NextD18:
Your brother should be more concerned if those children are his biological children, because whenever a wife start turning kids against their father, there are high chances and possibilities of paternity fraud.

Nigerian women didn't rank world number 2 in paternity fraud for no reason.

He should secretly opt for a DNA test first.

That research is fraudulent. Secondly, the writer didn't confront his or her inlaw for the unnecessary change in behaviour

[quote author=omojesu202 post=98224179]It is no news that most marriages are collapsing.
Mine is just two years but I also see signs of collapse.

What's happening in my brothers marriage is painful to me because I know the financial investment and sacrifices he puts into it. I don't know what he did to his wife but she has turned his children against him.

Imagine that you cannot tell your 20 years old first son to wash your car like 7am, the mother will tell you that you should allow him to enjoy his sleep. Not once, not twice and not thrice.
This is the children you'll go hungry and borrow money to pay high school fees to make sure they go to good schools.

It is painful to me because I knew when he was paying 200k per term each on three kids while his basic was just 300k.

Now the firstborn and secondborn will disobey him on ordinary washing of car just because he can no longer meet up.

Please how would you handle such issues?
You might just hear that a man killed his wife and three children in the news. That would not be our portion.

From outside, she has been a good woman but she didn't blend the children to their father. The nature of his job takes him on transfer always and not stationed with his family but regular monthly visit is always there.

He should use his tongue and count his teeth

omojesu202:
It is no news that most marriages are collapsing.
Mine is just two years but I also see signs of collapse.

What's happening in my brothers marriage is painful to me because I know the financial investment and sacrifices he puts into it. I don't know what he did to his wife but she has turned his children against him.

Imagine that you cannot tell your 20 years old first son to wash your car like 7am, the mother will tell you that you should allow him to enjoy his sleep. Not once, not twice and not thrice.
This is the children you'll go hungry and borrow money to pay high school fees to make sure they go to good schools.

It is painful to me because I knew when he was paying 200k per term each on three kids while his basic was just 300k.

Now the firstborn and secondborn will disobey him on ordinary washing of car just because he can no longer meet up.

Please how would you handle such issues?
You might just hear that a man killed his wife and three children in the news. That would not be our portion.

From outside, she has been a good woman but she didn't blend the children to their father. The nature of his job takes him on transfer always and not stationed with his family but regular monthly visit is always there.

Life does not stop at the end of a marriage.......... Marriage is like an investment, it's not all the time you reap dividends.........

omojesu202:
It is no news that most marriages are collapsing.
Mine is just two years but I also see signs of collapse.

What's happening in my brothers marriage is painful to me because I know the financial investment and sacrifices he puts into it. I don't know what he did to his wife but she has turned his children against him.

Imagine that you cannot tell your 20 years old first son to wash your car like 7am, the mother will tell you that you should allow him to enjoy his sleep. Not once, not twice and not thrice.
This is the children you'll go hungry and borrow money to pay high school fees to make sure they go to good schools.

It is painful to me because I knew when he was paying 200k per term each on three kids while his basic was just 300k.

Now the firstborn and secondborn will disobey him on ordinary washing of car just because he can no longer meet up.

Please how would you handle such issues?
You might just hear that a man killed his wife and three children in the news. That would not be our portion.

From outside, she has been a good woman but she didn't blend the children to their father. The nature of his job takes him on transfer always and not stationed with his family but regular monthly visit is always there.

How sure are you that your brother was a good hands-on husband and father while the kids were growing up?

He may be your brother but you can never be too sure of the dynamics of his home unless you're part of it. That a man provides money for his family says nothing about how he handles the other aspects of his home. My dad provided money and discipline and care to us while we were growing up. He knew what books we read at school (for cases of hand-me-downs) and how many pairs of socks we bought each term. He knew when our grades went up and when we became rascals. Or at least tried to. Point is, he was very involved in our growing up and there's no way my mother can dictate for us what to do after our father has said his own.

Since his children are all grown up, I doubt there's much he can do now to salvage the situation but to pray. There's nothing impossible with God. He should go on his knees and ask God to speak to his children and turn their hearts around.

Being a father is a huge responsibility and I fear some men aren't up to par with what is required of them as a father.

boldx:
Washing a car or not washing is not a problem at all.

Most teenagers and post teens need to be reminded to do a lot of things in the house.

Please do not intervene in husband and wife matter though he is your brother.

His children are no longer kids and should be handled wisely.

If they don't wash his car, the man should wash his car by himself. It's no big deal. I wash my car myself despite having big teenagers. They do once in a while though.

I have consistently faced this challenge. Please don't make a mountain out of a mole hill.

So kids you pay such amount of money wont Wash ordinary car for u??
So what will they do for you?

If you see no wrong in this then theres a problem.
I wash my fathers car for almost upto late twenties. Even extended to my elder brothers own.
Just say that family is dysfunctional and there's no hierachy atall,no respect.

NextD18:
Your brother should be more concerned if those children are his biological children, because whenever a wife start turning kids against their father, there are high chances and possibilities of paternity fraud.

Nigerian women didn't rank world number 2 in paternity fraud for no reason.

He should secretly opt for a DNA test first.

After the DNA test, he should come back and retrace his steps so he can find out where he lost his way as a father. Most of you think being a father is about providing money, forgetting that the act of raising children isn't child's play. Why won't your kids disregard you if they believe you aren't worth anything to them?

omojesu202:


don't worry about me.
One of the main reason why I even marry is because I want to have a child that would be there for me at old age. That is why my brother's case makes me sad. I just need opinions on that, not that if it collapse it would be end of the world.

You married just for a child?
You said that you prefer your marriage to collapse that your brothers own?
You also appear to be angry with your brother for training his kids in good schools.
You asked for our opinion and here's mine: You should learn to leave and cleave, mind your own business. It's very abnormal for you to care so much about your brother's marital affairs than your wife and child who is about to have his parents separated and the accompanying psychological trauma.
There seems to be something fishy

omojesu202:


he's someone that wants his car washed daily. Will you have two grown up boys of 20 and 18 at home and still be washing your car yourself?? if he sent for his boys to do that the wife will block it. giving him sleep and rest as reason

Am sure this issue started one day. Am sure he saw the signs when they were much younger, but choose to ignore. They no born my wife or child under my roof, to try that rubbish with me.

Brooke60:
Yours is two years and about to collapse, you no face that oo. You are facing the one with a son of 20 year old. Guy!!!

cutiedave:
FTC...after 8 years on nairaland....

A word to someone out there...your time to shine is coming...

Just continue believing in JESUS

Abeg make nor vex o, wetin una dey use this FTC do... as in why is it such a big deal to Nairalanders. Dem dey pay ?

ahah this case is simple now divorce the woman and live a happy and old life no time for rubbish let the mother and children look for another as wipe to humiliate and ruin. bunch of ingrates

OmodavidoX:
Going by all this nairaland post on marital issues. Singles like me will be scared to tow that part.

Marriage keep looking scary daily

Can we have couples who have been having it well come to motivate us

Not post of problems in marriage daily

For any single bad thing about marriage they're tens of thousands of good ones. Bad things are just louder

omojesu202:
It is no news that most marriages are collapsing.
Mine is just two years but I also see signs of collapse.

What's happening in my brothers marriage is painful to me because I know the financial investment and sacrifices he puts into it. I don't know what he did to his wife but she has turned his children against him.

Imagine that you cannot tell your 20 years old first son to wash your car like 7am, the mother will tell you that you should allow him to enjoy his sleep. Not once, not twice and not thrice.
This is the children you'll go hungry and borrow money to pay high school fees to make sure they go to good schools.

It is painful to me because I knew when he was paying 200k per term each on three kids while his basic was just 300k.

Now the firstborn and secondborn will disobey him on ordinary washing of car just because he can no longer meet up.

Please how would you handle such issues?
You might just hear that a man killed his wife and three children in the news. That would not be our portion.

From outside, she has been a good woman but she didn't blend the children to their father. The nature of his job takes him on transfer always and not stationed with his family but regular monthly visit is always there.

My own advice is that you should rather focus on your own young marriage which is already heading south.

Your roof is on fire, and you are busy chasing a rat.

This is why having a strict father comes into play. I dare not disobey my father. Even till this moment as an independent full grown man, I still dare not disobey him due to how he handled us right from time.

Very strict and harsh. Even being a strict father, he is still loving. He will shout at you now and in the next minute he is calling you to come look something on his phone. Telling you stories of how he was the most brilliant in his class and the head prefect in his time. All these he did just to create that fatherly bond.

If a father is reprimanding his child and the mother is shading him, the mother is the one definitely spoiling such children.

The most a mother should do is pacify her husband whenever he is angry at the children or reprimanding them. A mother's role is to pacify not embarass the man in the presence of the children. It will make the children to lack respect for the father.

It's the mother that is spoiling those children cuz the father is too soft.

You can't talk to your own kids and listen to you? What type of children are they?

huh ?

Chris2863:

Dirty boy

rawitools:
Something is wrong in this country. So your brother no fit use koboko with hot pepper arrange their brain. What kind of parents and children are they producing this days.

Hahaha i swear oooo.
If na my own late popsi he go use koboko wake u up frm sleep sef.
If mumsy talk he go still change am for her..
We go still love him like that,he's the protector of the family thats the way God made it to be.

I honestly do not understand some homes o.

omojesu202:
It is no news that most marriages are collapsing.
Mine is just two years but I also see signs of collapse.

What's happening in my brothers marriage is painful to me because I know the financial investment and sacrifices he puts into it. I don't know what he did to his wife but she has turned his children against him.

Imagine that you cannot tell your 20 years old first son to wash your car like 7am, the mother will tell you that you should allow him to enjoy his sleep. Not once, not twice and not thrice.
This is the children you'll go hungry and borrow money to pay high school fees to make sure they go to good schools.

It is painful to me because I knew when he was paying 200k per term each on three kids while his basic was just 300k.

Now the firstborn and secondborn will disobey him on ordinary washing of car just because he can no longer meet up.

Please how would you handle such issues?
You might just hear that a man killed his wife and three children in the news. That would not be our portion.

From outside, she has been a good woman but she didn't blend the children to their father. The nature of his job takes him on transfer always and not stationed with his family but regular monthly visit is always there.

You asked for people's opinion and yet, you are going from one comment to another arguing and defending yourself.
"In the multitude of counsellors, there is safety". What the majority are simply saying is this; Face your family, if your brother is not ok with his, he should fix it. The best that you can do is to offer unbiased counsel . Your post is laced by hate for your nephews and SIL and this may further ruin your brother's life by driving a rift between them

cutiedave:
FTC...after 8 years on nairaland....

A word to someone out there...your time to shine is coming...

Just continue believing in JESUS

Does making FTC pays one bill?

It always a problem when you spent less time with your family, you grow far apart

BluntTheApostle:


My own advice is that you should rather focus on your own young marriage which is already heading south.

Your roof is on fire, and you are busy chasing a rat.

maybe my brother's roof deserve more protection than mine.

If that is the entire story, it won't end well for such kids. Sorry for his loss

Goldie16:

You married just for a child?
You said that you prefer your marriage to collapse that your brothers own?
You also appear to be angry with your brother for training his kids in good schools.
You asked for our opinion and here's mine: You should learn to leave and cleave, mind your own business. It's very abnormal for you to care so much about your brother's marital affairs than your wife and child who is about to have his parents separated and the accompanying psychological trauma.
There seems to be something fishy

there's nothing fishy. my brother is the best thing that ever happened to me.

boldx:
Washing a car or not washing is not a problem at all.

Most teenagers and post teens need to be reminded to do a lot of things in the house.

Please do not intervene in husband and wife matter though he is your brother.

His children are no longer kids and should be handled wisely.

If they don't wash his car, the man should wash his car by himself. It's no big deal. I wash my car myself despite having big teenagers. They do once in a while though.

I have consistently faced this challenge. Please don't make a mountain out of a mole hill.

Mr. Man, what are you saying sef? That means your case is even worse.

My boys 13,11 and 8 wash my car every evening for a year now. But I prefer evenings because I leave home at any time in the morning and like your in law, I want us to enjoy our sleep since no school to rush to. Tell your brother to ask them to wash the car every evening once he arrives home, instead of morning.

Hope you realize that this issue is not about car washing, but about total disrespect for him, the car issue is just one avenue to display such disrespect. As a parent, your children should respect you whether youa provide or not. There are 10 years old boys out there who earn their living and love and respect their parents. Make your brother change am for the wife, maybe he has being too soft and felt intimidated by the wife because he is not providing like before.

cc omojesu202

Tap0lane:
This one na the most foolish comment I read on NL in a long while. Sir, you are a very foolish soul.

I swear,they comment made me angry.

If your kids cant wash your car,whats the purpose of bringing them into this world and spending so much money on them,bearing it in mind that in future they wont even do much for u.

Lordswazz:


It's actually not a mole hill, it's a mountain. No parent wants children that are repeatedly disobedient to them, particularly when asked to carry out tasks that breach no ethical or moral code. It's not like he asked them to use their naked hands to pick big a burning piece of coal.

People you've been there for and made all manner of sacrifices for can't do something as simple as wash your car and you call that a mole hill? If you don't have any helpful advice for him, it's understandable. Don't trivialize such a big issue!

Once such signs start to show, there's every cause for alarm.

Teenagers are bound to be rebellious, it's part of the foolishness of youth. A wise and matured father has ways of disciplining his children and not running to his brother to complain. He is just creating enmity between his brother and his children and he will live to regret it.
As a young married couple, no matter our challenges (we've had very very rough rides), we work it out without reporting ourselves to family.

This advice may come too late for the OP, but I have a general word of advice to budding fathers out there.

Too many wives stylishly exploit the distance between kids and their fathers. You work so hard and sacrifice so much in your most productive years, while the vacuum that’s created robs you of a lasting bond with your children.

For budding fathers out their, build that relationship with your kids. Deal with them directly as much you can. Let them see/know the sacrifices you are making. Pay for things directly, let them get money from you directly rather than always through ‘mummy’. Bond with them. Mothers can be manipulative and cynical. For the worst of the women, you will only find out how devious when it’s too late, when you’re well past your most productive years

Also, keep some money for your own well-being. Travel, have fun, rest! You will die and your wife will move on, with all you have worked and died for!

omojesu202:


maybe my brother's roof deserve more protection than mine.

If you insist.

Your brother's situation is quite unfortunate.

But I am sure he would figure out a way.

You better leave him alone to handle his problem, while you focus on your own before it becomes worse than your brother's own.

Many problems that people face later in their marriages are accumulation of unaddressed problems from the early periods of the marriage or even during courtship.

So, try as much as possible to start fixing the problems in your own marriage now before they become one big problem that would be hard to fix in the future.

luminouz:


This assertion is BS.

My dad ain't always at home too but we never disrespected him. Funny enough, we love him pass our mama, even though ,she gets more stuffs from us.

Whatever nonsense bond una dey talk about comes when the man is lax in parenting or the kids love their mum naturally.

Lax in parenting usually comes up when one parent isn't there as much as he should. Op said his brother wasn't always there physically so I sense a lax. That aside, even when he was there, we can't be sure he was physically and mentally present. Children always pick up on those things and use it to undermine your authority.

omojesu202:
It is no news that most marriages are collapsing.
Mine is just two years but I also see signs of collapse.

What's happening in my brothers marriage is painful to me because I know the financial investment and sacrifices he puts into it. I don't know what he did to his wife but she has turned his children against him.

Imagine that you cannot tell your 20 years old first son to wash your car like 7am, the mother will tell you that you should allow him to enjoy his sleep. Not once, not twice and not thrice.
This is the children you'll go hungry and borrow money to pay high school fees to make sure they go to good schools.

It is painful to me because I knew when he was paying 200k per term each on three kids while his basic was just 300k.

Now the firstborn and secondborn will disobey him on ordinary washing of car just because he can no longer meet up.

Please how would you handle such issues?
You might just hear that a man killed his wife and three children in the news. That would not be our portion.

From outside, she has been a good woman but she didn't blend the children to their father. The nature of his job takes him on transfer always and not stationed with his family but regular monthly visit is always there.

Really sorry for your bro,
But one of the problems I have noticed is that men spend all their lives working and spending on the family and in some cases they carry all the responsibilities and in the end they most time die before their wives.
I am of the opinion that men should be responsible for their families and make sure they take active role in caring for their children by this the kids will know that their dad was very active . And also men should take care of themselves cos they are more likely to die first.

He should do DNA test to know if he is the father of the kids ,secondly he needs to be close to the kids before the mum will turn them against him ,take a walk with the first son ,have a good time with them without there mum ,when having good time he should be chipping some advices to them , after that send them on hols to there stricter uncles who could teach them well ...

OP, your brother missed it right from the beginning by failing to inculcate fatherly discipline into the lives of the boys when they were small period. That he spent heavily on their education is out of it. Even the Bible says spare the rod and spoil the child. That verse of the scriptures is extremely useful in the lives of children right from when they are toddlers. So his wife capitalised on his weakness and the result is what you have now.

Another angle to it is whether your brother is the biological father of these boys.

The way out is for him to seek support from respected persons from either the church or family with prayers.