₦airaland Forum

Anni3e:
Hi, I have been married for 9 years now, the problem I have with my husband is that his family members keeps sucking him dry and the way he neglects us his immediate family.
He is the first child of 7 children, his siblings even the married ladies keeps asking him for money, he keeps spending money on them and their husbands. His brothers keeps crying they are broke, they keep leeching off him, his two junior brothers that always asks him for money, one of them built a house in Port Harcourt and the other one built a big house in the village. Still they won't let him rest, his married sisters are the worst if they cough they would call him to send money, every minor thing they would expect money. Just this evening his sister called him to ask for money. We don't have a house of our own, I keep telling my husband to stop giving in to all their demands and invest the money on something, he would say I am turning him against his family. We have 2 kids and I have told him we need to start saving for their future, I pay the electricity bill, foodstuffs, and most times the children school fees, he pays the house rent and rarely keeps money for home upkeep, he sometimes drop two thousand and that's it for the whole week. He always complains he has no more, but once his family calls him he sends money immediately. I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property. I don't know what to deal with, his family entitlement mentality or the way he neglects the kids and I and treat us like outsiders.
I am really pissed off and tired.
Sorry for the long post.

Stop paying any of the Bill's because you are the one paying his family's bills in proxy.

He has chosen his family - you choose yourself and your children.

Can you pretend? You are a woman - you have it in you. Eve made Adam eat the apple .... activate your Eve.

No more nagging

Start building your top secret CIA house. No single soul must know except if your kids are above 16 tell them...

open a high interest account (above inflation interest rate) with stanbic IbTC they will do free will for you - leave everything to your kids once they hit 18

Open a trust fund for each child so that if any thing happens to you they can at least attend a private university in Nigeria

Open a life insurance and use your kids as the beneficiary but not cash rather school fees and vouchers plus some cash.

In meantime- pay no Bill's snd no school fees, your money is for children inheritance if that man dies today (God forbid) you will not see any of his siblings again.

Stop nagging your husband - he will not believe you when you say the money is not available so you must learn to cry and be believable...

Cunning man die and cunning man bury am. You are a woman be wise and good luck.

No man should tag me pls.

crackland:
Let them? Why do we have to let them?

Isn't it basic that a wife should be earning enough to be able to cater for herself and her children, just in case her husband slumps and dies the next minute?

The real problem here is that too many Nigerian women want to depend on their husband's wealth, or rather they want to fall-back on it. They have no bigger ambition than this.
Thank goodness I was not brought up around women of this sort.

Some people are simply generous to a fault and I bet the OP's husband falls in this category. He's not the first of his kind, and as a matter of fact I have a personal experience with such but I'd rather not share here.

The success of men like him almost always depend on the kind of wife he has because it's only a woman who has no financial weight in the eyes of her husband that will have no influence over him when it comes to financial decisions. FACT.

A husband who knows that his wife is at a financial level close or equal to his, will not take her opinions lightly and will want to find a way to heed to her warnings - this is a simple truth most women still don't want to accept.

Fact!!!

Anni3e:
I am not buying behind his back, I would tell him but I am not including his name. Do you know how many times I have told him to buy a land and start a project. He won't, he prefers spending all the money on his siblings.

don't tell him please I beg you. Keep it to yourself. Fence it, gate it and keep the papers. It is your investment. He will regret what he is doing by the time is broke.

DBestDoc:
I don't think it's peculiar to first sons. It just depends on the family and any of the kids can be picked out as the Donkey/victim. Especially, that one with a kind and selfless heart.

I dated a man with similar trait as the OP's husband and in his case, he was even the last son, hahaha. He sponsored both his older and younger siblings through school, was taking care of their families and at the time we were together, he had started sponsoring most of his Nephews and nieces through school.

At some point, i advised him to give his siblings some capital and encourage them to start some business so as to relieve the financial burden. He waved that off with the excuse that his people are not business inclined.

Oya, upgrade your educational qualifications na for better future opportunities now that you're single and have the wherewithal, Mr man said ok and after a few days he came back with the excuse of having too much family responsibilities to spare any cash for such. Apparently, one of his siblings he shared the idea with told him the program was expensive. I offered to 'loan' him the fees but he rejected the offer.

He easily ran out of cash for someone earning in 6 figures at that time. He wasn't married, no children he wasn't spending the money on me obviously but he was almost always broke. Most phone calls he received whenever we were together were money requests from family. Account will turn red immediately after pay day (i started thinking he'd been jazzed, i didn't know what else to think about. lol)

I got to understand that doing those things made him happy. That feeling of being the messiah of his family gave him some sort of satisfaction and fulfillment that nobody was allowed to deprive him of. He always confided in me that he's been there for his family since he was a boy.

The love i had for him turned to PITY and then to indifference. I saw a wonderful man with a very good heart but was non-progressive this, i couldn't deal with. His family didn't love him enough to advise him to help himself while helping them. He was a dead weight that i needed to offload. After analyzing the situation one day, i RAN without telling him why. No drama, no quarrel, i just ghosted him i didn't want another begging or convincing.

Red flags everywhere. It's important for young people to consider all these things before choosing a life partner. It never gets better and once you're in, you're in. Running was one of the best decisions i've made as a woman. Man is already 40 now unmarried, no kids. I just feel so sad for him because he's a nice person.

Some people are created differently, acquiring material wealth wouldn't make them happy. Some people were created to touch lives. Not everyone is self centred, however I also agree that people should only be with whom they can cope with.

Please don't pity him, helping people is what he finds fulfilment in. Marriage and kids don't bring many people fulfilment but they are forced into it by society. We should start learning to take people for whom they are.

As for the Op, let her save for her kids and herself but she should realise that her husband finds fulfilment in helping others. That's how he was created.

crackland:
Let them? Why do we have to let them?

Isn't it basic that a wife should be earning enough to be able to cater for herself and her children, just in case her husband slumps and dies the next minute?

The real problem here is that too many Nigerian women want to depend on their husband's wealth, or rather they want to fall-back on it. They have no bigger ambition than this.
Thank goodness I was not brought up around women of this sort.

Some people are simply generous to a fault and I bet the OP's husband falls in this category. He's not the first of his kind, and as a matter of fact I have a personal experience with such but I'd rather not share here.

The success of men like him almost always depend on the kind of wife he has because it's only a woman who has no financial weight in the eyes of her husband that will have no influence over him when it comes to financial decisions. FACT.

A husband who knows that his wife is at a financial level close or equal to his, will not take her opinions lightly and will want to find a way to heed to her warnings - this is a simple truth most women still don't want to accept.

Interesting perspective. You are absolutely right bro.

Anni3e:
Hi, I have been married for 9 years now, the problem I have with my husband is that his family members keeps sucking him dry and the way he neglects us his immediate family.
He is the first child of 7 children, his siblings even the married ladies keeps asking him for money, he keeps spending money on them and their husbands. His brothers keeps crying they are broke, they keep leeching off him, his two junior brothers that always asks him for money, one of them built a house in Port Harcourt and the other one built a big house in the village. Still they won't let him rest, his married sisters are the worst if they cough they would call him to send money, every minor thing they would expect money. Just this evening his sister called him to ask for money. We don't have a house of our own, I keep telling my husband to stop giving in to all their demands and invest the money on something, he would say I am turning him against his family. We have 2 kids and I have told him we need to start saving for their future,I pay the electricity bill, foodstuffs, and most times the children school fees, he pays the house rent and rarely keeps money for home upkeep, he sometimes drop two thousand and that's it for the whole week. He always complains he has no more, but once his family calls him he sends money immediately. I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property. I don't know what to deal with, his family entitlement mentality or the way he neglects the kids and I and treat us like outsiders.
I am really pissed off and tired.
Sorry for the long post.

you’re the reason for your own predicament. Allow a man be a man! Stop paying and supporting with your finances! After you born two children, you still dey use your money keep up the Mrs title! You can’t carry this on for long o. Which day you sef wan invest in yourself?
Withdraw your financial support and use your woman power!

Lol. You people don't want to share the bill again?

How much do you spend on school fees and food? Like you said, he pays the rent and drop housekeep money sometimes. Rents are on the high lately.

I'm sure he helps out with chores and babysitting. Most firstborns are hardworking after all.

School fees + foodstuff + chores = Rent + foodstuff + chores.

The only issue you have is that he spends on his siblings (so start spending on your siblings too to balance the equation).

Now that you want to buy a land and build in your name, can he stops paying rent? He needs to buy a land and start buying.

Default setting ko factory setting ni

I'm a first born and I watch out for my damn self EVERYTIME

I will never abject myself to debt or penury for anyone in this world. The last time I checked we all came to this world alone and we'll exit alone. If I can help and it won't inconvenience me much, I will but anything outside that, everybody is on their own.

This op's husband and people like him needs to work on their psyche. Nobody will canonize you for giving up your life for family. The most they can do is remember you once in a while when you're gone and most times they act like entitled prigs when you're unable to cater to their whims.

menix:
OP, the truth is that's how God created us, it's our default setting...


Thou, ain't married yet oo but I don over reach but the love for my brothers is what I don't get

Sometimes I feel like adopting my brothers kid nd train them sef..

Thou I don't joke with investments..

Anni3e:
I have made up my mind, just if anything happens I want to have something to fall back on. When he nearly went broke in 2014, none of his brothers helped him, they all claimed broke still he doesn't want to learn . He won't listen to any advice, if I leave things to him, one day we might end up on the streets.

Madam, please plan for yourself and kids.
Very important!!!!

Bluehill1051:
Mtcheeew rubbish post. I pray that your husband even die sef!

You will die before her husband. Evil individual.

Acidosis:
Lol. You people don't want to share the bill again?

How much do you spend on school fees and food? Like you said, he pays the rent and drop housekeep money sometimes. Rents are on the high lately.

I'm sure he helps out with chores and babysitting. Most firstborns are hardworking after all.

School fees + foodstuff + chores = Rent + foodstuff + chores.

The only issue you have is that he spends on his siblings (so start spending on your siblings too to balance the equation).

Now that you want to buy a land and build in your name, can he stops paying rent? He needs to buy a land and start buying.

Housekeeping money is 2k for a week. Is that transport fare to the market or something?

Hmmmm, this deep, m still single ,I don't know what to advice , but your story looks like my mum's aunts own.
My mama always gist me how smart the woman became, she always beg her husband to build even if its a 1 bedroom but he preferred building for his family siblings and all that in guise of family first then his, and say the siblings trained him ,& he was a big man, he would do all of his own at convenient,
When the woman got tired & knew her husband won't change, she started stealing his money and finding avenues to take from him without knowing/she took a dangerous leap and built her house (upstairs, & it was their children names that where in all the properties) without him knowing , it got to a point she said they should relocate to one of her houses she built ,(and she was working too then), & they lived in a big way, changed the children school and Lied on the school fees .she was taking house rent and extra from skol fees and other tenancy rate. Without even her own extended family knowing but she told her grown up kids, they knew how their dad settled his siblings & parents first, when he retired and was paid , he use almost 80% to tend to family and by the time the woman she found out, had to find a way to take the remaining 20%,

In conclusion when his family turned their backs on him and said they didn't send him message ooo, he went back to cry and he realised at old age nothing to be done, no work, well d wife confessed to him and surprisingly he was happy she dealt with him that way, he didn't take offence and even apologised to his wife and kids and her niece who suffered and endured his foolishness when he was agile.

In conclusion:- you alone knows what works for you, apply wisdom and pls pray to Jehovah God, as I said earlier it was a story i heard,and I never met her, she was my great aunt & men then in those days where mild at character,.. But reading your story reminded me of my childhood stories abt her and I smiled, #memories of an happy childhood

Acidosis:
Lol. You people don't want to share the bill again?

How much do you spend on school fees and food? Like you said, he pays the rent and drop housekeep money sometimes. Rents are on the high lately.

I'm sure he helps out with chores and babysitting. Most firstborns are hardworking after all.

School fees + foodstuff + chores = Rent + foodstuff + chores.

The only issue you have is that he spends on his siblings (so start spending on your siblings too to balance the equation).

Now that you want to buy a land and build in your name, can he stops paying rent? He needs to buy a land and start buying.

I see you trying to bring feminism into this thread.
If you don't have anything better to say, kindly shut up.

eazzzy1:
Women do not always like it when their spouses give other people money, the 5000 or 10000 your husband gives his siblings is not the cause of his lack of investments.

There are lots of other ways your husband can cut cost but you are fixated on him not giving his family. Expunge that idea from your mind, it will always be seen as trying to put a wedge between him and his family.

If truly your husband is irresponsible with his money, love him through it and one day he will come to realization, if you can’t do that leave the marriage. You are already solely taking care of your immediate family, I’m sure you won’t miss him anyway?

The things I read on NL sha.

poshestmina:
Madam, please plan for yourself and kids.
Very important!!!!

It is what I plan on doing, I am setting aside funds for my kids

jesmond3945:
don't tell him please I beg you. Keep it to yourself. Fence it, gate it and keep the papers. It is your investment. He will regret what he is doing by the time is broke.

I would tell him, I hate keeping secrets. At least he won't say I did not inform him.

NoToPile:
The things I read on NL sha.

Are you surprised ? Sometimes I wonder if most people on NL have their brains intact.

Omolego:
Hmmmm, this deep, m still single ,I don't know what to advice , but your story looks like my mum's aunts own.
My mama always gist me how smart the woman became, she always beg her husband to build even if its a 1 bedroom but he preferred building for his family siblings and all that in guise of family first then his, and say the siblings trained him ,& he was a big man, he would do all of his own at convenient,
When the woman got tired & knew her husband won't change, she started stealing his money and finding avenues to take from him without knowing/she took a dangerous leap and built her house (upstairs, & it was their children names that where in all the properties) without him knowing , it got to a point she said they should relocate to one of her houses she built ,(and she was working too then), & they lived in a big way, changed the children school and Lied on the school fees .she was taking house rent and extra from skol fees and other tenancy rate. Without even her own extended family knowing but she told her grown up kids, they knew how their dad settled his siblings & parents first, when he retired and was paid , he use almost 80% to tend to family and by the time the woman she found out, had to find a way to take the remaining 20%,

In conclusion when his family turned their backs on him and said they didn't send him message ooo, he went back to cry and he realised at old age nothing to be done, no work, well d wife confessed to him and surprisingly he was happy she dealt with him that way, he didn't take offence and even apologised to his wife and kids and her niece who suffered and endured his foolishness when he was agile.

In conclusion:- you alone knows what works for you, apply wisdom and pls pray to Jehovah God, as I said earlier it was a story i heard,and I never met her, she was my great aunt & men then in those days where mild at character,.. But reading your story reminded me of my childhood stories abt her and I smiled, #memories of an happy childhood

@Bold:

Biko, permit me to laugh

I am not disputing their mildness or otherwise; I just found the statement funny

Acidosis:
Lol. You people don't want to share the bill again?

How much do you spend on school fees and food? Like you said, he pays the rent and drop housekeep money sometimes. Rents are on the high lately.

I'm sure he helps out with chores and babysitting. Most firstborns are hardworking after all.

School fees + foodstuff + chores = Rent + foodstuff + chores.

The only issue you have is that he spends on his siblings (so start spending on your siblings too to balance the equation).

Now that you want to buy a land and build in your name, can he stops paying rent? He needs to buy a land and start buying.

In 2020, Nigerian women still don't want to share bills equally...they'd rather behave like their primitive fore-mothers.
They ought to take a cue and learn from women who are civilized.

Times have changed but they'd rather remain cave women.

Pavore9:
The question that needs to be answered is, when such men die leaving behind school going children, do the siblings he had helped while alive step in to see to the welfare of their late brother's children?

Most of the times no they don't
The 'Uncles' swoop in to even claim their brothers assets leaving the woman penniless/ homeless if she hasn't made some investments.

Acidosis:
Lol. You people don't want to share the bill again?

How much do you spend on school fees and food? Like you said, he pays the rent and drop housekeep money sometimes. Rents are on the high lately.

I'm sure he helps out with chores and babysitting. Most firstborns are hardworking after all.

School fees + foodstuff + chores = Rent + foodstuff + chores.

The only issue you have is that he spends on his siblings (so start spending on your siblings too to balance the equation).

Now that you want to buy a land and build in your name, can he stops paying rent? He needs to buy a land and start buying.

Lol please show us where she indicated this

crackland:
In 2020, Nigerian women still don't want to share bills equally...they'd rather behave like their primitive fore-mothers.
They ought to take a cue and learn from women who are civilized.

Times have changed but they'd rather remain cave women.

Nigerian women are cave women, how many men provide entirely for the home ?
Have you gone to any all Nigerian family to ascertain it is only men that provide for the family?
I see all you live for, is fighting gender wars on Nairaland and having arguments, don't try to bring that into this thread.

Amanee:
Default setting ko factory setting ni

I'm a first born and I watch out for my damn self EVERYTIME

I will never abject myself to debt or penury for anyone in this world. The last time I checked we all came to this world alone and we'll exit alone. If I can help and it won't inconvenience me much, I will but anything outside that, everybody is on their own.

This op's husband and people like him needs to work on their psyche. Nobody will canonize you for giving up your life for family. The most they can do is remember you once in a while when you're gone and most times they act like entitled prigs when you're unable to cater to their whims.

That is you, while I hope we respect our individual differences..

Peace!!

Anni3e:
Hi, I have been married for 9 years now, the problem I have with my husband is that his family members keeps sucking him dry and the way he neglects us his immediate family.
He is the first child of 7 children, his siblings even the married ladies keeps asking him for money, he keeps spending money on them and their husbands. His brothers keeps crying they are broke, they keep leeching off him, his two junior brothers that always asks him for money, one of them built a house in Port Harcourt and the other one built a big house in the village. Still they won't let him rest, his married sisters are the worst if they cough they would call him to send money, every minor thing they would expect money. Just this evening his sister called him to ask for money. We don't have a house of our own, I keep telling my husband to stop giving in to all their demands and invest the money on something, he would say I am turning him against his family. We have 2 kids and I have told him we need to start saving for their future, I pay the electricity bill, foodstuffs, and most times the children school fees, he pays the house rent and rarely keeps money for home upkeep, he sometimes drop two thousand and that's it for the whole week. He always complains he has no more, but once his family calls him he sends money immediately. I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property. I don't know what to deal with, his family entitlement mentality or the way he neglects the kids and I and treat us like outsiders.
I am really pissed off and tired.
Sorry for the long post.

Maybe he is suffering from 'bigmanism'.

I mean, how can he not have money to give? It should never be said of him that he has lost his fortune and is npt able to dash them common 100k. Shebi he is a big man na? Big man no be by mouth.

Lol.

Bluehill1051:
Mtcheeew rubbish post. I pray that your husband even die sef!

kilode? ki LA GBE, ki lo ju. OGA oo

Anni3e:
LMAO, so because I told him to give less to his siblings and build up himself that's means I have been trying to create wedge between him and his family ?
As for my saving whether it is imaginary or not, it is none of your business.
You are no different from his siblings, it is your type that would suck his rich family member dry and see his wife as an enemy that has come to drive wedge between you.

Pls,never answer anybody here...let them make their points as u have clearly stated urs. There are always two sides to a coin.

mrblessed:
You have finally shown your hands after failing to separate him from his family and create a wedge, now it is your imaginary savings that is your next weapon. When are you really going to get tired and peace a chance? See where your futile battle of nine years has taken you to. If you are a women who means well for your husband and his family, there is no way he would have ignored you all these years. I don't want to believe that your husband is a fool, who doesn't know what he is doing, why overwhelm yourself with anger. I surmise you are the type of woman that goes into marriage with screw driver, to loose/separate anyone whom you think is too close, or benefits from your husband. As it turns out now, there are some nuts that are very difficult to loose.

shut up! Did u read the same story as other people or responding to an imaginary story in your head

Anni3e:
It is what I plan on doing, I am setting aside funds for my kids I would tell him, I hate keeping secrets. At least he won't say I did not inform him.

then make matters worse for yourself. If you see one naira from him, thank God.

Anni3e:
Hi, I have been married for 9 years now, the problem I have with my husband is that his family members keeps sucking him dry and the way he neglects us his immediate family.
He is the first child of 7 children, his siblings even the married ladies keeps asking him for money, he keeps spending money on them and their husbands. His brothers keeps crying they are broke, they keep leeching off him, his two junior brothers that always asks him for money, one of them built a house in Port Harcourt and the other one built a big house in the village. Still they won't let him rest, his married sisters are the worst if they cough they would call him to send money, every minor thing they would expect money. Just this evening his sister called him to ask for money. We don't have a house of our own, I keep telling my husband to stop giving in to all their demands and invest the money on something, he would say I am turning him against his family. We have 2 kids and I have told him we need to start saving for their future, I pay the electricity bill, foodstuffs, and most times the children school fees, he pays the house rent and rarely keeps money for home upkeep, he sometimes drop two thousand and that's it for the whole week. He always complains he has no more, but once his family calls him he sends money immediately. I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property. I don't know what to deal with, his family entitlement mentality or the way he neglects the kids and I and treat us like outsiders.
I am really pissed off and tired.
Sorry for the long post.

This is what I will do if I was the one in your shoes.

I will start saving money ( which must comes from his pocket, since he knows how to spend, I will assist him) . Invest my money in landed property.
Have a secret acct which will be mainly for deposit only( this is will be for my children upkeep and education later in future)
I will stop telling him not to send money to his sisters and brothers, so I will not be call bad wife.
Once I can build my own house, have enough cash on my secret acct and lastly have a steady source of income. My sister, what ever he does is non of my business.

Godforbid any evil thing happen to your husband. Those he keeps sending money to, will be the first to accuse you of killing him , forgetting their where the one who killed him with unnecessary responsibilities.

STARGREEN:
"I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property."

This is obviously the reason for your lamentations.

Exactly....women will always find an excuse to justify their actions...

NoToPile:
The things I read on NL sha.

What would you like to read on NL? To hate your husband because he has a bad habit?

Take care of yourself and the kids' future

T