I needed some input.

my recently ex boyfriend broke up with me because I don't have contact with my family. He is from Ghana but has been in the states for 3 years for school. We started dating in January. I was upfront with my difficulty with my family from the beginning. He knew I didn't have contact with them, that my mom had kicked me out because I wouldn't continue in an argument she started, and for four months two years ago, I was homeless while I studied through my first semester of nursing school.

I found a picture of his on Facebook of a little girl that I suspected was his, and after a week of being together I asked about her. He confirmed that she was his daughter and that he was going to tell me about her. I initiated the conversation earlier than he probably would have, because I don't date where there is no possibility of marriage, and an abandoned child would disqualify anyone I was dating.

He told me the story. He had dated a girl for six years from age fifteen to twenty one. They had gotten engaged, and then one day he found out she had been maintaining a second relationship on the side for three years unbenounced to either man. He had been in pretty rough shape for a while, but eventually he moved on and started dating another girl. After a few years, they got pregnant with his baby, and while she was pregnant, he found out she had cheted on him with another guy. He said she wanted to stay together, and while he could forgive her, he couldn't go back. He still provide for his daughter, talks to her mother, and goes back to visit. He carries his baby's handkerchief in his pocket with him everywhere.

I couldn't fully understand how he could choose to be on another continent from his child. He said that when he is done with school, he hopes he can bring her here if her mother will allow it, but that he would never force her mother to give her up. Again, I can't fully understand choosing to be so far away from your child, and in American culture, he would typically seen as a dad that didn't take responsibility for his kid, because he went involved in her daily life, but I also recognized the cultural difference between us, the fact that I have been surrounded by opportunity all of my life, and that I saw honesty in his character, so I could trust him even if I didn't understand. He asked why I would be with a guy who had a kid. I said him having a kid was in no way a deficit of his character. How a man responds to his children and the mother of his children says a lot about his character. I wanted to know that.

He has been a remarkably considerate, gentle, and loving man. We had a rough conversation about family early on in our relationship. I knew he didn't understand, but most people don't. He didn't have to understand in my mind. I just needed him to accept it and trust me as I had done about his daughter. We stayed together, and continued to get close. I made a point of SHOWING my love rather than saying it. He had admitted he was falling for me but also that those two serious relationship betrayals had left him guarded and wary. He had dated since, but never fully opened up. Everyone has their history, pain, and fear of intimacy, so i said it was okay. "someday, you will hear me say that I love you," he said. "I just can't say it now." That was good enough for me to know he did love me.

He didn't pull away from me when I talked about my family. He knew I didn't have contact and didn't believe I could, and that it hurt me deeply. The relationship continued to get closer,and he continued to help me face my fear after my own betrayal. The point at which I was no longer having to fight myself to be open with him, I thanked him for being there for me, and he said "always." And then he started to pull away.

This didn't surprise me. This is common. One person lessens the emotional distance and the other momentarily gets anxious. We were both in school, and I let him have his space. He texted me one night to see how I was, and I said I was in a lot of pain. I was graduating, and wanting to invite my youngest brother, and I couldn't get him to answer my calls for three months. I had just found out my whole family would be in town, on campus, for the graduation of a brother who had said he was done with me. My youngest brother would be here, and the only reason he wouldn't be there for me was whatever reason he wouldnt pick up the phone. My boyfriend was sympathetic, but unavailable to come over. He made me dinner the next night, and the next night I had to be the one to turn him down because I was studying, and I suggested lunch the next day. He couldn't do it and didn't make any other plans.

A few days later he was out of town and I asked if we could make a plan to spend time together the next week, and he said we should hold off, because he needed to talk to me about something. I immediately went into panic mode, and I asked if something was wrong. He didn't reassure me. He just asked if we could please just talk when he came home. I agreed. When he came home, he asked to wait till after finals. Right before my graduation I melted down some, because we hadn't spent any time to speak of in a couple of weeks, and he had another week of finals after me. He was really stressed, thinking he had just failed a class, and apologized, but asked for space. He came to my graduation the next day, and to dinner with me and a friend that night, but he was distant. No one noticed but me.

I gave him the space he asked for, and after his last final he came over, but didn't bring up what he wanted to talk to me about. I tend to be pretty laid back. I had explained earlier that his wording had made me anxious he was about to break up with me, and he said that was not what he meant. So when he didn't bring it up right away, I let it go. He had to go out of town again, and I left it at that. While he was gone for a couple of days I said I really needed us to talk when he came home, because I was really uncomfortable with what was happening and felt under valued. So we did, and I so didn't see it coming.

He said he had been trying to consider how to proceed. He said in his culture, each family would want to know that their child was accepted by their in laws, or else they would discourage the match, so to move forward with me, he would need to have some kind of relationship with my family, "what if something happened to you, and I needed to call them. Who would I call? Would they take my call?" He asked what I was going to do about our relationship, and I said I didn't know. My family made me stressed, they were mean, they would love him, but they would tell me all the reasons I would mess it up, and him all the reasons he was too good for me. He didn't understand why I couldn't just brush it off, and we left it at just taking our relationship slowly.

I felt anxious. I ran everything through every possibility in my head, spoke to friends that knew the situation intimately, and they all told me to hold my ground--my family is abusive, they make me sick, he had to just trust me. I chose to be very blunt with him. He came to my graduation party the next night, and afterward, I gave him a couple of articles about the abuse and dysfunction in families like mine, as well as a letter about how it had manifested itself in my family, with my family hating me, my mom saying she didn't want to be my mom anymore, my brother saying he was done with me, my sister in law saying to have a nice life. I explained that my current therapist had told me months ago that had I come to her as a child, she would have been legally required to report my home life and have me removed. The only reason I wasn't legally considered an orphan was because no one rescued me. I had to wait until I grew up and did it myself. I didn't say I was unwilling to ever have contact with my family again. I just said I didn't think he understood what he was asking me to do. He was saying I either expose myself to abusive people that hated me or else loose him.

I wrote it, because sometimes when it is something really emotional, I can collect my thoughts better in writing. I sent a couple more articles, and then texted him to say I had sent it. He had barely had time to read it when he texted me back, saying it was heartbreaking, but he thought we should end the relationship. He still thought I was a wonderful woman and cared about me, but it wouldn't work. I had not seen him coming. He has been unable to see me face to face in the few days since then, and only talked on the phone once to me. But in our communication, he said he had mentioned me to his mother, but not my family stuff, and if he said I didn't have contact with my mom, it wouldn't matter why-- she would tell him to end it. He directed me to a mutual Nigerian friend that introduced himself to my boyfriend as my brother if I didn't believe him. My brother said this wasn't true--yes, family is important, but they are typically more interested in a girls character. He told me he himself had been kicked out by his aunt and uncle when he first came here for school and slept outside, he is still in bad standing with them, but he is in very good standing with the African community here. He said there is a reason for the break up, but what I am being told is not true of African culture, and that my boyfriend should at least try with his mom.

I went back to my boyfriend with this, and I also told him what I thought the real reason was and I brought up what he had told me about his past relationships, and he broke down. He asked if this was really just that I didn't want to not have a boyfriend, and I said no, this was because I loved him. He wouldn't believe me. I asked him why he would believe I couldn't love him, and he just broke down again. I told him I knew this was hard, but he had been there for me, and I was unprepared to give up on him. I had sworn I wouldn't tell him I loved him until he did, because of his fear, but I had asked him to trust me About my family, so in the email I told him I loved him, because he needed a reason to trust me. I said it ws telling to me that he had freaked out and ended it, and that he was hitting down now when I said it again. I asked him again why he wouldn't believe I could love him. He jut said please, he couldn't talk about this issue again, he was really not happy.

I haven't heard from him since.

Is it true that there is an automatic prejudice against people who have left abusive families, or been disowned, or don't have contact? Everything I have been told by my African friends is that this is rAre, and they don't believe this is the reason, and that it is unreasonable for him to say this if he hasn't even spoken to his momma about it. I don't think there is anything I can do, but I'm trying to just wrap my head around what just happened. I asked why he could not tell his mom I was an orphan, since most orphans have living parents that either can't or won't care for them. Our friends say there is nothing in African culture against being with an orphan. I told him he knows who in my life would be there if something happened to me and he needed help, because I had a car accident not long ago, and my friends did show up, help, and communicate with him. He seems to be unable to be flexible about his concept of who has to be the people in my life, regardless of who wants to be in my life. My Nigerian brother tried to call him, and my boyfriend said he would call him back and hasn't.

My Nigerian brothers family insists that if his family would reject me, it isn't about the greater African culture, but because of the culture within hi family, and that I am an unusual enough American girl to be a really good fit in an African family. They are just baffled about this. I haven't given them his romantic history, because that is between him and me, but all anyone can say is that he must be scared, and he will look up and realize what he has done, regardless of if he has the humility to come back and admit it.

. I survived too

Long story

who go read all those thing

vicstar:
who go read all those thing

Help me summarize....

SANDOSKI:

Help me summarize....

Summary for all the lazy readers. She was dating a guy who has a daughter, and had bn cheated on twice. She comes from a very abusive family so she cut off ties with them. Later on her boo decided to dump her and gave a bull as$ story about their African community not letting him date a Lady without family or something like that. She's confused and wondering why the guy could not accept the fact that she's orphaned by choice.

I believe you have a Good head on your shoulders. If you say those people were abusive to you then you cant go back. I understand where he is coming from though.Family is very important to us and we Nigerians are already so used to taking abuse from family and relatives your issue just seems trivial to us. He may also be using this as an excuse to break up with you. Anyway, you know him best. TBH Nigerian guys can be Dishonest sometimes. I would advise that you try to reason with him but if that is impossible, you move on. If he really wants you he will fight for you not this giving ultimatums.

Na for the whole of africa u dey write all dis 1 for?


Next tym u wanna post a movie u just watched recently...just FUCKIN SUMMARIZE!!!!!!!

I am my "brothers" house. He is working a night shift at the hospital right now, but my friends are all feeling very strongly about not being alone right now. I'm with his wife and mom. One of their friends who is a professional counsellor stopped by and I talked to him about it. He had some input, and so did my brothers mom. The counsellor said it sometimes happens that African guys come here and will just mess around with a girl with no real intentions. He said he would talk to him, but he seems very confused about what he wants, and I am fortunate he is doing this without taking years from me. He also knows the African community here and said he highly doubts his mom is the problem. He thinks it is his pastors wife. She is very controlling, and he has seen a lot of young people do poorly, get confused, and loose direction, because of her influence. Sometimes they can get help and find their feet again. He told me if that is the case, and this woman is the influence behind this, he can either teach me to act holy in a way this woman will love, OR this woman has found another girl for my boyfriend. . . Who is African, from a well off family, etc. he said he will talk to him, and see if he can get a feel for what is happening. He also said he would take me by this pastor lady's business so I can see her interaction with people so I can understand.

When he left, my brothers mom said he will talk to my boy, but she really thinks he will probably end up finding someone else for me. He told me to focus on my licensing exam, said he was worried I would give this boy too much of my emotional energy. I got all defiant and said I was by golly passing my boards. . . I lost everything and graduated. I was passing my boards, because I was never going to be homeless again. He was happy to see it. When he left, my brothers mom said that she doesn't know what is happening with my boy, but that i shouldn't take him back. Whatever he is doing, he is lying to me. She doesn't believe a word of it, and he is not trustworthy.

I am starting to feel there is an overwhelming bit of counsel that are concerned with my wellbeing with this boyfriend. As I think back on things, some things he has said-- minor things-- that contradicted each other, so him lying wouldn't be utterly beyond the realm of possibility. The thing I'm struggling with is the possibility that I completely fell for the act. If there IS another girl, I hope that becomes clear, because it will remove any disappointment, but given the fact that my brother immediately got suspicious of another girl, and now what I'm being told about the people in his life. . . I'm not sure I could ever trust him again.

Survived:
I am my "brothers" house. He is working a night shift at the hospital right now, but my friends are all feeling very strongly about not being alone right now. I'm with his wife and mom. One of their friends who is a professional counsellor stopped by and I talked to him about it. He had some input, and so did my brothers mom. The counsellor said it sometimes happens that African guys come here and will just mess around with a girl with no real intentions. He said he would talk to him, but he seems very confused about what he wants, and I am fortunate he is doing this without taking years from me. He also knows the African community here and said he highly doubts his mom is the problem. He thinks it is his pastors wife. She is very controlling, and he has seen a lot of young people do poorly, get confused, and loose direction, because of her influence. Sometimes they can get help and find their feet again. He told me if that is the case, and this woman is the influence behind this, he can either teach me to act holy in a way this woman will love, OR this woman has found another girl for my boyfriend. . . Who is African, from a well off family, etc. he said he will talk to him, and see if he can get a feel for what is happening. He also said he would take me by this pastor lady's business so I can see her interaction with people so I can understand.

When he left, my brothers mom said he will talk to my boy, but she really thinks he will probably end up finding someone else for me. He told me to focus on my licensing exam, said he was worried I would give this boy too much of my emotional energy. I got all defiant and said I was by golly passing my boards. . . I lost everything and graduated. I was passing my boards, because I was never going to be homeless again. He was happy to see it. When he left, my brothers mom said that she doesn't know what is happening with my boy, but that i shouldn't take him back. Whatever he is doing, he is lying to me. She doesn't believe a word of it, and he is not trustworthy.

I am starting to feel there is an overwhelming bit of counsel that are concerned with my wellbeing with this boyfriend. As I think back on things, some things he has said-- minor things-- that contradicted each other, so him lying wouldn't be utterly beyond the realm of possibility. The thing I'm struggling with is the possibility that I completely fell for the act. If there IS another girl, I hope that becomes clear, because it will remove any disappointment, but given the fact that my brother immediately got suspicious of another girl, and now what I'm being told about the people in his life. . . I'm not sure I could ever trust him again.

so in summary, what do u want nairalanders to do for u?

Survived:
I am my "brothers" house. He is working a night shift at the hospital right now, but my friends are all feeling very strongly about not being alone right now. I'm with his wife and mom. One of their friends who is a professional counsellor stopped by and I talked to him about it. He had some input, and so did my brothers mom. The counsellor said it sometimes happens that African guys come here and will just mess around with a girl with no real intentions. He said he would talk to him, but he seems very confused about what he wants, and I am fortunate he is doing this without taking years from me. He also knows the African community here and said he highly doubts his mom is the problem. He thinks it is his pastors wife. She is very controlling, and he has seen a lot of young people do poorly, get confused, and loose direction, because of her influence. Sometimes they can get help and find their feet again. He told me if that is the case, and this woman is the influence behind this, he can either teach me to act holy in a way this woman will love, OR this woman has found another girl for my boyfriend. . . Who is African, from a well off family, etc. he said he will talk to him, and see if he can get a feel for what is happening. He also said he would take me by this pastor lady's business so I can see her interaction with people so I can understand.

When he left, my brothers mom said he will talk to my boy, but she really thinks he will probably end up finding someone else for me. He told me to focus on my licensing exam, said he was worried I would give this boy too much of my emotional energy. I got all defiant and said I was by golly passing my boards. . . I lost everything and graduated. I was passing my boards, because I was never going to be homeless again. He was happy to see it. When he left, my brothers mom said that she doesn't know what is happening with my boy, but that i shouldn't take him back. Whatever he is doing, he is lying to me. She doesn't believe a word of it, and he is not trustworthy.

I am starting to feel there is an overwhelming bit of counsel that are concerned with my wellbeing with this boyfriend. As I think back on things, some things he has said-- minor things-- that contradicted each other, so him lying wouldn't be utterly beyond the realm of possibility. The thing I'm struggling with is the possibility that I completely fell for the act. If there IS another girl, I hope that becomes clear, because it will remove any disappointment, but given the fact that my brother immediately got suspicious of another girl, and now what I'm being told about the people in his life. . . I'm not sure I could ever trust him again.

Truth is that not all relationships will lead to marriage.

I think ur (ex)bf was simply looking for an excuse to leave u. And he's an idiot who played you. There is nothing wrong about being an orphan. This is one of the silliest reasons I've heard for a break-up. I mean WTF , aren't u the one who should have left him for not telling u he had a kid?

Honestly, I'm not sure what you want from us- advice on what to do or an explanation as to the reason why ur ex left from an "African" perspective.

In my opinion, you are sensible and better off without him. Someone who hides the fact that he has a kid from a previous relationship and doesn't offer emotional support to u after u told him about ur family situation should not have a place in your life.

My advice to you is to put this behind you and work towards improving urself and ur career. Live ur life and don't try to make contact with ur ex.

mhiz:
Summary for all the lazy readers. She was dating a guy who has a daughter, and had bn cheated on twice. She comes from a very abusive family so she cut off ties with them. Later on her boo decided to dump her and gave a bull as$ story about their African community not letting him date a Lady without family or something like that. She's confused and wondering why the guy could not accept the fact that she's orphaned by choice.

Thank you jare. I swear, I couldn't just read it

.

this and mre are d reasons i'd tell any ear that cares to listen " find happiness with yourself 1st, do not find it in sme else" so that wen d chips are down u dnt hv 2 cry so much
however , shit happens switdy. i hope u'd learn 2 let go of things u cnt change. God's speed in ur recovery cos u'll b needing alot of dt

What the heck is "my African boyfriend"? Africa is a continent with 50+ countries. Maybe he dumped you for being ignorant. With that sad, those Ghanaians can be as sharp as a machete. Smart peeps.

Goodness my!


Wow!!


You didn't really touch on what is really up with you and fam tho, what could be so serious?

Well, He's right about the African culture thing, Even if yo orphan, You should have other relatives. Heard Dad mention Mom was handed over to an Uncle at Marriage, it signifies something.

I think its just time to fix whatever may be up between you and your Family. No matter how complicated... Its time for bygones mate! Do it for love, Do it for you!!

PunkyV:
What the heck is "my African boyfriend"? Africa is a continent with 50+ countries. Maybe he dumped you for being ignorant. With that sad, those Ghanaians can be as sharp as a machete. Smart peeps.

Are you sure you read the story Punky?

pinceprinz:
Are you sure you read the story Punky?

No, I didnt read it. The "African" part irritated me because I know how ignorant the Americans can be. They usually think we're all from some tiny hut in the "African" jungle, feasting on termites & mud pies.

You've read the whole story though & I think that's enough "African" input

PunkyV:


No, I didnt read it. The "African" part irritated me because I know how ignorant the Americans can be. They usually think we're all from some tiny hut in the "African" jungle, feasting on termites & mud pies.

You've read the whole story though & I think that's enough "African" input

Lol. This one is ignorant but not arrogant and she obviously doesn't take us little, so stab the stereotype.

African input? I feel great for that comment! Shows how well I've progressed Africanizing myself

pinceprinz:


Lol. This one is ignorant but not arrogant and she obviously doesn't take us little, so stab the stereotype.

African input? I feel great for that comment! Shows how well I've progressed Africanizing myself

LOL. I'm sure she's a sweetheart. Never mind my grouchy self this morning. Tell me, why arent you at your usual spot (2nd place, 3rd row) with the church choir today?

PunkyV:


LOL. I'm sure she's a sweetheart. Never mind my grouchy self this morning. Tell me, why arent you at your usual spot (2nd place, 3rd row) with the church choir today?

I believe their is no god but God and that Muhammad(PBUH) is His Messenger I'm a Muslim

pinceprinz:
I believe their is no god but God and that Muhammad(PBUH) is His Messenger I'm a Muslim

Oh yeah! Sorry, I forgot, luv. Do you go on Fridays though?

PunkyV:


Oh yeah! Sorry, I forgot, luv. Do you go on Fridays though?

Its a big miss if I don't make it Fridays > My only opportunity to recharge the entirety of me for the week lol. So, yes, I go. You? you dont do church?

pinceprinz:
Its a big miss if I don't make it Fridays > My only opportunity to recharge the entirety of me for the week lol. So, yes, I go. You? you dont do church?

Nice No, no church for me.

PunkyV:

Nice No, no church for me.

At least, you believe in One God?

pinceprinz:
At least, you believe in One God?

Yes I do. I actually grew up in a strict religious household where it was a MUST to go to church on Sundays & on weekday services. I guess I'm just being rebellious against that now. IDK.

@Survived, it is true most Africans do not joke with family ties however in your case, you have a justifiable reason to stay away from yours. It is bad if he can't understand th situation givn his education. Either way, I think he is lying or hiding something. Perhaps he is married in his country, some immigrants do that. I am sorry you were caught in the middle of it.