₦airaland Forum

Even with house helps, these things still persisted like that for many. Actually, men are also a lot overwhelmed out there in the field. It is unimaginable what some men have to go through to provide for the same wives we are talking about. If a man stops getting sex and accompanying sexual excitement from the marriage, it's more like the woman has reneged on her part of the marriage contract. Or worse still, she scammed the man into fulfilling her dream of having a home. Many middle-income households can afford live-in house helps and yet the women are still de-prioritizing sex. I could imagine that sex with a man's baby mama hits better than with a wife.

CalliDora1:

Na food?

On a more serious note though, I think what usually causes it is, the woman is most times overwhelmed with the wifely duties at the homefront. in the process she's expended therefore sex will be the last thing on her mind as the passion for it will have died from exaustion from doing chores. If you observed, it usually happens after the kids have started coming and the workload has increased.

If the man can make arrangements for a house help ( not necessarily a live-in help) to assist with the chores, the woman will be more relaxed to reason sex as it's only a relaxed mind that can get a woman in the mood .

bizme:
Even with house helps, these things still persisted like that for many. Actually, men are also a lot overwhelmed out there in the field. It is unimaginable what some men have to go through to provide for the same wives we are talking about. If a man stops getting sex and accompanying sexual excitement from the marriage, it's more like the woman has reneged on her part of the marriage contract. Or worse still, she scammed the man into fulfilling her dream of having a home. Many middle-income households can afford live-in house helps and yet the women are still de-prioritizing sex. I could imagine that sex with a man's baby mama hits better than with a wife.

.

Then maybe the man is not sweet enough or he doesn't know how to do it. Some men will stress you out during the exercise that you won't look forward to it again. I guess this could be the case if its not the former.

Some men need to work and improve on their bedmatic skills so the woman can look forward to doing the do with them anytime.

Get down from your high horse guy. Where did you read in my post that I seek help? A simple open-ended question you have already developed a messianic complex. And yes you made some interesting points, that's how far it went. Yes again I reserve the right (as do others) not to view your idea of polygamy as a constructive solution especially since you don't practice that which you are preaching here.

RisenPhoenix1:
2.) You do not have to be a practising anything to study the concept and see whether it works. Both my grandfather's were practising polygamists. We spent practically all our holidays in their homes in Nigeria. I saw first hand how polygamy worked. That is why I'm an ardent supporter.
3.) Perhaps you did not comprehend my point. I never said polygamy meams a man is strong, or that it is an answer to feminism. I said that feminists; both male and female; dislike polygamy because it's a leveller. It takes away the female monopoly on marital sex. In order to take away the inclination of a man to be polygamous, the narrative was spread that the only advantage of 'uncivilzed' polygamy lay in the need to have many children to work on farms; or that it was only engaged in by barbaric, lecherous men. In reality, agriculture or lust were never the only, or even the main, objectives behind polygamy. The rest of your remonstration I cannot make head or tail of.
4.) Once more, you may choose to believe or not. You are the one seeking help. When you've finished trying to convince your wife to give you more sex, you will remember what I said. That will be my final victory. Either you will toe my path and become polygamous, have sex with other women (which is like polygamy, but in a craven way), buy a sex doll and hide it from your wife, or hide from your wife and pleasure yourself. It's your choice.

But one thing I'm sure of is that you ain't getting more from her while she's the only one.

And yes I'm qualified. I grew up in two polygamous homes. The kind of true respect that my two grandfathers had from their wives up until the day they died, no man can hope to even come near today. One of the women is still alive today and she talks about him misty eyed, to this day.

Marriage is truly complicated.

bukatyne:
@OP:

Plenty reasons jare.

A win situation for the husband is polygamy or open adultery;

A win situation for the wife is a husband who adores her and provides a lot of help;

A win situation for both is a wife respecting a husband who adores her and provides a lot of help.

Can we keep the maturity in this thread please. This isn't another men-versus-women fight, or the so-called redpiller or feminist tug-of-war, which I have often found unnecessarily hypothetical. This one is the reality for different couples. Thanks.

nahzyla:
You have the most sensible submission on this thread.
You and zainabicy


@bolded part, unfortunately they don't care about creating toxicity and harmful environment for their kids. Many men reason so selfishly.

You have made very important points. Personally I think getting house helps is a vital aspect of the domestic life. Some of us don't mind spending time doing chores around the house and in the kitchen... (I prepare more delicious dishes than my dearest :-) ) However, there reality is that oftentimes the man's (woman's too) time is likely much more valuable outside the house... This is why I don't get it when some men that I have met don't like the idea of taking house helps citing their own mothers as an example of why a wife should do fine without help. Well, many of those mothers were very sad creatures and would have preferred more humane treatment.

I think what I have noticed is that after marriage the man and the woman stop dating each other. They took things for granted, no special outings...just church services together. I also think that sex is deeply mental, and that it is these dating/chasing rituals that develop the sexual tension and excitement in each other. Take it away and it turns a routine. I don't accept polygamy as a solution: many who keep preaching it as a demonstration of their manliness don't even practise it. The last time I checked polygamy is still well practiced in Nigeria and no one stops anyone from going that direction in the first place: that is, the so-called Western indoctrination doesn't force anyone not to. It is however interesting how these pro-polygamy men get furious whenever a man messes up their own daughters.

Hathor5:
Not so much after marriage as after pregnancy/child birth. The woman sacrifices her body to bring a child into this world. During pregnancy, even if there are no complications, the body is not fully hers. After delivery she needs to recover. Her hormones are out of balance, there are injuries down there. She is also breast feeding. Imagine someone sucking on your nipples several times a day. She also needs to carry the baby around, cuddle it, put up with the babies saliva and vomit. Every day, for months. Then another child is born and the two of them are all over her all day long. In the evening the husband wants to claim her body too. It's not easy.

Many women love sex too. Don't be deceived by people on this forum who want to tell you that women are all in it for the money. Our clitoris is much more sensitive than the penis. We can have multiple orgasms. We are capable of enjoying sex and a man's strong arms and shoulders can take us to heaven but nursing a baby and having toddlers all over us takes a toll.

If you want to be polygamous, find women who agree to it and go for it but if you do it to manipulate your wives and have them compete over you, know that you are creating a toxic family.

While it's good to help with chores, shopping and what not, having someone (family, nannies, daycare) free us from the little terrorists is a great relief.

Sadly, I completely agree with you. What we often call sex usually ends up being no better than an empty boast. I have noticed that our men often emphasize hard-smashing as if good sex is something that results from traumatizing the lady with just your muscularity as a man. Most often than not, the woman simply produces fake sound and waits for you to offload your content... Then the nightmare is over. The same one can say of our women too who are not open to experiments.

But beyond these, I think attraction has to be maintained in the first place. That may be where the trick is.

CalliDora1:
.

Then maybe the man is not sweet enough or he doesn't know how to do it. Some men will stress you out during the exercise that you won't look forward to it again. I guess this could be the case if its not the former.

Some men need to work and improve on their bedmatic skills so the woman can look forward to doing the do with them anytime.

bizme:
Sadly, I completely agree with you. What we often call sex usually ends up being no better than an empty boast. I have noticed that our men often emphasize hard-smashing as if good sex is something that results from traumatizing the lady with just your muscularity as a man. Most often than not, the woman simply produces fake sound and waits for you to offload your content... Then the nightmare is over. The same one can say of our women too who are not open to experiments.

But beyond these, I think attraction has to be maintained in the first place. That may be where the trick is.

Exactly.

bizme:
Get down from your high horse guy. Where did you read in my post that I seek help? A simple open-headed question you have already developed a messianic complex. And yes you made some interesting points, that's how far it went. Yes again I reserve the right (as do others) not to view your idea of polygamy as a constructive solution especially since you don't practice that which you are preaching here.

Ok. Please yourself. I guess I can see where this is going already.

Just for the record, and in line with my messianic complex, the term used is open ended question, not open headed.

RisenPhoenix1:
Ok. Please yourself. I guess I can see where this is going already.

Just for the record, and in line with my messianic complex, the term used is open ended question, not open headed.

If you talk to him about it from today till tomorrow, he won't get it. That's because he is hell-bent on getting a solution that caters to monogamous relationships alone. The solution you proffered works. Let him seek that which will work for monogamists.

The main reason behind the dip in sex drive in married women is commitment. Women can get sex from most men, but they can't get commitment that easy. You saying "I do" to a woman means you've given her all the assurance she needs. It is the reason why women in sexual relationships have more sex drive than women in marriage. One hasn't gotten the "ultimate" commitment yet, while the other has it.

Thanks for the correction.

RisenPhoenix1:
Ok. Please yourself. I guess I can see where this is going already.

Just for the record, and in line with my messianic complex, the term used is open ended question, not open headed.

True talk you be better pikin Aje

RisenPhoenix1:
Women use sex to buy love. Men use love to buy sex. Like any economic transaction each party is looking to find a bargain, i.e. spend the minimum amount of their currency to purchase the maximum amount of the service they need. So once women have gotten the man's commitment, they will thereafter spend as little sex as is necessary to keep him from straying to another market. Whereas, once a man has acquired the woman's sexual favours, he will spend the minimum amount of love and commitment to keep her from withholding them. The best solution is to marry more than one wife. Thereafter, they can share the sexual burden among themselves, and the man can pretend to love all of them equally and share a little of his attention among each of them; satisfying all parties involved.

Factoid of life. Free of charge for you.

bizme:
I am aware this might not be the experience of every couple but the many couple I have interacted with, the story is pretty much the same: the wife losing interest in sex once she gets married to the man and especially once children start coming. For certain couples it isn't as obvious as that, the wife simply approaches sex as a mechanical function that she needs to get over with and perhaps do something else. Why do you think this is so? Can one say it's because once married the woman feels socially secured and doesn't need to put in any effort to win the man? Or does it have anything to do with changing biology?

May be she is fukking some other dude?

Hathor5:
Not so much after marriage as after pregnancy/child birth. The woman sacrifices her body to bring a child into this world. During pregnancy, even if there are no complications, the body is not fully hers. After delivery she needs to recover. Her hormones are out of balance, there are injuries down there. She is also breast feeding. Imagine someone sucking on your nipples several times a day. She also needs to carry the baby around, cuddle it, put up with the babies saliva and vomit. Every day, for months. Then another child is born and the two of them are all over her all day long. In the evening the husband wants to claim her body too. It's not easy.

Many women love sex too. Don't be deceived by people on this forum who want to tell you that women are all in it for the money. Our clitoris is much more sensitive than the penis. We can have multiple orgasms. We are capable of enjoying sex and a man's strong arms and shoulders can take us to heaven but nursing a baby and having toddlers all over us takes a toll.

If you want to be polygamous, find women who agree to it and go for it but if you do it to manipulate your wives and have them compete over you, know that you are creating a toxic family.

While it's good to help with chores, shopping and what not, having someone (family, nannies, daycare) free us from the little terrorists is a great relief.

beautifully written dear.

bukatyne:
Goodluck.

I put best case scenario for all parties.

They can be outsourced with you paying if you are alapa ma sise aka alapa stainless or have 50 shoulder pads in your coat.

[s]

RisenPhoenix1:
With polygamy, there would be rivalry. Each woman would double up on her efforts to keep more of their mutual husband's attention. There will also always be a nagging feeling that another wife is getting more sex than her, and this will trigger the wife to try to get even more from the husband (keeping a greater share of the market so to speak). Finally, a woman always finds a man infinitely more attractive when he is not readily available to her beck and call; and it also triggers their possessiveness when other available females find him attractive. All these complexities will work in his favour.

A woman in a female herd does not think the same way as a woman with exclusive attention to a man. Polygamy is a woman leveller and destroys all their transactional techniques; that is why women hate it. It is like the difference between a customer's options in a monopoly and in a free market; the man being the customer in this case.

[/s]

RisenPhoenix1:
1.) Yes.
2.) In the works. I have one or two options currently lined up. I have to make sure my choice is the right one. I don't like divorce.
3.) Polygamy is not about any of those things. That was a myth perpetuated to justify the abandonment of polygamy in an increasingly feminist world. And by the way, your theory on female circumcision does not hold water. If anything, circumcised women should have had even less desire for sex than women of today, physiologically speaking; but like I said, that is not even a factor at all.
4.) Observation, and it's not an opinion. It's established fact. Our grandfathers showed that. But like I said, it is not by force, you can go ahead and try talking communication instead. I wish you luck.

Seeing this comment, I now understand why your mind and level of thinking is skewed, and the type of human you are,

I apologise for making you see logical reasons in the few back and forth I've had with you, didnt know you are a certain irredeemable kind

God bless your wife, she dey try.

bizme:
Marriage is truly complicated.

Complicated?

More like intentional.

And people have to know their spouses.

Some men truly do not like sexually adventurous wives; they would seek adventure from lovers.

Some women hold their husbands to ransome because they know he won't cheat.

Some men/women are frigid, some believe sex is for only pro-creation; some have had sex with so many partners pre-marriage that they have seen it finish; some no longer see the need to campaign after election; some do not see the importance of sex in marriage; some do not want to be seen as 'wayward' and maintain a certain image, some think sex is to be enjoyed at youth and marriage is for 'serious' business, some married the most convenient person and have become disgusted by their spouses, some deny their spouses in abuse etc.

Interestingly, the person too busy/ tired/ cold at home might be giving it hot to someone else outside.

The person who feels 'I can't kill myself' would suddenly be more willing when the partner is the sole provider/ has the upper hand in the relationship.

Trust me, everyone knows what they are doing.

Can they get away with it?

bukatyne:
I have, thanks and at your end?

Very well over here...

bizme:
To
1.) Good one.
2.) I believe that effectively moderates how one should take your advice. You are not a practicing polygamist, you have not been one and you are unlikely to know for sure if polygamy is the solution to the point being raised.
3.) Actually, it's not a myth, it's very recent history and many with old parents or grandparents will readily corroborate the main gist of my submission. It has nothing to do with feminism. A man that feels the need to be defensive in the face of feminism and using polygamy to do that, is actually a weak man. A real man logically assesses his situation and evolves an intervention, not because of some feministic ideology but in spite of it as though it never existed in the first place.
4.) And no, it is fallacy and not fact. You are generally not allowed to elevate an opinion to the level of a fact.

Some of us don't mind waiting for you to try out polygamy as a solution to deprioritization of sex by women post-wedding; then we can see if your advice is the solution. :-) Right now, you are not qualified to enthrone a suggestion you haven't tested to the pedestal you are placing it on.

Word.

bukatyne:
Complicated?

More like intentional.

And people have to know their spouses.

Some men truly do not like sexually adventurous wives; they would seek adventure from lovers.

Some women hold their husbands to ransome because they know he won't cheat.

Some men/women are frigid, some believe sex is for only pro-creation; some have had sex with so many partners pre-marriage that they have seen it finish; some no longer see the need to campaign after election; some do not see the importance of sex in marriage; some do not want to be seen as 'wayward' and maintain a certain image, some think sex is to be enjoyed at youth and marriage is for 'serious' business, some married the most convenient person and have become disgusted by their spouses, some deny their spouses in abuse etc.

Interestingly, the person too busy/ tired/ cold at home might be giving it hot to someone else outside.

The person who feels 'I can't kill myself' would suddenly be more willing when the partner is the sole provider/ has the upper hand in the relationship.

Trust me, everyone knows what they are doing.

Can they get away with it?

Stressful will be a better word! I mean....

You mean people deal with all these sh!ts in marriage? Then dang!
Imagine having to give your body even when you don't feel like it because you're "obligated" to...
Having to think all day about what the other person might be up to....
Answerable to another person...
Playing and manipulating each other...

Marriage is where people willingly give up their freedom in total.

crackhaus:
You most definitely missed me.

But trust me, I ain't him.

I would never have conversations with some of the ladies on NL he has had conversations with, that should be enough to clue you in.

Wait, people dey keep malice online ni? Abi wetin this one mean again? This one too go stand up with big broad chest when them dey call out men, characters dey this forum sha

mariahAngel:
1. Stressful will be a better word! I mean....

2. You mean people deal with all these sh!ts in marriage? Then dang!
3. Imagine having to give your body even when you don't feel like it because you're "obligated" to...
4. Having to think all day about what the other person might be up to....
5. Answerable to another person...
6. Playing and manipulating each other...

7. Marriage is where people willingly give up their freedom in total.

1. Marriage is what you both make of it

2. People deal with all sorts in life.

3. Well, we go to work when we don't feel like, people who are sick eat what they don't feel like, students study when they don't feel like, parents care for their kids when they don't feel like. For sex though, if you don't feel like for a period of time, check yourself. And as a Christian, one of the major reasons of marriage is to curb adultery. It wouldn't not make sense if sex is not happening. And if you love your spouse, you would desire them and not see it as a chore.

4. Why?

5. Is there anyone not answerable or accountable to anyone in this life?

6. Why?

7. Marriage is a subset of life. Freedom in life is an illusion. I feel like binging on Netflix right now however, I am stuck in a meeting and have another in a few hours. A parent might feel like going a cruise however pay for their Ward's fees. A CEO might feel like sleeping however attend ten meetings back to back.

Preciouschinwe:
beautifully written dear.

Thanks.

bukatyne:
1. Marriage is what you both make of it

2. People deal with all sorts in life.

3. Well, we go to work when we don't feel like, people who are sick eat what they don't feel like, students study when they don't feel like, parents care for their kids when they don't feel like. For sex though, if you don't feel like for a period of time, check yourself. And as a Christian, one of the major reasons of marriage is to curb adultery. It wouldn't not make sense if sex is not happening. And if you love your spouse, you would desire them and not see it as a chore.

4. Why?

5. Is there anyone not answerable or accountable to anyone in this life?

6. Why?

7. Marriage is a subset of life. Freedom in life is an illusion. I feel like binging on Netflix right now however, I am stuck in a meeting and have another in a few hours. A parent might feel like going a cruise however pay CEO

freedom is an illusion because there are consequences. You have a choice

NoToPile:

Liposure:
freedom is an illusion because there are consequences. You have a choice

True.

bukatyne:
1. Marriage is what you both make of it

2. People deal with all sorts in life.

3. Well, we go to work when we don't feel like, people who are sick eat what they don't feel like, students study when they don't feel like, parents care for their kids when they don't feel like. For sex though, if you don't feel like for a period of time, check yourself. And as a Christian, one of the major reasons of marriage is to curb adultery. It wouldn't not make sense if sex is not happening. And if you love your spouse, you would desire them and not see it as a chore.

4. Why?

5. Is there anyone not answerable or accountable to anyone in this life?

6. Why?

7. Marriage is a subset of life. Freedom in life is an illusion. I feel like binging on Netflix right now however, I am stuck in a meeting and have another in a few hours. A parent might feel like going a cruise however pay for their Ward's fees. A CEO might feel like sleeping however attend ten meetings back to back.

1. I think most people in it put up a façade to paint a happy picture.
You only get to find out what's in for you when you go in.

2. Why add to it?

3. We retire. We heal. We graduate. Children grow. Obligations in marriage are forever.
What happens when love fades?

4. I picked that from your comment earlier

5. Not as much in marriage.

6. It is in human nature.

7. Even an "illusionary" freedom is lost in marriage.

Lordswazz:
If you talk to him about it from today till tomorrow, he won't get it. That's because he is hell-bent on getting a solution that caters to a monogamous relationships alone. The solution you proffered works. Let him seek that which will work for monogamists.

The main reason behind the dip in sex drive in married women is commitment. Women can get sex from most men, but they can't get commitment that easy. You saying "I do" to a woman means you've given her all the assurance she needs. It is the reason why women in sexual relationships have more sex drive than women in marriage. One hasn't gotten the "ultimate" commitment yet, while the other has it.

not all sexual relationships are commitment based. Some are casual (no commitment) others are transactional (cash and carry).

Biglittlelois:
Seeing this comment, I now understand why your mind and level of thinking is skewed, and the type of human you are,

I apologise for making you see logical reasons in the few back and forth I've had with you, didnt know you are a certain irredeemable kind

God bless your wife, she dey try.

Yawn. Please go away and stop following me around. I'm sure you'll find someone else on NL who will be interested in you, I personally prefer smart girls, so we're not really compatible.
Sorry.

bizme:
You have made very important points. Personally I think getting house helps is a vital aspect of the domestic life. Some of us don't mind spending time doing chores around the house and in the kitchen... (I prepare more delicious dishes than my dearest :-) ) However, there reality is that oftentimes the man's (woman's too) time is likely much more valuable outside the house... This is why I don't get it when some men that I have met don't like the idea of taking house helps citing their own mothers as an example of why a wife should do fine without help. Well, many of those mothers were very sad creatures and would have preferred more humane treatment.

Getting a house help is buying quality time.

bold
Exactly!

I think what I have noticed is that after marriage the man and the woman stop dating each other. They took things for granted, no special outings...just church services together. I also think that sex is deeply mental, and that it is these dating/chasing rituals that develop the sexual tension and excitement in each other. Take it away and it turns a routine. I don't accept polygamy as a solution: many who keep preaching it as a demonstration of their manliness don't even practise it. The last time I checked polygamy is still well practiced in Nigeria and no one stops anyone from going that direction in the first place: that is, the so-called Western indoctrination doesn't force anyone not to. It is however interesting how these pro-polygamy men get furious whenever a man messes up their own daughters.

It's about quality time again. I couldn't agree more. It's important for couples to take their time to focus on one another without children shouting mummy/daddy. Couples should even schedule sex if necessary. It would be interesting to know when and where other couples have sex, lots of it with children in the house. Care to open another thread?

It also helps to have a certain mindset that your spouse's happiness and satisfaction is one of your priorities. Happy couples have happy children. I heard one marriage counsellor say that the level of happiness children experience in their childhood is parallel to the level of happiness their parents enjoy in their marriage.

You have described some of the views people hold on polygamy aptly before. They romanticize the times of old. Our forefathers had pragmatic reasons for why they married several wives and they didn't run around bragging how they will have their wives compete against one another because they had first hand experience of how explosive a polygamous home could be. I know several people from polygamous homes. They do not romanticize polygamy in the way someone here does. I always say that no woman who truly loves her husband will take the presence of a co-wife lightly. Jealousy is not the solution, it is poison. I am also wondering why people think that polygamy is the solution and will make everything easier when monogamous couples struggle to have enough quality time for one another.

Thanks for your insightful comment. I know a lot about polygamy, and why I cannot fault any man or woman for desiring a polygamous arrangement for him/herself, I can not even think about it in a million years. Why on earth would I even want to break my wife's heart and disrupt the relational equilibrium I have with my children? I find it very stupid and selfish. If I had lived in the days of my forefathers I certainly might, out of necessity, taken perhaps up to 10 or more wives to efficiently manage things... But I live in the now, and I have an awesome partner for wife...

I know that sex is an important part of a marriage relationship, but it's just one of the many important aspects. There are more important things than that, and it seems irrational for a man to choose to upset every other good thing in his home just for sex. It makes no sense. As a man, after you get your spare p*ssy or p*ssies in a polygamous union, what then? Why should any man be excited about hurting his wife and making her jealous? I don't get it. It probably reflects the type of marriage some have with their spouses. Regardless of what SM tries to make everyone believe, some people actually have healthy relationship with their spouses, and just as one wouldn't go about hurting and damaging one's friend, such couples don't go about planning how to hurt their partners.

What if the woman decides to also take another husband, say because you as a husband isn't enough in bed? I know many don't like to think about that, but it remains a valid possibility.

@the bold; that's actually an interesting line of discussion and I totally don't mind at all.

Once again, thanks.

Hathor5:
Getting a house help is buying quality time.

bold
Exactly!



It's about quality time again. I couldn't agree more. It's important for couples to take their time to focus on one another without children shouting mummy/daddy. Couples should even schedule sex if necessary. It would be interesting to know when and where other couples have sex, lots of it with children in the house. Care to open another thread?

It also helps to have a certain mindset that your spouse's happiness and satisfaction is one of your priorities. Happy couples have happy children. I heard one marriage counsellor say that the level of happiness children experience in their childhood is parallel to the level of happiness their parents enjoy in their marriage.

You have described some of the views people hold on polygamy aptly before. They romanticize the times of old. Our forefathers had pragmatic reasons for why they married several wives and they didn't run around bragging how they will have their wives compete against one another because they had first hand experience of how explosive a polygamous home could be. I know several people from polygamous homes. They do not romanticize polygamy in the way someone here does. I always say that no woman who truly loves her husband will take the presence of a co-wife lightly. Jealousy is not the solution, it is poison. I am also wondering why people think that polygamy is the solution and will make everything easier when monogamous couples struggle to have enough quality time for one another.