₦airaland Forum

clockwisereport:
Lol. Can't you see how confused you are?

First, you said u do not believe that someone who have lived abroad for 17 years keeps visiting native doctors. I countered you with an example of a cousin that have lived in Belgium since 1994 and still visits native doctors.

You then resorted to "African culture" and how western religion have blinded me. Oga, if I may ask, if visiting native doctors is not diabolic, please give me (us) examples of things that are diabolic.

Sarang:
You know where I stopped? I don’t believe in DIVORCE.
That too is an African mentality. Shade it.
Every one deserve to be in a happy environment with someone who loves and cares about them
How can your husband be HEARTLESS to you and you call it Marriage..?
Your argument with him has little or nothing to do with your quarrel with him..
His crazy mindset does.

I am sorry but unless your husband shades his crazy mentality, your marriage is GONE. And mind you, divorce is better than death. Cause at this rate he might kill you for causing him his supposed plight.

All the best!

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

.....


Help me out please

ipain:
Man, there is nothing wrong with her. Nothing like talking too much.

She is a communicative person and likes to open up. Those are qualities of personality that does not hide something.. I know this cos I am same.

And she would be drained because her husband is the opposite. I wouldn't want to marry someone who does not understand basic communication requirements for sustaining a healthy relationship...

I detest too much rigidity.

For christ sake, she is a human with emotion. Why torment her like this?

Tap0lane:
Is this worse than what many pastor do or cos it a native doctor now rapture should start at once ?

greyvirgo:
Hi,
This sounds like an accumulation of bigger issues that have come full circle.

And I have some semblance in my own relationship, especially when it comes to communication.

My mrs likes to have the first say, middle say and last say in every conversation.
Fortunately for her, am from Oyo state..grew up in Lagos and steeped in tradition lol...and fortunately, I don't have a reverse gear. She grew up amongst matriarch...and I grew up amongst patriarchs...see where this is heading?

I for one found communication difficult, because everything got emotional pretty quickly from her end and I never used to see her perspectives...it's all about traditions for me..being the dominant party bla bla bla...

Eventually, I started resesrching her background and also compared with mine...my parents where never lovers..they where simply married....and so..that was all I knew, meant I needed to unlearn and re-learn.how to love a woman, understand, communicate, than simply be married to one....let me not digress..!lol

You need a retrospective with someone that can be honest with both of you..
Your man needs a mentor...(I have one)..! A man without a mentor is like a ship sailing aimlessly...
You also need someone you can go to as well to show you how you are going wrong and how best to turn things around..
We both share the same mentors...a married couple.we've known them for years through church, and make it a habit to meet them every 6 months for a catchup and fellowship..even if all is well

It feels like you are both living and trying things out, including throwing your toys about......Eventually, it will come to a head.

Regarding NativeDs...if his parental history is linked to doing these things, will be extremely difficult to get him off this train...that one nah prayers...question is, are you Godly and spiritual as well? This one no be physical...

It took us 10 yrs to finally get a good balance on how we both communicate..even longer for me to meet her emotional needs..Meaning, taking her our more often to exciting places...given her time to speak and to feel heard...reaching out to her and making her feel wanted..all these have calmed her passived aggressive stance with me into the lady I married...I guess she was crying for help....and I didn't understand it..

Lots to suggest and advise, but, will leave others to contribute s well.

Chii59:
Sighs. The Nigerian society is quite a toxic one, on the average. For a person tethering on depression, suffering emotional abuse, as well as the spiritual aspect, its quite unfortunate all they see are the many words.
I'll soon leave this forum. I can't with the toxicity around here.

Joshmuch:
Get married first, put in 6 years and divorce at any slight misunderstandings, then come back to advice the OP.

HarunaWest:
You typed a lengthy post just to pass a simple message.This is were the problem lies. You talk too much...
You are draining your hubby....Give him a break, he will come around sooner or later.
Become more kind and generous towards him.

Magnoliaa:
[color=deeppink]This is a very honest and helpful submission. Feels like this almost perfectly described this Op's situation. A patriach steeped in traditions, while wife works and is also raising the child.

He needs a lot of relearning to do, and it'll be so damn hard. Divorce is the easy way out, that's if she can't cope with the unhappiness and "switch off" everything she's been going through.

Yours took ten years - things may be not be so irredeemable for the Op then.[/color]

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

Lighthammer:
There is a spiritual tone to what is happening to you...
the dark forces are after the stability of ur marriage and are working through ur husband native doctors...
it takes the deep to call the deep...
you need to turn everytin into the hand of God...
u cnt solve it with ur mortal power
then work on urself and try to be loving and patient...
everything will be okay at the end..
take heart....
i know it...

Sarang:
I will get married with someone who can communicate their feelings. No I will not live in the same house with someone who deeply believes that I wish him ill.
Lastly I won’t marry a heartless person.
At least in the US, Nigerian men kill their wife like all the damn time.
If In 10 years after my marriage, my husband turn to any of these. I am done, yes! My life is more important than any godforsaken marriage!
I believe in DIVORCE and if many women do, they will still be ALIVE!

HarunaWest:
You typed a lengthy post just to pass a simple message.This is were the problem lies. You talk too much...
You are draining your hubby....Give him a break, he will come around sooner or later.
Become more kind and generous towards him.

Sarang:
There is no spiritual whatever. Her husband is a typical egotistic, myopic, and self-serving Nigerian man who believes he is doing her a favor marrying her

DoubleEngine007:
I don't know if they have suffered o madam I was only advising the Op.

olarid01:
Lol, best of luck. You'll soon find out that things are not always black and white....I hope it's not too late though

Vevejoy:
I acknowledged in my writeup that I've been a nag since the beginning of this crisis.
I have heard u and will pray.
Thanks

Sarang:
With this mentality... if you really believe EVERYTHING you wrote up here, you might remain single ALL YOUR LIFE. I am telling you the truth!

olarid01:
Lol, best of luck. You'll soon find out that things are not always black and white....I hope it's not too late though.

@Op, please ignore advices like this, no matter how "independent" you think you are, divorce should only be a last resort.
I don't believe this single occurrence caused the current issue, it is an accumulated issue. look back and reflect

shadeyinka:
Your problem is simple but I am not sure if ego will allow you to see the truth. You said everything was okay till May 2020 and that you've been married for six years.

1. Reverse the damage you have done by first inviting your husband's mum over to take care of your baby.
You need to stoop to conquer. The next time,it will be your own mother.
2. What does your husband want?
a. Honour and respect from you
b. Expressive affection from you

Do these two selflessly and see how your husband dance around you.

You aren't the most important in this marriage relationship: he is!
That is why you are Mrs (Your Husband's name) and not the other way round.

You can have your loving husband back is you will do the required work in humility!

Connected1:
Don't you think It's better I remain single all my life then live with someone who can't depend when people talk about me, that's evil.
I don't know the type of single hood you are talking about but I have a girlfriend whom we have been dating for sometime now, she has her own flaws but at least she has defended once and I know that.

Magnoliaa:
[color=deeppink]Likeeeee. All the comments I've been reading up till this point were just annoying, devoid of emotional intelligence and sensitivity towards the woman's plights.

If those advice reflects the mentality of all average Nigerian man, it's no surprise marriages are what they are to women.[/color]

No wonder marriages in the UK USA etc are hitch perfect heaven made. Maybe you need compare their divorce rate to 9ja to understand this is foolishness grand standing.



[color=deeppink]And it's the woman that should be killed with it? You talk as if you know him. [/color]



[color=deeppink]This is all just assumptions. Assumptions. If she'd suggested his own mother, would he not have taken that as attempt on his wife's part to turn his mum into an help?[/color]



[color=deeppink]From all the Op typed, nothing shows he's helping with easing the burdens on her, else she wouldn't have come here to complain.

And this issue has been since last year. Sounds immature to me, even if the wife might have goofed some way. What's wrong with listening to his wife and understanding what she's going through to work out a solution?[/color]