₦airaland Forum

It is well
May God help ypu

Bola146:
Marriage it's well ooo hummmm

nne the thing is scary atimes.

It's wrong for you to buy a property without your husband knowing about it, no matter what he's still your husband, just keep talking to him, he will change one day.

Anni3e:
Hi, I have been married for 9 years now, the problem I have with my husband is that his family members keep sucking him dry and the way he neglects us his immediate family.

He is the first child of 7 children, his siblings even the married ladies keep asking him for money. He keeps spending money on them and their husbands. His brothers keep crying they are broke, they keep leeching off him.

His two junior brothers that always ask him for money, one of them built a house in Port Harcourt and the other one built a big house in the village. Still they won't let him rest.

His married sisters are the worst. If they cough they would call him to send money, every minor thing they would expect money. Just this evening his sister called him to ask for money. We don't have a house of our own, I keep telling my husband to stop giving in to all their demands and invest the money on something, he would say I am turning him against his family.

We have 2 kids and I have told him we need to start saving for their future, I pay the electricity bill, foodstuffs, and most times the children school fees, he pays the house rent and rarely keeps money for home upkeep, he sometimes drops two thousand and that's it for the whole week. He always complains he has no more, but once his family calls him he sends money immediately.

I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property. I don't know what to deal with, his family entitlement mentality or the way he neglects the kids and I and treat us like outsiders.

I am really pissed off and tired.

Sorry for the long post.

well to solve this you got to be smart , I will suggest of you having a bet with him. Ask him to fake brokenness for 2 months to see how the brothers and sisters will react, of the react negatively he owes you 100k but if the react positively you owe him 100k. This moves is to wake him up to face reality but in a cunning way. God be with you

Dats bad

Anni3e:
I am not buying behind his back, I would tell him but I am not including his name. Do you know how many times I have told him to buy a land and start a project. He won't, he prefers spending all the money on his siblings.

How I wish we can hear from your husband. Because some of you married women wouldn't want to see your husband helping thier family members. Imagine the kind of names you are calling them�. Moreover, I don't think that your husband is a fool to spend carelessly on them.
I will advise you to be very careful with this matter. Are you telling me that you are not helping your family members secretly? You guys need to put heads together and plan for the well-being of your family.

ihutuluv:
This is the exact same issue I am currently facing. I really regret this marriage. Mine is so bad that they even share his clothes. How can you a married man, you youngest brother every little thing one excuse or the other can I use this cloth?
I feel more terrible because this young man has laboured for over ten years earning well with nothing attached to his name but training children that his parents gave birth to and can not raise. I am always scared because anything happens to him I also don't have savings because I have used everything to take care of the house while he is busy taking care of siblings.

When they tell you people to date and court even go dey form spirikoko. Now you will carry your cross gallantly

Anni3e:
I am buying the land and investing on myself and kids. Since he does whatever he wants with his money, I will also use my money however I want.

Okay ma.U are bitter.please calm down and look at it witout emotions

Men,

this is a testament to the fact that Men are only loved for what they can provide not really for who they are.

Op is worried about your spending, family want to suck you dry. while Op is complaining, there is another woman somewhere who is ensuring her man is spending al his money on her own extended family, leaving his family behind.

As men we need to do better, everyone wants a piece of you. secure you're our future as a man, after all said and done, children, wife, family that you are spending on today will leave you to yourself when you are old and grey.

@ Op: here in Africa, it's hard to disconnect form family, sometimes your extended family was responsible for your education, and now you are older, working and married. you are quick to discard them.

In Summary, @ Op, i think you need wisdom here. You are doing well to have saved up. If you can, buy the land in the name of your children, don't have your name or his name on it, that way all will see that its for the benefit of the future of your children.

Octopusssy:
Housekeeping money is 2k for a week. Is that transport fare to the market or something?

Women exaggerate things a lot. No well-to-do married man will feed his family with 2k per week. Read between the lines

pocohantas:
The problem with Nigerian women is that you guys talk too much. At the end, your men don’t listen to you.

They only call you nags, petty, accuse you of trying to separate their family...etc

Talk less and act more! I don’t have time to be talking nonsense with you every time. I calculate my moves and proceed. After that, I activate my sit-down-dey-look. If you wanna perish, you will perish alone.

TheArchangel:
Never you tell him not to give them or you will become a witch. This is the survival of the fittest and a battle of conscience.
You are on a very long road and if you can't keep up, then it's time for you to devise a means to get back at them.

Just pack your loads, go and stay with his siblings one after the other. If that's not possible, start calling them for assistance: for house rents today, feeding tomorrow and school fees next tomorrow. Take the fight back to them. Start with pathetic cries and excuses of hardships if you must. Emphasize on how broke he is and how he borrow to keep everything together. Feign ignorance of him giving them shi-shi. Ensure you commence this ordeal with the most vocal of them and then progress to the ones that begged and milked him dry the most.

Make sure you are very vocal about it. Whenever you received the 2k for the one week feeding, call one of them in your husband's presence and beg for more to make up. Milk them as dry as possible.

Cunny man die, cunny man bury am.

You kept quiet for too long instead of shitting back on them hard and fast, now you are having impacted feacal matter high up your rectum. You need a quick action ma'am.

Awesome, this is excellent, you are a good brother

Anni3e:
Shut up. I have two very rich brothers, I have never demanded from them, my family knows their boundary and don't interfere in each other's business.

My dear. I don't trade words with people without upbringing and common sense! If u are wise as u claim to, u will respect other people's views and opinion and not bore us with ur family issue on nairaland since u r madam know it all.
U av two very rich brothers and so what! So those without rich brothers like u should go to hell.
Such a very raz and wicked soul

You have coomon sense, When you have bought the land, let your siblings know about it, since he has failed has a father and husband. Build the house and become your own tenant so he can still pay else you will remain in the cycle, but be prepared in the future when he finds out, make him understand you had to plan for the family's future.

Anni3e:
Hi, I have been married for 9 years now, the problem I have with my husband is that his family members keep sucking him dry and the way he neglects us his immediate family.

He is the first child of 7 children, his siblings even the married ladies keep asking him for money. He keeps spending money on them and their husbands. His brothers keep crying they are broke, they keep leeching off him.

His two junior brothers that always ask him for money, one of them built a house in Port Harcourt and the other one built a big house in the village. Still they won't let him rest.

His married sisters are the worst. If they cough they would call him to send money, every minor thing they would expect money. Just this evening his sister called him to ask for money. We don't have a house of our own, I keep telling my husband to stop giving in to all their demands and invest the money on something, he would say I am turning him against his family.

We have 2 kids and I have told him we need to start saving for their future, I pay the electricity bill, foodstuffs, and most times the children school fees, he pays the house rent and rarely keeps money for home upkeep, he sometimes drops two thousand and that's it for the whole week. He always complains he has no more, but once his family calls him he sends money immediately.

I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property. I don't know what to deal with, his family entitlement mentality or the way he neglects the kids and I and treat us like outsiders.

I am really pissed off and tired.

Sorry for the long post.

DBestDoc:
I don't think it's peculiar to first sons. It just depends on the family and any of the kids can be picked out as the Donkey/victim. Especially, that one with a kind and selfless heart.

I dated a man with similar trait as the OP's husband and in his case, he was even the last son, hahaha. He sponsored both his older and younger siblings through school, was taking care of their families and at the time we were together, he had started sponsoring most of his Nephews and nieces through school.

At some point, i advised him to give his siblings some capital and encourage them to start some business so as to relieve the financial burden. He waved that off with the excuse that his people are not business inclined.

Oya, upgrade your educational qualifications na for better future opportunities now that you're single and have the wherewithal, Mr man said ok and after a few days he came back with the excuse of having too much family responsibilities to spare any cash for such. Apparently, one of his siblings he shared the idea with told him the program was expensive. I offered to 'loan' him the fees but he rejected the offer.

He easily ran out of cash for someone earning in 6 figures at that time. He wasn't married, no children he wasn't spending the money on me obviously but he was almost always broke. Most phone calls he received whenever we were together were money requests from family. Account will turn red immediately after pay day (i started thinking he'd been jazzed, i didn't know what else to think about. lol)

I got to understand that doing those things made him happy. That feeling of being the messiah of his family gave him some sort of satisfaction and fulfillment that nobody was allowed to deprive him of. He always confided in me that he's been there for his family since he was a boy.

The love i had for him turned to PITY and then to indifference. I saw a wonderful man with a very good heart but was non-progressive this, i couldn't deal with. His family didn't love him enough to advise him to help himself while helping them. He was a dead weight that i needed to offload. After analyzing the situation one day, i RAN without telling him why. No drama, no quarrel, i just ghosted him i didn't want another begging or convincing.

Red flags everywhere. It's important for young people to consider all these things before choosing a life partner. It never gets better and once you're in, you're in. Running was one of the best decisions i've made as a woman. Man is already 40 now unmarried, no kids. I just feel so sad for him because he's a nice person.

So sad!! O ma se o.

9 years? He won't change. Lady, you say you pay for everything, you don't need this kind of husband, you need to work and secure your kids future. Kick him out of your life and watch how he will beg to come back.

Anni3e:
I see you trying to bring feminism into this thread.
If you don't have anything better to say, kindly shut up.

Exaggerating your issues won't help you get the best advice here. It will only push you into doing what you've determined to do, which is buying a property in your name.

No one can convince me that all your husband, a well-to-do man, gives to you weekly for feeding is 2k since you got married.

Who fed the family while you were pregnant? Have you been working before you got married?

You need to be sincere with yourself, ma. If you dig deeply, you'll see that his contribution to the family is part of what you call "your savings."

I sabi una well well.

Anni3e:
I am not buying behind his back, I would tell him but I am not including his name. Do you know how many times I have told him to buy a land and start a project. He won't, he prefers spending all the money on his siblings.

I will support you on this if only to reset his brain to factory settings.
Im a victim of this kind of father. My own father lavished money that he could used to invest in properties and when he died early ,my mom was left to bear the brunt of his misguided selflessness.
The worst part is that some of these same relatives later conspired to deny us of some landed properties. And we have not benefited a kobo from almost all of them till date.

crackland:
In 2020, Nigerian women still don't want to share bills equally...they'd rather behave like their primitive fore-mothers.
They ought to take a cue and learn from women who are civilized.

Times have changed but they'd rather remain cave women.

I no even believe her story. Stuff seems exaggerated.

Anni3e:
Hi, I have been married for 9 years now, the problem I have with my husband is that his family members keep sucking him dry and the way he neglects us his immediate family.

He is the first child of 7 children, his siblings even the married ladies keep asking him for money. He keeps spending money on them and their husbands. His brothers keep crying they are broke, they keep leeching off him.

His two junior brothers that always ask him for money, one of them built a house in Port Harcourt and the other one built a big house in the village. Still they won't let him rest.

His married sisters are the worst. If they cough they would call him to send money, every minor thing they would expect money. Just this evening his sister called him to ask for money. We don't have a house of our own, I keep telling my husband to stop giving in to all their demands and invest the money on something, he would say I am turning him against his family.

We have 2 kids and I have told him we need to start saving for their future, I pay the electricity bill, foodstuffs, and most times the children school fees, he pays the house rent and rarely keeps money for home upkeep, he sometimes drops two thousand and that's it for the whole week. He always complains he has no more, but once his family calls him he sends money immediately.

I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property. I don't know what to deal with, his family entitlement mentality or the way he neglects the kids and I and treat us like outsiders.

I am really pissed off and tired.

Sorry for the long post.

Simply Stop. Don't pay any bills again. Don't caution him against giving to his siblings and see how things go.

STARGREEN:
"I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property."

This is obviously the reason for your lamentations.

did u read what she said?

Anni3e:
Hi, I have been married for 9 years now, the problem I have with my husband is that his family members keep sucking him dry and the way he neglects us his immediate family.

He is the first child of 7 children, his siblings even the married ladies keep asking him for money. He keeps spending money on them and their husbands. His brothers keep crying they are broke, they keep leeching off him.

His two junior brothers that always ask him for money, one of them built a house in Port Harcourt and the other one built a big house in the village. Still they won't let him rest.

His married sisters are the worst. If they cough they would call him to send money, every minor thing they would expect money. Just this evening his sister called him to ask for money. We don't have a house of our own, I keep telling my husband to stop giving in to all their demands and invest the money on something, he would say I am turning him against his family.

We have 2 kids and I have told him we need to start saving for their future, I pay the electricity bill, foodstuffs, and most times the children school fees, he pays the house rent and rarely keeps money for home upkeep, he sometimes drops two thousand and that's it for the whole week. He always complains he has no more, but once his family calls him he sends money immediately.

I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property. I don't know what to deal with, his family entitlement mentality or the way he neglects the kids and I and treat us like outsiders.

I am really pissed off and tired.

Sorry for the long post.

this is not long post,sorry madam, your husband no get sense!!!!! He's sending money to his siblings when he never build his own house, is he trying to impress his family? The last time I sent money to my younger sister who claim her child was ill, they call me the following morning to send money again to bail her from police detention because they were arrested at night club previous night. You see, as your husband was send money, they think he has enough, they will keep demanding, talk to your husband, he should pretend to be on silk bed for a while, and you start calling them for help, they will not disturb him again, in fact they will avoid him like ebola.

ibkayee:
Lol please show us where she indicated this

That's the summary of the issues my dear

Anni3e:
I am not buying behind his back, I would tell him but I am not including his name. Do you know how many times I have told him to buy a land and start a project. He won't, he prefers spending all the money on his siblings.

Only a silly man puts his extended family before his immediate family. When he dies, you and your kids wouldn't get a faden from his siblings....this has played out way too many times before.
Set up an education fund for your kids and put money aside for their education. Get the property and put it in your name or your kids cos his siblings will come even in death to collect what they can.
If he is willing to see the future he's creating for you and the kids, let him feign a serious sickness that requires money from his siblings and see how they'd leave him in the lurch.

bukatyne:
Instead of telling your husband to stop 'spending on his family', point him to projects he can spend money on.

E.g. 'My friend said there is one cheap land at Igbo Tutu' or 'how I wish we had our house, we wouldn't be bothered about Baba Mulika asking for rent every year' or 'there is one mutual funds that the entry is N200k and you get 15% returns per year. We can be paying Junior's fees from the interest'. You can also bring up investment for your kids etc.

You know what works with your husband so explore that. Also appreciate him for what he does so far.

@buying your land: I am not a fan of spouses buying stuffs behind each other so I will say deposit the money in mutual benefit/Chapel Hill/Piggybank for now while you try to make him see reason. I particularly don't like the fact you want only your name on the land; recipe for disaster as your husband is not hiding his own funds; he is just not spending it wisely.

You should also understand where your husband is coming from: in some cultures, the 'worth' of the first son/husband of the first daughter is their ability to fund everyone's lifestyle without complaint while their own immediate family suffers.

It is a recurring theme so you re-orientate him in love and harmony to see that his family can and will survive without his handouts.

Also note that if he goes 360 and stops funding his siblings, it can cause problems for you'all.

If I can get married to a woman as sensible as you're, I'd be fulfilled.

Don't tell him about your land yet please


You have every reason to be upset with him.


Try having a heart to heart talk about how your mates not his siblings are in their houses .

You need to find ways of making him drop for the family upkeep.


Stylishly reduce what you do.


Don't let your anger at his siblings show .


May God give you the wisdom to know how to bring him back to his senses.

You have tried despite his silly behaviour.

God will bless you to build your house.


Don't include his name on that land else his siblings can do the worst if he dies early.

hennylove:
My story is similar to yours. The truth is when you start assisting them financially they leave everything to you and concentrate on their family in my own case he is the last born but likes to break his neck for his family. Some times it's even my money that he sends to them while he is the only tenant among them. This year I decided to start investing and saving for myself. Let him do most of those things and assist only when you can. Do you know that it got to a point that he doesn't know our children's school fees. I just had to withdraw and let him do his thing.

U share bills, u don't withdraw totally, u husband must be a good man. Some men lyk my neighbor una go call everybody for area to settle una. U self go de ashamed

Omolego:
Hmmmm, this deep, m still single ,I don't know what to advice , but your story looks like my mum's aunts own.
My mama always gist me how smart the woman became, she always beg her husband to build even if its a 1 bedroom but he preferred building for his family siblings and all that in guise of family first then his, and say the siblings trained him ,& he was a big man, he would do all of his own at convenient,
When the woman got tired & knew her husband won't change, she started stealing his money and finding avenues to take from him without knowing/she took a dangerous leap and built her house (upstairs, & it was their children names that where in all the properties) without him knowing , it got to a point she said they should relocate to one of her houses she built ,(and she was working too then), & they lived in a big way, changed the children school and Lied on the school fees .she was taking house rent and extra from skol fees and other tenancy rate. Without even her own extended family knowing but she told her grown up kids, they knew how their dad settled his siblings & parents first, when he retired and was paid , he use almost 80% to tend to family and by the time the woman she found out, had to find a way to take the remaining 20%,

In conclusion when his family turned their backs on him and said they didn't send him message ooo, he went back to cry and he realised at old age nothing to be done, no work, well d wife confessed to him and surprisingly he was happy she dealt with him that way, he didn't take offence and even apologised to his wife and kids and her niece who suffered and endured his foolishness when he was agile.

In conclusion:- you alone knows what works for you, apply wisdom and pls pray to Jehovah God, as I said earlier it was a story i heard,and I never met her, she was my great aunt & men then in those days where mild at character,.. But reading your story reminded me of my childhood stories abt her and I smiled, #memories of an happy childhood

mehn this script sweet o

If it was the other way around, I'm sure you wouldn't have complained.

We know your likes madam��

Anni3e:
I have made up my mind, just if anything happens I want to have something to fall back on. When he nearly went broke in 2014, none of his brothers helped him, they all claimed broke still he doesn't want to learn . He won't listen to any advice, if I leave things to him, one day we might end up on the streets.

Please dont include him in whatever properties that you acquired with your sweaty.

God forbid that he drops dead . His family will come hard on you that you kill their son so you must leave the house which you build with your sweat .

Look at some wealthy families in Nigeria. Those who started out poor, lifted themselves out of poverty by helping each family member. i guess its an African thing, to want to support the family. i think its what makes us tick as a people. I am successful in part today because my elder brother raised me through school. but he does not do it at the detriment of his family. I guess men need to learn how to balance, for in it is the secret to peace of mind.

Aboki99:
Maam allow your husband be! Givers never lack. Btw, it is typical of you women to grow jealous of us helping our family. Will you have complained if he was being so generous to your own family members? If you will not, then you have no moral high ground to do so now. His family is crucial to him. While he can change u as his wife, he can never change his papa and mama or siblings. If this ur husband were to die, you'll marry another man while his family will mourn him for eternity. Receive wisdom ma.

De husband is not a wise man. B4 marriage one needs marriage counseling from an experience man. If u send money to ur parents or siblings never let ur wife know all. If u send 10k tell her 2k. Bcus women are naturally wicked n jealous. Buh try send 100k for him people she no go complain at all at all. She go praise u.
Even my mama de send plenty money give him people my papa no de know.na woman lyfstyle be dat