₦airaland Forum

Mrsabuh1:
I have three kids already, where ll I start from , I have really endured enough , if only he can stand up to the responsibilities of his children , trust me I'm done

Mrsabuh1:
Please I seek advice from experts here as I'm lost and devastated over this issue, please bear with me as my story is a little bit long.

This is the 7th year of my marriage and the union is blessed with three kids, hubby and I stayed in UAE, but whenever I'm pregnant I come down to have my kids due to cost and also I ll be needing helping hands after delivery, it happened that when I came down to have my last child 3years ago as usual, I was preparing to return to UAE , I discovered that my Husband had canceled the resident visa for myself and our two kids, when I confronted him he said he is making plans to leave UAE and there was no point for us coming back and also business isn't moving as usual so taking care of us will cause a strain on his finances. At first I felt bad and cried about it but later I accepted my fate and moved on.

First plan was for me to apply for Canada study visa, the plan was to go with my last child and after sometimes hubby and my other kids can join me later, I got admitted into a Canadian college but when the time for visa processing hubby pulled out that we should go the express entry way, I accepted and started with registering for ielts tutorials which I did for 5 weeks, and to God b the glory I aced my exam. It was left for him to write his as he ll be standing as the primary applicant since he has lots of job experience but along the line he pulled out again and said everyone is going to Canada and he ll work out something different.

Last year he applied for US visa he was denied, he applied for Germany too, still denied. While he was doing all this I was alone in Nigeria with the kids while he stays in UAE but visits every 5 months. This year June, we had some issues that would ve resulted to divorce but we settled it with the help of some elders so he said he was going to make up for his mistake by applying for UK for both of us so we can just take a vacation to London, of course I was excited and looking up for the trip.

He applied for UK visa for both of us and lucky they granted us 6 months, I was already getting set and looking forward to the trip when he said he needed to rush down to UAE as he has some unfinished business, two days after he left I saw him updated his fb and the location was showing UK, he left without me and he didn't even inform me that he ll b going until he got there. When I confronted him he came up with the excuse that he needed to meet with some companies over investment so that way he can process resident permits for everyone at home so we all come over there at once, two days later he told me he got a job.

it's been 2 months over there already, we filed our stay for 10 days when applying for the visa and I know what he has done is messing his future chances up, now he doesn't do video call, won't pick my calls when I call at my own time, from 7pm he isn't active as no way I can reach him, before now the only time he put a call across is when he is in a bus .. I confronted him over all this and guess what,he has stopped talking to me, Wont reply my chats or even talk to me yet he reads them, our sons bday was 4 days ago and he couldn't even call to speak with him or wish him happy birthday.

I'm so confused, this is the man that I have lost lot of jobs opportunity for simply because he doesnt want me to work, I learnt fashion designing so it won't be like I'm staying at home doing nothing, I run a fashion store but trust me I'm not feeling it because its not what I'm meant to do ..

In two months time I will b 30 and you know how Nigerian systems works, the older you get, the lesser chances of getting a job I dont even know what to do with myself, please advise me what to do?

I'd also like those who ve an idea of how the system in UK works to tell me how long it takes for one to b granted residential permits in the UK so I ll know when all this will end or if it ll ever end so I can make my next move
also how possible it is for one to land UK and in two days he is already working .

I feel used, I feel like hubby used me to secure a visa and I was never in his plans..I reported the issues to our family already and he Told them all he did was for the future of myself and the kids and I shld endure but I do not know for how long..,I'm tired of this distsnce marriage ,its been 3years in distance marriage and its been hell for me.

MOD please help me post this

thorpido:
Indeed your hubby is scamming you.He's into something he's not open about.I'll hate to think he has another woman.

What you can do now is get and improve your finances.Work on the fashion design job and also look out for a permanent job.

Alexaonfleek:
even if the wife has a bad attitude,is that an awesome excuse to dump the three kids at home

Saintmary:
Madam, from your moniker and your posts, I can deduce (I stand to be corrected) that you take so much pride in being a 'Mrs'. That made you overlook some issues in your marriage and you glossed over your relationship with your parents. You have three kids, they are yours, as your husband is nowhere to be found. Your concern right now should be: improving YOUR LIFE and YOUR KIDS. You need to wake up from your bubble, technically, you are a married single mom. Start with your shop, then get back into the workforce. You need to apologize to your parents so that they can take maybe your older kids in, then keep your youngest with you. This is not the end of the world. Stop looking for your husband, he will come looking for you when he needs you (he seems like a selfish person to me). Don't waste the certificate your parents squeezed their hard earned money to pay for, use it to benefit your kids, get a job as soon as you can and once you have enough money, you can plan to move anywhere you want. Your life first, got it?

extremelygolden:
Hmmm. Please try the Canadian stuff again, for you and the children. When he hears you have immigrated, he'll try to contact you.

subtlemee:
At 30 you are too young to die of hypertension and age is still on your side ......it may not be easy but become a widow overnight , instead of wallowing in self pity look for ways to improve yourself get a job or business and step up your level your husband will come running back when he comes give him a hard knock to reset his brain before accepting him back

DeRay98:
You have only heard one of the story.
Lots of husbands have died prematurely from the stress their wives put them through which the world didn't hear about because such husbands were trying to man-up died "manning-up".
Lots of husbands are in jail or left homeless in Europe, Ca and US because their wives found out how much power the laws put in the hands of wives and those took advantage of the such and exploited it.
Let it happen to your brother and we'll see how you 'll really feel or how you 'll act against his wife.
It takes 2 to tango

extremelygolden:
Hmmm. Please try the Canadian stuff again, for you and the children. When he hears you have immigrated, he'll try to contact you.

demelza:
Nigerian women be like:

"I discovered he lied about his destination during my first pregnancy. I visited the hospital during my second pregnancy because he was beating me from frustration. He stopped me from getting job. He has another woman who knows everything about my marriage. He has always frustrated all my self-development plans. Am I being scammed? No insults"

Sensible responder:

Aunty watch war room, erect an altar and do 40 days dry fasting with midnight prayers since your destiny is tied to the marriage. Awon I must be Mrs by fire by force.



*Next thread jare*

obiekunie2:
sorry to ask ma - since you already know how to secure your own visa, why cant you arrange for your own trip - as in travel out on ur own. Is it that you cant afford the cost of traveling out on ur own?

alfa0:
Hmmmmm.
I will advice you not to run into fast conclusion yet.i will I am on the road now.
I will digest your reply and we see the way forward.
Quick questions.
1. After the introduction, was any formal wedding conducted.be it traditional or church wedding.

2.you mean his people came for the introduction in his absence and younand your people accepted.

Honestly,I can see the hand writing on the wall, like I said ,once am free ,we will address it and know the way forward.

Officialgarri:
Mrs Abu, your issue is not one that conclusions could be made hastily.
Infact many wives would have set all hell loose.
I personally would have advised that you should have retailiated by seizing his international passport, or just cause some kind of havoc that will hold him back in Nigeria .... or restrict his freedom

But while I acknowledge and appreciate your tolerance according ''to your own side of the story", it would be easier if we could hear your husband's side of the story.

I mean, there are things you could be doing that's making your hubby abhor and avoid you.

How's your attitude like around him?
Does he complain about you being stubborn?
What exactly has he tried to stop you from doing but you wouldn't listen?

ItzDonDaddy:
Nigerian musician Galey goes on Twitter to thank Beyoncé for making Grammy give burnaboy a nomination

@Beyonce THANKS FOR PUTTING � pon da �map @burnaboy FROM #ICREAMMAN TO #AFRICANGIANT

We received the Gift you sent!!!
#TheGiftAlbum

Burna worked so hard to achieve this. ❌�
#AFRICANGIANT #GRAMMYs2020

@burnaboy bring it home ����

Graxie:
You failed to do your homework well, you just wanted to be married. You forgave lying first, that Canada stuff was a big red flag, you forgave no visitation and abuse, you forgave cheating, then you got a job and gave it up because you were missing your kids. Now he has abandon you and the kids, you are a graduate, your kind of reasoning is horrible. You are suppose to know that children less than 18 will definitely be with there mom according to our law, all you needed was a good lawyer and that job you missed. He knows you are the materialistic type, no wonder he promised you UK vacation without the kids just to mess you up. Madam wake up, once beaten twice shy, marriage is for adults who are ready to take responsibilities. What you have is not marriage, you were living in fantasy. I pity your parents for the trauma they might be going through because of your foolish decisions. Everything about this guy smells of scam, yet you couldn't see it. Better be serious with your sewing business while you continue to look out for better alternative. The fault is all yours.

tabithababy:
This is exactly what happens when you put all your hope in a man

tsmith:
From your narrative it's obvious you have been used and lied to right from the inception of your relationship. I won't question why and how you didn't know or if due diligence was taken. What's important is the way forward for you and your children.

For years you have given someone else the reigns of your life, in making decisions that may not necessary have your best interest at core nor carrying you along in this process. NOW IS THE TIME TO TAKE ALL THAT CONTROL BACK.

It'd be steep and rough, especially now saddled with 3 children, but it's not impossible and you sound like a smart and switched on person anyway. Get a job, means of income and have a VISION plus a strategy on how you want to achieve this.

Pls don't go finding him or calling him, peradventure he makes a reappearance, pls allow him (just for the sake of the kids) but ONLY ON YOUR TERMS. spell it out and let him know very clearly ACTIONS lead to CONSEQUENCES
with limited CHANCES. he flukes, it's STRIKE OUT. Just as with disciplining your kids, follow through on laid out rules. He sounds flaky and will test your waters several times, pls don't let him derail the NEW YOU.

I walked similar path, hubby wasn't even half as bad. Early years of my marriage i allowed hubby reigns of affairs from the african patriarchy POV, and playing the good wife. He's messy, a bit of a no planner and last minute.com. there were tough and expensive lessons learnt and to imagine these were things i managed just well before him.

I use the illustration, you're in a car being driving erratically by a driver, you all are going no where fast. You know it's only a matter of time, the ride was destined for doom, however you're a competent driver yourself, what do you do?

1) ask driver to park
2) you get down so you can live to see another day
3) you negotiate that the only way you're getting back into the car is if you're in the driver's seat, as you're assured you can do a better job of getting you all to your destination.

The choices were clear n non negotiable, hubby had no choice but to come on board as this girl was sure fixed and adamant. Now depending on who's area of strength the task is, the better person is driving and the other reading the map, but together we're in it. This is our approach now and it works well, we're 12 years and counting. 5years was the turning point when i filed for a divorce.

Mrsabuh1:
Please I seek advice from experts here as I'm lost and devastated over this issue, please bear with me as my story is a little bit long.

This is the 7th year of my marriage and the union is blessed with three kids, hubby and I stayed in UAE, but whenever I'm pregnant I come down to have my kids due to cost and also I ll be needing helping hands after delivery, it happened that when I came down to have my last child 3years ago as usual, I was preparing to return to UAE , I discovered that my Husband had canceled the resident visa for myself and our two kids, when I confronted him he said he is making plans to leave UAE and there was no point for us coming back and also business isn't moving as usual so taking care of us will cause a strain on his finances. At first I felt bad and cried about it but later I accepted my fate and moved on.

First plan was for me to apply for Canada study visa, the plan was to go with my last child and after sometimes hubby and my other kids can join me later, I got admitted into a Canadian college but when the time for visa processing hubby pulled out that we should go the express entry way, I accepted and started with registering for ielts tutorials which I did for 5 weeks, and to God b the glory I aced my exam. It was left for him to write his as he ll be standing as the primary applicant since he has lots of job experience but along the line he pulled out again and said everyone is going to Canada and he ll work out something different.

Last year he applied for US visa he was denied, he applied for Germany too, still denied. While he was doing all this I was alone in Nigeria with the kids while he stays in UAE but visits every 5 months. This year June, we had some issues that would ve resulted to divorce but we settled it with the help of some elders so he said he was going to make up for his mistake by applying for UK for both of us so we can just take a vacation to London, of course I was excited and looking up for the trip.

He applied for UK visa for both of us and lucky they granted us 6 months, I was already getting set and looking forward to the trip when he said he needed to rush down to UAE as he has some unfinished business, two days after he left I saw him updated his fb and the location was showing UK, he left without me and he didn't even inform me that he ll b going until he got there. When I confronted him he came up with the excuse that he needed to meet with some companies over investment so that way he can process resident permits for everyone at home so we all come over there at once, two days later he told me he got a job.

it's been 2 months over there already, we filed our stay for 10 days when applying for the visa and I know what he has done is messing his future chances up, now he doesn't do video call, won't pick my calls when I call at my own time, from 7pm he isn't active as no way I can reach him, before now the only time he put a call across is when he is in a bus .. I confronted him over all this and guess what,he has stopped talking to me, Wont reply my chats or even talk to me yet he reads them, our sons bday was 4 days ago and he couldn't even call to speak with him or wish him happy birthday.

I'm so confused, this is the man that I have lost lot of jobs opportunity for simply because he doesnt want me to work, I learnt fashion designing so it won't be like I'm staying at home doing nothing, I run a fashion store but trust me I'm not feeling it because its not what I'm meant to do ..

In two months time I will b 30 and you know how Nigerian systems works, the older you get, the lesser chances of getting a job I dont even know what to do with myself, please advise me what to do?

I'd also like those who ve an idea of how the system in UK works to tell me how long it takes for one to b granted residential permits in the UK so I ll know when all this will end or if it ll ever end so I can make my next move
also how possible it is for one to land UK and in two days he is already working .

I feel used, I feel like hubby used me to secure a visa and I was never in his plans..I reported the issues to our family already and he Told them all he did was for the future of myself and the kids and I shld endure but I do not know for how long..,I'm tired of this distsnce marriage ,its been 3years in distance marriage and its been hell for me.

MOD please help me post this