Not worth it to me!

IceColdVeins:
"How could we not talk about family, when family's all that we got?"
Charlie Otto Puth (2015)
CC: KanuSE thanks bro

This write up was inspired by a random thread https://www.nairaland.com/5396187/children-deadbeat-fathers-time-think/4#82028618 that was created about a couple of months ago. Its was based on the effects of parents exhibiting apathetic attitudes towards their wards. Lugubriously, I was a victim of that on the father's part. I had lots of rifts with my dad owing to constant loggerheads and maltreatments that I could percieve my mother received from him(I was only acting on my mother's emotions). I suffered a lot due to paternal negligence........If I start penning down my chronicles, it would be easier stopping a herd of stampeding wildebeestes on the Serengeti than making me stop typing.

Without further Ado, I saw the thread and I decided to make my own opinions known as attached below, then a guy quoted me and that changed everything. I started seeing things in the other perspective and I decided to initiate a communication with my dad that I had gone incommunicado on for over six years (200 level in the unversity). Good heavens, it felt like dreams came through when he replied(photos attached). Now I'd be going home this December for the christmas break, I'm thinking of buying him a very fine wine and an exquisite wristwatch, which his colleagues would ask about it and he would reply ''My son got it''.

Finally, I can say I had gone through thick-thin of life and still moving. I'm an independent 26 years old bloke now and I was able to get here with the help of the very limited finances from my mother, while my father kept buying cars and building houses. I'd implore fellow nairalanders with similar backgrounds with mine to take a clue from this thread and let the old things pass away. Forgive your parents and move on.

"Children begin by loving their parents, as they grow older they judge them, sometimes they forgive them"
Oscar Wilde

Regards.
Mynd44 lalasticlala

Children obey your parents so that your days will be long...

Father do not provoke your children to anger...


Says the Holy Bible.

Rubbish just because you wa t to travel to village for Christmas to go see your papa we no go hear word again. Na wetin you for do for sey you carry am enter plane travel go Pakistan go do shopping? You go close down nairaland be dat. I ate people showing off

chriskosherbal:
Easier Said than done, op first of all I want to use this medium to say you are a man, for trying to make peace with your Dad, there is a particular blessing that biological father's carry that NO man on earth no matter how highly placed in any field can give to you..Am quoting you because you are still trying to condemn and Judge his Dad, the OP said we never listened to his own side of the story cos men just know how to suck in emotions.

Being the last male in the family I stayed with family for a longtime before I left, and I must say mother's are wonderful but can choke a man to death sometimes if that man lack emotional shockabsolver when things start to fall apart especially finance, Seeing my mum cry complaining to me sometimes you will think Dad is just heartless until I grew to understand that mum most times just want things to go her way always forgetting Dad feelings, and the fact he still the head of the home, irrespective of finance and mum sometimes couldn't just be submissive.

You see when you grow older in life you will definitely love your mum but tend to appreciate your Dad's effort so far in trying to raise a family ( we were 8 in number, even though we lost 2), providing for everyone's need, food, academics, name it, and coping with mums constant nagging sometimes can be really frustrating and unbearable, you will see it practically clear when you start to have kids..

It takes God and a man that is determine to keep his family together irrespective of trials/temptation to still keep going, sincerely I love my mum no doubt but my RESPECT for my Dad have skyrocked when I came face to face with real life ...I love you DAD.

yes!!!! I love this comment.....the day I lost my dad was the day I knew what it takes to be in control of a company, battle backbiters and ungrateful souls and the head of a family.many people commenting here don't know life itself is a mystery that we cannot comprehend.

chriskosherbal:
Easier Said than done, op first of all I want to use this medium to say you are a man, for trying to make peace with your Dad, there is a particular blessing that biological father's carry that NO man on earth no matter how highly placed in any field can give to you..Am quoting you because you are still trying to condemn and Judge his Dad, the OP said we never listened to his own side of the story cos men just know how to suck in emotions.

Being the last male in the family I stayed with family for a longtime before I left, and I must say mother's are wonderful but can choke a man to death sometimes if that man lack emotional shockabsolver when things start to fall apart especially finance, Seeing my mum cry complaining to me sometimes you will think Dad is just heartless until I grew to understand that mum most times just want things to go her way always forgetting Dad feelings, and the fact he still the head of the home, irrespective of finance and mum sometimes couldn't just be submissive.

You see when you grow older in life you will definitely love your mum but tend to appreciate your Dad's effort so far in trying to raise a family ( we were 8 in number, even though we lost 2), providing for everyone's need, food, academics, name it, and coping with mums constant nagging sometimes can be really frustrating and unbearable, you will see it practically clear when you start to have kids..

It takes God and a man that is determine to keep his family together irrespective of trials/temptation to still keep going, sincerely I love my mum no doubt but my RESPECT for my Dad have skyrocked when I came face to face with real life ...I love you DAD.

I feel your points.
The scenario you described happens more than often. I had to be very logical too while young or I would have resented my dad. I opened my eyes,saw things from his perspectives and knew that man would sell his soul to make his children prosper. He proved it to us all. Financial downturns sometimes make women very unruly at home and I understood that too. They are still together and waxing strong and I have learnt a valuable lesson.

Leave Bratislava alone. Dude or chick is running on emotional fumes and I totally get that.

How is it contradictory?

You can forgive, let yourself heal and still not have a relationship. The forgiveness is not for them, it is for yourself.

Afamed:

Your quote is contradicting, how can you claim to have forgiven your parents but they still don't deserve any relationship with you?

Afamed:

Your quote is contradicting, how can you claim to have forgiven your parents but they still don't deserve any relationship with you?

is it ur parents??!! .. Must u have a relationship with the deadbeat father...forgiving him and having a relationship are 2 different things.. I believe u are educated na

Sterope:
How is it contradictory?

You can forgive, let yourself heal and still not have a relationship. The forgiveness is not for them, it is for yourself.

I just tire... Some will just quote without thinking

Miarose:
So OP contacted his dad and apologized as seen from the chat. Well, maybe he wasn't abandoned.. maybe OP did the abandoning.
Also, he said he is 26 and haven't spoken to the dad in 6 yrs, since his 200 level. So the dad was in his life up until he was 20 yrs.
I guess it's a Tiff between him and his dad. Not as deep as abandonment as an infant. Not a deadbeat dad if he was there till ur 20s.

You're probably one of the only ones here who actually has working neurons in the brain. I've been following this since yesterday and wondering why people were antagonizing the OP.

Miarose:
So OP contacted his dad and apologized as seen from the chat. Well, maybe he wasn't abandoned.. maybe OP did the abandoning.
Also, he said he is 26 and haven't spoken to the dad in 6 yrs, since his 200 level. So the dad was in his life up until he was 20 yrs.
I guess it's a Tiff between him and his dad. Not as deep as abandonment as an infant. Not a deadbeat dad if he was there till ur 20s.

Another angle which would fit into my scenario 1.

crackhaus:

You're probably one of the only ones here who actually has working neurons in the brain. I've been following this since yesterday and wondering why people were antagonizing the OP.

Now you see why I most times ignore some comments? Most People here are incapable of well grounded logic. Is it frustration,bile,anger or some emotional bullcrap that drive their thoughts,I dont know. But they just can't reason without clouding their judgement with emotions.

You and the Mia bloke can see well. I'm glad people like us are not extinct on NL.

Loool, so the moral is never ever train your child alone as a woman, las las the they would say they didn't listen to their father's point of view for abandoning them at some point in their lives.





A father has no excuse for abandoning his children (even if its just for a few years) irrespective of his issues with their mum.


Op you can reconcile with your dad, but dont EVER try to water down the sufferings of your mum.


From the comments this thread going the lane of another operation blame the woman thread.

Inasmuch this could be true. It doesn't remove from the fact that some parents are cruel to their partners and their children. What on earth could his mum have done to have made his father absent from his life, both financially and emotionally? What stopped him from reaching out when he was in the University?

You were eight in number. Have you wondered if your dad is one of those men that pressured their wives into shunning family planning? Perhaps, when your dad had money, he behaved badly. Have you asked your mum that question? However, I don't agree with her making the house a living hell in your presence but have you asked her why she acted the way she did?

chriskosherbal:
Easier Said than done, op first of all I want to use this medium to say you are a man, for trying to make peace with your Dad, there is a particular blessing that biological father's carry that NO man on earth no matter how highly placed in any field can give to you..Am quoting you because you are still trying to condemn and Judge his Dad, the OP said we never listened to his own side of the story cos men just know how to suck in emotions.

Being the last male in the family I stayed with family for a longtime before I left, and I must say mother's are wonderful but can choke a man to death sometimes if that man lack emotional shockabsolver when things start to fall apart especially finance, Seeing my mum cry complaining to me sometimes you will think Dad is just heartless until I grew to understand that mum most times just want things to go her way always forgetting Dad feelings, and the fact he still the head of the home, irrespective of finance and mum sometimes couldn't just be submissive.

You see when you grow older in life you will definitely love your mum but tend to appreciate your Dad's effort so far in trying to raise a family ( we were 8 in number, even though we lost 2), providing for everyone's need, food, academics, name it, and coping with mums constant nagging sometimes can be really frustrating and unbearable, you will see it practically clear when you start to have kids..

It takes God and a man that is determine to keep his family together irrespective of trials/temptation to still keep going, sincerely I love my mum no doubt but my RESPECT for my Dad have skyrocked when I came face to face with real life ...I love you DAD.

Romanoff:
Some parents will provoke their kids and will still expect an apology from them.

Meanwhile, your dad types like a teenager. Lol. See abbreviations.

That's why it's called an sms.

Glad you made up with your dad. No matter what, the are the beginning of you.
One thing you will note later, as you begin to grow old, you discover that you are beginning to become them( you act, think and may even look like your dad)
Looking at myself today, i am startled how so much i resembled my father. In action, thought pattern, looks and even poise.
My son has even started surprising me too

BRATISLAVA:


So now that you heard his side it has justified the cruel treatment to your mother that you said made her to suffer? What do your unborn children have to do with his unkindness to your mother?. Problem is that many men do evil to their wives not knowing that the people who will never forgive them are the children. The way your unborn children will have nothing to do with this is if you treat your future wife well. I have no pity for men who do evil and get abandoned by their kids. This is why abuse in any form is foolishness, because it is the children who will suffer it not even the spouse you want to hurt. His side means nothing. The oppressors do not need sympathy except from fellow oppressors. And yes, it will be taken as a pat on the back. Loyal or disloyal, nobody deserves to be abused . Just divorce. Don't torture yourself and kids.

I think it’s about being the bigger person than endorsing his bad behavior. We can’t continue to hold a grudge forever. Let’s hope the dad learns and retraces his steps by the sons act.

Do you know that most women also voice this concern when you ask them to leave abusive men/toxic relationship?

They will tell you they cannot train their child alone only for their father to enjoy the benefits. The reason doesn't hold water where lives and emotional well-being are at stake but still taking care of child is not an easy task even for two people.

NoToPile:
Loool, so the moral is never ever train your child alone as a woman, las las the they would say they didn't listen to their father's point of view for abandoning them at some point in their lives.





A father has no excuse for abandoning his children even if he hs issues with their mum.


Op you can reconcile with your dad, but dont EVER try to water down the sufferings of your mum.


From the comments this thread going the lane of another operation blame the woman thread.

bukatyne:


Another angle which would fit into my scenario 1.

It's not ANOTHER angle Buka, it is the ONLY angle.
The OP made it clear that this was a reconciliation after 6yrs.

If he's 26 now, he was 20 when he made the decision on his own to stop talking to his father - this probably has nothing to do with the mum.

Too many nairalanders make comments based off an idea gotten from comments of other users instead of just reading posts from the person sharing his story to form their own thoughts.

TheArchangel:

This guy was single handedly raised by his mother while his father was wallowing in wealth. Now he is demonising his mother for the neglect he suffered from his father. I don't get it.

Most Nigerian women will most certainly prefer to cry in Benz than to wallow in poverty but your mother choose the safe option for her sanity and kid's sake. If you want to make peace with your father, kindly go ahead but do not belittle the sufferings of your mother to appease your conscience.


Imagine after the marital abandonment, I risked being demonised by the kids I suffered for

I hate abortion but this thread is making me to lean towards pro-choice.
Ladies beware . If you have had the babies already, start keeping tabs, school fees receipts, messages sent to him for assistances, your child's memorable moments on videos, the time he was contacted for his helps and the excuses he gave. Whether justifiable or not, put it down somewhere.
Keep a ledger of the financial helps you received from him.
Let your evidence fight for you before they use your sufferings to demonize you .

This part in bold

BRATISLAVA:
When will he apologize to your mum? Or have you forgotten that part? You've forgotten why you didn't care about him? Another bro code moment. Maybe you've found yourself maltreating women, too, so now it's okay.

You have no idea how Nigerian fathers are stuck stubbornly in the belief that giving life to a child is the highest achievement ever... The negligence of this generation of fathers is incredulous.

Our generation has got to do much better.

prizlezzlalasky:


Every one is entitled to their opinion,

That being said, we can't judge the father cause we ve not heard his side of the story......... Marriage is a misterious institution hence we should just concern ourselves with how the offsprings from the union will experience the love of a father and also unite their parents again.

We can agree that some broken relationships are irreconcilable.

Graxie:
This is why I hate single motherhood, I can never raise up kids by myself alone except due to widowhood. God will not even allow me to be one. Every single mother should read this thread and wake up, you will raise this kids alone and they will go in search of their father. Some will even claim you manipulated them. Wake up and seek for child support from sperm donor, even if it means going public. Don't waste your life for nothing. Better still, go and drop those kids for your sperm donor family. Be wise.

Too much bitterness in one post.
Why

My dear, there is nothing that can't be repaired, no matter the length of damage. Just defeat your mindset first. Remember, no one owes you.

kallmemrB:
That's nice.... Some parents don't deserve any relationship with them.. Just forgive and move on


Even deadbeat fathers have levels ... Some are just total deadbeat that won't have an iota of care for the children left behind.... The Op is healing for himself not his family or mother... Am sure there will still be some resentment... Just 6yrs ain't much.. Imagine if he's gone for 20-30yrs.pls what relationship is there to build. There's no way he will fit into ur life

Nice one op.
Y'all who aren't happy with what he did can go hug transformer.

A friend of mine always scream on his timeline that "separation of two people isn't caused by whatever happened, but by unforgivingness..."

bukatyne:


Another angle which would fit into my scenario 1.

Thank God you realized fast not to be Moms boy only because those Mom's...…. ehnn. The Bible describes them as the weaker vessel. May you be a good father in Jesus name, amen.

Forgive if you want to forgive, but never blame your mom. Women usually know the inside scoop of the happenings in the family. For long, my mom lied to us that our father was providing for us. When we grew older, we found out on our own, that he lives like a bachelor. Doesn't give a damn about us. If I tell you how that still affects how I see men, you won't believe.
Like someone here said, many men misbehave and abandon their kids, cos they know that in a few years those kids will come looking for them.
Not me.

You are dead wrong. The young man wants to fix what would become a generational problem and all you see is this. I think you need to fix yourself. You need healing before you can advise someone.

dominique:
Deadbeat dads will be dancing with joy on seeing this thread. Now they can continue being irresponsible because the kids they never cared for will grow up one day and reward them with gifts.

Your dad abandoned your mum to singlehandedly raise you but somehow it's your mum's fault and his irresponsible act is justified. If I were your mum, I'll curse you and disown you for life. The moment you go and build a relationship with a man that never cared about your existence while you were growing, you become dead to me.

kallmemrB:
is it ur parents??!! .. Must u have a relationship with the deadbeat father...forgiving him and having a relationship are 2 different things.. I believe u are educated na

May God grant him long live. When he has his last breath, the message of having a good relationship with one parent will be clearer to you

Miarose:
So OP contacted his dad and apologized as seen from the chat. Well, maybe he wasn't abandoned.. maybe OP did the abandoning.
Also, he said he is 26 and haven't spoken to the dad in 6 yrs, since his 200 level. So the dad was in his life up until he was 20 yrs.
I guess it's a Tiff between him and his dad. Not as deep as abandonment as an infant. Not a deadbeat dad if he was there till ur 20s.

Madam please keep quiet
Thanks
I can see that some blockheads are already praising you because they want to insult women and write rubbish about them

Read op's post well,
1. he said he suffered a lot due to. paternal negligence and abandonment, let me quote him, ("the effects of parents exhibiting apathetic attitudes towards their wards. Lugubriously, I was a victim of that on the father's part" .)

2. He said he is a graduate at 26 because his mom raised him with limited finances while his dad was building houses up and down.

3. He said he finally decided to go incommunicado with his dad at 200 level because of the issues he had been having with his dad and how he maltreated his mother

4. The dad had always been deadbeat even before the guy stopped communicating, and the dad was a bad husband to the mother as op himself stated. It's not simply an issue between father and child.

Single motherhood is not a reason to drag your children into the mental turmoil you suffer because your once true love and father of your children turned into something else. Many mothers do this and it is unfair on the children.

There is nothing wrong in single motherhood if it is the best option for the wife and in extension, her children. A mother/parent should always seek the best for herself and her children no matter what might happen in future between the children and the father.

Graxie:
This is why I hate single motherhood, I can never raise up kids by myself alone except due to widowhood. God will not even allow me to be one. Every single mother should read this thread and wake up, you will raise this kids alone and they will go in search of their father. Some will even claim you manipulated them. Wake up and seek for child support from sperm donor, even if it means going public. Don't waste your life for nothing. Better still, go and drop those kids for your sperm donor family. Be wise.