@cityqueengirl:

A lady living alone has myth and stereotype attached to it.

This is reinforced or dismissed depending on the circle you roll with.

If you are surrounded by traditionally minded men, they will reinforce the stereotype same with owning a ride as a single lady.

Now I think about it, a lot of my colleagues lived with parents /relatives until they got married.

I lived alone however, I was with my husband. Even then, his colleague tried to dissuade him inciting how single working class ladies are bla bla bla. Not surprisingly, he was sleeping around hence projecting on me.

As a lady living alone, you also need to conduct yourself properly so you don't pass negative signals to your neighbors and love interests.

That you live alone is not a license to invite every Tom, Dick and Harry to your house. Infact, you should not be inviting men to your house alone.

Be friendly however firm and principled in the neighborhood.

As regards your current boyfriend, he is insecure digging up your previous posts and chasing shadows. It is worthy to note he started in the middle of the relationship.

Interestingly, you are not content with what your guy can give you and interested in public appearances.

Your guy said he couldn't not afford to take you out because he had not been paid. You did not tell him to prepare to celebrate a belated birthday: you sent money to his account so he can take you out. If you wanted to celebrate so bad, you should have bought ingridents and made a fantastic meal at home and tell him he is owing you an outing if you are inclined.

Another reason why he might be digging might be that he thinks you are settling for him(a guy with not much because your are getting older) and played the field in your younger days.

If he is no longer interested in you, don't force it. Learn your lessons and move on.

bukatyne:


So sad

as people we trapped each other out so called love or being a man

i will focus on an abusive scenario and pride one

1 A man will claim to look after you, who doesnt want to be looked after but there is a danger, whoever supplies your needs and wants can control you aka being abusive. So the greedynes of seating and not working can be used against

2 The title of being a man can also burn you, you married her and promised that you take care of everything and the money she works is hers. Then down the line misfortunes pop in you salary nolonger sustain the family, will you swallow your pride and ask wife to also put the money on the family table!!, the money you once said she can keep it and do whatever she wants with it ?

So some men feel powerless if a woman is able to cater for her own needs and wants.

JasonScoolari:
My ex has done worse..... Or should I say I was "slut shamed" by my ex when things where not going smoothly.... Don't bring gender into this.


The truth is, we have no business with you transferring money to his account. He has trust issues, that's the bone of contention here not transferring of funds.

Hmmmmm... I hope you'll take the same stand when some boys come here to say they paid their babe's school fees and her rent blah blah blahhhh

Besides, she is free to say what she wants, it's her story you know. You pick your facts, advise her and move on.

Gaggi:
Most men are insecure and it doesn't help that most girls ain't faithful either. In the university, we knew how easy it was to lay our female neighbours who lived alone. Let me borrow sugar or let's watch a movie and one thing leads to another even when she has a boyfriend.

Even though I consider myself liberal and didn't bother myself much about what a girlfriend might be up to, sometimes thoughts always crop up about what she's actually doing. It's easier for a girl leaving alone to 'escort' a friend to a club or to go see a movie etc.

I will advice you to be a bit patient. Most men will always have their doubts. If it becomes such an issue, find another man.

I get your point... but then, it's not fair to judge working women who live alone by what bored students do in school.
Plus, where the time dey? Sha iz when somebody has been in traffic from 6pm till 10pm that she'll have the energy ni loooool

Cut working women some slack abeg. It's not easy

You're dating the wrong men, my ex is 25 years old, works in a bank and leaves alone, she also makes her own money ''Alot of fucking money''
More than I do.
We dated for 2 years and would have gotten married if not for our blood group.
Anyway, I feel you have yet to meet confident men who don't give a rat's ass about your money or class, men who just loves you without the jealous drama.

Cityqueengirl:
I never knew I would have to post anything personal on nairaland but I deeply feel like sharing this.
I am a graduate in my late 20s. And I got employed in 2017. In 2018 I told my dad my intention to move out and be staying alone so that I would be a bit free. This is because all through my undergraduate years, I went to school from home and couldn't really have male friends around.

My mum was totally against it, but dad was indifferent . Her opinion was that men would play me and not get serious with me.

In July 2018, I moved to my own apartment. Now the problems is, men I meet are either after something else or just want to be eating my food or collecting money from me. The ones that are a sane: have trust issues.

I don't know if men think when a lady is living alone she's not to be trusted or she's a cheat.

You are the architect of your own problem. Beside, I am very sure you aren't saying the complete truth.

All my life I had only get to keep a single man at a time unlike most of other ladies around me. I am starting to believe the adage "don't keep all your eggs in one basket". I am thinking putting all my thoughts and hope in a single man while trying to settle down is a mistake.

Your business Ma

Mineisgrace:
We live and we learn.. Never give a man your money. Even if they pretend to be dying.

I hope you didn't borrow him a huge sum of money before he started to dig up your Facebook? That's part of the gimmicks they use when they are trying to run away with your money. They will bring up all kinds accusation. They can even say your grandmother was a woman and so they are no longer interested

You must be very greedy, the kind of girl I hate with a passion, you can't be eating my money and won't expect me to eat yours. besides this is why I like white girls they are just too simple.

kunleweb:



Immediately. Too many immature brothas for our generation o

Have you heard from the brother? Believe these ladies at your own peril.

MRcocaFanta:
No you are wrong.

It's only weak men that are afraid of an independent women.

A strong and a real man appreciates independent woman more, because the independent woman suits his personality and status.

A strong man needs a woman that can a strong back bone to him.

As for the op and her boyfriend, while i feel the boyfriend is insecure, however i feel the op is playing the "pity card, there is something she is hiding which is glaring to the eyes and this was why i suggested they talk to a therapist.

Unfortunately most NIGERIANS do not know the benefits of a therapy.

The emboldened is pure nonsense (with due respect sir)!

A strong man is the man that lives to his conviction. He is not conditioned to accept things because he needs validation of people to be called a strong and real man.

As for the OP, I believe that she is economical with the truth. There is something that is missing in her story.

She can't expect her bf to trust her blankly without earning it. I suspect that he must have seen some conversation on her chats; and this promoted him to further investigate her. I also think that her action and "friendship" with other guys fuelled his action more.

I don't care what people think but I don't see what the man does as evidence of being insecure! In fact, any action taken by any man to safeguard his mental and emotional wellbeing is welcomed as long as it doesn't infringe on the right of the other party. It is left for the woman to clear his doubt (if indeed she has nothing to hide) or ship offfffffff!

Finally, no REAL man would allow himself to be blackmailed with "Insecure" tag

Do not cast your pearls before swine.

JasonScoolari:
Dear Cityqueengirl,

What has the transfer got to do with this now?

Is it your stylish way of deflating his ego?

I know how you feel about the trust issues you've with him, but get yourself together and resolve the issue, make him understand that there's nothing to be suspicious about.

Men post about how they spend on their girlfriends all the time, do they do this to deflate the girl's ego? If it's ok for a man to write an how much he spends or has spent on a woman, why is it now a shameful thing for a woman to do the same?

@cityqueengirl
Check if he has hacked your WhatsApp.
A lot of people here give advice for hacking it,so they receive and can read every information you also receive on your phone.

Serious invasion of privacy.

Date men that has their own houses and money. Doesn't make you a gold digger. There are single men out their interested in serious relationships. Just that you pipo want dangotes son

Cityqueengirl:
I never knew I would have to post anything personal on nairaland but I deeply feel like sharing this.
I am a graduate in my late 20s. And I got employed in 2017. In 2018 I told my dad my intention to move out and be staying alone so that I would be a bit free. This is because all through my undergraduate years, I went to school from home and couldn't really have male friends around.

My mum was totally against it, but dad was indifferent . Her opinion was that men would play me and not get serious with me.

In July 2018, I moved to my own apartment. Now the problems is, men I meet are either after something else or just want to be eating my food or collecting money from me. The ones that are a sane: have trust issues.

I don't know if men think when a lady is living alone she's not to be trusted or she's a cheat.

In November 2019, late last year, I started dating this guy. And everything seems normal, till he starts snooping around my phone. Atimes he will visit my place without calling, but I will wave it off. I think of it as him just trying to surprise me.

But on the 15th of January this year, he wrote me a very long message on whatsapp telling me how I have been disloyal and dishonest deleting text messages. What sort of nonsense is that? Is it possible for him to see a deleted text message?
I was never even receiving text messages from admirers except on my birthday. Which he didn't even give me anything. I was even the one who transferred money to him to take us out because he had not been paid and was short on cash. He said he couldn't go out since he was short on cash that we should stay at home, but I said it was my birthday and really felt like eating out.
I feel there is nothing bad in helping him out when he is in need and this is how he is paying me back; accusing me falsely, painting me bad when I have not done anything wrong.

He went and hacked my Facebook and was sending me chat history of 2016 and 2017 that had no business with his life. Digging my privacy and lunching accusations as if I had met him in 2017 and 2018.

All my life I had only get to keep a single man at a time unlike most of other ladies around me. I am starting to believe the adage "don't keep all your eggs in one basket". I am thinking putting all my thoughts and hope in a single man while trying to settle down is a mistake.

I'm sorry dear...you are meeting the wrong kind of men.

This particular guy is toxic and will not give you a good home when you're married. It is best you do the needful now.

The kinda energy you emanate is what's attracting those kind of guys. What you need do now is focus on being the best version of your self...financially, spiritually, intellectually and don't forget to have fun and be happy.

God will grant you your heart desires soonest. Amen

JasonScoolari:
Dear Cityqueengirl,

What has the transfer got to do with this now?

Is it your stylish way of deflating his ego?

I know how you feel about the trust issues you've with him, but get yourself together and resolve the issue, make him understand that there's nothing to be suspicious about.

the dude is feeling insecure, why dig up old post just to spite her also and that cannot give his gf a gift on her birthday even after post birthday is that one a bf....

Cityqueengirl:
I never knew I would have to post anything personal on nairaland but I deeply feel like sharing this.
I am a graduate in my late 20s. And I got employed in 2017. In 2018 I told my dad my intention to move out and be staying alone so that I would be a bit free. This is because all through my undergraduate years, I went to school from home and couldn't really have male friends around.

My mum was totally against it, but dad was indifferent . Her opinion was that men would play me and not get serious with me.

In July 2018, I moved to my own apartment. Now the problems is, men I meet are either after something else or just want to be eating my food or collecting money from me. The ones that are a sane: have trust issues.

I don't know if men think when a lady is living alone she's not to be trusted or she's a cheat.

In November 2019, late last year, I started dating this guy. And everything seems normal, till he starts snooping around my phone. Atimes he will visit my place without calling, but I will wave it off. I think of it as him just trying to surprise me.

But on the 15th of January this year, he wrote me a very long message on whatsapp telling me how I have been disloyal and dishonest deleting text messages. What sort of nonsense is that? Is it possible for him to see a deleted text message?
I was never even receiving text messages from admirers except on my birthday. Which he didn't even give me anything. I was even the one who transferred money to him to take us out because he had not been paid and was short on cash. He said he couldn't go out since he was short on cash that we should stay at home, but I said it was my birthday and really felt like eating out.
I feel there is nothing bad in helping him out when he is in need and this is how he is paying me back; accusing me falsely, painting me bad when I have not done anything wrong.

He went and hacked my Facebook and was sending me chat history of 2016 and 2017 that had no business with his life. Digging my privacy and lunching accusations as if I had met him in 2017 and 2018.

All my life I had only get to keep a single man at a time unlike most of other ladies around me. I am starting to believe the adage "don't keep all your eggs in one basket". I am thinking putting all my thoughts and hope in a single man while trying to settle down is a mistake.

Run from that guy, build yourself and the right man will come.

Quelme:
grammatical pedantry syndrome!

So just one correction of grammatical error translates to 'grammatical pedantry syndrome'?
It is not everything your lecturer just taught you in school that you must use for every situation!

Mobree:


I get your point... but then, it's not fair to judge working women who live alone by what bored students do in school.
Plus, where the time dey? Sha iz when somebody has been in traffic from 6pm till 10pm that she'll have the energy ni loooool

Cut working women some slack abeg. It's not easy

I'm not judging or anything. I'm just saying some memories do stick. Most men will feel more at ease knowing a lady is in her fathers house at 12am rather than being in a man's house or in a club. Personally, I hardly let such things bother me. People will always find a way to misbehave if they want to.

Gaggi:

I'm not judging or anything. I'm just saying some memories do stick. Most men will feel more at ease knowing a lady is in her fathers house at 12am rather than being in a man's house or in a club. Personally, I hardly let such things bother me. People will always find a way to misbehave if they want to.

Now that is the point!

Mobree:


Hmmmmm... I hope you'll take the same stand when some boys come here to say they paid their babe's school fees and her rent blah blah blahhhh

Besides, she is free to say what she wants, it's her story you know. You pick your facts, advise her and move on.

For where, let this be the story of a guy saying he spent 1naira on a girl and watch how the entire nairalanders will descend on all ladies laying curses and recounting their ordeals.
This is how our society works, anything to silence women.

Nigerians have grills on their doors and windows because they feel insecure without these contrapments. Car trackers are a necessity when buying a car because car owners feel insecure with the spate of car thefts going on.

Insecurity is a natural response to an anomaly in the environment. If her boyfriend feels insecure, perhaps, she may have greatly contributed to that mindset. What kinds of calls does she receive from men? How frequent are these calls? Is another man popping up too frequently in their conversations? These are factors that can lead to feelings of insecurity.

Your mum advised you with the wisdom of elders but you didn't listen.... 70% of what you are facing now is because you are living alone...this is just the beginning. Is when you now want to get married you will know how far

ZIMDRILL:


as people we trapped each other out so called love or being a man

i will focus on an abusive scenario and pride one

1 A man will claim to look after you, who doesnt want to be looked after but there is a danger, whoever supplies your needs and wants can control you aka being abusive. So the greedynes of seating and not working can be used against

2 The title of being a man can also burn you, you married her and promised that you take care of everything and the money she works is hers. Then down the line misfortunes pop in you salary nolonger sustain the family, will you swallow your pride and ask wife to also put the money on the family table!!, the money you once said she can keep it and do whatever she wants with it ?

So some men feel powerless if a woman is able to cater for her own needs and wants.

Which is why a lady needs to know herself and understand the man she is with.

kunleweb:



Oops. Where would you rada stop over,Blenco, Shop rite, Hot Bread Or all the way to Eleko

Oga na for person thread u dey play love??

I tire for your mata o

TonyeBarcanista:

The emboldened is pure nonsense (with due respect sir)!

A strong man is the man that lives to his conviction. He is not conditioned to accept things because he needs validation of people to be called a strong and real man.

As for the OP, I believe that she is economical with the truth. There is something that is missing in her story.

She can't expect her bf to trust her blankly without earning it. I suspect that he must have seen some conversation on her chats; and this promoted him to further investigate her. I also think that her action and "friendship" with other guys fuelled his action more.

I don't care what people think but I don't see what the man does as evidence of being insecure! In fact, any action taken by any man to safeguard his mental and emotional wellbeing is welcomed as long as it doesn't infringe on the right of the other party. It is left for the woman to clear his doubt (if indeed she has nothing to hide) or ship offfffffff!

Finally, no REAL man would allow himself to be blackmailed with "Insecure" tag

You are right and we are saying the same thing.

I am not saying a strong man needs validation from people to prove that he is a real man.

What I'm saying is that in relationships and when it comes to Marriage, A real and a strong man prefers an equally strong and independent woman, not because he needs validation, but because he wants to be sure that he has got a backbone.

Now for example, you see the reality of today where the rich Marries the rich is different from the fantasy of movies where the rich Marries the poor.

Now for example again, is if not better for you 'Toyin, to marry a strong, independent and loyal woman that won't love you because of your money, than to marry a weak not so exposed lady that her decisions in being with you is 50% influenced by money.

This was exactly what i meant.

MRcocaFanta:
You are right and we are saying the same thing.

I am not saying a strong man needs validation from people to prove that he is a real man.

What I'm saying is that in relationships and when it comes to Marriage, A real and a strong man prefers an equally strong and independent woman, not because he needs validation, but because he wants to be sure that he has got a backbone.

This is what I still believe is mere rhetorical. A real and strong man is one that lives according to his conviction. He may prefer independent or dependent woman, that is strictly his prerogative. The society or anyone else cannot define attributes of real man as it is subjective. Every man that is real to himself is a real man irrespective of what the society thinks

Now for example, you see the reality of today where the rich Marries the rich is different from the fantasy of movies where the rich Marries the poor.

Now for example again, is if not better for you 'Toyin, to marry a strong, independent and loyal woman that won't love you because of your money, than to marry a weak not so exposed lady that her decisions in being with you is 50% influenced by money.

This was exactly what i meant.

My brother, classism has always been with humans since time immemorial, it will not change. However, not everyone is aligned to classism- I for instance, I am not a fan of it!

Whether a woman is independent or not it doesn't define her loyalty. Loyal people are loyal irrespective of their financial power, likewise disloyal people. This Real man thing is a ploy by the society to blackmail and cajole men into living by society standard irrespective of their conviction

TonyeBarcanista:

This is what I still believe is mere rhetorical. A real and strong man is one that lives according to his conviction. He may prefer independent or dependent woman, that is strictly his prerogative. The society or anyone else cannot define attributes of real man as it is subjective. Every man that is real to himself is a real man irrespective of what the society thinks


My brother, classism has always been with humans since time immemorial, it will not change. However, not everyone is aligned to classism- I for instance, I am not a fan of it!

Whether a woman is independent or not it doesn't define her loyalty. Loyal people are loyal irrespective of their financial power, likewise disloyal people. This Real man thing is a ploy by the society to blackmail and cajole men into living by society standard irrespective of their conviction

True you are right.

But you know we live in a world where money can be used to destroy relationships.

Now my point is that they say everyone has a price, irrespective of loyalty or not .

Do you think, it's easy for a loyal Beyonce to JayZ to be talked out of his relationship with JayZ because a richer man comes along?

It's almost impossible. But very much possible for a chioma to be financially talked out of her own relationship with Davido when a richer man comes along.

Knowingly fully well that both Beyonce and chioma are loyal but the difference is that Beyonce has her own money and independent but chioma is not.

You ladies who give guys money, where are your location(s)?

Do have an annual meeting where yall wear the same Aso-ebi? Perhaps you have same interests, hobbies? I just need psychographics that's all.

If you gave him that money anonymously, would he still have taken you out for birthday dinner? No!

A man who doesn't contribute to your wellbeing or upkeep but has time to geek up, hack and unravel facebook posts from 2017.

Well, 14th is around the corner, I am guessing he still has not been paid and you'll surely want to eat out that day. It's best to start saving the money you'll send him to implement that.

MRcocaFanta:
True you are right.

But you know we live in a world where money can be used to destroy relationships.

The personality, character and attitude of the individuals to money defines whether the relationship can be destroyed by money when it warrants.

Now my point is that they say everyone has a price, irrespective of loyalty or not .

That narrative is flawed! It is not everyone that has price tag. Money is good but never the ultimate. It can give you the ability of living "good life" (note the quotation marks) but can never guarantee satisfaction nor buy loyalty.

Do you think, it's easy for a loyal Beyonce to JayZ to be talked out of his relationship with JayZ because a richer man comes along?

I don't know Beyonce or Jay Z beyond what they put up in the media. Beyonce will likely sway for another richer man if her motivation for relationship with Jay Z is anchored on "money" and material things irrespective of her financial power.

It's almost impossible. But very much possible for a chioma to be financially talked out of her own relationship with Davido when a richer man comes along.

This is assumptive! You don't know Chioma nor her motivation for her relationship with Davido. Only she knows herself! But if it isn't anchored on money and material things, then it will be impossible to sway her using money as tool!

Knowingly fully well that both Beyonce and chioma are loyal but the difference is that Beyonce has her own money and independent but chioma is not.

Forget about this narrative. People are loyal because they are loyal not because they are rich or poor. Every individual knows himself! He knows his motivation in life!

I think I have said enough on this...

They won't be coming to your apartment if you aren't letting them.

StPete:


Oga na for person thread u dey play love??

I tire for your mata o