Good day nairalanders, I had to use a new moniker.
I was married for 5years, blessed with 2 children, we dated for 1year before we got married. At a point in the marriage, domestic violence became a regular occurrence, after which he would apologize. I wouldn't say I noticed this aspect of him while dating. Of course I know I'm not perfect, but I tried my best to be the best wife to him and mother to the children.

To the main issue, there were a lot of issues that made me leave his house, he wasn't providing for his home, he works and earn well, so money wasn't his problem, I work also so I wasn't totally depending on him for everything, he hardly wants to have sex with me, I am neat as well, keeps late night, and he hits me severally. I left his house with my kids, after he hit me and left me in a pool of blood, this happened about 4months ago, but till now he hasn't called to find out about our whereabouts or to even know why I left.

I loved him so much that I endured a lot of things, but things kept getting worse,i had to leave. It's 4 months I left but only his elder brother has called once to find out what happened.
I am actually surprised he can stay this long without thinking about where his family are, probably that was what he wanted.
I never wished for my children to experience this, they keep asking me where's daddy?

Was I wrong to have left?
What necessary actions do you think I can take for him to be involved in his children's life?

N.B: both families have been involved in settling issues resulting from domestic violence severally.
He grew up with his father as his parents were separated due to some issues, leaving him and his siblings while he was barely 2years old due.

I need matured advice please.

If you were legally married, get a lawyer to get you child support at least.
From the tone, I don't think you want a divorce (maybe cos the children)

Yes, we were legally married.
OK, thanks.

No, you were not wrong to leave. From your account, he has made no attempt to get in touch with your kids...so ur best bet is to stay alive for the kids. If he were to beat you to death, who'll take care of the kids. The last thing u want is for ur kids to grow up thinking physical violence is normal in marriage, thereby repeating a crazy cycle. N ur emotional health is also a priority...staying in a toxic environment will reduce the quality of decisions u make.

As for child support, a lawyer can advise on that. Doesn't sound like u want a divorce yet but u def can stay separated, if u wish.

I literally just typed that I don't think she wants a divorce.

ITbomb:
If you were legally married, get a lawyer to get you child support at least.
From the tone, I don't think you want a divorce (maybe cos the children)

Thanks @Gloriagee

You were wrong to leave with the kids..Remember both of you are to cater for them..You should have had a heart to heart talk with him and Inform him of your decision Before hand...The fact that he doesn't have sex with you means he is having it with someone else....The sudden despise he has for you has probably stemmed from something that you did or you do. If I were you try to talk to him one more time with both parents present so you can find a way,buh if he is still unwilling, move on.

No worries, my dear sis. Keep your sanity and let it all out...the hurt, the feelings of unworthiness etc. I pray u find healing

Ineedyouradvise:
Thanks @Gloriagee

Stop been in a haste to make decision when you are angry.it has never produced good result.now you're not happy cos he has'nt called you.if you had stayed back,you both would have talked over it.but you were too fast in decision taking.not considering the fact that you still love him...dem no dey carry wetin dem use clean nyansh take clean face.na him suppose say sorry,but now,na the other way round.

HarunaWest:
You were wrong to leave with the kids..Remember both of you are to cater for them..You should have had a heart to heart talk with him and Inform him of your decision Before hand...The fact that he doesn't have sex with you means he is having it with someone else....The sudden despise he has for you has probably stemmed from something that you did or you do. If I were you try to talk to him one more time with both parents present so you can find a way,buh if he is still unwilling, move on.

Funniest thing is he never wanted to have a talk, he kept saying he doesn't have a problem, when I asked what I was doing wrong he'll say I should figure it out myself.

donbachi:
Stop been in a haste to make decision when you are angry.it has never produced good result.now you're not happy cos he has'nt called you.if you had stayed back,you both would have talked over it.but you were too fast in decision taking.not considering the fact that you still love him...dem no dey carry wetin dem use clean nyansh take clean face.na him suppose say sorry,but now,na the other way round.

I endured a lot, I just couldn't take it anymore, I needed to clear my head.

Ineedyouradvise:
Yes, we were legally married.
OK, thanks.

Wow! For a man to stay away from his kids for months without reaching out speaks volume of his kind of person

I can't stay 2 days without seeing my son.

Ineedyouradvise:


Funniest thing is he never wanted to have a talk, he kept saying he doesn't have a problem, when I asked what I was doing wrong he'll say I should figure it out myself.

you need to sit and ask yourself what he used to complain about before that he has stopped speaking about..

Ineedyouradvise:


I endured a lot, I just couldn't take it anymore, I needed to clear my head.

if u love him go back and work things out with him.considering the kids.

donbachi:
if u love him go back and work things out with him .considering the kids.

Someone that beat her and left her in her own pool of blood, that haven't asked about his own children? Waow, real waow
I hope you say the same thing to someone related to you.

Dhinmmar:

Someone that beat her and left her in her own pool of blood, that haven't asked about his own children? Waow, real waow
I hope you say the same thing to someone related to you.

an inlaw once use matchet on my female cousin..everyone asked for his head.some asked her to leave her marriage.when she took my advise,her marriage got born again..note:we are all imperfect beings and the devil will always raise his ugly head.

Ineedyouradvise:


I endured a lot, I just couldn't take it anymore, I needed to clear my head.

Why are you regretting now? move on

donbachi:
an inlaw once use matchet on my female cousin..everyone asked for his head.some asked her to leave her marriage.when she took my advise,her marriage got born again..note:we are all imperfect beings and the devil will always raise his ugly head.

Matchet on her? Born again indeed, maybe she's only telling you the part that you want to hear.

Go back cos of the kids, go back cos of the kids, that's how someone will die of emotional depression

What do you want exactly? You cannot measure your progress until you are sure of your direction. Only you can say if you shouldn't have left. What do u miss in ur marriage? Are you happier now? Are u at peace? Judge yourself by yourself madam.

Ineedyouradvise:
Good day nairalanders, I had to use a new moniker.
I was married for 5years, blessed with 2 children, we dated for 1year before we got married. At a point in the marriage, domestic violence became a regular occurrence, after which he would apologize. I wouldn't say I noticed this aspect of him while dating. Of course I know I'm not perfect, but I tried my best to be the best wife to him and mother to the children.

To the main issue, there were a lot of issues that made me leave his house, he wasn't providing for his home, he works and earn well, so money wasn't his problem, I work also so I wasn't totally depending on him for everything, he hardly wants to have sex with me, I am neat as well, keeps late night, and he hits me severally. I left his house with my kids, after he hit me and left me in a pool of blood, this happened about 4months ago, but till now he hasn't called to find out about our whereabouts or to even know why I left.

I loved him so much that I endured a lot of things, but things kept getting worse,i had to leave. It's 4 months I left but only his elder brother has called once to find out what happened.
I am actually surprised he can stay this long without thinking about where his family are, probably that was what he wanted.
I never wished for my children to experience this, they keep asking me where's daddy?

Was I wrong to have left?
What necessary actions do you think I can take for him to be involved in his children's life?

N.B: both families have been involved in settling issues resulting from domestic violence severally.
He grew up with his father as his parents were separated due to some issues, leaving him and his siblings while he was barely 2years old due.

I need matured advice please.

Dhinmmar:

Matchet on her? Born again indeed, maybe she's only telling you the part that you want to hear.

Go back cos of the kids, go back cos of the kids, that's how someone will die of emotional depression

not in all case..mind u marriages have more of spiritual battles than any nation,place or thing on earth...and it manifests in many different forms.lastly,avoid if na me i no go gree.

Ineedyouradvise:


I endured a lot, I just couldn't take it anymore, I needed to clear my head.

where you are right now, is anyone beating you?


Are you dying of emotional torture wondering where your partner is?

I promise, you going back now,when he hasn’t even acknowledged his offense,tried to apologize,
Or asked about his children, will be worse.

For him, leaving you in a pool of blood is nothing, leaving his partner sex starved is nothing, not taking care of his family while blowing it on women outside is not a big deal(let’s be real)

God saved you from a situation and you so much in a haste to go back.

Those who go back to their violent partners most times don’t know that it will be their last.

Pls give yourself sense.

Nobody will take care of your children like you. Let alone A man that hasn’t spoken to them in 4 months.

HarunaWest:
You were wrong to leave with the kids..Remember both of you are to cater for them..You should have had a heart to heart talk with him and Inform him of your decision Before hand...The fact that he doesn't have sex with you means he is having it with someone else....The sudden despise he has for you has probably stemmed from something that you did or you do. If I were you try to talk to him one more time with both parents present so you can find a way,buh if he is still unwilling, move on.

This assertion "The sudden despise he has for you has probably stemmed from something that you did or you do." isn't always true . . . good thing you said probably.

@OP, the actions and inactions of your husband typify that of a man who's achieved self-realization and has failed to handle the reality - past, present and future choices - before him well. You need a whole lot of diplomacy to handle the situation since it's obvious that you're dealing with . . . man. Somethings are better left unsaid in a situation like this.

Hmmmm....life is just a bunch of crazies! it just surprises us when we least expected. Pele.

You sure sound like you missed him...very natural. After all, he was the love of you life, you have lovely kids with him, you lived with him, you married him, you dreamed and planned a great future with....dang, life is just a huge SOB most of the time. Hang in there aunty...don't go back to him. Don't go crawling back to him...chai...he may eventually be the death of you if you do.


Anyways, get a lawyer to help get him to contribute into the children's lives. You on the other hand should just gather yourself together...fix your broken edges and move on. May God bless you with a fair wonderful person. Cheers maami.

donbachi:
not in all case..mind u marriages have more of spiritual battles than any nation,place or thing on earth...and it manifests in many different forms.lastly,avoid if na me i no go gree.

Marriage has lot of challenges both physical and spiritual. But the fact that he beat her up, blood came out and he left her there. What ifs??
I think she should pray for God to bless her and lift her and her children up, any other jara can go to the husband.
Mental health first

you shouldn't have left in that manner, considering the fact that children is now involve, marriage is not a bed of roses, I know of a woman that has issues with her husband to the extent that, they no longer sleep in the same room, in fact they live like neighbours, for some months till they decided to resolve their issues for the sake of the children, she didn't leave her home,rather she gave the husband some distance, she cooks,take care of the children and concentrate on her work only, while praying for her husband to turn a new leaf, I know about it because the woman confided with me, people should not always be in a haste to leave their homes when the going get sour, marriage is for better for worse. if he is beating you at will, then try as much as you could to avoid a situation like that, I believe you didn't get married to the devil, he still has his good sides.

You did the right thing for yourself and your children, OP. I commend you for leaving. Many women stay and "endure" abuse at the hands of their husbands and unfortunately by the time they leave it is too late b/c they end up doing so in a body bag.

Mekenz:
you shouldn't have left in that manner, considering the fact that children is now involve, marriage is not a bed of roses, I know of a woman that has issues with her husband to the extent that, they no longer sleep in the same room, in fact they live like neighbours, for some months till they decided to resolve their issues for the sake of the children, she didn't leave her home,rather she gave the husband some distance, she cooks,take care of the children and concentrate on her work only, while praying for her husband to turn a new leaf, I know about it because the woman confided with me, people should not always be in a haste to leave their homes when the going get sour, marriage is for better for worse. if he is beating you at will, then try as much as you could to avoid a situation like that, I believe you didn't get married to the devil, he still has his good sides.

The fact that there are children involved, witnessing their mother being beaten daily by their father to the extent of leaving her in a pool of blood is even more reason for her to leave. Even if there were no kids in the picture, no woman should tolerate nor endure physical violence.

Our Daily Manna

TOPIC: THE PHILADELPHIA SODA TAX!

Basic scripture: 2 SAMUEL 6: 1-11

Some years ago, in her fight against WEIGHT GAIN (OBESITY), the city of Philadelphia in USA passed a “soda tax” – a US $1 tax on a typical 2-litre bottle of soft drink! But the citizens/residents didn’t lose weight or cut calories as a result of the tax on sweetened drinks, neither was there a shift towards any healthier option.

Instead, most PHILADELPHIANS just drove outside the city to buy the same drinks, from stores where they didn’t have to pay the tax. Gosh! The result was that the poorest people – who could not afford to drive outside the city to buy their drinks, paid more! In the end, the city suffered a loss of revenue due to lower sales whereas the lower section of society paid more!
This is another example of an unintended consequence for a well-intentioned idea! Likewise, because you are human, sometimes, your well planned goals do not produce results! I know of believers who married early to avoid fornication, but alas, they made marital mistakes due to limited knowledge on what marriage was all about! They meant well, but failed!
I also know of believers who made financial mistakes despite the fact that their goal was to become kingdom financiers and financial pillars in the house of God! I know of a Christian sister who went back to her marriage in the name of forgiving an abusive husband, but today, she is dead! She died two weeks after returning to her home! She had good intentions but the consequence was deadly!

This was the devotional message on the 16th of August. Dear OP, the closing paragraph is my message as you wear the shoes and know where it hurts.

Mekenz:
you shouldn't have left in that manner, considering the fact that children is now involve, marriage is not a bed of roses, I know of a woman that has issues with her husband to the extent that, they no longer sleep in the same room, in fact they live like neighbours, for some months till they decided to resolve their issues for the sake of the children, she didn't leave her home,rather she gave the husband some distance, she cooks,take care of the children and concentrate on her work only, while praying for her husband to turn a new leaf, I know about it because the woman confided with me, people should not always be in a haste to leave their homes when the going get sour, marriage is for better for worse. if he is beating you at will, then try as much as you could to avoid a situation like that, I believe you didn't get married to the devil, he still has his good sides.

you want the man to kill somebody's daughter abi? That man is a threat to her and the children. The man beat the woman till she was i n a pool of her own blood. Haha! What if this was your child.

Dhinmmar:

Marriage has lot of challenges both physical and spiritual. But the fact that he beat her up, blood came out and he left her there. What ifs??
I think she should pray for God to bless her and lift her and her children up, any other jara can go to the husband.
Mental health first

she should 4give him.

funmisticqueen:
you want the man to kill somebody's daughter abi? That man is a threat to her and the children. The man beat the woman till she was i n a pool of her own blood. Haha! What if this was your child.

are you trying to tell me that, the woman will be on her own and the man will just come and start beating her for no just reason? is it not from series of quarrels and arguments that results in fighting? why can't she try as much as she could to avoid that kind of situation, at least for the sake of her children, she knows her husband better, maybe he is a wife beater. in that case she should avoid any serious quarrels and arguments with her husband. imaging a situation where the husband throws an insulting word's at her, and she replied.... God bless you..... at least for peace to reign.


n.b it take's two to quarrel and vice vasa.

No matter the situation, it's only an animal that would resort to beating his wife. She should try as much as possible to avoid him beating her by walking on eggshells in the home or sitting still in one corner and keeping mute, abi?

Mekenz:
are you trying to tell me that, the woman will be on her own and the man will just come and start beating her for no just reason? is it not from series of quarrels and arguments that results in fighting? why can't she try as much as she could to avoid that kind of situation, at least for the sake of her children, she knows her husband better, maybe he is a wife beater. in that case she should avoid any serious quarrels and arguments with her husband. imaging a situation where the husband throws an insulting word's at her, and she replied.... God bless you..... at least for peace to reign.


n.b it take's two to quarrel and vice vasa.