Hi, I have been married for 9 years now, the problem I have with my husband is that his family members keep sucking him dry and the way he neglects us his immediate family.

He is the first child of 7 children, his siblings even the married ladies keep asking him for money. He keeps spending money on them and their husbands. His brothers keep crying they are broke, they keep leeching off him.

His two junior brothers that always ask him for money, one of them built a house in Port Harcourt and the other one built a big house in the village. Still they won't let him rest.

His married sisters are the worst. If they cough they would call him to send money, every minor thing they would expect money. Just this evening his sister called him to ask for money. We don't have a house of our own, I keep telling my husband to stop giving in to all their demands and invest the money on something, he would say I am turning him against his family.

We have 2 kids and I have told him we need to start saving for their future, I pay the electricity bill, foodstuffs, and most times the children school fees, he pays the house rent and rarely keeps money for home upkeep, he sometimes drops two thousand and that's it for the whole week. He always complains he has no more, but once his family calls him he sends money immediately.

I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property. I don't know what to deal with, his family entitlement mentality or the way he neglects the kids and I and treat us like outsiders.

I am really pissed off and tired.

Sorry for the long post.

"I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property."

This is obviously the reason for your lamentations.
Modified:
For those quoting me wrongly always bear in mind that family is blood however bad yours may be.
Helping family will never stop his progress unless he has no plan.

In spite of how you twist a wrong...it never make a right for Candle bears no cost lighting Another.

Such men only regrets in their grave. After everything, they must kill him

Instead of telling your husband to stop 'spending on his family', point him to projects he can spend money on.

E.g. 'My friend said there is one cheap land at Igbo Tutu' or 'how I wish we had our house, we wouldn't be bothered about Baba Mulika asking for rent every year' or 'there is one mutual funds that the entry is N200k and you get 15% returns per year. We can be paying Junior's fees from the interest'. You can also bring up investment for your kids etc.

You know what works with your husband so explore that. Also appreciate him for what he does so far.

@buying your land: I am not a fan of spouses buying stuffs behind each other so I will say deposit the money in mutual benefit/Chapel Hill/Piggybank for now while you try to make him see reason. I particularly don't like the fact you want only your name on the land; recipe for disaster as your husband is not hiding his own funds; he is just not spending it wisely.

You should also understand where your husband is coming from: in some cultures, the 'worth' of the first son/husband of the first daughter is their ability to fund everyone's lifestyle without complaint while their own immediate family suffers.

It is a recurring theme so you re-orientate him in love and harmony to see that his family can and will survive without his handouts.

Also note that if he goes 360 and stops funding his siblings, it can cause problems for you'all.

Let him give them money to learn a trade or something, does he want you and his kids to suffer? Why are some men so unreasonable? I am married with a boy, so many Cash request on my phone and I ignore some and treat only the important ones

ProfAmaben:
You refer to your in-laws as leeches? I would give you a mark you'll never forget

Families could be leeches and parasites.

And that picture is horrible.

bukatyne:
Instead of telling your husband to stop 'spending on his family', point him to projects he can spend money on.

E.g. 'My friend said there is one cheap land at Igbo Tutu' or 'how I wish we had our house, we wouldn't be bothered about Baba Mulika asking for rent every year' or 'there is one mutual funds that the entry is N200k and you get 15% returns per year. We can be paying Junior's fees from the interest'. You can also bring up investment for your kids etc.

You know what works with your husband so explore that. Also appreciate him for what he does so far.

@buying your land: I am not a fan of spouses buying stuffs behind each other so I will say deposit the money in mutual benefit/Chapel Hill/Piggybank for now while you try to make him see reason. I particularly don't like the fact you want only your name on the land; recipe for disaster as your husband is not hiding his own funds; he is just not spending it wisely.

You should also understand where your husband is coming from: in some cultures, the 'worth' of the first son/husband of the first daughter is their ability to fund everyone's lifestyle without complaint while their own immediate family suffers.

It is a recurring theme so you re-orientate him in love and harmony to see that his family can and will survive without his handouts.

Also note that if he goes 360 and stops funding his siblings, it can cause problems for you'all.

I am not buying behind his back, I would tell him but I am not including his name. Do you know how many times I have told him to buy a land and start a project. He won't, he prefers spending all the money on his siblings.

Marriage it's well ooo hummmm

Anni3e:
I am not buying behind his back, I would tell him but I am not including his name.

Ok.

Do you want to solve the problem permanently and live in love, harmony and planning together

OR

Do you want to solve the problem with a temporary equally damaging measure and live with bitterness in your heart like a 'Nigerian wife?'

Does buying the land change the fact that his family is capitalizing on his sense of 'duty' to suck him dry and leaving you to pick up the bills you are currently complaining about?

The choice is yours ma'am.

bukatyne:


Families could be leeches and parasites.

And that picture is horrible.

Some men don't love their immediate family, they naturally prefer the one they grew up with, stop paying some of these bills let's see how he would send free cash. Also, have your solid savings because this kind man fit die anytime from pressure.

ProfAmaben:

Some men don't love their immediate family, they naturally prefer the one they grew up with, stop paying some of these bills let's see how he would send free cash. Also, have your solid savings because this kind man fit die anytime from pressure.

For some, it is not necessarily hatred for their wife and kids....

That is what they saw their father do or they also benefited from one uncle working like a slave to serve them.

Not paying some bills again might not work if he has an idea of her earnings.

It now becomes 'she hates his family and doesn't want him to take care of them'.

Many Nigerian families abuse first borns. The first borns sef internalize the abuse and it becomes part of their identity.
Their self fulfillment now comes from seeing the younger siblings succeed. Sometimes to the detriment of their own progress.
Your husband clearly has no ambition of his own.

bukatyne:


For some, it is not necessarily hatred for their wife and kids....

That is what they saw their father do or they also benefited from one uncle working like a slave to serve them.

Not paying some bills again might not work if he has an idea of her earnings.

It now becomes 'she hates his family and doesn't want him to take care of them'.

For your husband to say that you are turning him against his family means he's myopic in reasoning. Everyone should be smart to know that their family comes first. What if he loses his job or business goes bad, who would help him? I'm sure he hasn't even built his house, helping is good, not at your detriment

Anni3e:
I am not buying behind his back, I would tell him but I am not including his name. Do you know how many times I have told him to buy a land and start a project. He won't, he prefers spending all the money on his siblings.

Calm down. Can we work on this Together, I mean when you're calm. You seem pretty intense at the moment.

ProfAmaben:

For your husband to say that you are turning him against his family means he's myopic in reasoning. Everyone should be smart to know that their family comes first. What if he loses his job or business goes bad, who would help him? I'm sure he hasn't even built his house, helping is good, not at your detriment

It is easy for you to say because you were not indoctrinated with 'helping' your siblings as the first born.

I have seen this play over and over again.

A number of them even married very very late to 'cater' for their siblings.

bukatyne:


It is easy for you to say because you were not indoctrinated with 'helping' your siblings as the first born.

I have seen this play over and over again.

A number of them even married very very late to 'cater' for their siblings.

I'm the first born of my family and happily married. I have 4 siblings with one staying with us, there is no indoctrination here, just common sense. I trained my kid bro by buying him an online udemy python programming course for $15, today he's doing well in Lagos, my junior sister is also doing well, I don't dash money but you must use it to acquire a skill

ProfAmaben:

I'm the first born of my family and happily married. I have 4 siblings with one staying with us, there is no indoctrination here, just common sense. I trained my kid bro by buying him an online udemy python programming course for $15, today he's doing well in Lagos, my junior sister is also doing well, I don't dash money but you must use it to acquire a skill

Good for you, in some families, it is like a yolk on their neck.

That said, you can also drop hints for the OP so she can use them on her husband.

bukatyne:


Ok.

Do you want to solve the problem permanently and live in love, harmony and planning together

OR

Do you want to solve the problem with a temporary equally damaging measure and live with bitterness in your heart like a 'Nigerian wife?'

Does buying the land change the fact that his family is capitalizing on his sense of 'duty' to suck him dry and leaving you to pick up the bills you are currently complaining about?

The choice is yours ma'am.

I have made up my mind, just if anything happens I want to have something to fall back on. When he nearly went broke in 2014, none of his brothers helped him, they all claimed broke still he doesn't want to learn . He won't listen to any advice, if I leave things to him, one day we might end up on the streets.

Anni3e:
I have made up my mind, just if anything happens I want to have something to fall back on. When he nearly went broke in 2014, none of his brothers helped him, they all claimed broke still he doesn't want to learn . He won't listen to any advice, if I leave things to him, one day we might end up on the streets.

I knew it. SMDH.

Be the Abigail or Esther of your family. Some times, these men need someone to save them from themselves.

Anni3e:
I have made up my mind, just if anything happens I want to have something to fall back on. When he nearly went broke in 2014, none of his brothers helped him, they all claimed broke still he doesn't want to learn . He won't listen to any advice, if I leave things to him, one day we might end up on the streets.

This is the exact same issue I am currently facing. I really regret this marriage. Mine is so bad that they even share his clothes. How can you a married man, you youngest brother every little thing one excuse or the other can I use this cloth?
I feel more terrible because this young man has laboured for over ten years earning well with nothing attached to his name but training children that his parents gave birth to and can not raise. I am always scared because anything happens to him I also don't have savings because I have used everything to take care of the house while he is busy taking care of siblings.

ihutuluv:
This is the exact same issue I am currently facing. I really regret this marriage. Mine is so bad that they even share his clothes. How can you a married man, you youngest brother every little thing one excuse or the other can I use this cloth?
I feel more terrible because this young man has laboured for over ten years earning well with nothing attached to his name but training children that his parents gave birth to and can not raise. I am always scared because anything happens to him I also don't have savings because I have used everything to take care of the house while he is busy taking care of siblings.

[img]https:///view/the-wire-shocked-open-mouth-oh-oh-snap-gif-4207696.gif[/img]

U too suck him dry nd save the money. simple!. He actually knows u'll fend 4 d family if he does'nt provide anythin.

Just b wise sha

Anni3e:
I have made up my mind, just if anything happens I want to have something to fall back on. When he nearly went broke in 2014, none of his brothers helped him, they all claimed broke still he doesn't want to learn . He won't listen to any advice, if I leave things to him, one day we might end up on the streets.

You’re on the right path.

‘Head’ of home that doesn’t make his home a priority has abdicated his responsibilities. It’s only you your children have now, don’t let them down. Save more of your salary for yourself and your kids.

ihutuluv:
This is the exact same issue I am currently facing. I really regret this marriage. Mine is so bad that they even share his clothes. How can you a married man, you youngest brother every little thing one excuse or the other can I use this cloth?
I feel more terrible because this young man has laboured for over ten years earning well with nothing attached to his name but training children that his parents gave birth to and can not raise. I am always scared because anything happens to him I also don't have savings because I have used everything to take care of the house while he is busy taking care of siblings.

u try, ur reward is in heaven.

OP, the truth is that's how God created us, it's our default setting...


Thou, ain't married yet oo but I don over reach but the love for my brothers is what I don't get

Sometimes I feel like adopting my brothers kid nd train them sef..

Thou I don't joke with investments..

Women do not always like it when their spouses give other people money, the 5000 or 10000 your husband gives his siblings is not the cause of his lack of investments.

There are lots of other ways your husband can cut cost but you are fixated on him not giving his family. Expunge that idea from your mind, it will always be seen as trying to put a wedge between him and his family.

If truly your husband is irresponsible with his money, love him through it and one day he will come to realization, if you can’t do that leave the marriage. You are already solely taking care of your immediate family, I’m sure you won’t miss him anyway?

Madam i don't like to talk when it comes to people's marriages but this your situation will definitely end in tears in the nearest future.
If anything happens to your husband and he can't support his siblings again you people are in for it. Those siblings have houses to their name while your husband has none.
This almost happened to us until my dad listened to my mum. Those his siblings will never help out when he is down with their life of dependence on him, they are just leeching off him.
Your husband should focus on his nuclear family and pave way for bright future for his children.

As a first son he has tried his best. Imagine two of the younger ones have house of their own while your husband that supports them live in a rented apartment.

Please keep talking to him oh till he listens to you before it becomes late.

I'm so sorry OP, i think it's too late to fix this. Any action you take towards " fixing" this is going to be counterproductive.

The best time to sort stuffs like this out was before marriage and the solution would have been to RUUUN and never look back.

Now, you can only salvage the situation by being your own security. Think for yourself, save for yourself, invest for yourself and sort yourself out. He's been that way for 9yrs, i don't see him changing soon.

You keep talking, you become an enemy. Can you fight his parasitic family off with him being on their side? i guess not.
If you keep waiting for him to fully take charge of his responsibilities, you'll be waiting for a long time girl.