₦airaland Forum

Pussywar:
Rejection.

CHoccolaTE:
Honestly, especially Nigerian men. Evil, arrogant and selfish group of people.
Even if housework and bread winning is killing their wives it's not their concern, as long as his ego is massaged.

And look at the hypocrites on this thread asking madam to continue showing a self centered egoist love and pray for him.

Let a woman be the one acting so useless in her marriage this thread will be counting five pages of insults by now.

LoudlyMouthed:
Eyaaah

Theboss100:
Pls 4give him for calling u nematode

drizzypat:
hi can i ask a question?

do you have a man in your life?,i dont wonna seem rude but the way you outrightly bash the guys makes me wonder if everything is ok with you

vickydevoka:
She is very right

MamaFryo:
What is this one even saying biko? Is he not meant to be the bread winner of the home as the society takes it. So when the woman now starts acting as the bread winner is there not something wrong? That is not even the issue, if he were to be the one working and the wife is at home, won't he expect the wife to do the house work? Now that he is the one at home, why is he not doing the house cleaning?

CHoccolaTE:
Abeg shift, nairaland men always bash women and you people don't see anything wrong with it

CHoccolaTE:
See another example of how women keep getting scammed with this marriage crap.

Men will never ever agree that they should be responsible for housework and childcare but ther selfish arrogant asses want women to be co-breadwinners and providers.


Op the lord is your strength. Ask yourself what he himself would do if you were the one sitting at home 24/7 not providing and not doing housework and then demanding that he should not employ house helps. Will he take it in patience and still show you love?
Or better still ask him.
Ask him if he enjoys seeing you get stressed and overworked because of his ego issues.

And the funny thing is that many men in marriages today are living like this because of the bad economy, they depend on their wives for financial support but will stubbornly refuse to help with house chores.

queenfav:
Men get away with so much cr.ap. This is why a lot of women are looking twice their age. He resigned from his job and refused to take a lower paying job. The same wife that has been holding the home down financially and taking care of three children is still the one he is making life hell for. This should be a time where either he agrees to a domestic help to make her life easier or he does the chores himself!

.
.
I don't believe in sugar coating things. Op married a very selfish and emotionally abusive man and she just has to manage him like that. Again all these boils down to what a woman agrees to stomach from day one in her marriage!A man only doles out as much cr.ap that he knows you will stomach without standing up for what you want.
.
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The moment he started making flimsy complains about the helps was when she should have asked him how he expects her to cope with chores, three kids and a job should she fire the help? As a woman, pls marry a man you can talk to, not one u see and cower in fear. Marriage is a partnership, not a master slave relationship! A man who wants his marriage to work will be thinking of how to make life easier for his wife, not watch her work like a horse till she looks like an 85 year old woman!

hope4nigeria:
sorry madam, your husband is not a serious man, my wife was a banker, when we got tired of house help, I do most of the house work to assist my wife because she leaves for work early and come late, we set up a business which my wife fund 70% with her salary. July this year, the bank lay them of, we expanded the business, she's stay in the shop while I do the supply, we are happy ever after, we don't even need house help anymore because of their attitudes, we gist together and do house chores like we are playing. Nothing is too difficult when we understand each other. I don't know why some men act authoritatively .

UnbiasTruth:
I am sorry this is rather too long but please I need to pour out my mind because I need your mature advice. I have been going through a lot of trauma since my husband stopped working and it is really getting to me because my blood pressure is high.

I love my husband and despite what is happening now, I still love him. I just need advice on how to manage the situation right now.

My husband is a hard-working, loving, caring and gentle man; he showed me true love from the first day I met him. He was very dedicated to his job and he received commendations from his boss and colleagues at work but something just happened that led to his resignation.

A kind of conspiracy against him. He was advised by one of his superiors at work to resign. Now it’s been more than a year that he is out of job. All attempts to get him back into the labour force had been futile because he keeps saying he does not want to settle for less.

He was earning six figure salary while at his former place of work and he has a side business which he still manages till now but the profit is close to nothing and it is not even constant.

Now, the issue I have with him is that my husband gets angry at almost everything. He nags and drinks (not with friends because he is an introvert) excessively, so he is always at home. He keeps on complaining about our house helps even when I investigate and realize that most of his complaints are flimsy. We have changed house helps in this year up to 4 times.

So, in August this year, I decided not to get any maid again since we could not find one whose domestic care service would satisfy my husband.

Mind you, I have been the one practically footing the bill after two months that my husband lost his job because we made a huge investment in acquiring some property shortly before he lost his job. So, I pay house rent, school fees, feed the whole family (we have 3 lovely children) from my salary.

My nature of work rarely gives me time so I can’t afford to take care of the children and do much of the house chores. I explained to my husband to assist since he is always at home but he keeps saying if he had not lost his job, I wouldn’t have asked him to do basic house chores.

I know he was raised with silver spoon so he rarely knows how to do most domestic work. I had been the one doing this before we started having house helps and my job at office got more engaging.

My pastor recently advised that I should consider getting a professional cleaner who will only do some routine cleaning and leave immediately because my husband may not be comfortable with a stranger in the house.

Two days ago, I came across a thread https://www.nairaland.com/5426688/what-cost-getting-regular-home here on Nairaland while searching for a good cleaning service here in Lagos and I decided to pay for the service of a male cleaner.

After discussing with my husband, he shunned the idea and still insists I do it myself. So, he asked me to demand a refund. I need someone to help me do some basic cleaning at home since I can afford to pay for the service, but my husband does not want to accept any stranger in our home.

I have asked my pastor and my mother-in-law to talk to him also but he is still keeping deaf hear.

Is there anyone with a better suggestion before I get fed up?

bukatyne:
Your husband has lost what he hung his self-esteem on which is his ability to earn.

Like you said, he was born with a silver spoon so he is used to a lifestyle and feels like a failure. That also reflects in his 'I can't lower my standards' statement.

I however do not like his inconsiderate attitude. If he is not going to hold the fort, he should let you at least hire professional cleaning services.

Since you say he loves and cares for you, engage him as a lover. Keep aside his mom and pastor.

Point out to him that you can't keep up with the chores and ask him to point out his reservations with the live in/professional help so you can work around his concerns.

Also stop him for drinking. Remove all the alcoholic drinks from your home, constantly remind him of his achievements and encourage him that he can rise again. Be a little more tender with him, let your embraces provide warmth and hope.

Depending on the financial structure and resources, just send something to him regularly so he doesn't think of how to have an haircut because he is broke.

Also proactively assist in job hunting. Are his skills obsolete? Does he need updated certifications? Is his CV updated? Does he need to start from smaller jobs before growing?

Also be emotionally intelligent. When he agreed to something, it might not be from his 'church' mind.

MamaFryo:
I need to arrest your husband right away. That guy needs to be locked in the cell for his head to be correct. Tell him to kukuma kill you na!


Let me book space here to hear from other people...

CHoccolaTE:
See another example of how women keep getting scammed with this marriage crap.

Men will never ever agree that they should be responsible for housework and childcare but ther selfish arrogant asses want women to be co-breadwinners and providers.


Op the lord is your strength. Ask yourself what he himself would do if you were the one sitting at home 24/7 not providing and not doing housework and then demanding that he should not employ house helps. Will he take it in patience and still show you love?
Or better still ask him.
Ask him if he enjoys seeing you get stressed and overworked because of his ego issues.

And the funny thing is that many men in marriages today are living like this because of the bad economy, they depend on their wives for financial support but will stubbornly refuse to help with house chores.

UnbiasTruth:
I am sorry this is rather too long but please I need to pour out my mind because I need your mature advice. I have been going through a lot of trauma since my husband stopped working and it is really getting to me because my blood pressure is high.

I love my husband and despite what is happening now, I still love him. I just need advice on how to manage the situation right now.

My husband is a hard-working, loving, caring and gentle man; he showed me true love from the first day I met him. He was very dedicated to his job and he received commendations from his boss and colleagues at work but something just happened that led to his resignation.

A kind of conspiracy against him. He was advised by one of his superiors at work to resign. Now it’s been more than a year that he is out of job. All attempts to get him back into the labour force had been futile because he keeps saying he does not want to settle for less.

He was earning six figure salary while at his former place of work and he has a side business which he still manages till now but the profit is close to nothing and it is not even constant.

Now, the issue I have with him is that my husband gets angry at almost everything. He nags and drinks (not with friends because he is an introvert) excessively, so he is always at home. He keeps on complaining about our house helps even when I investigate and realize that most of his complaints are flimsy. We have changed house helps in this year up to 4 times.

So, in August this year, I decided not to get any maid again since we could not find one whose domestic care service would satisfy my husband.

Mind you, I have been the one practically footing the bill after two months that my husband lost his job because we made a huge investment in acquiring some property shortly before he lost his job. So, I pay house rent, school fees, feed the whole family (we have 3 lovely children) from my salary.

My nature of work rarely gives me time so I can’t afford to take care of the children and do much of the house chores. I explained to my husband to assist since he is always at home but he keeps saying if he had not lost his job, I wouldn’t have asked him to do basic house chores.

I know he was raised with silver spoon so he rarely knows how to do most domestic work. I had been the one doing this before we started having house helps and my job at office got more engaging.

My pastor recently advised that I should consider getting a professional cleaner who will only do some routine cleaning and leave immediately because my husband may not be comfortable with a stranger in the house.

Two days ago, I came across a thread https://www.nairaland.com/5426688/what-cost-getting-regular-home here on Nairaland while searching for a good cleaning service here in Lagos and I decided to pay for the service of a male cleaner.

After discussing with my husband, he shunned the idea and still insists I do it myself. So, he asked me to demand a refund. I need someone to help me do some basic cleaning at home since I can afford to pay for the service, but my husband does not want to accept any stranger in our home.

I have asked my pastor and my mother-in-law to talk to him also but he is still keeping deaf hear.

Is there anyone with a better suggestion before I get fed up?

CHoccolaTE:
Which edifying words agan??
My post was filled with edifying words

UnbiasTruth:
I am sorry this is rather too long but please I need to pour out my mind because I need your mature advice. I have been going through a lot of trauma since my husband stopped working and it is really getting to me because my blood pressure is high.

I love my husband and despite what is happening now, I still love him. I just need advice on how to manage the situation right now.

My husband is a hard-working, loving, caring and gentle man; he showed me true love from the first day I met him. He was very dedicated to his job and he received commendations from his boss and colleagues at work but something just happened that led to his resignation.

A kind of conspiracy against him. He was advised by one of his superiors at work to resign. Now it’s been more than a year that he is out of job. All attempts to get him back into the labour force had been futile because he keeps saying he does not want to settle for less.

He was earning six figure salary while at his former place of work and he has a side business which he still manages till now but the profit is close to nothing and it is not even constant.

Now, the issue I have with him is that my husband gets angry at almost everything. He nags and drinks (not with friends because he is an introvert) excessively, so he is always at home. He keeps on complaining about our house helps even when I investigate and realize that most of his complaints are flimsy. We have changed house helps in this year up to 4 times.

So, in August this year, I decided not to get any maid again since we could not find one whose domestic care service would satisfy my husband.

Mind you, I have been the one practically footing the bill after two months that my husband lost his job because we made a huge investment in acquiring some property shortly before he lost his job. So, I pay house rent, school fees, feed the whole family (we have 3 lovely children) from my salary.

My nature of work rarely gives me time so I can’t afford to take care of the children and do much of the house chores. I explained to my husband to assist since he is always at home but he keeps saying if he had not lost his job, I wouldn’t have asked him to do basic house chores.

I know he was raised with silver spoon so he rarely knows how to do most domestic work. I had been the one doing this before we started having house helps and my job at office got more engaging.

My pastor recently advised that I should consider getting a professional cleaner who will only do some routine cleaning and leave immediately because my husband may not be comfortable with a stranger in the house.

Two days ago, I came across a thread https://www.nairaland.com/5426688/what-cost-getting-regular-home here on Nairaland while searching for a good cleaning service here in Lagos and I decided to pay for the service of a male cleaner.

After discussing with my husband, he shunned the idea and still insists I do it myself. So, he asked me to demand a refund. I need someone to help me do some basic cleaning at home since I can afford to pay for the service, but my husband does not want to accept any stranger in our home.

I have asked my pastor and my mother-in-law to talk to him also but he is still keeping deaf hear.

Is there anyone with a better suggestion before I get fed up?

24kmagic:
I just feel he's kicking against strangers coming into your house because he doesn't want outsiders to find out that you're the one running the home. Because one way or the other, they will know and he'll lose his respect before the public, you know how 9ja people do reason.

As for not wanting to assist, he doesn't want to lose his dominance over you. Cos believe me once he starts helping, you'll unconsciously think that's his responsibility.

Honestly, all I see in this is a family man that is frustrated due to his inability to provide for his family. He will come around as soon as he gets a nice job.

But he's lucky to have you tho, 95 inside 100 women will not take that from their man.

They'll rub his joblessness on his face till he gets depressed, leading to suicide.

You're blessed!

Fountainofyouth:
Leave her previous comment alone and answer her valid questions, but no, you had to be a schmuck by calling her something you can't even verify on a faceless forum, pathetic.

LewsTherin:
Seeing as this thread has been well derailed by those bashing men and those bashing those bashing men, I'll modify my post.


Your husband has just lost the most important thing to any man - self worth. He is depressed, he is frustrated, he is lost. He may come out of it tomorrow, he may never recover. You can take the easy way out like many so-called feminists will say and kick his behind to the curb...

...or you can honour your vows of "for better or worse till death do us part" (I am assuming you said those words).

If you choose this route, my advice (which may not work by the way) is
1. Pray for him. Constantly. That he find his way back.
2. Keep the house going to the best of your ability. It is difficult, I know. But it is possible.
3.Talk to him like there is nothing different. Ask his opinion on anything and everything. Leas him into discussions that will make him say "if it was me, I will do such and such" or "the best option would have been to do this and that". Something that will help him begin to think again, to plan again. It may help him out of his hole.
4. Keep trying to get his mother/father, closest friend, pastor he trusts to talk to him. But do not under any circumstances involve any other people that it can be said "you went to spread my news round the world". And very definitely no one from your family.

I actually have first hand experience of this so I have an idea how he feels. God help you.

MamaFryo:
What is this one even saying biko? Is he not meant to be the bread winner of the home as the society takes it. So when the woman now starts acting as the bread winner is there not something wrong? That is not even the issue, if he were to be the one working and the wife is at home, won't he expect the wife to do the house work? Now that he is the one at home, why is he not doing the house cleaning?

bekpo:
.

What she needs is advice, not adding salt to injury! Madam, ur husband loves u and it's his duty to protect his family. He didn't marry d house help but u, so understand this with him. There r several instances house helps destroyed homes: both males and females, they can runaway with ur kids or snatch ur hubby or gives wrong information that threatened d marriage. We had several house helps while I was growing up, but none of them dresses my dads room nor cook and serve his food, no, his wife does that. None of the ever clean nor entered my dads room. I later got to understand that one attempted to poison my dad.

Madam, don't created problems when there's none. Your husband has been taking care of u and d family before he lost his job, so do same to him pending when he get a job. Don't listen to friends, b a woman, I mean an African woman.

Obviously, ur hubby doesn't want u to quit ur job, but he want u to reciprocate, show him love, that's what he want. Don't b too bossy with ur hubby because u basically foot d bills now!

This is when he needs u and do not do anything stupid by disrespecting him. Show him love and care more than before. U said he doesn't know how to do house chores because of d circumstances of his birth, u know this fact, then why mount pressure on him, he will read meanings to it-"maybe because I have loose my job, I have become house help in my house". That should stop.