Oh The things the naive and ignorant say with authority

Acidosis:


A wife don't have to agree for a man to do whatever he wants for his blood (brothers, sisters, dad and mom), wherever and whenever he wants. She's going to get a prior notice, room for deliberations, but the final decision rests in his hands. That's a basic and a final principle.

It is the responsibility of the woman to prove her points well enough to convince the man.. are you gonna tell him his people are wicked and out there to haunt him down? Would the flimsy excuses on this thread pass the test?

TonyeBarcanista:

I call the shot in MY home because I am the BOSS and HEAD.

She has to and must be loyal/submissive to my authority if she really want to be married.

When it comes to my family (parents, siblings, niece etc) NOBODY can prevent them from accessing my home and living as long as they desire

Sounds like you did her a favour by marrying her. I understand the situation. Carry on.

cococandy:


Yea exactly

Why not marry your family?

The funny thing is that you just called a bunch of women witches for validating OP’s concern but you don’t consider yourself a wizard for thinking you don’t need her permission to bring anyone from your family while she needs your express permission to do so.

Did you not just make our points? Your family will come with the same entitled attitude that you emanate and expect your wife to endure whatever trash they bring along with them.

Sorry for the unlucky ones that end up with folks like you.

Read the comments of you hypocrites on this thread. A woman is bad if she does the same thing you do. But it’s okay if you do it.
I won’t be surprised that you can go and eat a full meal now without choking in your hypocrisy.

My first love remains my family, any woman that is interested in marrying me must accept the reality that she is also married to my family. This doesn't in anyway mean she will be maltreated or whatever!

Meanwhile, denying any member of my family from accessing any benefit accrued to me is witchcraft and I will NEVER give room for such evil. Same way I won't be happy with my brother/sisters should they refuse to see my kids as their own.

A woman that can't accept my family as hers (like the OP and her bunch of comrades) should better consider not even agreeing to settle down with my kind because this evil spirit of isolating "husband's people" will be greatly tamed.

Finally, in my home I make the final decision! My family is my own and they have right to enjoy every benefits accrued to me same as my wife but she must realise this fact. My family is free to visit, live and stay as long as they want in my house but I will be fair to inform/notify my wife for the sake of it. Her family members are also free as long as she seek approval from me (which I will grant anyway). I value family more than anything in life!!!

ImaIma1:


Sounds like you did her a favour by marrying her. I understand the situation. Carry on.

It is not by force for me to marry. It is simple and straightforward! I set ground rules before even proposing, if you like agree, if you don't like you have the choice to reject! It is not by force but FAMILY will never be treated like strangers. Never!

There is nothing we won't see on dis nairaland. See people still sucking mama's breast claiming rights as if marriage is a place to show off ur skills...

Dear Op.pls and pls,don't bring a girl of 11years into ur home because shes too young to help with chores and also too fragile and can be easily manipulated by anyone outside to cause unintentional problems for u. If u have to help,do from afar,she can come to Visit only during holidays.
Anything u do to dat girl even if it's with good intentions,it will be termed wickedness and maltreatment and d same pple pressuring u to take her now will still say why did u take someone's child into ur home wen u know u cannot accomidate her.

TonyeBarcanista:

It is not by force for me to marry. It is simple and straightforward! I set ground rules before even proposing, if you like agree, if you don't like you have the choice to reject! It is not by force but FAMILY will never be treated like strangers. Never!

Who said anything about treating your family like strangers?

As i said, you probably did your wife a favour by marrying her.

How you run your own marriage is your kettle of fish. Good luck

TonyeBarcanista:

My first love remains my family, any woman that is interested in marrying me must accept the reality that she is also married to my family. This doesn't in anyway mean she will be maltreated or whatever!

Meanwhile, denying any member of my family from accessing any benefit accrued to me is witchcraft and I will NEVER give room for such evil. Same way I won't be happy with my brother/sisters should they refuse to see my kids as their own.

A woman that can't accept my family as hers (like the OP and her bunch of comrades) should better consider not even agreeing to settle down with my kind because this evil spirit of isolating "husband's people" will be greatly tamed.

Finally, in my home I make the final decision! My family is my own and they have right to enjoy every benefits accrued to me same as my wife but she must realise this fact. My family is free to visit, live and stay as long as they want in my house but I will be fair to inform/notify my wife for the sake of it. Her family members are also free as long as she seek approval from me (which I will grant anyway). I value family more than anything in life!!!

Let me tell you one truth...if you fall sick and are incapacitated, those family members especially extended will not be the one to stand by you and run helter skelter to make sure you are well.

My mum spent 7yrs of her life taking care of my sick dad. His FAMILY that always came to take and take with their entitled mentality kept their distance.

Thank God my dad treated my mum well and gave her liberty in their home when he was fine. Not the type of man that thinks that he is BOSS and can do anything he pleases.

...

ImaIma1:


Let me tell you one truth...if you fall sick and are incapacitated, those family members especially extended will not be the one to stand by you and run helter skelter to make sure you are well.

My mum spent 7yrs of her life taking care of my sick dad. His FAMILY that always came to take and take with their entitled mentality kept their distance.

Thank God my dad treated my mum well and gave her liberty in their home when he was fine. Not the type of man that thinks that he is BOSS and can do anything he pleases.

I don't know your family but in mine we stick for each other. Injury to one is injury to all, success of one is success of all, failure of one is failure of all.

I have a sister who is married with 4 kids. She knows I and my siblings have her back anytime. Her husband know that our family got their back, the kids are treated like my/our own kids. Her husband's family are closely knitted as well! They got each other's back and the kids from all sides are more like siblings than cousins. That is family!

This tradition will and must continue in my own end and it would in those of my other siblings. Those of you that see nothing good in husband's family are on your own.

Family over everything as long as I breath! Family remains my first love, either the wife integrate herself or she prepare to find her way out of my life because I will not give room for my family division, and I know the kind of family I come from!

cococandy:
Oh The things the naive and ignorant say with authority

It is a pity that many mature men do not understand anything about marriage.

It will shock them when they go for marriage counselling and they tell them to keep inlaws from all sides at bay.

Acidosis:


A wife don't have to agree for a man to do whatever he wants for his blood (brothers, sisters, dad and mom), wherever and whenever he wants. She's going to get a prior notice, room for deliberations, but the final decision rests in his hands. That's a basic and a final principle.

It is the responsibility of the woman to prove her points well enough to convince the man.. are you gonna tell him his people are wicked and out there to haunt him down? Would the flimsy excuses on this thread pass the test?

You are a great man! You are a man of valour!

You see how these ladies already have negative mindset towards anything in-laws? Yet they will create hundreds of threads to nag about in-laws whereas they are the problem.

This set of people will develop into the infamous "wicked" mother in-laws in decades to come simply because they wouldn't be able to stomach from the DiLs what they dished out to their own in-laws as new wives. These people will get angry if the wife of their second son refuse to accommodate the child of their first son, yet they are doing same thing. These are the people that scatters a happy family immediately they get married into the family.

God knows that I will continue to advice men (guys) to always do what is right.

Pearl05:
There is nothing wrong in 11yrs old staying with another family.


It depends on how she is being treated. Assuming you have a girl of 9 yrs as daughter and also have 2 younger kids, won't the 9 yrs be able to look after her younger ones while you are out?

Can't she sweep the floor, wash plates, play with her siblings, separate fight, wash their lunch box, socks, or even run all errands such as to buy something across the street?


Does doing all these makes the 9 yrs old a help in the her father's house? I think these and more are part of training the child.


Now we have 11yrs in question. Please if your instincts is against taking her in, then don't but she will be helpful to you when you treat her like your child . Enroll her in the same sch your kids will attend.

Nope, one should only try this with your own 9year child, try this with another person's child they will say you are maltreating the girl.

Let every child grow with their parents shikena.

If the OP takes that child in a lot of brouhaha will occur, any little thing they will say it's because it's not her child. Help them from afar abeg.

TonyeBarcanista:

I don't know your family but in mine we stick for each other. Injury to one is injury to all, success of one is success of all, failure of one is failure of all.

I have a sister who is married with 4 kids. She knows I and my siblings have her back anytime. Her husband know that our family got their back, the kids are treated like my own kids. Her husband's family are closely knitted either! They got each other's back and the kids from all sides are more like siblings than cousins. That is family!

This tradition will and must continue in my end, it would in those of my siblings. Those of you that sees nothing good in husband's family are on your own.

Family over everything as long as I breath! Family remains my first love, either the wife integrate herself or she prepare to find her way out of my life because I will not give room for my family division, and I know the kind of family I come from!

And i am sure your sister's husband doesn't treat her like a subordinate and takes decisions without having her in mind. And doesn't treat her like his family is more important than her right?

That is one thing you should learn from them.

ImaIma1:


It is a pity that many mature men do not understand anything about marriage.

It will shock them when they go for marriage counselling and they tell them to keep inlaws from all sides at bay.

Even when they are told, they would not adhere. Women should really choose their spouses well o..making sure you discuss issues like this before any wedding.

TonyeBarcanista:

I call the shot in MY home because I am the BOSS and HEAD.

She has to and must be loyal/submissive to my authority if she really want to be married.

When it comes to my family (parents, siblings, niece etc) NOBODY can prevent them from accessing my home and living as long as they desire

Oh really!!!

ImaIma1:


And i am sure your sister's husband doesn't treat her like a subordinate and takes decisions without having her in mind. And doesn't treat her like his family is more important than her right?

That is one thing you should learn from them.

You don't know them and you should ask questions next time.

Her husband is the BOSS of their home, being a boss doesn't mean he won't "consult" or seek opinion of the wife (OPINION) especially when he finds her sensible but he makes the decision.

As a man, his home is also open to his family, they can show up at any time without his permission (quote me) and he can show up at any time in their own houses without their permission. All he had to do is to notify them of his coming ditto them.

My Sister (his wife) can show up at the houses of any of her in-laws and stay as long as she wishes if her husband permit and if necessary, all she has to do is to notify/inform them and that's it. If I want to visit my sister's house, I don't even call her husband! I only tell my sister, she informs her husband and (unconsciously seek/get permission- which she always get), and I go there and stay as long as I desire if I wish and if necessary. That is family!

The kids are so free with each other that you won't even know which kid is for which parent.

My Dear, I don't know the kind of family you have or your mentality but I just showed you a picture of my own family. In my family we have each others back. We are one! My wife is not starting a new family with me, she is integrating into mine while I accept hers as mine.

OP and her comrades should stop exhibiting witchcraft towards in-laws

NoToPile:


Oh really!!!

Before nko

TonyeBarcanista:

You don't know them and you should ask questions next time.

Her husband is the BOSS of their home, being a boss doesn't mean he won't "consult" or seek opinion of the wife (OPINION) especially when he finds her sensible but he makes the decision.

As a man, his home is also open to his family, they can show up at any time without his permission (quote me) and he can show up at any time in their own houses without their permission. All he had to do is to notify them of his coming ditto them.

My Sister (his wife) can show up at the houses of any of her in-laws and stay as long as she wishes if her husband permit and if necessary, all she has to do is to notify/inform them and that's it. If I want to visit my sister's house, I don't even call her husband! I only tell my sister, she informs her husband and (unconsciously seek/get permission- which she always get), and I go there and stay as long as I desire if I wish and if necessary. That is family!

The kids are so free with each other that you won't even know which kid is for which parent.

My Dear, I don't know the kind of family you have or your mentality but I just showed you a picture of my own family. In my family we have each others back. We are one! My wife is not starting a new family with me, she is integrating into mine while I accept hers as mine.

OP and her comrades should stop exhibiting witchcraft towards in-laws

I like the "integrate" term... I want to ask you-Have you never seen a situation where it went wrong? Have you never seen families where the elder brother is trying to sabotage the younger?
If you haven't then I'll understand.

ImaIma1:


Marriage is about agreement between the couple. And especially if it involves someone coming to stay with us, i have to agree. The person cannot be imposed on me. I have my own responsibilities and problems and i am not pushing it to anyone.

If that kind of decision is imposed on me, that girl will not stay up to a month in the house. He will send her back himself and it won't be because of maltreatment.

It is not about imposition, but doing the right thing.

Acidosis:


It is not about imposition, but doing the right thing.

I want to ask you also...what is this "right thing" you talk about?

mylove4him:
I personally won't take an eleven year old child whether my niece or my husband's niece. It isn't even easy for me to raise my own child talk less of raising another person's child.

My marriage is more than half of a decade and I must tell you I had inlaws living with me from the third month. As one is going another is coming. All these didn't help my marriage at all. It has breed bad blood and a whole lot of things had gone down. I must say I haven't recovered from all the troubles.

Some of the inlaws have entitlement mentality and tends to misbehave. The wahala is that you have to thread with caution, unless you have a sensible man that knows how to put them in their place. Most times the men are incapacitated because they can't stand to hurt their family thereby putting you in the front line to take all the bullets.

You will be surprise that an 11 year old has been indoctrinated. My sister I have seen things and it isn't good to air all your dirty linen in a public forum.

Love them from afar if you could . My candid opinion. Inlaws can make or mar marriage. Mine is still standing today cos I bring in a neutral person to handle my home n my child so I don't need to depend on them. The only thing I owe you is to feed you. If I love you I will send you on errand, if you try to show yourself i just put you in your place. One rule is that you must tidy up after you. My help isn't to serve you.

Jesus! So loving ones in-law has even become a thing of "if you could"?

How do you guys do it? Marry a man whose family you dislike/hate? Any marriage built on that foundation is going to crumble. You guys go around marrying men with the intention of hating their families. This is evil honestly.

TonyeBarcanista:

Before nko

Men don't understand these issues most times, it's the women that do.

Acidosis:


Jesus! So loving ones in-law has even become a thing of "if you could"?

How do you guys do it? Marry a man whose family you dislike/hate? Any marriage built on that foundation is going to crumble. You guys go around marrying men with the intention of hating their families. This is evil honestly.

I think you intentionally misunderstand her concerns. Have you never seen cases where accepting to train someone else's child backfire?

Winter4:


I want to ask you also...what is this "right thing" you talk about?

The right thing is refusing to apply the terrible and bad experiences of e.g. cococandy, in your relations with in-laws, especially those you haven't even met.

ImaIma1:


It is a pity that many mature men do not understand anything about marriage.

It will shock them when they go for marriage counselling and they tell them to keep inlaws from all sides at bay.

Umm

Acidosis:


Jesus! So loving ones in-law has even become a thing of "if you could"?

How do you guys do it? Marry a man whose family you dislike/hate? Any marriage built on that foundation is going to crumble. You guys go around marrying men with the intention of hating their families. This is evil honestly.

Acidosis you can't understand, you are a man

Yeah best thing is to love them from afar,it has nothing to do with hate be nice, courteous, polite, respectful but avoid too much closeness and see-finish. It is the day gbege will happen you will know 'you are just a wife'

Acidosis:


The right thing is refusing to apply the terrible and bad experiences of e.g. cococandy, in your relations with in-laws, especially those you haven't even met.

I didn’t know I’m the same person with that lady up there.

Well I haven’t tried to raise anyone’s kids yet. I have my own responsibilities. Each to their own.

Come back and have a leg to stand on after you marry and raise kids borne by your wife’s siblings and cousins in addition to your own kids. Na mouth una get for nairaland. Y’all know what everyone else should be doing except when you’re the ones in the situation.

Winter4:



I think you intentionally misunderstand her concerns. Have you never seen cases where accepting to train someone else's child backfire?

Yeah, and I have also seen cases were such events paid off

Acidosis:


The right thing is refusing to apply the terrible and bad experiences of e.g. cococandy, in your relations with in-laws, especially those you haven't even met.

What is the right approach to avoid problems when I discipline the girl?

NoToPile:



Acidosis you can't understand, you are a man

Yeah best thing is to love them from afar,it has nothing to do with hate be nice, courteous, polite, respectful but avoid too much closeness and see-finish. It is the day gbege will happen you will know 'you are just a wife'

Well I get the points. Perhaps women, unlike men, fear the unknown on matters relating to in-law affair.

cococandy:


I didn’t know I’m the same person with that lady up there.


Well I haven’t tried to raise anyone’s kids yet. I have my own responsibilities. Each to their own.

Come back and have a leg to stand on after you marry and raise kids borne by your wife’s siblings and cousins in addition to your own kids. Na mouth una get for nairaland. Y’all know what everyone else should be doing except when you’re the ones in the situation.

Well that was a subtle response to your previous comment about me. No hate feelings

Winter4:


What is the right approach to avoid problems when I discipline the girl?

Your in-laws should be ready to accept whatever discipline, food, clothe, and anything you so decide to do with the child. There is no right or wrong approach. When a child comes to live with you, the parents automatically lose the right to dictate what to do with the child in your home. If they're not satisfied with the way you and your hubby run your home, just leave the door open for them to walk away.