₦airaland Forum

Onegai:
Rossy99, I'm going to tell you a story:

When I was in my teens, I went to visit relatives for a while. Your teen and me had different backgrounds: All the relatives had been financially supported by my family and some of them had stayed with us. When I got to their homes, I didn't do much, there didn't seem to be much to do (general house cleaning, sure I did. Washing up after myself, yep). But all their Nigerian wives expected and would make spiteful comments about me and my family and passive-aggressively b.itch about me and be rolling eyes, getting worked up behind my back and bending their husbands' ears with complaints if he dared give me $10 because they felt I was not running around according to their expectations (plus they resented the fact that I was an embodiment of "no, your hubby didn't arrive Amelica in a limo that his wife should be acting brand-new ). Meanwhile, one of the relatives was married to an American lady. The first day i went to their house, they said "please help yourself to whatever is in the fridge, always clean up after yourself". They said it once and never repeated it. And I appreciated it and we got along swimmingly.

All the other wives were there, starting drama and using me to excite themselves in their general boredom by stirring up trouble, instead of being straight-forward and speaking authoritative words in a pleasant manner. That is the definition of a lady, of a Proverbs 31 woman: Fist in a silk glove.

Nigerian women like to behave passive-aggresively. Never speaking up about what they want, they are trying to act like some type of docile idiot and pretend to be mild-mannered than be getting wildly angry when the other person doesn't fall in line. All that hypocritical spouting of bible passages is getting to their heads.

Firstly, you have a hang-up about that boy. Yes, he's poor and his family cannot afford a place for him. But you're not living on Bourdillon, are you? So please take out that small bit of "I am better than him, he should be humble and grateful" idea out of your head. Because Humility in Nigeria is NOT a good quality, we use it to insult people. And ladies use it to deceive men (but let's not digress ).
Lower your expectations. As in, he may be a church-rat in his family but the kind of church-rat that isn't expected to do chores. It happens (my driver doesn't know the way to Ketu market or even Otto). So stop expecting him to know and do things the way you want, without you having to tell him.

If you have to tell him every day what to do, open your mouth and tell him. Don't assume, speak plainly. Don't tell him in the casual, passive-aggressive manner ladies like to adopt when avoiding confrontation, then go to one corner and wait to see if he doesn't do it so you can catalogue your greviances internally and get worked up dramatically. Stop acting like a Nollywood wife.
Wake up and say "alright, today we need to fill up the drums in the house and we're cooking. You take the drums and fetch water, I 'll be in the kitchen so PLEASE go get me some so I can start". Look him in the eye confidently. After dinner, tell him in your husband's presence "please come and clear Uncle's plate and wash up, THANKS eh. Afterwards come back, uncle and I want to discuss finances for school with you".

Don't give him an opportunity to play you around, just be a LEADER. Stop dragging for power with an 18 year old boy, it's your home. You have much more important things to worry about. The only reason he can treat you like a subordinate is because he can see that you are doing that fake passive-aggressive behaviour that Naija ladies assume is what Submissiveness is (it's not).

Own that shiit. Fistbump

God will continue to bless you for this... This is the best thing I have read this morning.

OP I understand you very well cus I've been there but all u need do is tolerate him. Just be good, don't get angry and God will bless u. Let your conscience be clear and don't feed him with annoyance pls. Ask the holyspirit to help u stay with him. At the end he will appreciate you and tell whoever he comes across that ure the nicest being on earth.

lolaluv1:
Please let us stop enabling laziness and bad attitude.
WTH?
Are you in her mind to know she doesn't love the guy?
If it is her siblings, do you think that is how they will act? If anything, they will lessen their sister's load, not carry a pregnant woman's water to go and "baff".

So the woman should be tolerating someone who doesn't regard her in her own home?
Talk is cheap sha. I bet if it was you ,you'd do worse than OP. But you are here yarning dust and calling it "advise"(in Jenifas voice).

You believe the guy will fold his hands and allow a pregnant woman fetch water? The op must be a wicked woman if that happens. I know what I'm saying.

We can't reason alike dear.

From your posts I have not seen anything that suggests excesses from the guy. Have u evwr asked him to do chorws and he refused? if 'yes' then call him and talk to him like a mother...tell him you need his assistance with some chores around the house...perhaps he is reacting something negative he saw from you..like ignoring him...because women can sometimes be annoying. take easy with ....u will gradually win him over.

Have you finished? Or is there something else you want to say? Or where u Kept your insult is it finished? Thank you

SleekyPosh:
MY PEOPLE..THIS WOMAN IS A HOE DISGUISED AS A WIFE..how does the topic relate to you been bleeped by a guy cos he displays that kinda attitude in your house

I will surely investigatE U..Cos na ur type go dey nack ur husband junior brother..

Onegai:
Rossy99, I'm going to tell you a story:

When I was in my teens, I went to visit relatives for a while. Your teen and me had different backgrounds: All the relatives had been financially supported by my family and some of them had stayed with us. When I got to their homes, I didn't do much, there didn't seem to be much to do (general house cleaning, sure I did. Washing up after myself, yep). But all their Nigerian wives expected and would make spiteful comments about me and my family and passive-aggressively b.itch about me and be rolling eyes, getting worked up behind my back and bending their husbands' ears with complaints if he dared give me $10 because they felt I was not running around according to their expectations (plus they resented the fact that I was an embodiment of "no, your hubby didn't arrive Amelica in a limo that his wife should be acting brand-new ). Meanwhile, one of the relatives was married to an American lady. The first day i went to their house, they said "please help yourself to whatever is in the fridge, always clean up after yourself". They said it once and never repeated it. And I appreciated it and we got along swimmingly.

All the other wives were there, starting drama and using me to excite themselves in their general boredom by stirring up trouble, instead of being straight-forward and speaking authoritative words in a pleasant manner. That is the definition of a lady, of a Proverbs 31 woman: Fist in a silk glove.

Nigerian women like to behave passive-aggresively. Never speaking up about what they want, they are trying to act like some type of docile idiot and pretend to be mild-mannered than be getting wildly angry when the other person doesn't fall in line. All that hypocritical spouting of bible passages is getting to their heads.

Firstly, you have a hang-up about that boy. Yes, he's poor and his family cannot afford a place for him. But you're not living on Bourdillon, are you? So please take out that small bit of "I am better than him, he should be humble and grateful" idea out of your head. Because Humility in Nigeria is NOT a good quality, we use it to insult people. And ladies use it to deceive men (but let's not digress ).
Lower your expectations. As in, he may be a church-rat in his family but the kind of church-rat that isn't expected to do chores. It happens (my driver doesn't know the way to Ketu market or even Otto). So stop expecting him to know and do things the way you want, without you having to tell him.

If you have to tell him every day what to do, open your mouth and tell him. Don't assume, speak plainly. Don't tell him in the casual, passive-aggressive manner ladies like to adopt when avoiding confrontation, then go to one corner and wait to see if he doesn't do it so you can catalogue your greviances internally and get worked up dramatically. Stop acting like a Nollywood wife.
Wake up and say "alright, today we need to fill up the drums in the house and we're cooking. You take the drums and fetch water, I 'll be in the kitchen so PLEASE go get me some so I can start". Look him in the eye confidently. After dinner, tell him in your husband's presence "please come and clear Uncle's plate and wash up, THANKS eh. Afterwards come back, uncle and I want to discuss finances for school with you".

Don't give him an opportunity to play you around, just be a LEADER. Stop dragging for power with an 18 year old boy, it's your home. You have much more important things to worry about. The only reason he can treat you like a subordinate is because he can se
e that you are doing that fake passive-aggressive behaviour that Naija ladies assume is what Submissiveness is (it's not).

Own that shiit. Fistbump

You are wonderfully blessed with wisdom. The issue here, is that op is unconsciously competing with the lad in her own house. In addition, she was first judgmental given the lad's background as she put it in her own writing. My bet is that the lad was able to x-ray the op and saw the true personality as opposed to what she feigns whenever the husband is around.
I see her as the unconsciously hypocritical nollywood housewife.

Women and their over domineering attitude.




If it were her relatives we won't hear noise ooo





Just kuku tell us wetin de your mind.




You just don't want your hubby's family around you

HaneefahRN:
I just hate when people use this silly line, 'what if he was your brother'. If it was her brother she will know how to deal with him, without any 'gbeborun'who doesn't know how she is coping comes put to call her bad wife. A brother of my mum's came to live with us when I was younger so as to study, he didn't use 2 months before she sent him back to his mum when she couldn't cope with his crazy attitude.

But if it were her husband's brother everyone will expect her to cope with it.

When my younger bro did not smoke weed, how will he eat and leave the plate for me to wash or use a water he watched me fetching while heavily pregnant to bath, etc. But if it's someone from the husband's side even if they are in no way related, the maid of the house (aka wife) is expected to suck it up and clean after everyone before they call her wicked for standing up for herself.

Like one stranger my dad brought home then, that would come back after going wherever and be asking us ' didn't you guys eat in this house this afternoon '. So we had to be cooking afternoon and night food for him. The silly sense of entitlement, some people grow when they see an environment to breed.

bad mentality

greatgod2012:
ko le to yen!
This life is very simple!
And the world is a global village.

He needs your help now doesn't mean you can't need his help in the future.

It may even be your children that he will render help to in the nearest future.

We shouldn't use today to destroy our tomorrow.

Instead of making life miserable to him, speak out your mind to him, ask him if he too can accept what he's doing to you from another person. Not with screaming or cursing or throwing tantrums but maturely and patiently.


Remember, nobody is totally bad!

You just said my mind. Even if he is an Aje,this move would calm him...and if it doesnt,then op can proceed to subtly make his stay uncomfortable as suggested by Crazyqueen....

xtervaganza:
Women and their over domineering attitude.




If it were her relatives we won't hear noise ooo





Just kuku tell us wetin de your mind.




You just don't want your hubby's family around you

I tell you my dear! When a woman doesn't want the husband's people in her house, she can resort to all sorts. My mom did all that back in the days and I would face her squarely against it. And till date, I earn the respect of not only those my uncle's kids but also, of the general extended family .

CrazyQuinn:
wow, the guy has no right to stay for that long what happened to privacy? Is he leaving soon? If not, complain to your husband and tell him your mind, if he doesn't listen, keep complaining to your husband until he tell the guy to leave. It's not right

hmmm....see d way u r pleasuring her to send him away


And forget d guy will bcom a man tomorrow and also house her children


the problem wit u ppl is dat u don't tink abt tomorrow is only today.

PrincessAnna:
You believe the guy will fold his hands and allow a pregnant woman fetch water? The op must be a wicked woman if that happens. I know what I'm saying.

We can't reason alike dear.

Of course, whichever way it goes it is always the woman's fault.
True that we can't reason alike.
God forbid I justify a boy bathing with the water a preggie fetched.

CrazyQuinn:
how can you allow your in law to stay with you for a year? There will be no privacy and he will be involved into their private affairs. Would you like your in-law to be involved with you and your wife's private affairs. So what's the point of getting married then

If it's your own brother or sister that is staying with you, will you complain of privacy?

Lesson.
Never stay more than 3days in your married brothers house if you still wish to retain your DIGNITY in the eyes of your sister Inlaw or your own brother.

fellis:
Is the boy an id!ot?

How can a jobless person be complaining about the food he is given while living under another persons roof and not even doing anything to assist in the house, my God people like that irritate me. What does he think he is? A king that came to your house to be pampered? At least he should help with something to show you and your husband gratitude for taking care of him instead of just sitting around from morning till evening asking for more food.

What a lousy human being.

OP next time you and he and your husband eat on the same table or in the same room make sure you pile his plate of food very high to like twice or three times the amount you give your husband, if your husband says its too much tell him politely the boy is always complaining that you don't give him enough food so you want to make sure you serve him enough henceforth.

Do it like four times in the presence of your husband and unless he is a millionaire that has money to throw away he will call the boy and caution him on his eating habits.

hahaha mek person no eat belle ful again

That's my kind of complaint wen our politicians are eating and lootin our future witout doin practically nothin,,,,......They wil say witchhunt, president Abegi face d economy.
So I wil say @Op don't witch hunt dat polytechnic boy.....abeg face ur economy (Marriage)

Mistake married people make is bringing people to live with them. That shit destroys marriage faster than bad sex life.

CrazyQuinn:
can you imagine the rubbish if I were you I would make his life miserable until he leaves

hmmmm.....u no know tomorrow

Look at all the attention I'm getting I hope this thread reaches 20 or more pages.

Rossy99:
An undergraduate of polytechnic staying with us is growing wings. He doesn't help in domestic chores when hubby is away, he does when hubby is around, he Waits for us to tell him what to do before he does it and he is really making me angry which i hate to be.

When i report him to hubby, he won't do anything or even chastise him instead he complaints whenever i give him food that his food is too small. I'm not a bad type to give him little food cos i have conscience and it disturbs me wen i do bad but he is a glutton that only eats and sleeps without doing anything even to wash plates he use to eat.

What do i do?

Do nothing and continue to do good, your children will receive the reward in feature am telling you

Rossy99:
for how long shld i keep telling an adult wat to do?wat i tell him 2da he wud still wait for me to tell him 2mao nd d following day.am more of an introvert so i dnt like to talk much instead i do my tin but my countenance wud change nd i dnt lik to talk wen am angry.for sometime nw,i av not b telling him to do anytin/correct him but is he not suppose to knw dt am not ok wit wat he is duin

mek we hear d guy own side of d story na

lolaluv1:
Of course, whichever way it goes it is always the woman's fault.
True that we can't reason alike.
God forbid I justify a boy bathing with the water a preggie fetched.

Lola there is more to this story reason I said 'if' in my previous comment.

I grew up with a foster parent. my foster mom adopted a lady, this lady is a full housewife, she is married to my FMs younger brother. I went through hell in the hand of this woman. I don't want to remember my experience. She won't give me food in the morning and when I return in the afternoon from school that's when
she want to cook. Guess what I was about 9 years old. It continued till I was a teenager and she was pregnant of her fourth child. This is a woman that doesn't answer my greetings. When she went into labour it took effort of neighbors before I accompanied her to the clinic. After that incident she was nice till I left

Ask him to go, he or his parents can not give you or any of your household such privileged. Asking him to go is not wickedness rather it's a way to make him adjust. As an upcoming man such character is not expected of him.

He is your Guest for crying out Loud

Whether he is young or old, you shouldn't force him to do house chores simply because he is under your roof

If he is rude, you can talk to him about him, but not be expecting him to do things for you

When he wasn't there, who was doing the house chores, was it not you?

fellis:
Is the boy an id!ot?

How can a jobless person be complaining about the food he is given while living under another persons roof and not even doing anything to assist in the house, my God people like that irritate me. What does he think he is? A king that came to your house to be pampered? At least he should help with something to show you and your husband gratitude for taking care of him instead of just sitting around from morning till evening asking for more food.

What a lousy human being.

OP next time you and he and your husband eat on the same table or in the same room make sure you pile his plate of food very high to like twice or three times the amount you give your husband, if your husband says its too much tell him politely the boy is always complaining that you don't give him enough food so you want to make sure you serve him enough henceforth.

Do it like four times in the presence of your husband and unless he is a millionaire that has money to throw away he will call the boy and caution him on his eating habits.

nawa for u o, since the Husband is not saying anything that should tell u that the husband already know the type of wife he has. and moreover the guy has being living thre for over a year, how has she be coping with him all this while. abeg free the guy, if it you will you allow your brothers wife to turn you to her maid.

Anabel:
Mistake married people make is bringing people to live with them. That shit destroys marriage faster than bad sex life.

True that!

CrazyQuinn:
wow, the guy has no right to stay for that long what happened to privacy? Is he leaving soon? If not, complain to your husband and tell him your mind, if he doesn't listen, keep complaining to your husband until he tell the guy to leave. It's not right

I hope someday when u need a shoulder to lean on, someone will advise ur benefactor to chase u out .

So na to wash plate go make woman dey lament.

Nonsense

donbenedict:
First of all, he is not a full time house help. So you don't expect him to do all the chores alone at home.

You are a woman and you too should participate in the chores as well. He can decide not to eat your food. Because you are feeding him doesn't mean he must turn into ur househelp.


Dats one thing u modern wives just use to put up a fight with relatives.



Now since your husband isn't doing anythn abt it, u should not take laws into your hands.


U should giv him food, and tell him there and then he should wash his plates after eating.


If you are a full time house wife, den u shouldn't balance in d house an expect him to do all ur bidding, just as u pick up a broom and start sweeping the palour, guilty conscience will not allow him also to relax when he sees u doing it, he too will feel somehow and join u as well. That is how to solve such problems.




If I should ask, is he related to your husband?


Everythn shouldn't be by force. There are many ways to make someone do ur bidding

Guy you've said well. I Totally agree

PrincessAnna:
Lola there is more to this story reason I said 'if' in my previous comment.

I grew up with a foster parent. my foster mom adopted a lady, this lady is a full housewife, she is married to my FMs younger brother. I went through hell in the hand of this woman. I don't want to remember my experience. She won't give me food in the morning and when I return in the afternoon from school that's when
she want to cook. Guess what I was about 9 years old. It continued till I was a teenager and she was pregnant of her fourth child. This is a woman that doesn't answer my greetings. When she went into labour it took effort of neighbors before I accompanied her to the clinic. After that incident she was nice till I left

But you can't use your experience to judge OP here. I likewise stayed with people from10-14 years of age and I have my own story to tell, which I've never even told my parents.
That is not to say I will now say all wives are bad. Just because she complained about his attitude. Remember, this is not a 9year old that we are talking about here.
A boy in higher Institute, that can impregnate a girl. He is not a kid. It is only a bad person with a false sense of entitlement and lack of home training that will act like this.

doskie:
madam slapping machine. Hope you have slapped that your mumu elder brother that is an errand boy to his wife. He went to marry a woman that is rich thinking he will enjoy like a gold digger. Now see.... He cleans her buttokx anytime she pupuz. Did your mum forget to teach him the disadvantages of laziness and stew pee dee tee? Okponu family. Didinrin. Next time mind your business oloriburuku. Ori e nkpe.

why involve my family ? If I talk now I go get ban cos I go make sure sey I finish work but I go pass. You no worth my precious time.

CrazyQuinn:
the guy is not even her in-law he's a total stranger, living in a rent free house with free food and all, and he's been staying in the house for a year would you allow a stranger to stay in your house for more than a year, eating your food and not paying rent?

Seems u have de mentality of all those people dat bath people children and maids wit hot water. U are wicked indeed.

my own be say if bros chop make he wash him plate if not next time wey I go put food for am na dat same plate I go use, I am not his maid, i don't need him for anything else other than wash your own plate(no be after I cook finish give u food chop u go kan dey expect me to wash your own plate wen bomb no dey your head), sweep d room u r sleeping in and fetch your own damn water u want to use, if he does all these then I don't have a problem with him staying, op am i making sense?
Off I go