₦airaland Forum

Sarang:
I will get married with someone who can communicate their feelings. No I will not live in the same house with someone who deeply believes that I wish him ill.
Lastly I won’t marry a heartless person.
At least in the US, Nigerian men kill their wife like all the damn time.
If In 10 years after my marriage, my husband turn to any of these. I am done, yes! My life is more important than any godforsaken marriage!
I believe in DIVORCE and if many women do, they will still be ALIVE!

BS.

HarunaWest:
You typed a lengthy post just to pass a simple message.This is were the problem lies. You talk too much...
You are draining your hubby....Give him a break, he will come around sooner or later.
Become more kind and generous towards him.

You took the words out of my mouth.

And for the native Dr. Ish, I believe this is something you knew before you married him. So you either let him be, and get closer to these native doctors, then confront them.

Don't give up so soon. There's no perfect marriage out there. Cheers

[quote author=MejiLoyon post=98230856]I stopped reading at believe in native doctor after 17years. [quote]I stopped reading from there too...
Wisdom is everything in this life...

If she had said the husband to decide who to come over, I can tell you there is high chance the Husband would say the wife Mum should come.

But Of course my mum that word get as e bi.

God will heal your home

Sarang:
Then I pity your girlfriend
Cause you have a girlfriend doesn’t make you a GOOD LOVER

Your problem be say you nor just know anything.
Don't be like the OP, try as much to keep quiet and stop nagging.
You never placed emphasis on the actual reason that would make me stay single forever.
We quarrel, we both have flaws but I tell you 24 hrs is too long.
I won't tell you more about my relationship because you will be too pained about your sad life that you would wish for it and also curse/hate me too

DavidEsq:
Would u have given the same piece of advice if OP had been a man? I doubt it

No,I won't.
Reason is because one is the head of the home and the other is not. When the two wants to be the head,then crisis will come. I'm happy you know that op is not a man,hence the advice I gave her. You can as well give her your advice. Good afternoon, I hope you're enjoying your day? Cheers!

Hmmm, what a story. The only solution I can suggest to you is to accept jesus christ as your LORD and personal saviour. The second step is to present your husband to jesus to fix his life,trust me if within three months you will smile again only ensure you genuinely give your life to jesus christ.

Simple solution. Ignore him, dress sexy with make up all the time and wear nice perfume.

Live your life.

Stop talking too much aunty. It will solve 200% of your marital Issues.

Vevejoy:
We've been having alot of sex. �

Na im una still dey quarrel? Lol. Ok this time, you guys should change position, if you were doing doggy, change to missionary, any position to make both you be looking each other in the eyes, then do a lot of kissing.

Move from a lot of sex to more love making. Lol....you never can tell...It does magic.

By the way, you can also speak in tongues when the conjugal position is assumed and there is interlocking of the genital tools of pleasure generation. Lol.

I think you guys are just going through a phase in marriage which is perfectly normal and most marriages do experience such upheavals too, nothing too serious and I encourage you to not make an industry out of it. You know men can be like little kids sometimes. We lose attention too fast and somehow develop what I may term 'buyer's remorse'. But remain steadfast and conquer him with love, he will come round. For the fact you guys are still having great sex, then chill, na shakara season. You guys will be fine. I am speaking from over 16 years experience by the way.

And his use of Native doctors? please don't judge him and stop reporting him to his mum on that. Look at it this way, it could have been him depending on his Pastor for spiritual guidance. Find a way to play along with him to even understand the dynamics of his belief in the thing, if he finds you to be that genuinely interested and non judgmental, then he will begin to trust you more and only then can you have a reasonable chance of gradually talking him out if. I wish you all the best. It's not that bad and like a lot of people have advised, learn to have a calm disposition and reduce your own internal stress level, all will be well. Life is not that serious and I think your man is still 100% in love with you and committed to you, the issues notwithstanding. He is tactfully sending you a message which if printed should read something like "You can no longer always have your way with nagging, tantrums, begging, crying, shouting or other forms of emotional abuse/manipulation". Stop and reassess your engagement style. Learn to let him have his way as the head of the home and after a while he will get tired of it and trust me, you will still ultimately be in charge.

The woman is designed to be the weaker vessel, but do you know that her strength is actually manifested in the same weakness. You are wise. Keep your home together. It's in your hands and I believe that's what you are driving at, the reason you made this post. You will succeed.

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

This lengthy post yet I can't figure out what you want from him. The only problem here is that he wants you to take care of the kid all by yourself, no mom. Thats not difficult to ask and you are independent, just take care of your kid and mind your business for a while. Forget his belief, and pray for both of you. There is no issue here but you are making the whole thing look like its a big problem. Respect your man's, serve him food, give him sex and stop nagging. Let him win all arguments and treat his child like a real mother.

Nairaland advisers, over to you.

You just talked too much again. I think I can feel a bit of what's he's coping with.


You have to be the change you desire. Change first then you won't have to complain because he also will know that you've changed

ipain:
Man, there is nothing wrong with her. Nothing like talking too much.

She is a communicative person and likes to open up. Those are qualities of personality that does not hide something.. I know this cos I am same.

And she would be drained because her husband is the opposite. I wouldn't want to marry someone who does not understand basic communication requirements for sustaining a healthy relationship...

I detest too much rigidity.

For christ sake, she is a human with emotion. Why torment her like this?

I am a reserved person..When people nah or talk too much..I avoid them totally...I hate plenty talk over unnecessary things.
If it's not worth it, I ain't speaking.
OP has failed to understand the man she married over the years, she is trying to impose her style on him and it won't work because obviously the man na Strong Head man...Make she calm down for am..They will be alright.

You are having the 7th Year Itch in marriage. Go and read about it.

My own question is this: what's the difference in believing in native doctors or believing in pastors or imams? People who place so much emphasis on the word of 'spiritual fathers' are usually irrational and always take the word of such spiritualists as law.

It's funny how people will blame the guy for listening to native doctors yet they hang on to the every word of their pastors and imam. People who don't believe in any of these so called spiritual fathers are always the easiest to deal with, they are more rational.

bukatyne:
@bold:

I tried to understand this, I couldn't.

A husband asks his wife: 'who should come for omugwo' and wifey said 'her mother'


Let's assume the husband wanted his mother to come over because he is the man/it is her right/or whatever:

Was the husband not supposed to state he wants his mother to come because of X, Y Z?

How can you ask your wife a question, she gives a 'wrong' answer and you start to fight and ruin things?

Does it make sense to you?

You are talking as if it's a journey from East to West or North, It's not so applicable if it has to do with travelling abroad. Moreover the wife would have sorted out with her husband the best option for keeping their baby once she resumes back to work, the decision to bringing her mum abroad as the only feasible option was her personal resolve. Since she already concluded by herself that taken the child to daycare will be too expensive, will bringing her mum over be anyway less? Moreover the bible admonish us to learn to listen more and talk less, if she hadn't been a talkative as rightly agreed by her, she would have understand the question to be a trap, but over familiarity made her to forget there is something called rhetorical question?

marriage na 4 beta 4 worst....

firstly,you nid 2 stop nagging

secondly, u can't just throw a marriage of over six years when ur lyf is not being threatened or u not in some sort of danger.

Thirdly, putting ur issh on social media made u seem childish. Simply,talk 2 his pippo n ur pipo. When an issue is beyond d wife n hubby den involve both ur families but Neva take it 2 d world cos it wud only worsen d prob.

fourthly, if wat u said is true Abt D's whole witch doctor den ur hubby is quite fetish n it's something u wud hv known b4 venturing in2 D's marriage.
My point is dat u shud c a counselor or beta still involve both ur families 2 get D's settled.

I'll also tip u 2 treat him with respect. Prepare his favorite meal. Go on dates,find back wat made u 2 love each other. Don't let ur problem overwhelm u. Make him feel like a King n make sure 2 create time 4 more intimacy. It must'nt b Abt trying 2 make babies,u 2 can just HV quality time in d bedroom. lovemaking btw a husband n a wife heals so many things.

Finally,pray. PRAYER IS THE KEY.

I've been married for three years and I can tell you every marriage has issues.. Of recent my wife hurt me so much and I left the house for days, my marriage was almost over .. Well, we ended up settling issues.

There at some point your marriage was very interesting, and you should always think about that. and the mistake you and your husband made was allowing the matter drag too long, now I'm sure other issues would have arose. Sit your husband down and even if you are hurt with whatever way he behaves or what he says act like a fool to save your home and when he's back to normal then you can lambast him... Then he will beg.

You can't deny the fact that some people close to you are waiting for your marriage to collapse, don't give them that joy. You are a woman and God has given you power over your home, try harness that power and use it. And most importantly, pray for your home!

Trust me when I tell you this, even if he's still mad at you, and you don't know what to do or say to him. Anytime he's around, pray for him and let him hear you praying for him, he'll surely have a change of heart when he hear you praying for him.. You are making him realize that even though things are not okay between you, you still love him and want things to be better for him.

God bless your home.

Vevejoy:
He is a citizen of 2 1st world countries and can never be deported. Thanks for ur assumptions anyway. U said ur mind. ✌

Come o! Were u born in naija and bred till university? How come u don't go werey (beserk) on some of these comments? Anyway, I really feel I have much to say about this situation but the truth is ur situation appears to be one of "noticeable red flags" and some deep unspoken stuff that doesn't imply u are less of the woman u are. Permit me to ask:
Was it u who has always wanted the relationship to work out by all means necessary? I mean before marriage. If this has always been the case, then I must say that u must have blotted out the red flags just because u were optimistic about him. If that's the case, then we must resort to Galatians 6:5: "For each one will carry his own load". This is because I see no blue skies at all.

Madam, nobody is perfect and I don't think a divorce is the answer as every relationship has its own challenge. Having said that I have a few observations from your write up and maybe some suggestions too.
1. I don't think your husband is heartless, rather I believe you've been using emotional blackmail (crying, silent treatment etc) in the past and he has decided to become numb to it. See ehn, men can be funny at times, they can decide to teach their partner a lesson and do things to hurt that person even sometimes hurting themselves or doing what they aren't proud of in the process. This COULD be the situation in your case and h just wants you to let off his case a bit.
2. Have you considered thinking about things from his own stand? He may have his reasons for not agreeing to your mum of his coming over. I think you should stop talking about it completely and make arrangements suitable for your baby, you could hire mature nanny who'd come to the house to care for baby while you're at work. That way baby gets her full sleep and since he doesn't mind paying then I think it's perfect.
3. You need to have a talk with yourself and decide to be the woman he fell in love with. Decide to love him and love him even when he gives you attitude, seduce him is he not your husband. I believe he'll come around
4. You have to let him know physical abuse is unacceptable and you would not hesitate to involve the police if he lays a finger on you, love and being married doesn't turn one stupid, thankfully, you live in a sane clime so if he ever touches you again in violence, sistership, call the police and let him cool his anger in the cell. You also get angry at times and don't hit him so why should he feel free to do that to you. Take a stand on it and ensure you do the needful if he doesn't live up to his word.
5. Finally about the native doctor, there may be nothing you can do about this o except to keep praying for him and working on yourself. You could think about some of the suggestions above, pick up a few of them and act on it wait for awhile to observe his behavior to your new self then have a heeart-heart conversation with him to talk about your marriage and your concern s about his penchant for native things.
Being married for 6years in the abroad is no joke and you are a survivor but we are all works in progress and can certainly do with external help from time to time.

Vevejoy

For me someone who consults native doctors is simply inviting demons into his house. Simply explains where the kasala is bursting from.

To me that's where the real fight is.

Don't fight against him. Don't pray against him. Pray for him. Pray for him privately. Sincerely, ask God for help.

Then talk to him. Respectfully, and patiently communicate to him, making him to see reasons why this things are bad, how they bring bad spirit to your home. Resist the urge to get angry while explaining to him.

That's the best you can do. Remember two wrongs don't make a right. Keep doing your good work, our Father in heaven will reward you.

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

From your comment "of course my mom" and your admittance that you have been nagging him and crying nonstop, it tells a lot about the kind of wife you are and also explains why your husband feels you're trying to control him.
1. You seem to be someone who always want to have her way and if you don't get your way, nobody would have peace;
2. You seem to want to always dictate how things are done in the house;
3. You use cry as emotional blackmail and your husband has become numb to it that's why he's no longer moved.
4. You nag him incessantly as a way of forcing him to do your biddings and it appears he has tuned off your voice to the point he doesn't even hear you anymore.
5. In all this, you didn't say he is neglecting you or your child, it means he's still living up to his responsibilities, your anger appears to be from your inability to manipulate him and have your way anymore.

My advise to You is to give yourself a break; stop nagging him, stop the crying drama and learn to seek his opinion and allow him to take the lead.
If he stops hearing the nagging and crying voice, he may actually open his ears to what you have to say

The problem is not him alone but both of you and am happy you admitted yours, which means you are on a path to change.

Your husband was told you were using a charm on him before you told him about your preferred person to come take care of your daughter, which he really took as a confirmation to what he heard from the native dr.

Also, if your husband can believe what he was told about his father, then he believed what he was told about you.

One simple way to change is heart is solely in your hands if you really love him still.

1. turn up yourself to God in repentance and prayer to God for yourself and husband.

You.
Ask Him to break off the hold of that habit from you.
Create a good relationship with God who alone has perfect solution to your family and self and can give you total victory right from the source of those problems.

Don't look for a quick fix, be a seeker of God and your problems will be solved without a leftover. Also, table your husbands issue to Him.

The truth is, your husbands problem is the easiest to fix but not until yours is fixed. Go to God in prayer and your victory is guaranteed IJN.

Shokoloko:
You don't think the third person in the marriage (the native doctor) is a problem?

No,i dont think so...

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

kindly click and read this articles, help for the family, when crises arise etc on jw.org ,put what you learn into practice. you come here to testify

Magnoliaa:
Why are you all making definitive statements like these? Even you?? Did you read the part of his diabolic mind and how he suspects EVERYONE? He can afford daycare services. This is bigger than simply just her suggesting her mother coming. He's abusive(physically) to someone and even thinks she's controlling him with charms, yet she she should be stooping. Stooping to what? Is he loving her unconditionally, as he desires respect from her?



Ha. In a marriage, there's one more important than another?? Wtff. So, people who hyphenated their names to their husbands' or didn't choose at all - another is more important?

See as you just invalidated and discarded the woman's feelings and hurt here.

If I have the opportunity of speaking to the husband, I will speak the TRUTH to him. Since he didn't ask for my opinion, I can only talk about what the wife can DO!

The man was fetish before he married her. He had been fetish till now (six years of marriage). Everything was okay in spite of the diabolic nature of the husband until 2020 may.

Can you see why I downplayed it in my address.

Every successful marriage must have a head (a CEO). The wife is a Director in their home. A CEO is first a director who is given the power of executive decisions. A wise CEO will consult his directors before making executive decisions. The CEO is directly responsible for the success or failure of his organisation. Two Captains cannot independently steer a ship.

The truth is not palatable. Do you understand why a husband is charged with the security of his wife and children and not the other way round?

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

Tonnes not thorns

Vevojoy

I understand your plight. But I can tell you that the whole issue is being complicated due the nagging aspect. If you can work on that aspect of you, trust me, you will notice great improvement on his part.

Let me give you a scenario. There was a lady I was dating sometime ago. She nag a lot. Any time I see her calls I always feel unhappy cuz I knew it's nagging she want to nag again.

So most times I do refuse picking her calls just to escape the nagging. But I was wrong. She will go to WhatsApp and drop bunch of messages, I will just read and not reply. She will then resort to insulting me with full paragraph of pages on WhatsApp, I will just read and not reply her.

She continues insulting and nagging but I won't alter a single word. She was like, I was a heartless human being. But I told her that I wasn't heartless, that the whole problem was from her. If she can work on her nagging attitude, we will just be fine.

At a point, she tried making amend and when I noticed she has changed a bit, I started giving her attention.

So, what am I saying? Men hate nagging. It chokes them up. So if you can take it by yourself to work on that aspect of you, trust me, your husband will start giving you the attention you need and start treating you right. Instead of nagging him, try and be more polite in your approach towards him when talking to him.

If you can do this, trust me, things will go back to how they were before.

adieora:
Your first problem is bringing this issue to nairaland to be advised by idiots.

Aswear

Talking too much erodes listening, it puts underserved pressure on your spouse.
Besides, i find it really difficult these days to believe ladies allegations against their husbands. Since a lady lied on Social media about her husband raping their nine-months old(which the embattled husband countered with proves), I chose to ignore some of their fishy complains like this one.

You know you ought to pray when you noticed things are going wrong in your home, remain unusually quiet or just try to avoid trouble, but you chose to run wild.
You are a nag, domineering and authoritarian lady and you have the mind to call your husband a voodoo man on social media?
What if he was playing a trick to scare you with the african voodoo thing so that he could have peace at home, because one of the greatest desires of a man is to have a peaceful home and a loving wife.
As a nagging wife and the type that takes her problems quickly to social media, that your husband is living in hell!!!
Peaceful homes are born out of painful and regular sacrifices from spouses. It's not the responsibility of one.
Selfishness destroys love, trust and everything!!!!

please stop making him the centre of your happiness pay less attention to him and focus on your baby, career or something else when you pay much attention to a man he misbehaves.

psalms37:
Madam, nobody is perfect and I don't think a divorce is the answer as every relationship has its own challenge. Having said that I have a few observations from your write up and maybe some suggestions too.
1. I don't think your husband is heartless, rather I believe you've been using emotional blackmail (crying, silent treatment etc) in the past and he has decided to become numb to it. See ehn, men can be funny at times, they can decide to teach their partner a lesson and do things to hurt that person even sometimes hurting themselves or doing what they aren't proud of in the process. This COULD be the situation in your case and h just wants you to let off his case a bit.
2. Have you considered thinking about things from his own stand? He may have his reasons for not agreeing to your mum of his coming over. I think you should stop talking about it completely and make arrangements suitable for your baby, you could hire mature nanny who'd come to the house to care for baby while you're at work. That way baby gets her full sleep and since he doesn't mind paying then I think it's perfect.
3. You need to have a talk with yourself and decide to be the woman he fell in love with. Decide to love him and love him even when he gives you attitude, seduce him is he not your husband. I believe he'll come around
4. You have to let him know physical abuse is unacceptable and you would not hesitate to involve the police if he lays a finger on you, love and being married doesn't turn one stupid, thankfully, you live in a sane clime so if he ever touches you again in violence, sistership, call the police and let him cool his anger in the cell. You also get angry at times and don't hit him so why should he feel free to do that to you. Take a stand on it and ensure you do the needful if he doesn't live up to his word.
5. Finally about the native doctor, there may be nothing you can do about this o except to keep praying for him and working on yourself. You could think about some of the suggestions above, pick up a few of them and act on it wait for awhile to observe his behavior to your new self then have a heeart-heart conversation with him to talk about your marriage and your concern s about his penchant for native things.
Being married for 6years in the abroad is no joke and you are a survivor but we are all works in progress and can certainly do with external help from time to time.

Nne you deserve a cool chilled Moet. You sound like a well drilled Christian woman with experience and a level head. Kudos!

frugal:
So why didn't you just tell him initially that you wanted your mom over? You presented your case to him like you didn't care which of the moms came over, meanwhile you wanted your mom from the beginning. That's deception now. And then when he asked you which of the moms you'd want over, rather than apply some sense and say something like "Although I'd prefer my mom, but I'm fine with either one", you chose to say something as silly as "my mom of course".
Why didn't you lead with that? Why make him believe you were okay with either in the first place?

You are the only person who has touched the lead.

Ops using nature of reply "my mom of course" on her husband is typical disrespect, dominating and undiplomatic from an honest question. lt's not only portrays the ops foul mouthed nature but character.

Listen ops, stop pretending that it all started when you made that "my mom of course" statement. This statement showed you had malice already or something was fishy. There was a problem on ground which rose your husband's suspicion.

For you husband to say your mom is coming so that you people can *Dominate him* means there are things he saw which he may not have told you. He had his fears.

Now, when he asked that question which mom to come over, instead of you to give him a response that difuse his fears, you exaggerated it with that disrespectful statement. Who wouldn't fear? He may assume you and your mom are upto a game plan. The mind is complex.

I don't have problem his being a traditionalist. No religion is superior to the other. Is our character that portrays it. Pastors here manipulate and destroy homes. It's not a new stuff. lnfact, don't even talk to him about naitive doctor for now or his belief, least he thinks you want to change him .

This is my piece of advice.

Don't nag again. Infact pour him love like never before. It destroys even the most potent medicine. Listen to him when he talks and when you make your input, put in a a diplomatic way that still leave the option with him but have made your intention know.

"I think any of them can come over. l don't really have problem with it. l will love my mom to come over because she knows me very well and it's also part of our omugwo tradition but its still left for you to decide which amongst then will come"

Prayer and not change of altitude will never solve your problems. You have tormented the man and abused him psychologically. If he's an introvert, that's the worst of it's all.

Pour your husband with much love, the love will heal you too, get your baby to play with him, have sex, appeal to him and give him space to heal.

If he doesn't change, continue. Give him all the altitudinal reasons why he will regret not having you.

Let your not believing in divorce blind you. If it gets to the point you not walking out with your head on your shoulders which l don't pray for, walk out.


There is nothing a man loves so much like peace of mind.

Best of luck vevejoy