philip0906:

I was just laughing at the comments...Shows that many of these guys in here, are sociopaths like the @op's girl, who are internet warriors behind keyboards but in real life, are water leafs.

I am attracted to calm, reserved & maybe shy women, but not anti-social humans who are at the extreme...I can assure you, many of the men in here screaming that's their type of woman, when they get into such relationships, will get bored and tired when they see what they will be dealing with

Spot on!
Of a truth, Nairaland is not what it used to be again.
Most times, i just read Headlines and exit. The comments by most members for a while now are everything but interesting; they are either disturbing or misleading.

mudiana:
you didn't mention anything about her family or her relationship with them, you sure say no be ghost she be

ghost ke! Lol

Solsix:

Nah the kind wife I want, no need of socializing with fake people up and down.

I tell you

AntiBrutus:
:PEverybody mustn't be outgoing.

My brother was like that and he struggled with relationships because girls also thought he is weird and maybe psychopathic.

Even my parents complained. They felt he was docile for a man- meaning they probably wouldn't have complained that much if it were me.

However, I understood him and so many times I had to speak when words failed him at occasions and all through our days in secondary school

You are an angel

ginaolo:
Hi

I’ve been with a lady for some time now but I’m starting to have doubts about this girl.

My main concern is that she is too reserved and she doesn’t like to do anything that involves people. I come from a big family unit and she’s always avoiding family get togethers, outings, even to meet my friends and socialise with them is a huge problem. We’ve gone out very few times, she’s met my mum and a few friends, but she avoids meeting them most time. I addressed it to her and she claims she has social anxiety but for how long can I continue like this? All she wants to do is be at home. My family are already starting to get the wrong impression of her and they believe she is proud. I know my older sister is not too fond of her because of her quiet nature and I think this will take a toll on us in the future if we get married. I don’t want a wife that cannot do basic things like go out with me to events or represent me well. I don’t want a wife that will be hiding in the house 24/7.

If Mohammed cannot get to the mountain the mountain would come to Mohammed.
You should simply explain ur fiancée fright in meeting people to your family members. It's more of a psychological disorder than just her being overtly shy, so you could employ the service of a psychologist to help her be free.
if she doesn't like going out you could help to ease her tension by inviting the people you'd like to meet to ur house when she's around but not without letting them know how she fidgets around people she isn't familiar with.
With time she would grow to be more accommodating

ginaolo:
Hi

Wait! How about guys who act same way.
Being shy or reserved isn't a bad thing (as long as you are sure she isn't pretending). I think what matters most is how she acts when you guys are alone (together).
I'm saying this bc I have similar trait also (gets pretty uncomfortable mingling with people) and I tend to appreciate and enjoy my time alone. Partying (including official presentation/social functions at workplace) isn't my thing and a few do wonder how comfortable I feel not being sociable.
Understanding your spouse is KEY. Respect and appreciate her nature (provided it won't endanger people around you). You can encourage her but don't force bc it won't work. Matter-of-factly, don't attempt it because of how your siblings/family would feel about her. It's your duty at that point to make them understand, even as you hope for improvements in her nature.

ctleurocollege:




Women, you hate yourselves so much

I tell you. She just kept blabbering all over the thread like she's perfect. For Christ's sake, the lady in question hasn't committed any crime, she just found herself 'socially incapacitated' and can't help it. She just needs help to emancipate herself.

ginaolo:
All I’m trying to say is too much of everything is bad. I want her to loosen up a little, because her nature is worrying

No need to be worried bro, just leave her and let those who love such nature marry her so there won't be any problem in the future.

Most times we think we can change people within few months of knowing them when we ourselves have been fighting a particular habit for ages.

I am a guy OP and I have same issue as your girlfriend but that's doesn't mean we are bad, we are just people who depend on ourselves more in the past and you can't force us to change overnight or in few months.

I don't like crowd, and my own crowd means than one extra person. Even the one person might not even hear my voice all through the conversation.
This is same reason I don't like relationship. Ladies come closer and they get hurt by my silence because I don't understand how to express or reciprocate emotions.
Sometimes I'm not proud of it but I don't allow things to get in my mind so I stay alone.

Do you know my best friend was angry with me at first because I don't been go out? He sometimes would suggest we go swimming and I will tell him know, let's go out to eat, no, lets go out and watch film, never, etc.
He got angry and asked me what gives me fun and I said being alone and reading or attempting a task.

What I'm saying op is that you can't change someone this fast and you may pressure her to stay away from you.

its all depend on where you reside. because same thing happened to me bro. my girl is from a middle wealth family, she was not use to going out and all sorts even worsen than yours. i am from a poor background, though we reside in same area with my family later decided to lost myself. i mean i left my father's house to stay alone, Oshodi to be precised, ghetto area where bad guys and girls lives. so one day, i decided to invite her over to my place, when she came, she saw the ghetto live. i kept inviting her over and over and before i knew it, she started blending up with the ghetto live. now as i'm typing here, she has over exposed than people she met in the ghetto. one thing i respect her for is that she doesn't cheat on do all sorts of rubbish you may think. so i believe location can expose that kind of person. just try and take her on a visit to all these area like Mushin, Ajegunle, Oshodi, Agege, and sooo. then you will think me later.

ginaolo:
Hi

I’ve been with a lady for some time now but I’m starting to have doubts about this girl.

My main concern is that she is too reserved and she doesn’t like to do anything that involves people. I come from a big family unit and she’s always avoiding family get togethers, outings, even to meet my friends and socialise with them is a huge problem. We’ve gone out very few times, she’s met my mum and a few friends, but she avoids meeting them most time. I addressed it to her and she claims she has social anxiety but for how long can I continue like this? All she wants to do is be at home. My family are already starting to get the wrong impression of her and they believe she is proud. I know my older sister is not too fond of her because of her quiet nature and I think this will take a toll on us in the future if we get married. I don’t want a wife that cannot do basic things like go out with me to events or represent me well. I don’t want a wife that will be hiding in the house 24/7.

Another thing is that she has some stubborn traits in her. She’s a lovely woman, she’s very kind, compassionate and she motivates me a lot. When she’s around me alone she’s very cool, but when it comes to going out and doing things, she starts acting up. I cannot deal with her shy nature as it’s too much and it’s becoming embarrassing. She’s 24. What do I do please?

[color=#006600][/color]

ginaolo:
Hi

I’ve been with a lady for some time now but I’m starting to have doubts about this girl.

My main concern is that she is too reserved and she doesn’t like to do anything that involves people. I come from a big family unit and she’s always avoiding family get togethers, outings, even to meet my friends and socialise with them is a huge problem. We’ve gone out very few times, she’s met my mum and a few friends, but she avoids meeting them most time. I addressed it to her and she claims she has social anxiety but for how long can I continue like this? All she wants to do is be at home. My family are already starting to get the wrong impression of her and they believe she is proud. I know my older sister is not too fond of her because of her quiet nature and I think this will take a toll on us in the future if we get married. I don’t want a wife that cannot do basic things like go out with me to events or represent me well. I don’t want a wife that will be hiding in the house 24/7.

Another thing is that she has some stubborn traits in her. She’s a lovely woman, she’s very kind, compassionate and she motivates me a lot. When she’s around me alone she’s very cool, but when it comes to going out and doing things, she starts acting up. I cannot deal with her shy nature as it’s too much and it’s becoming embarrassing. She’s 24. What do I do please?

My kind of woman such women are scarce.
Introverts are the best. @op if you no want her like that abeg forward her numbers to me.

Feel your pain, man... I know social functions are a big part of our culture here in Nigeria, it's kind of hard for people like us (introverts), But i don't hesitate if it's family or quite important, I'll just put my on my "social face" and engage and socialize in the event to my ability and might end up having a good time. Judging from what you said your wife is "Phlegmatic", relax it's not a disease... It's another word for "introverted" and you can't change that, it's a sum of everything she experienced while growing up, From past experiences, life-lessons, background, environment and many more... There's not much you can do but i recommend you get her to read this book "5 SECOND RULE" it'll change her whole perspective about life and help her balance her quiet nature and her social life. You can download it online too at "www.pdfdrive.com" don't worry it's free ... I know it sounds crazy but this book helped me alot from coming out of my shell, i know it'll help her too. Good luck.

philip0906:

From what the @op described.

still not good enough reason in my opinion, the OP might have exaggerated some points, constructive criticism is good enough but going full blown judgemental is going overboard.

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Dande55:
Your fiancèe is exactly my type maybe, a little worse.

I don't even know how I'm gonna meet my husby family if I get married.

I dont like crowd, and i dont like meeting people.

You should try as much as possible to draw her closer to you and don't let what others say about her affect your marriage.

She's the kinda woman most men want to have as a wife.

Are you truly the quiet type ?

ginaolo:
Hi

I’ve been with a lady for some time now but I’m starting to have doubts about this girl.

My main concern is that she is too reserved and she doesn’t like to do anything that involves people. I come from a big family unit and she’s always avoiding family get togethers, outings, even to meet my friends and socialise with them is a huge problem. We’ve gone out very few times, she’s met my mum and a few friends, but she avoids meeting them most time. I addressed it to her and she claims she has social anxiety but for how long can I continue like this? All she wants to do is be at home. My family are already starting to get the wrong impression of her and they believe she is proud. I know my older sister is not too fond of her because of her quiet nature and I think this will take a toll on us in the future if we get married. I don’t want a wife that cannot do basic things like go out with me to events or represent me well. I don’t want a wife that will be hiding in the house 24/7.

Another thing is that she has some stubborn traits in her. She’s a lovely woman, she’s very kind, compassionate and she motivates me a lot. When she’s around me alone she’s very cool, but when it comes to going out and doing things, she starts acting up. I cannot deal with her shy nature as it’s too much and it’s becoming embarrassing. She’s 24. What do I do please?

Abeg if u dont love her they way she is then give me her number. Thats the type of Woman I need.

If she is too social you will come here and accuse her for being wayward

destinyy23:
I tell you. She just kept blabbering all over the thread like she's perfect. For Christ's sake, the lady in question hasn't committed any crime, she just found herself 'socially incapacitated' and can't help it. She just needs help to emancipate herself.

She doesn't need any help, she's not bound or in any prison. She's one of the few people who can survive without others.
My few friends try to fix me like I'm one damaged device just because I don't go out.
I always feel going out doesn't add any value to my life which may be wrong but I don't force people to be like me.

Another reason is that I've weaponized silence to the fact that I listen more. People get offended by my silence a lot and that even scares me to be in the midst of more than 3 people.

ginaolo:
Bros she can’t even meet my family or friends, she will start misbehaving and panicking as if somebody wants to kill her. This is not normal na and I’ve tried to be patient with her, but her shyness is taking over her. I want someone who will represent me well and someone who will be a good mother to my kids.

She has explained to u that she has social anxiety, its ur place to help her out and cope with her person. If u cant drop her and somebody worthy will marry her with joy

midnighter:


Of course, I have stayed in hostels with people who I wondered whether it was even human beings who gave birth to them

But I think for my sweetheart I can at least try to ginger myself, especially if he comes from a close family and those relationships are important to him.

i dont even talk much to a lot of people in my own extended family but when we have events in the village or something I will go and land myself in the middle of it, cooking, serving/entertaining people and running around even if I dont like the person

You can do all these, great! but don't castigate someone else's inability to cope with them. There are other things she might be capable of that you wouldn't dare. Don't come acting like she has to be you, she can't be you and God helping her, she'd overcome this challenge.

phlegmatic007:
Your Gf is a female me, but probably older.
My advice is that you should leave her, someone who will cherish her even with all her weakness will come around and help her to overcome them.

I have always wondered if it's a downside to being a phlegmatic person ..

[color=#006600][/color]

ginaolo:
All I’m trying to say is too much of everything is bad. I want her to loosen up a little, because her nature is worrying

Op are you looking for a wife or A TROPHY WIFE ? Because it's seems you are more concern about what people think than the wellbeing/happiness of your woman.

Abeg free the lady joor make she meet better man that will love her the way she is.

ehix89:
still not good enough reason in my opinion, the OP might have exaggerated some points, constructive criticism is good enough but going full blown judgemental is going overboard.

There was no full blown judgement passed. Her posts were simply based on what the @op posted wether exaggerated or not.

She did make very valid submissions and made the @op see things with the lens of reality.

ginaolo:
I met her randomly on the road it wasn’t in a social setting. But how do I deal with her not wanting to meet family and friends? It’s disrespectful to me. As a wife you have to be open to meet my family atleast, when they are always asking about her, I can’t keep on making excuses for her na. People think there’s something wrong with my gf even though I’ve told them she is the shy type.

Stop wasting people's time here.
Let her go in peace and stop wasting her time.

You knew you were not compatible earlier on but you still went ahead with the relationship.
To what end?

baby124:

Complete yourself before entering a relationship for marriage. Work on yourself. Don’t count on anyone helping you heal. That should be you and your parents problem before marriage. He obviously did not sign up for her disorders.

A relationship is when you try to realize what you can deal with. He obviously cannot deal with someone with her issues. That is why he is here. She is better off finding someone that has anxiety like her.

I have read your comments on this particular topicand I have come to conclusion that you are insensitive and MEAN..Jazzz.

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lilmax:
Please leave her for us

Dump her now and look for who will go to all events including the ones you don't want her to go to

The op don't know the rear kind of woman he has. Something I have been looking for all my life.

you accept her the way she is or let her go bro. That's who she is and you can't change her to fit your lifestyle.







check my signature for a posh environment for your events, photoshoot and videoshoot.

Mr man, are you courting that woman? Are you just noticing that she is the reserved type? Now the scales have fallen off your eyes, you are here disturbing us with your lamentations more than the writer of the book of lamentations.

She is who she is. Let her be. If she is an introvert who likes her space, let her be and allow her warm up to people at her own time and frequency. If she was overly over the place na you go still complain.

As if you didn't know she was quiet from dating days. . If you like feed her and her weaknesses to your family for feasting. Instead of you to cover up for your fiancée's weaknesses you dey lament. If you want an extroverted woman go look for her and marry but don't come and complain she attends all outings, since is a party/outing /social gathering wife you want.

destinyy23:
You can do all these, great! but don't castigate someone else's inability to cope with them. There are other things she might be capable of that you wouldn't dare. Don't come acting like she has to be you, she can't be you and God helping her, she'd overcome this challenge.

Seems like you're also a sociopath like the @op's girl...

[color=#006600][/color]

ginaolo:
I’m being patient but until you are in my shoes you won’t understand. You don’t know the feeling of going to a place where everybody is with their gf and wives and I have to go alone because she wants to stay at home. People are constantly asking you where your gf is, and you have to make excuses all the time. It’s not fair, it’s weighing me down.

You just confirm it.
You WANT A TROPHY WIFE.

ginaolo:
Hi

I’ve been with a lady for some time now but I’m starting to have doubts about this girl.

My main concern is that she is too reserved and she doesn’t like to do anything that involves people. I come from a big family unit and she’s always avoiding family get togethers, outings, even to meet my friends and socialise with them is a huge problem. We’ve gone out very few times, she’s met my mum and a few friends, but she avoids meeting them most time. I addressed it to her and she claims she has social anxiety but for how long can I continue like this? All she wants to do is be at home. My family are already starting to get the wrong impression of her and they believe she is proud. I know my older sister is not too fond of her because of her quiet nature and I think this will take a toll on us in the future if we get married. I don’t want a wife that cannot do basic things like go out with me to events or represent me well. I don’t want a wife that will be hiding in the house 24/7.

Another thing is that she has some stubborn traits in her. She’s a lovely woman, she’s very kind, compassionate and she motivates me a lot. When she’s around me alone she’s very cool, but when it comes to going out and doing things, she starts acting up. I cannot deal with her shy nature as it’s too much and it’s becoming embarrassing. She’s 24. What do I do please?

Lol she fit be spirit o

baby124:

Complete yourself before entering a relationship for marriage. Work on yourself. Don’t count on anyone helping you heal. That should be you and your parents problem before marriage. He obviously did not sign up for her disorders.

A relationship is when you try to realize what you can deal with. He obviously cannot deal with someone with her issues. That is why he is here. She is better off finding someone that has anxiety like her.

Those who think as the bold end up in miserable marriages because they were
pretending to be who they are not.

Personality is not something you can turn on and off.
She is not broken, she is just different from you.
You can't understand because you can only see from your own perspective.
The OP is 100% to blame as he shouldn't have prolonged the relationship in
the first place.

kingkakaone:

She doesn't need any help, she's not bound or in any prison. She's one of the few people who can survive without others.
My few friends try to fix me like I'm one damaged device just because I don't go out.
I always feel going out doesn't add any value to my life which may be wrong but I don't force people to be like me.

Another reason is that I've weaponized silence to the fact that I listen more. People get offended by my silence a lot and that even scares me to be in the midst of more than 3 people.

Lol. I understand. Presently, I live among people that play and shout too much and I'm always like, why would someone be this playful? Nevertheless, we're in a 'society', meaning socialization is crucial to our survival. Some are inherently sociable but for us that weren't made as such, we can still make conscious efforts to break out of our comfort zones. That said, don't let anyone intimidate you for having the personality you have, we can't all be the same.

Forumobserver12:



I have read your comments on this particular topicand I have come to conclusion that you are insensitive and MEAN..Jazzz.

Absolutely nothing insensitive about her posts...Her posts were directed at the @op & not the girl.

The @op needed hard truths which she dished out. It's left for the @op to choose to be a therapist or face reality that what he is dealing with is an extreme & they are not compatible.

ginaolo:
Hi

I’ve been with a lady for some time now but I’m starting to have doubts about this girl.

My main concern is that she is too reserved and she doesn’t like to do anything that involves people. I come from a big family unit and she’s always avoiding family get togethers, outings, even to meet my friends and socialise with them is a huge problem. We’ve gone out very few times, she’s met my mum and a few friends, but she avoids meeting them most time. I addressed it to her and she claims she has social anxiety but for how long can I continue like this? All she wants to do is be at home. My family are already starting to get the wrong impression of her and they believe she is proud. I know my older sister is not too fond of her because of her quiet nature and I think this will take a toll on us in the future if we get married. I don’t want a wife that cannot do basic things like go out with me to events or represent me well. I don’t want a wife that will be hiding in the house 24/7.

Another thing is that she has some stubborn traits in her. She’s a lovely woman, she’s very kind, compassionate and she motivates me a lot. When she’s around me alone she’s very cool, but when it comes to going out and doing things, she starts acting up. I cannot deal with her shy nature as it’s too much and it’s becoming embarrassing. She’s 24. What do I do please?

I know you don't like the situation but i bet you don't know what it feels like to live with social anxiety disorder. You will never be able to understand. Please try all you can to help her through it. There is therapy and medication that can reduce it. But do not leave her because of this. People with social anxiety disorder( if true) put a front of independence and capability of being alone but deep down their greatest fear is the loneliness they know this illness can bring. Good luck.