Alexgeneration:
. How does staying with one's in-law connotes "involve into their private affairs? From the OP's complain,the guy is not interfering in their private life.Rather, all I can deduce from her is that she wants to turn the guy to a househelp just because he is "eating her food" and "staying in her house".Will she make such complains if the guy is from her side of the family?

I never wanted to comment but I had to after reading this.

We have to look at it from another angle. If the subject owned the house, wouldn't he wash plates and fetch water?

I learned long ago that we should treat things like our own. The guy should learn to take that house like his own with a bit of caution though. That is the way I see it considering he had been there for more than 1 year, does it make sense to keep acting like a stranger?

Earlier this year I visited a friend when I noticed he was using a broom to sweep his tiled floor. When he wasn't around, I went to shop for better broom with handle, I told him to drive me to the market let's get things to eat and paid the bills more than once.

Sometimes I paid money to fuel the his gen and all this happened with 3 days of my arrival. I don't believe I am stranger anywhere I find myself.

If the OP had complained while he was just a week old in her house, that is a different thing. 1 year is very wrong, especially the one that has to do washing his own plates.

CrazyQuinn:
can you imagine the rubbish if I were you I would make his life miserable until he leaves

don't you think you are over reacting? This how you people cause enmity unnecessarily.

People are from diverse backgrounds and should be handled differently.

Naija women de suffer.
Look,hes probably copying the way your husband treats u,im sorry to say that.Team boys while you are team woman the slave serving them.

It's surprising your husband does not see his attitude as a cause for concern.

It is your home and you should lay the ground rules.Relative or no,i am strong believer in fairness.
Everyone should do their share and if you choose not to take the initiative,i kukuma help you out.

No one treats you like sh it without your permission.
Share work fairly and ask him to help out.If he then refuses blatantly,time to turn the heat on the man you married abi you de fear?

See all the people pouncing on you likely because they will act the same sh it script all because you are a woman.

Stand your ground and lay the rules or forever hold your peace.

Good luck

Treasuredlove:
abeg, stop saying what you don't know. Let me set some facts straight for you
"Modern wives" work
Most "modern wives" do everything in the house for her hubby and kids...is already overworked,especially if the kids are still small. Now add a lazy relative to the equation and how do you think the "modern wife" will feel towards an added liability.
"Modern wives" don't mind their relatives staying with them because they often pick up after themselves and are sensitive to the stress level they are giving the"modern wife" but hubby's relatives expect everything on a platter of gold, whether "modern wife" works herself from home to office/shop - office/shop to home and hardly gets enough sleep. They don't care. All they care is that"our wife" must deliver.

Of course, 'modern' wives are idle princesses doing nothing.

Rossy99:
dtz d real deal,i try to ignore him dtz why wen he doesn't do d chores i dont question or ask him,i just go nd do it but am getting fed up nw and it makes me boil in anger anytime i see him which i detest.he doesnt seem want to change

Madam, there's something the Yorubas call: "Suuru t'o lojo" meaning patience for a while longer. I know it's not easy but if the boy were not there, won't you sweep your house? won't you fetch water even in pregnancy? Just pretend the boy is not there for your own sanity sake. The issues of in-law is delicate I just try to avoid their wahala especially in your case that you don't enjoy your husband's support. Don't send the boy away as he may desperately need to stay with your family for things to go on well with him in his schooling and all, just think of tomorrow when he is grown up to be a man, what will he say of you and your kids? Your husband may not even be around anymore (God prosper his soul) Please, be patient. Also, see him as your own brother, don't you send your younger ones on errands? So no biggie in telling or asking him to do a few things for you. If he doesn't know he should offer a lil help, ask him to just ensure you don't abuse the privilege that's all. Good luck.

If he were from her side, he would have chopped plenty igbatis and igbaruns aka bloody slaps for not listening.


This is why I can't comprehend men's logic when you expect a wife to take your family as hers. It can never be the same thing. He is getting away with it because he is not from her side. And she would be stvpid to react to these issues because given the circumstances, I consider them petty. However if it were one of her family members it wouldn't be petty at all. She would have given him his size.


Oya talk another thing

cc Koolkash

Alexgeneration:
. He has no right abi?Cos he is not from her side of the family abi? If the guy is related to her,will she be here to complain? All these modern wives that can't accommodate their inlaws.

Richy4:
Based on this write up, I can just imagine the food given to the guy...

What do you really want him to do?
Why not tell him one on one what his daily chores should be?
If you can't tell him face to face then write it and attach it to the fridge.

I might be wrong but your write up shows that u don't want him there..... majority of this kind of complain occurs when the relative of the man is in the house.... even if he kills himself helping, it will never be appreciated....Hostel will be the best solution to this....

The op may not be able to say it all for fear of being called hater but honestly i can relate with everything she is going through. Truth is some of the inlaws feel it's their entitlement once in their brother's house they can do anyhow,some do it deliberately. I have a SIL with me and i accommodate & tolerate her well until i noticed she does some thing on purpose,initially i call her to talk to her like a sister but when i discovered she wasn't yielding i stopped. Once i send her on an errand and she refused,i did it myself but reported to hubby. On a different occasion, her own brother sent her to fetch water and she reluctantly went and was murmuring,that was when i knew that her problem no be here. Anytime i finished cooking i will call her to come and eat even though she did not assist in any way ,she will still come and eat. When she saw i don't call her to do anything for me again, she started feeling guilty and very uncomfortable and i just ignore her for all i care.

memyselfandI:


Oga, what ıf ıt truly happened lıke OP saıd? What ıf the boy dıd all she saıd?

If you followed carefully what I put there sir you will see that am inbetween so I can't take any side. I remain neutral.

bukatyne:


Of course, 'modern' wives are idle princesses doing nothing.

lol...we wish

cococandy:
This too

Sorry Sis!!! Never pay a mind to all the goody- lil- shoes here. What's wrong with this guy is the entitlement culture prevalent in Nigerians esp if they suspect you're doing well...they just develop the idea that u owe them. Then people start saying, women are nicer to their own side of the family...go figure. Will ur younger bro watch u doing stressful domestic chores while preggy n not help?

Well, my advice is that u satisfy ur conscience. Give him a full meal that is reasonable, at least ur hubby's portion except he's a very light eater should be a standard. N set out the chores for him to do bearing in mind that he's a student, tho it's likely he might not even use his spare time to read.

the people advising her to endure are the same ones who would advice you to kick your inlaw out if the op was male.
Anyway,dear op please set out ground rules for him.If he doesnt wash his plates he doesnt eat cos that's exactly what i'd do to my siblings.If he wants to continue staying,he should respect you and help out with chores

Dis is wat i wish i cud do bt dnt av d power,though av make up my mind dt nobody wud com stay wit me again in d name of admission to d poly,dey wud get hostel,dey can only come visiting or to get any help or foodstuff.

LynnPetra:


Since he picks the circumstances to do his chores then you have the audacity to send kick him out of the house. You're a good woman by reporting him to hubby because many wives won't take that shiite. So even his plates he won't wash? You better start pouring all his unwashed plates into his box of clothes. Madam, you better wake up and put your house in order. Even the bible says that any tree that does not bear fruit should be cut off! If he is useless to you, kick him out. The economy is too harsh to take extra bullshitte.

How person go enter my house my house eat, him no go wah even him own plate? I go fling am throw away. So he doesn't wash his plate or do chores in his hostel? Him dey foam big boy for my house? Smh. That kind person no go last one week for my house. I go just count better money, call am enter room, give am like 50k then ask him to get the fyck outta my house

Rossy99:
Dis is wat i wish i cud do bt dnt av d power,though av make up my mind dt nobody wud com stay wit me again in d name of admission to d poly,dey wud get hostel,dey can only come visiting or to get any help or foodstuff.

Good.
Don't take in a burden you are not comfortable with.
There's no need to be "Wonderful".Be very bold with your decision when someone wants to come into your home to stay. It's better to do your own chores whenever you have the strength to alone and have rest of mind.

Nigerian women are suffering. Chineke me

Honestly your husband as the man of the house should have stepped up and talked to him man to man. Cleaning up after yourself is something that every human being can do, especially since he has free food and accomodation, the least he can do is wash his damn plate, show some appreciation and respect.

I think the best thing will be to all sit down together and talk about this issues. Otherwise you may have to constantly nag him. Once he finishes eating demand that he wash his plate now and if he doesn't then you call him to do it.

Truth is he takes you for a fool and knows he can get away with this nonsense

LynnPetra:


Since he picks the circumstances to do his chores then you have the audacity to send kick him out of the house. You're a good woman by reporting him to hubby because many wives won't take that shiite. So even his plates he won't wash? You better start pouring all his unwashed plates into his box of clothes. Madam, you better wake up and put your house in order. Even the bible says that any tree that does not bear fruit should be cut off! If he is useless to you, kick him out. The economy is too harsh to take extra bullshitte.

How person go enter my house my house eat, him no go wah even him own plate? I go fling am throw away. So he doesn't wash his plate or do chores in his hostel? Him dey foam big boy for my house? Smh. That kind person no go last one week for my house. I go just count better money, call am enter room, give am like 50k then ask him to get the fyck outta my house

Baby, where have you been? I don miss you oh...

Your user name says '99.

I just want to assume is not your DOB, if it us, then it is a case where he sees you as a young person.

You have to take steps to let him know you are the home owner and as a guest he needs to assist. The best way is telling your hubby when he is around and insist that both of you go talk to him.

veave:




Baby, where have you been? I don miss you oh...

I dey o.I just say make I scarce. One young man's love dey calm my madness small small

Rossy99, I'm going to tell you a story:

When I was in my teens, I went to visit relatives for a while. Your teen and me had different backgrounds: All the relatives had been financially supported by my family and some of them had stayed with us. When I got to their homes, I didn't do much, there didn't seem to be much to do (general house cleaning, sure I did. Washing up after myself, yep). But all their Nigerian wives expected and would make spiteful comments about me and my family and passive-aggressively b.itch about me and be rolling eyes, getting worked up behind my back and bending their husbands' ears with complaints if he dared give me $10 because they felt I was not running around according to their expectations (plus they resented the fact that I was an embodiment of "no, your hubby didn't arrive Amelica in a limo that his wife should be acting brand-new ). Meanwhile, one of the relatives was married to an American lady. The first day i went to their house, they said "please help yourself to whatever is in the fridge, always clean up after yourself". They said it once and never repeated it. And I appreciated it and we got along swimmingly.

All the other wives were there, starting drama and using me to excite themselves in their general boredom by stirring up trouble, instead of being straight-forward and speaking authoritative words in a pleasant manner. That is the definition of a lady, of a Proverbs 31 woman: Fist in a silk glove.

Nigerian women like to behave passive-aggresively. Never speaking up about what they want, they are trying to act like some type of docile idiot and pretend to be mild-mannered than be getting wildly angry when the other person doesn't fall in line. All that hypocritical spouting of bible passages is getting to their heads.

Firstly, you have a hang-up about that boy. Yes, he's poor and his family cannot afford a place for him. But you're not living on Bourdillon, are you? So please take out that small bit of "I am better than him, he should be humble and grateful" idea out of your head. Because Humility in Nigeria is NOT a good quality, we use it to insult people. And ladies use it to deceive men (but let's not digress ).
Lower your expectations. As in, he may be a church-rat in his family but the kind of church-rat that isn't expected to do chores. It happens (my driver doesn't know the way to Ketu market or even Otto). So stop expecting him to know and do things the way you want, without you having to tell him.

If you have to tell him every day what to do, open your mouth and tell him. Don't assume, speak plainly. Don't tell him in the casual, passive-aggressive manner ladies like to adopt when avoiding confrontation, then go to one corner and wait to see if he doesn't do it so you can catalogue your greviances internally and get worked up dramatically. Stop acting like a Nollywood wife.
Wake up and say "alright, today we need to fill up the drums in the house and we're cooking. You take the drums and fetch water, I 'll be in the kitchen so PLEASE go get me some so I can start". Look him in the eye confidently. After dinner, tell him in your husband's presence "please come and clear Uncle's plate and wash up, THANKS eh. Afterwards come back, uncle and I want to discuss finances for school with you".

Don't give him an opportunity to play you around, just be a LEADER. Stop dragging for power with an 18 year old boy, it's your home. You have much more important things to worry about. The only reason he can treat you like a subordinate is because he can see that you are doing that fake passive-aggressive behaviour that Naija ladies assume is what Submissiveness is (it's not).

Own that shiit. Fistbump

onegai,hmmn you just hit the nail on the head!well done ma'am

LynnPetra:


I dey o.I just say make I scarce. One young man's love dey calm my madness small small

Awwwn. So happy for you. Did you get a ring yet?

CrazyQuinn:
wow, the guy has no right to stay for that long what happened to privacy? Is he leaving soon? If not, complain to your husband and tell him your mind, if he doesn't listen, keep complaining to your husband until he tell the guy to leave. It's not right

Privacy ke? Na only u train urself ba and what if the guy is her brother?

Rossy99:
An undergraduate of polytechnic staying with us is growing wings. He doesn't help in domestic chores when hubby is away, he does when hubby is around, he Waits for us to tell him what to do before he does it and he is really making me angry which i hate to be.

When i report him to hubby, he won't do anything or even chastise him instead he complaints whenever i give him food that his food is too small. I'm not a bad type to give him little food cos i have conscience and it disturbs me wen i do bad but he is a glutton that only eats and sleeps without doing anything even to wash plates he use to eat.

What do i do?

If he's not your house help, you cannot reasonably expect him to carry all the chores of the house on his shoulder. You may talk to him about cleaning up after himself, washing the dishes that he has used ( don't expect him to wash all the dishes in the house) and chipping in help every now and then.

Now, again, is he your husbands brother? If yes, then you have to respect him also because he is your in-law. You can't afford to join two heads together which is the route that you're headed

give am poison

Sit him down and talk. if that doesn't work, then trust me, the food thing would. but please get your husband's consent before you do.

CrazyQuinn:
wow, the guy has no right to stay for that long what happened to privacy? Is he leaving soon? If not, complain to your husband and tell him your mind, if he doesn't listen, keep complaining to your husband until he tell the guy to leave. It's not right

Ooh god of marriage pls never allow Me meet this kind as friend let alone as wife.. .. Smh for you.....

jhydebaba:
So after reporting to your hubby, he did nothing. You now reported to nairaland make we beat am abi You must be kidding me.

The time you are wasting here is enough for you to do your chores. Abeg! Enter kitchen go wash your plate.


You called him a glutton, make he no eat again Abeg, free the guy joor. Abi your husband dey complain say he no fit drop money again.


I know if the boy were to be from your family, you won't be here.

Chop knocku...

The boy does not steal , he does not keep bad company , his only crime is that he doesn't do all the hose chores. From experience I learnt the hard way. Women are never satisfied, except it's their family relations. If the lady would do the house chores even if the young man is not around what stops her from doing it now.

Rossy99:
Am even ready to accomodate him cos i knw his family is not financially buoyant to get accomodation for him while still in skul,i expect him not go beyond his limit but he refuse.he is not d 1st person dt wud stay wit us.He is now causing division btw i nd hubby cos dey see me as d bad person,wen he want to get money frm hubby he wait till am out or go to meet him at d gate,is not that i do ask him not to give him.even wen he see dt i av wash all d dirty dishes in d kitchen,is he not suppose to wash d one he jst used in eating,he drop it nd i still go to wash it without saying anytin.i dnt knw wat he expect me to do again.he see me as a subordinate dat can't authorise him to do anytin

I don't support this,if he is not washing the dishes,then he must wash the one he uses. But I will advice you to keep calm until he leaves just to keep your home going

You need to bear with his inadequacies and shortcomings, remember not everyone was raised well or even though some were, they lose those training along the way. Ignore him for a while and you'll not even notice it again bearing in mind his stay has an expiry date.

Do not allow the help you're rendering to him go unrewarded with bitterness

Rossy99:
An undergraduate of polytechnic staying with us is growing wings. He doesn't help in domestic chores when hubby is away, he does when hubby is around, he Waits for us to tell him what to do before he does it and he is really making me angry which i hate to be.

When i report him to hubby, he won't do anything or even chastise him instead he complaints whenever i give him food that his food is too small. I'm not a bad type to give him little food cos i have conscience and it disturbs me wen i do bad but he is a glutton that only eats and sleeps without doing anything even to wash plates he use to eat.

What do i do?

Does someone picture pops in your mind kinibigdeal? Kai!!