Aiyaya, see hidden comments
I can't even follow up and read up all the contributions

Mstick:
@sassysure you're 100% right. Am sure in this our macho nairaland world the husbands will be called simps but if we're very honest with ourselves in Nigeria several men are taking care of kids their wives birthed with other men.

Even one that's very obvious the girl isn't his child because she's mixed race but he has been the one looking after her from the word go and they had other kids after her.

The actress Nadia buari is in the same boat.

Let's keep ranting online.

Nadia buari is married o and have four kids.

At topic, honestly, this place is very toxic. What I see here can destroy families, relationships etc. No room for second chance, being objective. Everything is so self centered. The characteristic that's has destroyed Nigeria and we don't know that yet.

It's always women versus men instead of voice of reason.
Honestly, I pity the small children that visit this place. They will swallow everything they read here and self explode

pDudd:


Lol. You know say I must get mouth for the matter.

Very simple, it has to do with returns on investment. We Africans believe that children are investments that will yield returns in our old age.

Investing in another man's child is synonymous with throwing away your resources in the dustbin because such a child isn't yours and therefore will not yield investments to you but towards his biological father. And BTW, Everytime you look at that child, you will be reminded of the woman's infidelity. And the more you are reminded of it, the more you will keep growing in hate.

So in a nutshell, such a child is not a profitable investment to a man.

Daz all.

Thank you. I called you because I know you as someone who despite the fact you live in a western country, you still have very African values.

Thanks for your contribution

Mstick:
This is a picture of her father.

I thought u mean Nadia and her kids.
I get you now.

I didn't know much about her upbringing sha

Romangalactic:

Thanks for this analysis dear. You have opened my eyes to another angle that has nothing to do with finance and this family tree (DNA) disruption in a patrillineal society like Nigeria is very valid.

sassysure:

Actually, i have thought deep about this case. Yes, the child is acceptable to the family if the man decides otherwise in my place.
The same way children born out of wedlock solely belong to the woman irrespective of who the father is. The family opposite my house in the village had a case like this.
They had 4 kids. Then wifey got pregnant like 12 yrs after the last. News started flying around. Wifey had before stopped the husband from touching her but has a secret boyfriend. So when she got pregnant, she came to her husband but his brothers are already aware and told the man toreject her advances. She was exposed but the man refused to divorce her. She gave birth to a very beautiful baby girl. This man loved this girl more than all his kids. The father is from.the neborhood but has no claim on that child as long as the man is still married to the woman. Actually, as long as you are married, any child you have while married irrespective of who the father is belong to the husband.

We don't reject children at all and we quickly integrate them into the family.
Anybody reading this and say yes will know where i came from instantly.
I dont know how other parts of my tribe does theirs.

The first post I made is a general post but I have narrowed it down to how it is done in my place

A man who gives a woman belle married or not don't get to get ownership of that child. The only exception is when she is still single and the man marry her with the belle. Weird and funny at the same time.
Our tradition and culture protects the female more than the male and we are in Nigeria

I am aware of this culture in Igbo land and it is been referenced a lot of here.

I believe this throws another dimension (cultural) to the discussion because I know divorce/separation seems least embraced in Igbo land.

pDudd:


Lol. You know say I must get mouth for the matter.

Very simple, it has to do with returns on investment. We Africans believe that children are investments that will yield returns in our old age.

Investing in another man's child is synonymous with throwing away your resources in the dustbin because such a child isn't yours and therefore will not yield investments to you but towards his biological father. And BTW, Everytime you look at that child, you will be reminded of the woman's infidelity. And the more you are reminded of it, the more you will keep growing in hate.

So in a nutshell, such a child is not a profitable investment to a man.

Daz all.

U are actually wrong. You only know about your tribe and not other hundreds of tribe littered in the continent, Africa.
I'm igbo and anambra precisely from awka senatorial zone.
Our laws forbids that. The same way it forbids a man who gives a young maiden belle to waltz in to claim the child anytime he want.
I grew up with this law and unless they abolish that today, it's still in place.
So don't rope all in one basket.

In abiriba, abia state, it's the wives family that marry off their sisters daughter. Is this the norm, no but it's the practice over there. I have been to one and even though we found it weird, it's still their cultural practice and we respected that.

Imagine roping Egypt and Nigeria as the same culturally or even south Africa.

sassysure:

U are actually wrong. You only know about your tribe and not other hundreds of tribe littered in the continent, Africa.
I'm igbo and anambra precisely from awka senatorial zone.
Our laws forbids that. The same way it forbids a man who gives a young maiden belle to waltz in to claim the child anytime he want.
I grew up with this law and unless they abolish that today, it's still in place.
So don't rope all in one basket.

In abiriba, abia state, it's the wives family that marry off their sisters daughter. Is this the norm, no but it's the practice over there. I have been to one and even though we found it weird, it's still their cultural practice and we respected that.

Imagine roping Egypt and Nigeria as the same culturally or even south Africa.

@bold:

In Yoruba land, once a guy claims a child, the baby is accepted by all and sundry in the guy's family and position of the babymama 'elevated.'

Ti obirin ba ti bimo fun eni, o ti koja ale eni.

Once a woman has your child, she is now more than your concubine.

Romangalactic:
Aiyaya, see hidden comments
I can't even follow up and read up all the contributions

Are you from Akwa Ibom?

doitforyou:

Lol so how does it work?? You bring in a nanny to only care for your love child while your wife attends to other children, while living under one roof??

Or if you mean paying the mother or a caregiver to take care of your child outside the home you share with your wife, then that’s different. lol then everybody raise their love children outside the home. Weirdos.

I'll raise my love child in my house.. if the wife has a problem with it.. she should pack and go.. its a choice ahe has to make.. a wife is only a wife.. cant give me conditions in my own house

bukatyne:


I am aware of this culture in Igbo land and it is been referenced a lot of here.

I believe this throws another dimension (cultural) to the discussion because I know divorce/separation seems least embraced in Igbo land.

I don't know about other parts of igboland o in my side, this is a no go area. Also, we hardly divorce. Actually, we don't divorce. Its the family that will divorce you guys traditionally when your case is extreme e.g., u are a killer, u panel beat your spouse etc, they always have your medicine no matter how bad and far gone you are. If it's a man who panel beat his wife, her people or his people will give him a dose of his medicine and her family will take their daughter and kids away from him. U are forbidden from marrying again. And u will be heavily fined. If u have repented and your conduct is accepted by all and sundry, u will start wooing your wife afresh. All through the time she is with her people, u will never fail in your obligations to your family. And if the women came for your case, sorry will be your last name.

It's working for them actually. Help in keeping the execcess of spouses in check.

bukatyne:


I am struggling to understand how your post is in any way connected to mine.

First, I did not mention money in my post; it was very deliberate.
Second, I stated why love children from men are different from love children from women.

By now, you should realize I don't argue theories from thin air or to be woke online.

I have not seen a woman confess about a love child (not one bore before marriage) before. It is either she pins the baby on the husband or aborts it.

Let's even go with your scenario and say a woman confesses a love child while the husband is away for a period of time.

Except you want to be funny, you will acknowledge that the effect of pregnancy on a woman is different from a man.

If the man is back home before she delivers, who will care for her? After she births the baby, who will bear the emotional cost of catering for her and the new born? Who would come to do Omugwo? In which house? Where would the wife nurse the babe? Now talk of the wife getting her body back in shape. Imagine the lover's child left stretch marks on her tummy. So the husband would bear the new body his wife acquired carrying the child of a lover?

Please come back to earth.

As long as a woman bears the responsibility of pregnancy and infant child care, a wife getting pregnant out of an affair WILL ALWAYS BE DIFFERENT from a husband getting a woman pregnant.

Each gender have their 'peculiarities.'

I couldn't have explained this any better than you.

sassysure:

I don't know about other parts of igboland o in my side, this is a no go area. Also, we hardly divorce. Actually, we don't divorce. Its the family that will divorce you guys traditionally when your case is extreme e.g., u are a killer, u panel beat your spouse etc, they always have your medicine no matter how bad and far gone you are. If it's a man who panel beat his wife, her people or his people will give him a dose of his medicine and her family will take their daughter and kids away from him. U are forbidden from marrying again. And u will be heavily fined. If u have repented and your conduct is accepted by all and sundry, u will start wooing your wife afresh. All through the time she is with her people, u will never fail in your obligations to your family. And if the women came for your case, sorry will be your last name.

It's working for them actually. Help in keeping the execcess of spouses in check.

@bold:

Interesting.

While I think a some of our cultural beliefs and practices need total overhaul, the good ones should be fine-tuned to fit today.

Nice one.

When a person knows marriage is permanent, they choose with more intention and behave well in the marriage.

How is adultery treated generally? Apart from the love child.

Richy4:
OP, I was shocked when I read where u said that any woman can be paid to perform the role of a mother ... a lady doing her job as a nanny is different from a mother that was emotionally attached to their kids..

Just do a little research on kids who doesn't know their mother, who had all the comforts that money can buy.. but one thing is missing...

U think throwing cash around to hire a world class nanny would replace a mother's love?. . It doesn't work that way..

I understand what you meant when you said some men can't stand the idea of taking care of another man's child but.. but things are a bit different now. Some % of men won't mind

actually any one can be paid to play the role of a mother.. there are kids who love thier nannies and can cry hell the day their nannies doesnt show up.. any woman can show love to kids.. you can actually buy a mother figure with money... how on earth would you buy a father?

So a nanny that cooks, feeds, bathes the kids.. how do you think kids see her?..

bukatyne:


Are you from Akwa Ibom?

No, I just like how it sounds. Apostle Johnson Suleiman also uses the expression a lot when preaching

Romangalactic:

No, I just like how it sounds. Apostle Johnson Suleiman also uses the expression a lot when preaching

Ok, it means beautiful / beauty.

Jullima:

Looolll so when a man has a child outside his own child is not a ‘bastar**d’ but a woman’s outside child is a ‘bastar***d’??

Also, so you’re saying children with different father but same mother aren’t siblings but children with same father but different mother are siblings??

If the mother drops her outside child with the father is she still welcomed in the marriage?

Lmfao

Is there such a woman Because this is even the best solution, just as men do with theirs.

bukatyne:


@bold:

In Yoruba land, once a guy claims a child, the baby is accepted by all and sundry in the guy's family and position of the babymama 'elevated.'

Ti obirin ba ti bimo fun eni, o ti koja ale eni.

Once a woman has your child, she is now more than your concubine.

That's the culture in yorubaland and I can't fault it at all.
I respect people's culture a lot.

We don't do like that. When u here of sperm donor, come to my side. So men are wise, either u wear raincoat or u rush and marry her before she born. It was so bad before, if the family is aware she is preganat, even if u marry her, that child isn't yours. We have one in my family.
The mum don't like the babe and she took in, her people got to know, finally marriage happened. She gave birth. Lived with them as first son until he became an adult and they told him he don't belong to my family. Crazy tradition.

A man who is not fertile will allow another man to father his kids and those kids are his legally.

A family that has only female daughters may get male children from one of the daughters before she marry even if its her present husband as her boyfriend who impregnated her
As long as he didn't marry her till she give birth, voila, child belongs to her family.

rockstarB:

Money isn't enough. And my stance still remains that it is easier for a man to raise his love child outside marriage than a woman, and this is the reason a woman will pin the child on the man in the first instance.
...a man gets a woman pregnant outside marriage
...he tells his wife about it and she insist on not being a part of the babys life, neither does she wants the child in their home.
...the man gets back to his babymama and raises the child outside his home.

Let's assume the same scenario for a woman
...she gets pregnant for a man outside her marriage.
...tells her husband about it and he insist on not being a part of the babys life, neither does he want the child in their home.
...the woman gets back to the baby daddy... realistically if this happens, who is in a more favourable situation to raise a love child outside a marriage? A marriage in which the other partner doesnt want to be a part of the baby's life.
Infidelity is bad, but the result of a love child isn't same for a man and woman.
Neither of the partner should be forced into being a part of a love babys life, like you said it could be traumatizing and also lack of emotional preparedness.

This is a question I should have included in my first post to put the whole thing into perspective and I hope to see answers to it. You understand completely.

bukatyne:


@bold:

Interesting.

While I think a some of our cultural beliefs and practices need total overhaul, the good ones should be fine-tuned to fit today.

Nice one.

When a person knows marriage is permanent, they choose with more intention and behave well in the marriage.

How is adultery treated generally? Apart from the love child.

Most women will sit on it as long as the man is still performing his husband and fatherly duties.
Generally, they don't care much.
I will give you an example, a woman who lost her husband and is still young needs a man. Some women who are friends with such ladies lease out their husbands,they can even continue having kids through such arrangements. But it's mostly with women who are alone and without any man. The wife will come for your head if its a fellow married woman like her or a young girl.
And may take you to kinsmen court. Court ùmùnna.

For a married woman, it's a no no, unless your husband can't perform again, u will show respect by going outside and be discreet about it.
If you as a woman is floriking and at a point get pregnant, they usually pass it off as the husbands since t makes no difference as the child belongs to the man anyway but u will be heavily punished, even send home to your people at a point.
Like that example I gave, that man paid for all the anti whatever, cs etc, the husband people made sure he parted with enough cash yet the child wasn't his. That girl will.pass him.on the street and simply greet him like every other person.
City lives have corrupted the culture a lot but still in the city, some of their activities are monitored. There is always town people to treat your fukk up if your spouse complain

Acidosis:

Are you asking whether I can accept a bastard and a cheating mother/wife? Are you normal @OP?

This is a very stup!d question to be honest.

Why won't you accept it in comparison to why it's easier for a woman to accept it? This is the purpose of the thread and not the question of just accepting it itself.

It's the why.

Romangalactic:

Is there such a woman Because this is even the best solution, just as men do with theirs.

I wonder. How many women will drop their baby with the wife of man?

ibkayee:

I'm not focusing on debating which one is 'easier'

There's a difference between it being easier and 'acceptable', OP claimed that the man has the right to bring the child in just because he has money. The entitlement and double standard agenda is clear, the fact that he dismissed the importance of the role of the mother was the cherry on top

If you take a moment to move past my word choices & sentences and maybe just try to explain why it's easier for women to accept a lovechild as opposed to men, you will begin to see what the OP is about.

Forget about me using finances as my reason. Lots of other people have brought up other reasons besides finance but you're stuck on my word arrangement.

Romangalactic:

Why won't you accept it in comparison to why it's easier for a woman to accept it? This is the purpose of the thread and not the question of just accepting it itself.

It's the why.

It's easier for a woman to ACCEPT because it's easier for a love child of her husband to be raised by the babymama outside their marriage. Except shes snooping around, she might not even get to know the child like that.
ACCEPTANCE is different from TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CHILD.
E.g I accept that my husband has a love child outside, even tho I am not responsible for the child.
Now reverse the scenario for a woman.
It is easier for the husband to trust his babymama to care for her own child, way better than his wife would.

sassysure:

Actually, i have thought deep about this case. Yes, the child is acceptable to the family if the man decides otherwise in my place.
The same way children born out of wedlock solely belong to the woman irrespective of who the father is. The family opposite my house in the village had a case like this.
They had 4 kids. Then wifey got pregnant like 12 yrs after the last. News started flying around. Wifey had before stopped the husband from touching her but has a secret boyfriend. So when she got pregnant, she came to her husband but his brothers are already aware and told the man toreject her advances. She was exposed but the man refused to divorce her. She gave birth to a very beautiful baby girl. This man loved this girl more than all his kids. The father is from.the neborhood but has no claim on that child as long as the man is still married to the woman. Actually, as long as you are married, any child you have while married irrespective of who the father is belong to the husband.

We don't reject children at all and we quickly integrate them into the family.
Anybody reading this and say yes will know where i came from instantly.
I dont know how other parts of my tribe does theirs.

The first post I made is a general post but I have narrowed it down to how it is done in my place

A man who gives a woman belle married or not don't get to get ownership of that child. The only exception is when she is still single and the man marry her with the belle. Weird and funny at the same time.
Our tradition and culture protects the female more than the male and we are in Nigeria

And all of that is contingent on the man accepting the child, is it not?

If that man had refused to accept the child, will his kinsmen force it on him?

Romangalactic:

This is a question I should have included in my first post to put the whole thing into perspective and I hope to see answers to it. You understand completely.

You can edit your post before it gets to front page

sassysure:

I don't know about other parts of igboland o in my side, this is a no go area. Also, we hardly divorce. Actually, we don't divorce. Its the family that will divorce you guys traditionally when your case is extreme e.g., u are a killer, u panel beat your spouse etc, they always have your medicine no matter how bad and far gone you are. If it's a man who panel beat his wife, her people or his people will give him a dose of his medicine and her family will take their daughter and kids away from him. U are forbidden from marrying again. And u will be heavily fined. If u have repented and your conduct is accepted by all and sundry, u will start wooing your wife afresh. All through the time she is with her people, u will never fail in your obligations to your family. And if the women came for your case, sorry will be your last name.

It's working for them actually. Help in keeping the execcess of spouses in check.

Which part of Igbo land are you from please?

Romangalactic:

And all of that is contingent on the man accepting the child, is it not?

If that man had refused to accept the child, will his kinsmen force it on him?

It's the tradition actually.
He has to accept the child but he can send the wife home. Normally, cases like this are resolved. Wife will eventually come back. Her people will come and beg. Serious begging and appeasing.
We have received kids from asaba into our extended family. The father, a married man with 5 kids live in Germany while his kids and wife are in the village. I don't know if he is aware of those kids before or not.
A boy and a girl. The wife just accepted the kids as hers. They came at age 7 and 10 and they call the wife mummy like her children yet they still have their mummy in asaba. They go on school holiday to stay with their mum and her family. So as the wife accepted those kids, a man should accept such from his wife also though it's not a frequent occurance.

rockstarB:

You can edit your post before it gets to front page

I have done so

sassysure:

It's the tradition actually.
He has to accept the child but he can send the wife home. Normally, cases like this are resolved. Wife will eventually come back. Her people will come and beg. Serious begging and appeasing.
We have received kids from asaba into our extended family. The father, a married man with 5 kids live in Germany while his kids and wife are in the village. I don't know if he is aware of those kids before or not.
A boy and a girl. The wife just accepted the kids as hers. They came at age 7 and 10 and they call the wife mummy like her children yet they still have their mummy in asaba. They go on school holiday to stay with their mum and her family. So as the wife accepted those kids, a man should accept such from his wife also though it's not a frequent occurance.

Wow, you're saying the man must accept his wife's lovechild I have never heard of it before. Which part of Igbo are you from