thebosstrevor1:


So how will the boys learn responsibility and accountability if you don't allow them to do chores like washing the car

Teaching kids responsibility and accountability is not a day job, and you don't pile it up at once. You give it to them little by little cos kids even 20 years old don't have the discipline to follow through on even a goal they themselves want not to talk of the one imposed on them.What I see in this case is lack of communication and inflexibility.If the boys are having problems as a teenager doing what their father wants them to do and could not voice out their reason. The mother could talk to their father to adjust the car washing time and maybe reduce the frequency. Then it won't turn to outright refusal to their father. The boys are not trained dogs that must obey wether they like it or not. Out of love like caring for our kids or parents comes the heart not from obligation. There is no way these boys would not be responsible enough to honor their father by washing his car and being helpful to him in other ways. But for those of you shouting, I paid school fees, I fed you why dare you disobey me. You don't even care the emotional state of the person at that time but you demand obedience as payment for whatever good you did for them earlier. It is not too late to change oh. Discard that aftican mentality. Have kids and enjoy them, don't have kids because you are looking for future servants. When you are old, they will care for you and enjoy it and not see you as a burden they are forced to carry because this person paid school fees. I wonder how you will feel if they remind you that they only reason they are still taking care of you is because you paid school fees not because they love you and enjoy having you around and doing things with you. No wonder some kids just provide house and foods for their old parents. Lock them at home with help and food , no socializing with them, no play with grands kids. Just them staring into space till they die of loneliness

omojesu202:
It is no news that most marriages are collapsing.
Mine is just two years but I also see signs of collapse.

What's happening in my brothers marriage is painful to me because I know the financial investment and sacrifices he puts into it. I don't know what he did to his wife but she has turned his children against him.

Imagine that you cannot tell your 20 years old first son to wash your car like 7am, the mother will tell you that you should allow him to enjoy his sleep. Not once, not twice and not thrice.
This is the children you'll go hungry and borrow money to pay high school fees to make sure they go to good schools.

It is painful to me because I knew when he was paying 200k per term each on three kids while his basic was just 300k.

Now the firstborn and secondborn will disobey him on ordinary washing of car just because he can no longer meet up.

Please how would you handle such issues?
You might just hear that a man killed his wife and three children in the news. That would not be our portion.

From outside, she has been a good woman but she didn't blend the children to their father. The nature of his job takes him on transfer always and not stationed with his family but regular monthly visit is always there.

Your brother or you should be more concerned about the grievous harm he has placed himself.

Washing of hand is secondary, he has to settle his home and begin to lead it as if he were Hitler.

The use of "Fear" , must be his only option while he is still strong otherwise old age will not to be good a story to tell

Onyxunlimited:

We are not supporting the mother or the son. Ut is obvious even to a blind man that mother and son are wrong. But you will agree that this can never happen if the man has a personal relationship with his kids.
Even when the mother would say it is too early, the child would disagree with her because he values his father.

Unfortunately, this story is not about bonding: it is about disobedience and disrespect of the father.

If the OP complained his brother's kids does not relate with him or open up with their dad, then all these bonding talks would work.

It is the father's duty to create the relationship to make his children see him as the go to for their life issues and confidant.

However, simple tasks of obedience, please let's say it as it is.

The father has no fault in this case.

Imagine the father says he would stop paying their fees because he is not their confidant or they Don't watch CNN with him.

DrFunmisticGlow:
they don't actually owe you obedience. They should obey you because you have influence in their lives and that brings about respect.

But I agree that he should not tolerate disrespectful behavior from them. He should kick them out. At 20 and 18, they're not babies anymore.

Your first sentence is wrong.

I'm not one for biblical sayings but all cultures know this that children should honor(obey and respect) their parents.

In an African society, even kids that are not yours obey you when you speak to them.

In as much as we are trying to sound woke and developed, there are certain things that will never change.

My kids owe me obedience. I'm their father. Totalitarianism and Sadistic tyranny are not what I am talking about. Just plain simple obedience, at least till they are old enough for me to knight them as men and women with their own families.

lovelybugs:
If the car is the only issue then it's not enough reason to say they are disobeying him.

Since there's two of them this is even simple sef.
Let them share the task.
Son A washes today, son B tomorrow.
If washing it early is the issue they should wash it when he gets home.
He should compromise and let them wash it 5/7 times a week. Is he caring and compassionate to them?

Children of that age aren't stupid.
What you need from them would be respect and not the classic fear that has worked from when they were little to adolescent.

Give them treats once in a while.

He needs to bond with his children.
Men think it doesn't matter but these little things determine the kind of relationship you will have with your children in your old age.

I bet he doesn't even know anything about his children.

He should set aside time, could be a day, once a month, to take them out without his wife, on a field trip, go visit a resort, amusement park, tourist attractions and really take time to know his children.

If he's a genuine person, they'll grow to love him and he'll be amazed at the change that will happen.

And OP, money isn't the ultimate form of care. Whether he spent 2mill or 20k on their fees won't matter in the long run. What will matter is how he treated them.
What will matter is if he treated his children like someone he loves and cares for or like some investment he's expecting ROI from in the nearest future.

Raw, undiluted truth.

frozen70:


The truth is that, there is a cold war going on between your brother and his wife over an unresolved or untreated issues and the only way she can make it pain the husband is to instigate the children against him in such manner

If you can approach her, have a heart to heart talk with her and don't be surprise there are issues that wasn't properly handled

Even if you ask your brother he will say he did nothing because he may have forgotten

If you can get the truth its definitely from the wife and then you can mediate for them

No marriage is sweet they all have bitter taste

Another angle. Some women do this if the husband cheated on them when they were younger or if he maltreated her.

tsmith:


You ask some seemly valid questions in a typical sane situation and other irrelevant ones (20yr old kids help grown ass man dress, is he disabled)

Both poster and brother seem a little derailed and very entitled in my opinion.

Brother is type that likes his car washed every day, that sound alike border line OCD. how certain are you that he may prefer car washed in the morning than in the evenings?

The fact that they are ones kids and one provides (which is any parents responsibility anyway) doesn't mean the kids need ro be part of that pain.

Also women are often giving the short end of the stick when kids misbehave. It isn't the woman's responsibility to bridge a relationship between the kids and their father.

And the poster, he's married not for love, but just a vessel and means to have kids. And not kids to love, but kids to take care of him in old age. These are all warped mentalilties that lead to nothing but failure and pain.

can you listen to your self Nawa oo

You know I'm actually 21 and I don't wash my dad's tricycle (Keke),my kid bro(17) don't even do it self.. not that we are disrespectful oo, but we were not trained with it. He just bought the keke middle of 2020.

omojesu202:


I understand you perfectly.
He might have failed in bonding but I have personally witnessed her telling him to allow the children to rest, meanwhile he wanted them to help him with the car.

Is it bad for the children to rest?
What you should worry about is why their mother is advocating rest for them. Has she noticed they are stressed out which their father may have failed to notice?
Have they been under the weather?
What do they do normally i.e their daily activities?
What time do they come back from school, work or whatever hustle they do? I'm sure they just don't wake up, eat and go back to bed everyday
Are they having exams?
How much of the housework do they do at home?
What are the children passing through? I'm sure they surely have their own stressors too.
It's not enough for your brother to insist on having his cars washed everyday, when the children also have their own lives and pressure.
Its better you speak with the young men yourself, and genuinely find out what their worries are. Perhaps be a sort f mentor for them.
Young people are committing suicide too everywhere these days, and I genuinely think the boys may need proper mentoring from someone they respect. It's not an easy transition from being a young person to adulthood.
There are many dysfunctional families in Nigeria, particularly those who see children as being born to serve them
Your brother seems to have mentored you, but unfortunately failed with his children
They're of reasonable age now, he can send them out of his house if he can't accomodate them anymore

emmaodet:


And now that there is internet, shouldn't we take advantage of it by getting more audience and opinions? or what is the usefulness of the internet if we can't use it to do what we do offline

Lol This is another level of foolishness....

efavour:
Teaching kids responsibility and accountability is not a day job, and you don't pile it up at once. You give it to them little by little cos kids even 20 years old don't have the discipline to follow through on even a goal they themselves want not to talk of the one imposed on them.What I see in this case is lack of communication and inflexibility.If the boys are having problems as a teenager doing what their father wants them to do and could not voice out their reason. The mother could talk to their father to adjust the car washing time and maybe reduce the frequency. Then it won't turn to outright refusal to their father. The boys are not trained dogs that must obey wether they like it or not. Out of love like caring for our kids or parents comes the heart not from obligation. There is no way these boys would not be responsible enough to honor their father by washing his car and being helpful to him in other ways. But for those of you shouting, I paid school fees, I fed you why dare you disobey me. You don't even care the emotional state of the person at that time but you demand obedience as payment for whatever good you did for them earlier. It is not too late to change oh. Discard that aftican mentality. Have kids and enjoy them, don't have kids because you are looking for future servants. When you are old, they will care for you and enjoy it and not see you as a burden they are forced to carry because this person paid school fees. I wonder how you will feel if they remind you that they only reason they are still taking care of you is because you paid school fees not because they love you and enjoy having you around and doing things with you. No wonder some kids just provide house and foods for their old parents. Lock them at home with help and food , no socializing with them, no play with grands kids. Just them staring into space till they die of loneliness

So you mean kids of 20 years can follow through with goals, who are we to blame for this, if not the parents.

The legal age is 18 meaning, you are responsible for yourself ,so i still don't understand how a 20 year old kid is not responsible adult

EUEA:
u need 2 pray abt it,meet a marriage counsellor show her dat u need and luv her nd d children,u call ur boys talk 2 dem lik man3 to man,remember prayer is d key

True. God will reveal things to him through prayers.
Also, a professional marriage counselor will unearth every grudge, hidden pain and anger.

His wife did not turn his children against him, they were able to sense their father's weakness. Your brother lacks audacity, evident in the way his wife controls his demands. He needs to get back in control; not to be mean but spend more time with his children (physically or over the phone), be present in their lives (also communicate the state of his business to them, they might understand), punish them for any form of disobedience and finally, ignore his wife. He needs mental reorientation or he's going to loose it.

omojesu202:
It is no news that most marriages are collapsing.
Mine is just two years but I also see signs of collapse.

What's happening in my brothers marriage is painful to me because I know the financial investment and sacrifices he puts into it. I don't know what he did to his wife but she has turned his children against him.

Imagine that you cannot tell your 20 years old first son to wash your car like 7am, the mother will tell you that you should allow him to enjoy his sleep. Not once, not twice and not thrice.
This is the children you'll go hungry and borrow money to pay high school fees to make sure they go to good schools.

It is painful to me because I knew when he was paying 200k per term each on three kids while his basic was just 300k.

Now the firstborn and secondborn will disobey him on ordinary washing of car just because he can no longer meet up.

Please how would you handle such issues?
You might just hear that a man killed his wife and three children in the news. That would not be our portion.

From outside, she has been a good woman but she didn't blend the children to their father. The nature of his job takes him on transfer always and not stationed with his family but regular monthly visit is always there.

bukatyne:


Unfortunately, this story is not about bonding: it is about disobedience and disrespect of the father.

If the OP complained his brother's kids does not relate with him or open up with their dad, then all these bonding talks would work.

It is the father's duty to create the relationship to make his children see him as the go to for their life issues and confidant.

However, simple tasks of obedience, please let's say it as it is.

The father has no fault in this case.

Imagine the father says he would stop paying their fees because he is not their confidant or they Don't watch CNN with him.

That's where the bonding comes in. I don't think you could disobey or disrespect the person you love and have a good bond with, especially when it is a father/son bond. You'd be too attached to them to want to disrespect them.

omojesu202:
It is no news that most marriages are collapsing.
Mine is just two years but I also see signs of collapse.

What's happening in my brothers marriage is painful to me because I know the financial investment and sacrifices he puts into it. I don't know what he did to his wife but she has turned his children against him.

Imagine that you cannot tell your 20 years old first son to wash your car like 7am, the mother will tell you that you should allow him to enjoy his sleep. Not once, not twice and not thrice.
This is the children you'll go hungry and borrow money to pay high school fees to make sure they go to good schools.

It is painful to me because I knew when he was paying 200k per term each on three kids while his basic was just 300k.

Now the firstborn and secondborn will disobey him on ordinary washing of car just because he can no longer meet up.

Please how would you handle such issues?
You might just hear that a man killed his wife and three children in the news. That would not be our portion.

From outside, she has been a good woman but she didn't blend the children to their father. The nature of his job takes him on transfer always and not stationed with his family but regular monthly visit is always there.

He's probably not the biological father of that particular boy, I might be wrong tho but I'd bet my widow's mite he didn't father all three kids.

P.s. learn from your brother's mistake.. he probably saw these signs 2 years into his marriage just like in your own situation but chose to ignore.

luminouz:


So my children do not owe me obedience?

So because I decided to give birth to kids,they must be wayward, untrained, undisciplined and caustic dregs?

In an attempt to sound futuristic and a white man ideology-copycat, you ended up disgracing yourself.

Why on Earth do people seem so emotional and blind to glaring facts and become hypocritical?

Are you really telling me that BS up there or are you in the middle of something extrasensorily mind numbing?

So the biblical phrase of "spare the rod and spoil the child" comes from a place of knowing kids need to be trained,they need to obey. Since you lots love the Bible, check what the holy book says about children and obeying their parents.

So a man that trains and suffers for his kids must tolerate their disrespect because they owed him nothing? I wonder if it were to be the wife being disrespected, what your answer would be.

you are missing the point

Having a child has nothing to do with obedience, having a child means it is your respsonsiblity to raise them with or without obedience

African parents blackmail their kids as if its the kids faulty to be born, whereas it was their choice to have kids unprepared for the responsibility to come

So raising a child and obedience are two separate things, while you are raising a child thats when you teach them obedience and child not having obedience doesnt take away your resposiblility to look after your children

Though in this case a 20 year old is very old enough to have mastered few things to able to obey parents without creating a fight for the parents, there are underlining issues in this story. Both parents have contributed to the child's behavour

The boy, father and mum are all wrong, how would you feel being woken up 7am to wash a car ? the father should also show some respect to his son, for me at 20 he is nolonger a boy but a man he also deserve some man respect from his own father. If you own father doesnt respect you as man, how are you going to respect the father of your future wise, charity begins at home. The father is not teaching that to his son he is teaching him how to command through african hierachy as father without consideration of mutual respect.

The mother is also helping in breaking the relationship between father and son, always work as unity when giving role/work to children, the moment you give conflicting messages a child will choice where his/her wishes are being followed. The disobeyed parent would be seen as nonloving/rush parent by kids and that can create a drift between the two parents and also kids might drift to one side the easy one

Your own marriage is failing because you don't mind your business.

Olofofo.

webshopNG:

Clearly you do not understand what it means to have strong bond with your children, upbringing matters a lot.

No one needed to tell me to wash my fathers car before he heads out every morning. Teach youŕ children some sense of responsibility from tender age.

Exactly
I think the ops brother left raising his children to the woman. And women know how to spoil children

A man must take the driving seat in teaching the children to be responsible and good character
And this must start early
You instill discipline into them and ensure your madam respects herself

A man must be at the driving seat in the home.
That's exactly how my Papa raised us and that respect and discipline is there even as an advanced Man


The problem is a lot of men overlook
This most important aspect
A man should be a lion whom both wife and children not a sissy we are having now

thebosstrevor1:


So you mean kids of 20 years can follow through with goals, who are we to blame for this, if not the parents.

The legal age is 18 meaning, you are responsible for yourself ,so i still don't understand how a 20 year old kid is not responsible adult

forget what the legal age says. Alot of people above legal age , even adults still needs encouragement and motivations to even start off on their goals and finish them. Kids have penchant to ignoring or forgetting to do anything they don't term fun or that is not in their immediate interest. It does make them bad, they are just acting their age. And you don't teach kids by bringing up what you did for them as the reason why they should obey you. Have good communication rapport with your child. If the father has called his son and talked to him about taking up some responsibility around the house, tell him you are delegating washing the family car to them every morning. The kids I know will be like, dad 7am is too early and every day is too much nah. Now, they already know this is their assigned duty but can negotiate on timing and frequency. Even personal goals are continually adjusted to surmount obstacles that leads to abandonment of goals . Communication is good if parties involved are not rigid african with you must do as I said mentality. I mean those that believe that their word is law. And kids don't have feelings and shouldn't have voice either.

Zane2point4:

So kids you pay such amount of money wont Wash ordinary car for u??
So what will they do for you?

If you see no wrong in this then theres a problem.
I wash my fathers car for almost upto late twenties. Even extended to my elder brothers own.
Just say that family is dysfunctional and there's no hierachy atall,no respect.

from what the op wrote I think the man in question was careless with his finances and decision making in his prime working days . How can you be paying 600k for 3 kids per term and your salary is just 300k monthly .Do the maths his annual salary was 3.6m and he was paying 1.8m yearly for all the 3 kids leaving him with 1.8m for other expenses rent and day to day living . Forgetting that in the nearest future he will retire or stop active work (no retirement plan) if he made the right decisions and enrolled them in a school that was paying like 100k per term he would have been getting extra 1m yearly which he would have invested in side businesses or tops landed investment for his retirement years ,now that he can't meet up financially he his angry his kids won't do normal house chores that should not be an issue if he planned for his retirement (a house help can wash his car even 5 times a day if he can afford it ) . In as much as we try to give our kids the best education and life we should do it within our means and think of our future and their future as well . Of what use is it sending your kids to top notch primary and secondary schools them at university level you send them to a polytechnic or college of education cause the finances are no longer the same but it is better to send them to average schools and invest your money properly so you can send them to the best universities in the world and also enjoy your retirement peacefully .

omojesu202:
It is no news that most marriages are collapsing.
Mine is just two years but I also see signs of collapse.

What's happening in my brothers marriage is painful to me because I know the financial investment and sacrifices he puts into it. I don't know what he did to his wife but she has turned his children against him.

Imagine that you cannot tell your 20 years old first son to wash your car like 7am, the mother will tell you that you should allow him to enjoy his sleep. Not once, not twice and not thrice.
This is the children you'll go hungry and borrow money to pay high school fees to make sure they go to good schools.

It is painful to me because I knew when he was paying 200k per term each on three kids while his basic was just 300k.

Now the firstborn and secondborn will disobey him on ordinary washing of car just because he can no longer meet up.

Please how would you handle such issues?
You might just hear that a man killed his wife and three children in the news. That would not be our portion.

From outside, she has been a good woman but she didn't blend the children to their father. The nature of his job takes him on transfer always and not stationed with his family but regular monthly visit is always there.

He should do DNA test first. Then we can take it from there.

Onyxunlimited:

Another angle. Some women do this if the husband cheated on them when they were younger or if he maltreated her.

Exactly my points

When men treats women bad, they tend to forget and that's when the women starts working on them at the later stage of marriage

And they use all available means within their reach

OmodavidoX:
Going by all this nairaland post on marital issues. Singles like me will be scared to tow that part.

Marriage keep looking scary daily

Can we have couples who have been having it well come to motivate us

Not post of problems in marriage daily

I remember one post where a woman talk about how great her husband is and how good their marriage is going. People told her she's lying that her must be cheating on her without her knowledge. They all waved off her story because they came online for drama only.
Bad news sells and it travels fast. People leave their boring lives, log online to hear drama.

Nawa oo
Marriage of 2 years wey still suppose dey sweet as per new marriage, oga say if e wan crash, mk e crash, God abeg ooo

luminouz:


Your first sentence is wrong.

I'm not one for biblical sayings but all cultures know this that children should honor(obey and respect) their parents.

In an African society, even kids that are not yours obey you when you speak to them.

In as much as we are trying to sound woke and developed, there are certain things that will never change.

My kids owe me obedience. I'm their father. Totalitarianism and Sadistic tyranny are not what I am talking about. Just plain simple obedience, at least till they are old enough for me to knight them as men and women with their own families.

if the father/mother is a deadbeat and nothing more than a sperm/egg donor. Do you think the kids will owe them obedience?

Don't be so black and white in your thinking.

You knighting your children? What are you? the queen of england? Get your head out of your arsehole.

DrFunmisticGlow:
if the father/mother is a deadbeat and nothing more than a sperm/egg donor. Do you think the kids will owe them obedience?

Don't be so black and white in your thinking.

You knighting your children? What are you? the queen of england? Get your head out of your arsehole.

K

ZIMDRILL:


you are missing the point

Having a child has nothing to do with obedience, having a child means it is your respsonsiblity to raise them with or without obedience

African parents blackmail their kids as if its the kids faulty to be born, whereas it was their choice to have kids unprepared for the responsibility to come

So raising a child and obedience are two separate things, while you are raising a child thats when you teach them obedience and child not having obedience doesnt take away your resposiblility to look after your children

Though in this case a 20 year old is very old enough to have mastered few things to able to obey parents without creating a fight for the parents, there are underlining issues in this story. Both parents have contributed to the child's behavour

The boy, father and mum are all wrong, how would you feel being woken up 7am to wash a car ? the father should also show some respect to his son, for me at 20 he is nolonger a boy but a man he also deserve some man respect from his own father. If you own father doesnt respect you as man, how are you going to respect the father of your future wise, charity begins at home. The father is not teaching that to his son he is teaching him how to command through african hierachy as father without consideration of mutual respect.

The mother is also helping in breaking the relationship between father and son, always work as unity when giving role/work to children, the moment you give conflicting messages a child will choice where his/her wishes are being followed. The disobeyed parent would be seen as nonloving/rush parent by kids and that can create a drift between the two parents and also kids might drift to one side the easy one

Your last paragraph is what concerns me bro.

I have said my piece on the others.

Have a good one

omojesu202:
It is no news that most marriages are collapsing.
Mine is just two years but I also see signs of collapse.

What's happening in my brothers marriage is painful to me because I know the financial investment and sacrifices he puts into it. I don't know what he did to his wife but she has turned his children against him.

Imagine that you cannot tell your 20 years old first son to wash your car like 7am, the mother will tell you that you should allow him to enjoy his sleep. Not once, not twice and not thrice.
This is the children you'll go hungry and borrow money to pay high school fees to make sure they go to good schools.

It is painful to me because I knew when he was paying 200k per term each on three kids while his basic was just 300k.

Now the firstborn and secondborn will disobey him on ordinary washing of car just because he can no longer meet up.

Please how would you handle such issues?
You might just hear that a man killed his wife and three children in the news. That would not be our portion.

From outside, she has been a good woman but she didn't blend the children to their father. The nature of his job takes him on transfer always and not stationed with his family but regular monthly visit is always there.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=244631953711063&id=104400186269172 op join this program every morning What GOD cannot do does not exist NSPPD

this is not normal nah buh is never too late, brother should secretly do DNA or he should check his mistakes to his wife if he's not guilty then if it's me I will change their school to lesser sch like that of 200k to 80k or 50k nd that of 300k to 100k for sometime nd later reduce it to cheeper one nd use my money for one personal investment which will be known to only me cos women are funny she might have one sugar boy way dey finger her brain make dem no ruin my life..

Does your brother listen to his wife and children when he was very buoyant or uses paying of bills to shut them up?

How was the relationship between the father and his children in the past?

Does he listen to advice and suggestions from his wife and children?

Maybe when he had money, he was only settling bills, had no time to play his role, and doesn't listen to his nuclear family.

You brother might even be more of an extended family man than actually spending quality time with his family. So after his numerous transfers, that is when he comes home on a monthly basis, he still gives little time to bond with his nuclear family, because whenever he returns all the extended want to spend some time with him.

Your brother might even be listening to you more than he listens to his wife and children.

The nuclear bond from the father/husband is weak.

Depressed101:
simple thing, bring a young respectable boy from his village, treat him like a son and let him wash your car like a son should. I believe 20year Olds should know not every father was ever there for their children, they that have a father who was there for them don't know what they have... Nonesense

This is your response Guy.
Adopt a son, and treat their fuucck up

okeythaone:
Why would you want any body to wash your car everyday ! If u flip places, as a son or daughter, can you wash your parents car everyday? Get a car cover for ur car if you don't like seeing dirt on ur car. Telling them to wash at least twice a week is more reasonable.
Also, talking about money he spent, was it wise of him to spend 200k out of a 200k salary, on school fees? Having 3 children. Why not put them in a school he can comfortable afford. The stress would have been less n there won't be much regret.

you sound intelligent ba, whats so hard to wash a car that won't take more than 30minutes every morning Nawaoo,men of nowadays sef