₦airaland Forum

safarigirl:
Funny how most of the points here, are also reflected in the Nigerian society in Nigeria

I can't wait to go abroad and be avoided by all the Nigerians. I think I've had enough of them, even from here

lefulefu:
na waoh wich one is white culture or african culture again .havent u seen white girls in the kitchen cooking for their men?

HeavenlyCherub:
Honestly I think you have good points in your paragraphs. I agree that as women we shouldn’t single out every man who isn’t walking in their purpose at that given time. However I would never advise anyone to settle.

Some of the financially challenged/student men who come to the US, a very large percentage have taken advantage of good women all in the name of love. I can only use myself as an example. I have dated guys who weren’t stable financially so I can only try help my fellow sisters.


Man 1: Yoruba guy - I dated him for 5 years. Great guy however refused to self improve. He did yahoo. I found out about it and tried to make him stop and do legit as I wouldn’t want our foundation built on potential blood money. He refused a legit job and informed me he knew “the life he wanted for himself and 9 to 5 was not it.” This is because he was consumed by lifestyle and driving range rovers and a Porsche’s. I stuck with him for love but I refused to marry him or his proposal as he didn’t believe in taking care of a woman. He was very selfish (during the course of a 5 year relationship this man never gave me any assistance for upkeep - mind you I didn’t need his money as I do very well for myself but every woman wants their man to be able to support and provide in small ways. This shows me you’re stable and can support our family should we hit hard times. He would always ask me why I need money and what I do with the money I earn. $10 to buy a panty he could not even do, but he stayed embellished in Gucci, LV and Prada. He also had a baby on me and begged me to raise the child with him if it was his after dna...I was scared toput myself in that position as a time when I have to depend on him will come and he would not man up as he should so I broke it off. He proposed I said no. . No way I can submit to a man like that?..

Man 2: was an international student, the devil himself in human form, they say respect them, support them and let them reach goals.. this guy I supported financially for months, paved a way for him to get his paperwork.. loved and supported. He was nice at first but when we started dating he started changing. Abusing me for not giving 5k usd and not wanting to marry him for green card... I thank God for protecting me from that one chance. He is the biggest regret and bad mistake I ever made in my life. So disheartening you support someone and they physically, verbally abuse you and blame you for the wrong going on in their life... read my story on my profile from 2 years ago for more context Note: I myself am not perfect and I’m constantly working on self improving and strengthening my bond with Christ. I’m big on giving advice to others so they won’t repeat the same mistakes I have made.

My aunt always told me never to date down. Never settle and I did. All the women waiting...wait for Gods time don’t force or rush things because you want to get married. You will end up with someone who puts baggage on you and breaks you emotionally, physically, financially etc. Let Go and Let God. If it’s his will for your life it will be. Don’t leave worse off then you started.

I also have a friend she married someone coming straight from naija. They lived as man and wife 3 years. He got his green card and went back to Nigeria to marry his real girlfriend.

I truly dislike when men put down women like this post. Marriage is not an accomplishment. It will be nice to find a compatible companion but sister- you are enough as you are. Don’t let anyone rush you. Some are happy but many more want to get out of the marriage you are rushing to. Be wise and Let God lead.

Pray for God to give you discernment. Marriage is life and that’s a long journey. Don’t end up with the wrong person because of societal pressure and advice from OP above. I have said my own

safarigirl:
Funny how most of the points here, are also reflected in the Nigerian society in Nigeria

I can't wait to go abroad and be avoided by all the Nigerians. I think I've had enough of them, even from here

SweetCunt97:
Yes! Nigerian men need to drop that male dominance bullshit. You both can't be working and you expect her to slave away in the kitchen all by herself while you watch television.. No no no.

Anyways, we'll get there some day, afterall the west had male dominance some decades ago before the rise of feminism breaking their women free from the shackles of male dominated oppression.

IHate9jerianss:
The guy is a weakling.
Didnt you see the part in his silly write up where he insinuated successful Nigerians in the US should be apologetic to worthless black Americans for being successful?
He also wants Nigerian men to treat their cunty,arrogant female counterparts like queens when those same women treat Nigerian men like poo both at home and abroad

SweetCunt97:
Personally I grew up with both male and female helps... Male helps definitely a no no if the couple got daughters. So female who goes and comes is ideal.

Gracejeri:
Hello oo whose there, I need an abroad based guy to marry.. Not a student please, I'm willing to relocate and work for us to grow big over there.. Nigeria is kinda hot

Smile4mee01:
Interesting Thread.

The loneliness can be real oo. Here in Australia, to see sure 9ja babe sef hard.

Any one with one should link me up.

Thank u.

yassinattah:
Thank you very much,If the African Americans were serious and had their Game up,Nigerians won't even have the opportunity to troop in enmasse and make it in US if the African Americans there were seriously up and doing and them now complaining that 77% of Black Doctors in US are Nigerians shows to you the extent of how Nigerians are go Getter's as well as how the African Americans live their lives.
Its not as if they are still colonized up till now oo,but one yeye African american will be doing low waist and wearing chains called bling bling upandan and u tell me that's a sign of being focused and responsible.
Tufiakwa/Olowon Maje/Allah Ya kiyaye
I cannot come and go to America and go and start looking at Uche's face nah.

Qadaffi2idiamin:
If you wanna understand a Blackman..

Read "what is wrong with a Blackman" by Matthew Ashimolowo.

Play at distance. If you're the kind that fall in love too much. Extend it to the devil not a Blackman else you'll know slavery survived in Africa because blackmen sold blackmen

erico2k2:
Abroad is a hard place for a Nigerian woman, the competition is 2much cos where you wear ur Brazilian hair, there are real Brazilian women with their hair. The only thing you can put 4ward as a bargaining chip is your character and expectations if not you are on your own!

Crispels:
Lol. Not all black Americans are like that tho. I have great black American friends. The problem is: so many Nigerian immigrants come here “extremely hungry for success” and they end up achieving a lot within a short time - which sometimes lead to tension between immigrants from Africa and native black Americans. They believe we are taking their positions in America after our ancestors sold them during slave trade and that we didn’t experience the difficulties they experienced - slavery, fight for civil rights and stuff like that.

Many Nigerians abroad are also too loud as well - they tend to show off their landmark successes and some now have the mentality that “if an average Nigerian can come from a village in Nigeria to become an Engineer or a Millionaire(in dollars) in the US, then any native black American who is struggling to be somebody in life as an American is lazy and unserious”. The black Americans hear and see these things and they feel insulted that after we(not us but our ancestors tho) sold them to slavery, we still have the effrontery to come to America to ride them anyhow we like. They believe Nigerians thrive in America because they made it possible for us: they are the ones who fought for equality in the US and stuff like that.

That is why many black Americans feel weird when some statistics show that over 77% of black doctors in the US are Nigerians and that majority of the blacks being admitted to ivy League schools are Nigerians and Nigerian - Americans. They feel that we are reaping where we did not sow and many of our fellow Nigerians are also not humble enough about their successes. They blow their trumpets so loud that it invites envy from black Americans and even immigrants from other African countries.

About two months ago, I was in Washington DC when one of my professors(who is a White American) confessed to a diverse gathering of people that Nigerians are very smart, hard working and talented(I was the only Nigerian there). Immediately after my professor said it, one other African immigrant there began to feel uncomfortable and she had to say it publicly that “Nigerians have not done or achieved enough to earn the hype people have for them in America”. I just smiled and kept quiet. I’ve learned not to be too loud about myself in the US because when they see that you are moving faster than them, they may begin to see you as a threat and plot bad things toward you. Many Nigerians abroad also need to learn this - it’s better to be humble and not make noise about your achievements.


In the end, as a Nigerian in the US, I do not have any superiority or inferiority complex towards anyone - regardless of race,nationality, sex, orientation or social status. In fact, it saddens my heart when I see African immigrants and black Africans having misunderstandings. The reason being that: these black Americans are also our brothers and sisters if we want to be true to ourselves. All my black American friends have Nigerian DNA. In fact, some of them are over 87% Nigerians(according to the results of their ancestry/DNA test). So, I see no reason why we all(black Americans, Nigerians, Nigerian -Americans, all African immigrants) cannot love each other and support ourselves.

Many Nigerians and Nigerian -Americans need to be more humble about their phenomenal successes as well albeit people should not try to downplay the immense efforts, pains, sacrifices, hard work and drive that most Nigerians abroad pour into life to achieve great things.


[/b]Finally, we all should not dwell in the past. We cannot change what happened during the slave trade - it was an unfortunate incidence but that is now history. More so, we were not the ones that sold them into slavery and not all African immigrants have condescending opinions about black Americans. Majority of us love them and we see them as a part of us. African immigrants should see black Americans as their brothers and sisters, vice versa. We all need to work together and put our differences/biases aside. [b]

IN THE END, WE ARE ALL AFRICANS! ONE LOVE!!!

GeneralPula:
Got where?

Crispels:
I have gone through this thread https://www.nairaland.com/5782313/chai-nigerian-girls-canada-lonely/5 , its comments and the response it got from a Nigerian -Canadian lady. I was able to relate to so many of them - being a Nigerian student in the United States. Hence, the need to give my perspective.


(1). ALMOST ALL “FRESH OFF THE BOAT” IMMIGRANTS ARE LONELY

Contrary to the perception that was created on the other thread that Nigerian ladies in Canada are lonely, loneliness knows no sex. It hits both men and women - particularly those who are fresh immigrants.


(2). MANY NIGERIAN GIRLS ABROAD SET UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS(THE KIND OF GUY THEY WANT)AT A YOUNG AGE.

I have met with several Nigerian - American girls here and even international students who came from Nigeria. In the course of my interactions with them, I noticed a pattern of behavior, most of the Nigerian girls(both Nigerian - Americans and Nigerian foreign students) who are below the age of 24 always have an ‘image’ of the guy they want. Many(do take note that my choice of words are MANY/MOST and not ALL) of them will always tell you that “he has to be very handsome, rich, tall, sociable (which could also mean a party freak/a guy who loves binge drinking). They will also tell you that he has to be responsible, and many more, according to them”. When you however delineate all of these requirements, you will realize that they are unrealistic. It is hard to find a guy who possesses all of these qualities at the same time - and even when you luckily get to meet one of such- the reality could be: he is already in a relationship, he does not like you or there is no connection between the two of you.

More so, expecting a Nigerian guy(particularly a foreign student) to have it all figured out( be rich, handsome, sociable, this and that) at the age of 22 is insane.

Many of these girls continue to view guys from this prism of expectations until when they clock 25years plus and reality begins to set in. They will now start realizing that their initial expectations are not logical. They will discover that the rich, tall, sociable and handsome guy they wanted at the age of 20 could be a cheater while the struggling guy who they looked down on during their Junior year in college could now be earning 7figures - just three years after they looked down on him. Life is a process and we all are still growing. It is better to look out for potentials, hunger for success, drive and discipline instead of creating unrealistic checklists at a young age. Many of these girls(and even guys) set their expectations based on what they see on social media - ignoring the fact that the reality of Davido and Chioma or Beyoncé and Jay Z is unlikely to be your own reality. By the time many people realize life does not work according to certain checklists, they would have lost some years and funny enough - the guy or girl they probably looked down on earlier could now be their dream partner albeit too late.

(3). THE AVERAGE NIGERIAN ABROAD PREFERS TO MARRY A FELLOW NIGERIAN BUT THINGS SOMETIMES CHANGE DUE TO HURTFUL EXPERIENCES


When I first arrived in the United States, it was easier for me to interact with Oyinbo girls than most Nigerian-American/Nigerian girls. Most(not all) of the Nigerian girls I met here were so evasive and arrogant then. This was a time I needed a lot of help - in terms of settling down, making new friends, staying connected to my roots and stuff like that. I never even thought of dating anyone then - I just wanted good friends in a foreign land but many of the feedback I got made it seem as if I was trying to “shoot a shot” and I should stay off them. In fact, on many occasions, it’s either my messages(some as innocent as: “Hello, please, which of these stores is the most reliable grocery store in this neighborhood)”? or my greetings were ignored or I was completely ghosted. Some of them even described me as a “FRESH OFF THE BOAT” guy who they don’t want to be friends with.
I found it somewhat sad because many of these privileged Nigerian kids are children of Nigerian immigrants who were also once foreign students that even worked as cleaners, drivers and the likes when they first arrived in the US before they eventually settled down to become Doctors, Engineers, Businessmen, etc. So, watching some of their kids act cocky towards a ”newly arrived Nigerian” was sad - because the struggles he/she is facing now were what their parents faced 20-30 years ago. While I was struggling to settle down, I got more support from foreigners - there were Americans who took me to different stores, taught me how to use the city transportation system, how to save cost and adjust to the American society and system. These were some of the forms of support I needed from my Nigerian sisters(NOTE : over 98% of the Nigerians I saw upon resumption are females).

On the other hand, there were girls from North African countries and other parts of the world who love Nigerian guys die. Kudos to our music industry: many foreigners love/rate Nigerian guys due to our afro beat artistes and our love for dance/faajii, big weddings and surprisingly - the way we treat our women. These foreign babes bought me unsolicited gifts and offered to pay for my food(which I stubbornly refused) on numerous occasions. In fact, there was an American friend that unsolicitedly cooked for me during Thanksgiving period - she cooked it in her family house, drove down to my apartment and gave it to me. Thus, if I was so desperate to date anyone at that time, it would definitely have been a foreigner.

Yet, I continued to love and support my Nigerian sisters and the Nigerian community. In fact, deep inside of me, I continued to convince myself that when the time is right - I would rather date and marry a Nigerian girl as opposed to any other nationality. This was despite the fact that I was friends with just only one Nigerian(she’s Nigerian - American) girl at that time - who was already dating a Caribbean guy and I was equally not even searching for a girlfriend at that time.

The reality here is: most guys are not that patient to wait for a Nigerian babe or tolerate such hurtful experiences. Many would have gone for the Oyinbo girls or any other foreigner who treated them nicely even if they had planned to date a Nigerian ab initio.

(4). WE SHOULD ALL BE REALISTIC AND STAY TRUE TO OURSELVES.

Looking for ready made girls or guys at a young age is one of the major reasons behind loneliness among Nigerians in the diaspora. The fact that a guy or a girl just arrived the US/Canada(to study) from Lagos or Onitsha today - with a heavy accent, awkward dressing, low bank account balance, etc... does not mean he cannot be as smart, sociable, and successful as Obama in a few years. If there is one thing I know about we Nigerians, it’s that: virtually all of us have great potentials and we desire greatness in life. We are very ambitious and we are willing to give all it takes to achieve our dreams - howbeit the stifling environment in Naija is usually a great hindrance to our successes. Nevertheless, we are all in the process of becoming who we hope to be. Thus, while we endure this process: why can’t we all just be realistic, support each other to be better individuals, achieve phenomenal successes together and serve as a beacon of hope to those who look up to us back home in Nigeria?
[/b]Why must we make major life decisions like relationships based on mostly unrealistic checklists when we both can evolve together to meet the desires of our heart and soul? [b]
We should not focus on what only pleases our eyes but what satisfies our heart and soul - that is what makes long lasting relationships. Beauty will fade. Money will fail at some point but what will make it last, forever is: character, strength, discipline and love of God.

[/b]Eventually, most of the girls who treated me badly when I first arrived here later wanted us to be friends after they read, saw or heard some things about me. While I will forever love my Nigerian sisters, coalescing around guys only when they look like what you want should not be so. Life does not work that way. Anybody could rise! There are potentials in every corner of the world. What people need are opportunities and when these opportunities meet potentials, preparations, hard work and the grace of God - greatness is inevitable.[b]

As Nigerian men abroad, we must love and respect our women. We must treat them as priorities - come what may! We must also support and cherish them because they embody our beauty, greatness and strength. Our Nigerian sisters must also realize that Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge was not built in a day - it took years of efforts, investments and transformation for it to become the darling of our Nollywood movies. In other words, that a guy does not entirely look like it today does not mean he will never get there. So far he has the potentials, he can even be more - with time and hard work, he can be way more than your unrealistic checklist. Can we now start looking at the heart and not the checklist?

This O.P writes from +1412, United States of America.

Dearlord:
lol, for me I see it as the evil force trying to control our whole being making us to get worn out physically and emotionally so that our BP will be so high and it will make us age fast, get angry and do what will make us die fast so that another offspring will continue the cycle.

QweenM:
What's with all these counter threads about ladies living abroad .

Whether in Naija or abroad, there are lonely women scattered all around the world and at the right time, their men will find them.

Gracejeri:
Hello oo whose there, I need an abroad based guy to marry.. Not a student please, I'm willing to relocate and work for us to grow big over there.. Nigeria is kinda hot

yassinattah:
Thank you very much,If the African Americans were serious and had their Game up,Nigerians won't even have the opportunity to troop in enmasse and make it in US if the African Americans there were seriously up and doing and them now complaining that 77% of Black Doctors in US are Nigerians shows to you the extent of how Nigerians are go Getter's as well as how the African Americans live their lives.
Its not as if they are still colonized up till now oo,but one yeye African american will be doing low waist and wearing chains called bling bling upandan and u tell me that's a sign of being focused and responsible.
Tufiakwa/Olowon Maje/Allah Ya kiyaye
I cannot come and go to America and go and start looking at Uche's face nah.

Nukilia:
What happened to all the guys in Nigeria? Why don't you work with them so you can grow big together....

Ariza:
It is getting too much abeg, talk something else.

oshaosha2014:
Yes, very lazy females hiding under feminism and equality.

erico2k2:
U nor see as 9ja be so?

missimelda01:
But wait, why is love and relationship this complicated? If you're in Nigeria, problem.. out of Nigeria, problem

In the midst of all this brouahah, there's still someone out there meant for you.

SweetCunt97:
Yes! Nigerian men need to drop that male dominance bullshit. You both can't be working and you expect her to slave away in the kitchen all by herself while you watch television.. No no no.

Anyways, we'll get there some day, afterall the west had male dominance some decades ago before the rise of feminism breaking their women free from the shackles of male dominated oppression.

Crispels:
Exactly. This is very important. No matter where we migrate to - Nigeria will always be home. We can never change our DNA - we are forever Nigerians whether we like it or not. Thus, whatever happens to Nigeria happens to us anywhere in the world.

When Nigeria gets fixed, most of these ignorant foreigners will start respecting the country. It’s hard for Americans or Chinese to look down on Emiratis living among them because they know their home country is also doing well.