shaybebaby:


The requirement is up to the individuals to decide. What bros Lezzlie is missing is that personalities are different so what works for some might be a deal breaker for another.
Yes we all want to be happy but our definition of happiness varies greatly. Imagine someone who is a masochist in a physically abusive relationship, would that not be heaven for such a person to be married to a sadist? Yet for peeps with aversion to violence, we know the very thought is an anathema to them.
We are not all cut from the same cloth o jare.

shaybebaby:



Despite all you have written, I have the benefit of ALL perspectives being experience from relationship, to marriage to parenthood and back again.
Morality has no place in this discourse, rather reason.

I reiterate, LIFE happens, without stating all the things that go wrong in everyone's life, it is part of living and no one is exempt.

You cannot assert how it affects peeps, you have no knowledge or control of that. However how well anyone survives life is how adaptable they are, to the good and the bad.
How they change perspectives in order to come out stronger..no different to evolution really.

shaybebaby:


What do you mean by destinies by the way? That people must tow a path preordained and whatever lies along it must be endured?

Anyone that keeps wondering what more they could have done obviously is not thinking the right way. What could have been done differently might be a more apt question. But seeing as we cannot answer that question for errant partners, we take our own answers and apply to the next relationship, perhaps picking a more suitable mate due to the lessons of the past.

cococandy:
Uhm babe. Waste of time.

He's not the one to be objective.

Obviously he believes in a situation where there is threat to life, one can divorce. Duuhhhhh. This is basically what I've been saying. But in order for him to feel good about himself and make others seem like they are the bad folks, he had to twist it and claim I'm advocating divorce for flimsy reasons.
That's not the kind of person you want to debate with.

For me it's not worth it.
I don't know what some posters always feel like they have to argue or say something about your opinion only for them to try change your own goal post for you when they are caught being insincere.

Lezzlie:
You talk of survival, I talk of living life to essence of its fulfilment. There are exceptions to every concepts, I can't deny you that. And I'm happy you find love and joy. But your case doesn't change the statistics that more second marriages globally are prone to failure!

It's a reality, a sad one. It's a fact of life



Sounds like easy escapism to the waiting arms of phantasies to me.

This shouldn't be the message preached!

cococandy:
Uhm babe. Waste of time.

He's not the one to be objective.

Obviously he believes in a situation where there is threat to life, one can divorce. Duuhhhhh. This is basically what I've been saying. But in order for him to feel good about himself and make others seem like they are the bad folks, he had to twist it and claim I'm advocating divorce for flimsy reasons.
That's not the kind of person you want to debate with.

For me it's not worth it.
I don't know what some posters always feel like they have to argue or say something about your opinion only for them to try change your own goal post for you when they are caught being insincere.

You're impossible, aren't you!

I'm anti-divorce and you are pro-divorce who believes it can be wielded for issues which can be solved and resolved with other pliable options.

Go ahead and lebel me as subjective , it's been your stock-in-trade on here.

Nice looks by the way.

shaybebaby:

Ofcourse they are doomed to fail if you do not learn from past mistakes, that is not unique to marriage. The very definition of madness as I'm sure you've heard is doing the same thing everytime and expecting a different result.

And no, YOU talk about survival in the sense that divorce should be off the table once married and even if one is unhappy, your quest for happiness should be within the confines of a decision made in good faith but no longer viable.
I am saying that freedom to evolve means chalking it up to experience and moving forward and not being shackled by mistakes made.
I think you are the one who is imprisoned by your rigid thoughts and prescriptive approach to life. Open your mind, that you may continue to learn and evolve.

shaybebaby:



He is very adept at dribbling.

shaybebaby:



But you mentioned rightly that the topic is over flogged. I will attribute his stance to lack of experience which will no doubt come in time. We live and learn.
How have you been? Didn't know you had baby in my absence. And you didn't tell me so I could have sent my well wishes. Sending them now regardless.

Lezzlie:


Sorry madam, I can't learn to evade commitment and responsibility .

Happiness isn't guaranteed from seeking consolation in escapism when the tide of marriage becomes unstable.

Many a happy marriage were made from trying times and difficult positions.

Men and women aren't so different than they are similar and that's why second marriages are failing more than first marriages because the couples think there's something wonderful out there, a glimmer they have been missing and their partners lack.

No sooner had they settled in and disillusionment follows.

And we both have a contrasting view of the term marriage. I draw mine from within and you....you measure yours in others' perception and reaction to you; in this case your partner.

Lezzlie:
I'm chalking that down as a complement irrespective of your obvious sarcasm



You don't want to bet on that!

shaybebaby:

Happiness does not come due to marriage, it comes from within

If you want to assume responsibility for the happiness of others, be my guest. You'll soon learn.

You are responsible for no-ones happiness except yours. We are responsible for ours and ours alone.

Your obvious mistake like the mistake many make is looking for happiness in places, in things and in people.
The power lies within you hence why none can and should assume responsibility.

What within are you gibbering about? Says the geezer who quotes stats yet hasn't personal experience of the starting point not to mention a probable end point.

I speak from what I know, have felt and cogitated through and you think your assertation that my belief stems from my perception of how others perceive me isn't a tad stupid considering that it was my experience not theirs.

I know what's sticking in your graw, the fact that one can live a decent happy life post divorce. It irks you to think it's possible and the reason why it is so is what you find so undigestible. The freedom of choice and personal responsibility.

Lezzlie:
The premise on which you based this post is a typo from the ending part of the quoted post of mine.

I have since done the edit.

You may reread for surety

5minsmadness:

WHOcares

shaybebaby:

So we are basically saying the same thing. Yet if you truly believe that, why advocate for something in instances that when it is not adding to the existing happiness, it can only be detracting from it?

shaybebaby:

He is very adept at dribbling. But you mentioned rightly that the topic is over flogged. I will attribute his stance to lack of experience which will no doubt come in time. We live and learn.
How have you been? Didn't know you had baby in my absence. And you didn't tell me so I could have sent my well wishes. Sending them now regardless.

cococandy:

I'm sorry that was sort of old news jare.
Thanks dear

shaybebaby:

Congrats though. How have you been finding being a mummy? Asides lack of sleep except you are one those lucky people whose babies love sleep.

bennyrazz:
those that compare themselves by themselves are foolish. Women running to their friends for advice in their relationship usually end up getting the wrong advice. I wish people could learn from this, your best friend may be your greatest enemy it only takes a discerning spirit to recognize this. Nice article @op.

shaybebaby:

Happiness does not come due to marriage, it comes from within

If you want to assume responsibility for the happiness of others, be my guest. You'll soon learn.

You are responsible for no-ones happiness except yours. We are responsible for ours and ours alone.

Your obvious mistake like the mistake many make is looking for happiness in places, in things and in people.
The power lies within you hence why none can and should assume responsibility.

What within are you gibbering about? Says the geezer who quotes stats yet hasn't personal experience of the starting point not to mention a probable end point.

I speak from what I know, have felt and cogitated through and you think your assertation that my belief stems from my perception of how others perceive me isn't a tad stupid considering that it was my experience not theirs.

I know what's sticking in your graw, the fact that one can live a decent happy life post divorce. It irks you to think it's possible and the reason why it is so is what you find so undigestible. The freedom of choice and personal responsibility.

EfemenaXY:


Oh pls!

Going by the following excerpt, men are also guilty (and very gullible) of this too.



A man married his heartthrob. After almost 10 years in the marriage the wife became an Oil tycoon. She runs a thriving business that takes her to almost every part of the world. The husband. Still scraping by.
The woman loved her hubby. He drives her everywhere and she seeks out his opinion on almost all matters. Jolly fellows. The husband has 5 out of the 9 cars on the fleet. With the least being a 2012 Prado. Big boy. His wife takes care of him.
Okay the meat of the story. The man was with his friends at a regular hangout and the conversation that ensued is both hilarious and a huge lesson:
Friend: "You! I am sorry for you. Your wife has used your destiny. She's soo rich whilst you're merely scraping by. Doing fake big boy. We all know your wife is the source of all your bigboyism. Oloshi! You better think twice. Snatch your destiny away from her!"
Husband: "Thanks for the advice. You see let me tell you something you don't know o. I am 45 years old and for 35 years I never knew how to use my destiny. I was suffering. Even to eat na wahala! Now I got married 10 years ago to my wife and she knows how to use my destiny. Now I ride latest cars and travel with her to any part of the world that even you my friends haven't been before. I am going home now to inform my wife to continue using my destiny o. Infact! She must make sure she finishes it all. It must not remain"=

Source: Unknown.

cococandy:
is it even an offense? Except the fellow is deliberately refusing to try.

Just that some ladies have their priorities messed up. They'd rather stick with a disrespectful wife-beating and cheating azz husband who 'provides' than an honestly loving one who's not so buoyant.

See the friend that has a 'perfect' husband
SMH. Sitting there collecting STDs, beatings and mouth lashing. When she is the one who should be looking for a way out of her toxic marriage.

bukatyne:


Na you call her marriage toxic

She is crusing the world to her. That's if she's. Nor be ordinary soup money cause their palava?

5minsmadness:

The message here isn't on divorce per say~ more on the way women listen to and give advice to themselves. You see it a lot on this forum and in the real world: I won't take this, my man can't try that, I will divorce him straight, you must be a f00l to still be staying with him, you must be mentally retαrded or a doormat to give him sex when he wants, you might as well be a widow, you don't know your self worth, (and my favourite) - divorce him! He doesn't deserve u

They give extreme advice for relatively simple situations and give extreme examples to buttress their points (he must be sleeping with another woman, I know men, etc)

Most women are very bad with their mouths and they can give very caustic advice in relationships that are not thiers while hiding their own deficiencies or rather painting their own relationship in a 'perfect light':

I married my best friend
My man serenades me every night
My man takes me to the Bahamas every weekend
We have been together for years and he has never raised his voice at me
We agree on everything.

Smiling and shining on the outside meanwhile they suffer even worse abuse from their 'perfect' partners in secret.

Women should wise up on themselves. Don't compare your marriage with anyone else's. True, there are certain irredeemable situations where separation can be considered, but most issues out there are ones that can be ironed out and done without the woman taking a battleaxe into the fray because her friend told her if she was the one she won't stand for it, meanwhile that friend suffers much worse things at home.


Bukatyne, I trust u will find at least one point here to disagree with

njokusboy:

bukatyne:


While I agree that people should not compare their relationships.... I find the rest of your post amusing.

You seem to suggest there are no good husbands & every woman is suffering and smiling somehow when she says she wouldn't take poo.

I know husbands who would do anything to make their wives happy always... If senerading her nightly or as oft as he can does it, he is willing.

It is hard to believe there are still fantastic husbands around as the sob stories and negativity sells and once a wife doesn't tell us how her husband pounds her daily or goes on a dick sharing campaign, she is lying.


This is why I find it hard & unnecessary discussing details of my relationship/marriage with anyone... and when people start their sob stories, I switch to listen only mode as I have none to tell.

I believe people have loving relationships on/offline because I have seen examples. Everyone knows what is good for them and if playing the fool helps them achieve it, great.

N.B.: You just managed to tell us that there are no good husbands.

armyofone:
uses of destiny

@Efe,

Your story made me laugh. The reply the guy gave his friends was befitting. "Wifey, take my destiny and use it" hahaha.

njokusboy:

A quick question madam..,.
What do you look for in a marriage? Why do people even remarry?
Read the bolded statements and think hard...
OR just ignore me

bukatyne:

N.B.: You just managed to tell us that there are no good husbands.

bukatyne:


While I agree that people should not compare their relationships.... I find the rest of your post amusing.

You seem to suggest there are no good husbands & every woman is suffering and smiling somehow when she says she wouldn't take poo.

I know husbands who would do anything to make their wives happy always... If senerading her nightly or as oft as he can does it, he is willing.

It is hard to believe there are still fantastic husbands around as the sob stories and negativity sells and once a wife doesn't tell us how her husband pounds her daily or goes on a dick sharing campaign, she is lying.


This is why I find it hard & unnecessary discussing details of my relationship/marriage with anyone... and when people start their sob stories, I switch to listen only mode as I have none to tell.

I believe people have loving relationships on/offline because I have seen examples. Everyone knows what is good for them and if playing the fool helps them achieve it, great.

N.B.: You just managed to tell us that there are no good husbands.

bukatyne:
Old story and I commented on a previous thread.

However OP, what was Biyi supposed to divorce her husband for

Wrong thread title

shaybebaby:

To answer your question, we look for the same things in relationships. Ever had a relationship fail, an ex-girlfriend perhaps? Why did YOU move on? Why bother to get into a relationship again?
The mistake I imagine is the assumption that life or indeed people stay the same throughout their existence and such what was once a viable choice will always remain so. Unfortunately that is not case.
Who I was 11 years ago when I met my ex is still to an extent who I am now but again I am different in a lot ways.
My life is not the same, I have had experiences along the way, good and bad and still learning as I go. We cannot know all there is to life, I am aware of that so I expect that 10 years from now, some beliefs I hold presently will have changed, how? I don't know but such is our journey through life.
My ex is a good person, I cannot take that away from him. But he wasn't adaptable to deal with life's conflicts. I didn't know that when we got married, how could I know? The issues we faced happened later not at the inception.
All I wanted and still want in any relationship be it friendship or romantic is someone who WILL grow with me, who will make me a better a person, who I can learn from and learn with. Not an perfect person, indeed that is subjective and frankly nobody is.
My ex, bless him is still who he is and I'm afraid will repeat the same mistakes in his new relationship because he still hasn't acknowledged it.
Me on the other hand, I thought long and hard about what role I played in the demise of our marriage, bad attributes I had as well which contributed and really watchful that I don't repeat it again. I don't know what future holds for my new relationship but I am certain of one thing, I appreciate my new partner as a person. Again, he is a good person and whether we go the distance or not, my faith is affirmed that there are good people out there.
I remain friends with my ex, I love him, he is the father of my child but he is not man for me.

njokusboy:


I bolded those statements for a reason...
I agree that happiness comes from within which is actually what lezzlie said which makes me wonder why you disagreed with him in the first place..
However, your subsequent posts kinda of contradicted your belief... because, if you are divorcing someone, you are doing so because you are not happy in the union and you need to try your luck elsewhere... So you are essentially marrying and divorcing because you want to be happy... You are not alone in this, my dear, everyone marries for the exact same reason...
But you see something about marriage, it is sacred, you don't just opt out when things turn awry, you work it out... That is essentially the difference between a marriage and a relationship... If marriage was still as fancy as they say it is, your reason for opting out of your first just does not meet the cut..
ND there's a good chance you'd divorce again, though I don't wish it...
The search for happiness is often the cause of unhappiness...

shaybebaby:

Needless assumption based on nothing. Love does not equate to marriage. So where in my above post did I allude to the desire to want to be married again.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
You didn't answer my question though? Ever moved from one relationship to another?

Also bestowing the status of sacred marriage does not make it so simply because you said it.
What makes marriage different to a committed relationship between two people?
When you answer, please leave out the God/ religious angle. I want to hear your own thoughts not something learned from reading a book.