The OP clearly doesn't understand his lady.
With the way you are talking, it's best to look for another woman because you will never understand her.

You guys are completely different.

She needs someone that will accept her the way she is and help her come out of her shell a little with time. You are trying to force her to change and that's not gonna work. The thing is innate.

You think she has issues, has it ever occured to you that she might think you are too loud and too social for her liking? Or you think she is not entitled to her own feelings/opinions about you too? You are not the only one with opinions and expectations.

baby124:

Exactly. Something is not right here... she’s obviously able to be social to speak to a strange guy in public, collect his number and start a relationship. So, why is meeting his family a problem? I can’t place my hands on it, but something is not right. Not like they even met through a mutual friend or something. Or maybe her sibling toasted him for her. She met this guy in PUBLIC... something most so called severe introverts are incapable of. She either had a lucid moment or she’s setting a tone...

It could also be that she doesn’t want anyone reading her and seeing her for who she is. That is why family is so important when meeting a future spouse. They can generally see what we refuse to see and a manipulative person will avoid that.

Psychologist Baby124!

I so agree with you.

ginaolo:
Hi

I’ve been with a lady for some time now but I’m starting to have doubts about this girl.

My main concern is that she is too reserved and she doesn’t like to do anything that involves people. I come from a big family unit and she’s always avoiding family get togethers, outings, even to meet my friends and socialise with them is a huge problem. We’ve gone out very few times, she’s met my mum and a few friends, but she avoids meeting them most time. I addressed it to her and she claims she has social anxiety but for how long can I continue like this? All she wants to do is be at home. My family are already starting to get the wrong impression of her and they believe she is proud. I know my older sister is not too fond of her because of her quiet nature and I think this will take a toll on us in the future if we get married. I don’t want a wife that cannot do basic things like go out with me to events or represent me well. I don’t want a wife that will be hiding in the house 24/7.

Another thing is that she has some stubborn traits in her. She’s a lovely woman, she’s very kind, compassionate and she motivates me a lot. When she’s around me alone she’s very cool, but when it comes to going out and doing things, she starts acting up. I cannot deal with her shy nature as it’s too much and it’s becoming embarrassing. She’s 24. What do I do please?

Oga, there are two types of people. Those who are initiating and those who are responding.

Initiators aka Extroverts don't wait for people to come to them. They need to mix and initiate with people to recharge. If they are locked up against their will they can go crazy.

Responders need people to come to them. When you come to them and make them comfortable they open up and can seem extroverted among freinds.

You need to explain the most important people in your family that this is who your girl is- A responder.

One of your most extroverted sisters can make friends with her and meet her half way.

The second problem is she might be an Introverted intuitive. Intuitives are among the rearest people in the world.

Most introverted intuitive have no bone for socialization in them because the cognitive function for socializing is very low in their stack.

Hence, if your girl is one she might consider any type of social gathering shallow and only seek intellectual gatherings.

Also, social gathering drains her energy unlike extraverts.

Study her and see in which group she comes alive and talks non stop.

Also her introversion may be stronger because of her background. Maybe she stayed indoors except when it was necessary to go out most of her life.

In all if you know you can't cope, I beg you don't waste her time. Let her go and let her find true love.

Forcing her won't solve anything. She will only hate you and your family.

The only way an introvert like her might change is when she truly understands why she acts the way she does.

Femsyn:
If you can't defend and support her, please leave her alone!

I understand your plight on the long run, but you must be willing to do the above to sustain your family.

Gbam.

yeyeosoronga:


She is not married yet. He has the choice to take his leave or accept her as she is. Anxiety is a life long disorder for most people with it. There are good days and bad days. Their life doesn't have to stop because they have anxiety, and they shouldn't be discriminated against.
How can you advice someone with a mental health disorder to purposely go and seek out another person with mental health disorder? It's a shame that in 2019, we still try to discriminate against others with medical challenges

If you are serious about getting married, you notice what your intended complains about and work on it.

That she has social aniexty and wouldn't come out of her shell is pure bullshit.

I cannot marry a man who cannot stand socializing with my family. Max 5 hours in a week?

If the girl really loves the guy, she would be coming of her shell. Attend events, greet everyone and sit on her own. Next time, she packs plates and washes. The third time she joins in the kitchen.

By the 10th time, she would have made progress.

She needs to help herself.

GrossPrice:
Your the problem at this point and not your future bride.

As men we must not forget our duties are not only to provide financially, but as men and leaders we must constantly remind ourselves that our wives or wives-to-be need other things from men apart from money and the occasional "I love you's" plus the activities that come with it.

Emotional security, Stability, Congruence and Support (not financial) are important virtues. As men it is in our benefit that we nurture or at least attempt to attain all or many of these virtues.

If a child is scared of the dark, and still must pass through a dark room or corner to reach a destination; how would you encourage this child to do so?
If a woman you love, has mediocre culinary skills, how do you ensure the woman you love develops exceptional culinary skills?

Men should not recoil at a challenge because it has to many sharp bends, or because it seems like an insurmountable hurdle. For, is it not through our dogged determination we went from walking to flying, from huts to skyscrapers and from the cold hands of death to chloroquine.

I dare not say women have achieved nothing, because they have. However, I am talking to you - man to man, as such I must speak as a man!

When you go to family events do you stay close to her and hold her hands as you speak to people. You know when she is accustomed to your family members her phobia will subside.

And, when you go out with friends, do your friends come along with their wives or wives-to-be; if they do, why don't you find a way to get her well acquainted with these ladies?

You cannot plant corn and yet hope to harvest wheat. If you want corn, you plant corn, and if you want a more social wife you must plant that seed and nurture it until it grows. Whatever you desire in your soul, being or spirit (in the spiritual), you must use your hands to work for ; before it manifests in the physical.

ginaolo see this.

I think a lot of people are dealing with what the ops gf has, and this thread has given them hope. Makes them feel they are not alone. If you are extremely introverted and reserved please understand there is nothing wrong with you. Some people may not understand you, we live in a very extroverted world, but you will definitely find a few that will love and accept you for who you are. We don’t judge those who are always going out, socialising with many friends, yet we judge those who find solace in their own company. Find a little bit of balance but do not over work yourself trying to be someone you’re not. Good luck to all my wonderful introverts.

baby124:
By the way, I am not someone that goes to party everyday. In fact hubby is more social. But I don’t joke when it comes to family and mutual friends function. I show up, decked up and come out of my shell.

She can make the effort if she wants to, there are no extremes in life. If something is important to who you love as long as it does not compromise your health and safety, you will try to make them happy. Any extremist is a no-no in any situation. Run from extremists, they will destroy you.

How can someone be reluctant to meet your family and friends before marriage, is she mad? It’s even for her own good to see if she can belong to such a family or even marry you.

How will she feel if you refuse to meet her family members at all? If you act like her you won’t even meet them for introduction and you will never attend her family functions. Women can’t take that you know? Please and please flee from this woman. This one will not want to see anybody in your house. Trust me.

You even sound like the man's sister who already hates the babe without knowing her.

Dande55:
Your fiancèe is exactly my type maybe, a little worse.

I don't even know how I'm gonna meet my husby family if I get married.

I dont like crowd, and i dont like meeting people.

You should try as much as possible to draw her closer to you and don't let what others say about her affect your marriage.

She's the kinda woman most men want to have as a wife.

I think you're just a mild version of the real Blackmiserable. On the internet you'd think I am the most socially extrovert, but alas, I have anti-social tendency. I feel comfortable chatting and screaming from my keypad but not irl.

It was bad before then, but when I began balding at 23, O boy... sometimes I would (lol done it not once or twice) hide so close relatives and acquaintance do not see me. Who is pursuing me? I don't know. How often I go out in a day or make phone calls would surprise you.

You have a rare germ. If you let her go, you may regret it for the rest of your life.

Two things involved
Let her be. Just Allow her. Two lousy guys can't make a good home.

OR
Don't be too conscious of her shyness. That us, Treat her as if she's not a shy type. For instance, When u need condoms, go to a chemist shop or a pharmacy with her and get it while she's with u. Don't look at her why u do that. U can even pass it to her while u point at other things carelessly. Always know what u are doing. Be consciously nonchalant.
U are d one to undo that shyness. Recreate her!

ginaolo:
Bros she can’t even meet my family or friends, she will start misbehaving and panicking as if somebody wants to kill her. This is not normal na and I’ve tried to be patient with her, but her shyness is taking over her. I want someone who will represent me well and someone who will be a good mother to my kids.

so a reserved woman can not make a good mom?

I am reserved and will make the best mom to my kids.You've got a good lady,enjoy.

No I’m thinking she might be too shy to discipline our kids in public maybe. Or she might not be able to stand up for the kids in the future I’m scared of her soft nature, I think people will walk all over her in the future.

Simplep:
so a reserved woman can not make a good mom?

I am reserved and will make the best mom to my kids,you've got a good lady,enjoy.

Dande55:
Your fiancèe is exactly my type maybe, a little worse.

I don't even know how I'm gonna meet my husby family if I get married.

I dont like crowd, and i dont like meeting people.

You should try as much as possible to draw her closer to you and don't let what others say about her affect your marriage.

She's the kinda woman most men want to have as a wife.

Thank God I'm not alone

ginaolo:
No I’m thinking she might be too shy to discipline our kids in public maybe. Or she might not be able to stand up for the kids in the future I’m scared of her soft nature, I think people will walk all over her in the future.

oga stop being paranoid,she's good like that.

This is the time to encourage her. This habit, if left unchecked, would last forever. Social anxiety is too extreme to ignore. Introversion is normal but social anxiety isn't. You cannot 'overcome' introversion but you can deal with social anxiety. Encourage her to join a group in your local church. That was how I started. Many great speakers like Sam Adeyemi or Joel Osteen, had this issue at some point in their lives, but they dealt with it.

GrossPrice:
Your the problem at this point and not your future bride.

As men we must not forget our duties are not only to provide financially, but as men and leaders we must constantly remind ourselves that our wives or wives-to-be need other things from men apart from money and the occasional "I love you's" plus the activities that come with it.

Emotional security, Stability, Congruence and Support (not financial) are important virtues. As men it is in our benefit that we nurture or at least attempt to attain all or many of these virtues.

If a child is scared of the dark, and still must pass through a dark room or corner to reach a destination; how would you encourage this child to do so?
If a woman you love, has mediocre culinary skills, how do you ensure the woman you love develops exceptional culinary skills?

Men should not recoil at a challenge because it has to many sharp bends, or because it seems like an insurmountable hurdle. For, is it not through our dogged determination we went from walking to flying, from huts to skyscrapers and from the cold hands of death to chloroquine.

I dare not say women have achieved nothing, because they have. However, I am talking to you - man to man, as such I must speak as a man!

When you go to family events do you stay close to her and hold her hands as you speak to people. You know when she is accustomed to your family members her phobia will subside.

And, when you go out with friends, do your friends come along with their wives or wives-to-be; if they do, why don't you find a way to get her well acquainted with these ladies?

You cannot plant corn and yet hope to harvest wheat. If you want corn, you plant corn, and if you want a more social wife you must plant that seed and nurture it until it grows. Whatever you desire in your soul, being or spirit (in the spiritual), you must use your hands to work for ; before it manifests in the physical.

This clearly shows you understand how to manage individual traits specifically introverts like her.
Massive respect to you GrossPrice! Respect!!

generationz:


You even sound like the man's sister who already hates the babe without knowing her.

Asin eeh, I just tire.

She has been all over this thread. Everybody cannot be the same.

I am like op's gf too, I don't like loud people, they annoy me, especially, when I have no interest in what they are discussing and they are looking at me as if something is wrong with me.

Meeting new people is another wahala, I don't just know why or how to deal with it.

When I'm with like minded persons, am sure my roommates will be shocked if they see me with them.

ginaolo:
Hi

I’ve been with a lady for some time now but I’m starting to have doubts about this girl.

My main concern is that she is too reserved and she doesn’t like to do anything that involves people. I come from a big family unit and she’s always avoiding family get togethers, outings, even to meet my friends and socialise with them is a huge problem. We’ve gone out very few times, she’s met my mum and a few friends, but she avoids meeting them most time. I addressed it to her and she claims she has social anxiety but for how long can I continue like this? All she wants to do is be at home. My family are already starting to get the wrong impression of her and they believe she is proud. I know my older sister is not too fond of her because of her quiet nature and I think this will take a toll on us in the future if we get married. I don’t want a wife that cannot do basic things like go out with me to events or represent me well. I don’t want a wife that will be hiding in the house 24/7.

Another thing is that she has some stubborn traits in her. She’s a lovely woman, she’s very kind, compassionate and she motivates me a lot. When she’s around me alone she’s very cool, but when it comes to going out and doing things, she starts acting up. I cannot deal with her shy nature as it’s too much and it’s becoming embarrassing. She’s 24. What do I do please?

please her number, my kind of woman.

This thread just confirmed my suspicion that nairaland is a gathering of people who are mostly introverts, socially awkward, and can only fight and curse behind a keyboard.

See as everybody dey claim to be like the OP girl

Dande55:
Your fiancèe is exactly my type maybe, a little worse.

I don't even know how I'm gonna meet my husby family if I get married.

I dont like crowd, and i dont like meeting people.

You should try as much as possible to draw her closer to you and don't let what others say about her affect your marriage.

She's the kinda woman most men want to have as a wife.

that's the kind of woman I need as wife, no drama queen.

MissOffpoint:


Asin eeh, I just tire.

She has been all over this thread. Everybody cannot be the same.

I am like op's gf too, I don't like loud people, they annoy me, especially, when I have no interest in what they are discussing and they are looking at me as if something is wrong with.

When I'm with like minded persons, am sure my roommates will be shocked if they see me with them.

Some people can be very judgmental but don't want to be judged when they experience difficulties.

Chai, if only...

Meat and poison sha!!!

Don't ring the bells if neither of u ain't healed.

Cos u know u gotta problem too, right?

MissOffpoint:


Asin eeh, I just tire.

She has been all over this thread. Everybody cannot be the same.

I am like op's gf too, I don't like loud people, they annoy me, especially, when I have no interest in what they are discussing and they are looking at me as if something is wrong with.

When I'm with like minded persons, am sure my roommates will be shocked if they see me with them.

I think most of us here dont like obnoxious people or overly crowded situations. But with that said, are you saying that you'd avoid your mans people?

I am reserved most of the time but I cant honestly say I would behave as drastically as that. Thats what baby was trying to say

How are you going to marry them if you cant sit down with them for a couple of hours so that theyll see your face...

Apart from that its an affront to the guy that you claim to love

ginaolo:
No I’m thinking she might be too shy to discipline our kids in public maybe. Or she might not be able to stand up for the kids in the future I’m scared of her soft nature, I think people will walk all over her in the future.

oga, that's why you are there to defend her, if you truly love her. I'm also similar to your fiancee but no one dare mess with me because I have friends who are bold, daring and have got my back anytime.
Nobody is perfect, we all have our weakness, that's why we compliment each other.
You will see true value of what you have, once you can help her come out of her anxiety. She might not really be comfortable meeting a lot of new people at once but will comfortable meeting one new person at a time. You can start by trying to get her close to your immediate siblings or younger siblings before getting her close to other older members of the family.
But if you think you cannot cope or you can't be patient enough, kindly let her go and don't marry her out of pity. Because you will end up making her miserable.

Did op say 'she refused to meet his family'?

I will meet his family, hopefully they are nice and understanding people. But that one of everytime meeting meeting, I can't do it.

midnighter:


I think most of us here dont like obnoxious people or overly crowded situations. But with that said, are you saying that you'd refuse to meet your mans people?

I am reserved most of the time but I cant honestly say I would behave as drastically as that. Thats what baby was trying to say

How are you going to marry them if you cant sit down with them for a couple of hours so that theyll see your face...

Apart from that its an affront to the guy that you claim to love

It's like you have never met obnoxious people, wait till you meet people like my roommates, you will feel like disappearing from this Earth

MissOffpoint:
Did op say 'she refused to meet his family'?

I will meet his family, hopefully they are nice and understanding people. But that one of everytime meeting meeting, I can't do it.

My mistake, I mean keep avoiding them like he was complaining about. Like refusing to mix with them

Yeah it shouldnt be every time if you find it draining but I feel its important to at least show up and greet once in a while

The way hes saying it its like she really cant cope with it at all

baby124:
By the way, I am not someone that goes to party everyday. In fact hubby is more social. But I don’t joke when it comes to family and mutual friends function. I show up, decked up and come out of my shell.

She can make the effort if she wants to, there are no extremes in life. If something is important to who you love as long as it does not compromise your health and safety, you will try to make them happy. Any extremist is a no-no in any situation. Run from extremists, they will destroy you.

How can someone be reluctant to meet your family and friends before marriage, is she mad? It’s even for her own good to see if she can belong to such a family or even marry you.

How will she feel if you refuse to meet her family members at all? If you act like her you won’t even meet them for introduction and you will never attend her family functions. Women can’t take that you know? Please and please flee from this woman. This one will not want to see anybody in your house. Trust me.

Women, you hate yourselves so much

MissOffpoint:


It's like you have never met obnoxious people, wait till you meet people like my roommates, you will feel like disappearing from this Earth

Of course, I have stayed in hostels with people who I wondered whether it was even human beings who gave birth to them

But I think for my sweetheart I can at least try to ginger myself, especially if he comes from a close family and those relationships are important to him.

i dont even talk much to a lot of people in my own extended family but when we have events in the village or something I will go and land myself in the middle of it, cooking, serving/entertaining people and running around even if I dont like the person

ctleurocollege:
Women, you hate yourselves so much

We dont have to agree with everything somebody says or does just because she is a woman. You people should stop saying this thing

When you people insult yourselves over Pdp or whatever nobody cautions you not to insult your fellow man

midnighter:


Of course, I have stayed in hostels with people who I wondered whether it was even human beings who gave birth to them

But I think for my sweetheart I can at least try to ginger myself, especially if he comes from a close family and those relationships are important to him.

i dont even talk much to a lot of people in my own extended family but when we have events in the village or something I will go and land myself in the middle of it, cooking, serving/entertaining people and running aroundeven if I dont like the person

I don't like anything public. Hopefully, my future husband will not have a big family like op's.