₦airaland Forum

mariahAngel:
It's just that so much is expected of a woman, it is hardly fair. The more they give, the more they're asked to give.
All they ever wanted is to be listened to.

RuddyFusion:
Prayer is needed intense one.....Locate any MFM church around you join the online programs and you will be fine

longetivity:
Gather here if you did not read the post

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

Cutehector:
continue

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

sweetmelanin:
This is the life of 95% of parents abroad so I need you to put your big girl panties on and get on with life... welcome to motherhood, welcome to adulthood!

Not everyone can afford such luxury of bringing a mother across nations simply to help take care of your child... especially when you outrightly insisted on your own mother! I honestly can't blame your husband for his reluctance.. try and see things from his perspective too... have you truly thought about the costs? Visa application, flight tickets, cost of maintenance when she gets there; feeding, higher electricity&water bills etc.. he will need to show proof of sufficient funds to cover her maintenance for the entire duration of her stay there.. that is approx £7000 or £10000 that has been sitting in his account for at least three consecutive months prior to filing the visa application.
It's simply not fair to expect him to be burdened with all that for your own mother while he may secretly be wishing his own mother also deserves such investment. I think you should just forget it if you won't be funding your mother's trip yourself..

There are ways you can minimize childcare costs abroad:
- you can opt to be a stay at home mum if your job is low paying i.e. if you deduct childcare costs from your salary and the balance it isn't up to £500, just stay at home.
- you can get a part time/work from home job which allows you to stay home with your kid.
- Claim child benefit.
- You can get 15-30 hours free childcare (per week) sponsored by the government once your little one turns 2 or 3 years old (if you are UK based).

The other alternative is to move back to nigeria if you feel you can cope better over there..

luminouz:
So going to native doctors is diabolic?

Are you that ashamed of your culture and values? Yet you are quick to accept and validate the white man's religion.

See how the West conquered Africa and still controls your psyche even now

HarunaWest:
God forbid...I can't be ugly like you. Let it sink in.

Vevejoy:
I'll pass because the Bible says I should in the book of 2 Timothy.

2 Timothy 2:23-24 Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.

Nice try to get me

mariahAngel:
Women have truly suffered!


" Don't complain! Suck it up and bear it!" Says the world

Sigh!

NoToPile:
OP you have more serious issues, the herbalist issue, God help you.

clockwisereport:
You just retorted to insults and las las you made no point.

CalliDora1:
You caused it. When he asked you who was coming over, you should have been wise enough to say any one of them can come, instead of saying your mom "of course"... It sounds more like you're calling the shots in the marriage and men loath it.

Complaining about his dealings with native doctors now sounds out of place because you knew this before going into the marriage. So why complain now because everything is beginning to fall apart? You should know that anyone who visits native doctors is always hard hearted and suspects everyone and everything around them. So, learn to live with it cos you saw it from the beginning but chose to ignore maybe because he's Yankee based.

All that glitters is not gold.

Magnoliaa:
[color=deeppink]Likeeeee. All the comments I've been reading up till this point were just annoying, devoid of emotional intelligence and sensitivity towards the woman's plights.

If those advice reflects the mentality of all average Nigerian man, it's no surprise marriages are what they are to women.[/color]

bukatyne:
@bold:

I tried to understand this, I couldn't.

A husband asks his wife: 'who should come for omugwo' and wifey said 'her mother'


Let's assume the husband wanted his mother to come over because he is the man/it is her right/or whatever:

Was the husband not supposed to state he wants his mother to come because of X, Y Z?

How can you ask your wife a question, she gives a 'wrong' answer and you start to fight and ruin things?

Does it make sense to you?

Vevejoy:
I teared up. Atleast one person has looked at my writeup in bothways n not do the regular blame game.
Words heal and these few u just wrote right here brought forth some healing.
Thank you!

Chii59:
I'm guessing you're somewhere between mid 30s to early 40s,yet you talk like a 15 year old. Grow up, old man.

MejiLoyon:
I stopped reading at believe in native doctor after 17years. It's simply impossible

And it made front page
Just so you know...if you carry your marriage matter come social media you deserve to be single forever.
Also ask those that have brought theirs here, was the problem solved here? So many things happen in marriages,they solve it themselves. Go come carry am.come social media.

No be relationship oooo. Marriage. Na wah o

Vevejoy:
Ur assumption that I knew about his believes be4 marriage is wrong.
Also saying I probably got married to him bc of yankee is 100% wrong. Infact we were both based abroad and both citizens abroad when we met be4 u come up with paper issues.
Anyway thanks for ur judgemental comment. U said ur point and I appreciate ur time. �

HarunaWest:
You typed a lengthy post just to pass a simple message.This is were the problem lies. You talk too much...
You are draining your hubby....Give him a break, he will come around sooner or later.
Become more kind and generous towards him.

CalliDora1:
My dear. I just wanted her to be off my neck. Some people don't like being told the bitter truth. That's her case.

bukatyne:
@bold:

I tried to understand this, I couldn't.

A husband asks his wife: 'who should come for omugwo' and wifey said 'her mother'


Let's assume the husband wanted his mother to come over because he is the man/it is her right/or whatever:

Was the husband not supposed to state he wants his mother to come because of X, Y Z?

How can you ask your wife a question, she gives a 'wrong' answer and you start to fight and ruin things?

Does it make sense to you?