₦airaland Forum

jennykadry: Actually lets start it cos that rant up there was so uncalled for...was it not the same reason why I started a thread about NIN's being unnecessarily jealous of the NID's? Read Ypepe's post and tell me it's not filled with so much bitterness and hate...How many NID's go ahead criticising a good marriage? how many times have we made fun of people's marriage? if she is so jealous and needs to leave the shores ofNigeria let her say so and be done with it.

The problem NID's have with nigeria is the lack of good government, the government has refused to favour it's citizens, so why blame citizens that choose to stay where they are well represented and cared for?

Just a few days ago I had a chat to a friend of mine in Nigeria who is unable to afford hospital bills and that made me weep, why should I go back to a country with poor health care system when all I have to do here is go to the hospital spend as many days as I like and come out without paying a dime? why should I go back to Nigeria and settle when ASUU just recently called off a 6 month strike?

The above problems are what we in diaspora are complaining about not some nonsense about married couples in the west. I read stories like Subzidi who is a Nigerian married to a nigerian and living in Nigeria and I admire and respect her marriage. I have sisters who choose to live in Nigeria and are happily married there...IF I and my beloved immediate family refuse to live in Nigeria or come celebrate our marriage in Nigeria, why would another woman born of a woman come in here and chat shyt That post of Ypepe reeks of jealousy and hate and hypocrisy and envy and and....freaking damnation and this is coming from someone who preaches peace on this section? I am so fvking disappointed hypocrisy I say bloody hypocrisy

sorry oh, but please what is NID and NIN I guess i have been away too long

Kokobebi: Just an observation

Some hop from thread to thread,not stating their opinions.
They quote others and stoke the embers...then bounce around like a yoyo..

Just like I'm doing now..

@Op,we are Nijirians,society,religion,has made us carry marriage as a cross,marriage is a life definer,you must stay married till you die.divorcees are seen as contagious failures in some parts.I'm sure the discriminatory people don't count in the larger scale of things.You own your life,run it how you deem fit.Life is too short to bother about misery cats.

You know Debrief I'm sure..She was constantly abused online,just for being a divorcee.The people typing are real.If they were soo terrible to her on the web,imagine what they are like in reality.

Just live your life o.

GBAM @ bolded comment!!!!!

ypepe: Nothing to trash out.
@op should read my first and only post to her.
Has her family and relative crucified her yet?
D strength she said she needed,is she not getting that from naija?
Why d generalization?

......sighhhhhhhhhhhh

no more comments abeg! i'm done explaining

ypepe: Ile, and so what?
My supposed rant is what I've been observing since I started using nl and its very nauseting. Abeg if ur marriage and life is rocking for u wherever u r, spare us that don't even know d meaning of marriage and life.
Nigerians don't know how to treat their wives, they hate divorced folks, they do this and that yet we and our families and friends r part of d system.
What r u doing to change d system if u so hate it?
At least some of us will start by changing their names first.
Such hypocrisy.

And I asked the @op,has her people crucified her yet?
Stop generalising. Period.

..... and the op has this to say. My brothers and sisters can not and will not judge me because they know what i went through and not just that, they are well learned and brought up enough to know that you do not look down or snub another person who has had one ill-luck or the other. Divorce is a horrible thing and it does serious damage to a lot of folks self esteem and mental state. I wrote what i saw and went through with some women in my compound, church and neighborhood. and As for generalizing, please take time to read everything i posted yesterday and you'll clearly see where i said that during my trying period, i got tons of support from fellow Nigerians here on NL.

bluuu: @ op,its 46k ,iv confirmed from someone

thanks a million bluuu... i knew it! everybody i called yesterday told me it can never be 70k. I can't believe this kid tried to play a fast one on me! Well, we shall see who laughs last!

Take care and God bless

Chillisauce: Ma friend, park well dia. Guilty conscience fears no accusation. If my post is not applicable to you, then worka pass Jor. How difficult can it be.

If you tell me mechonu again I go peel those your lips like how they peel that of native fowl

hahahahahahaha...my dear Chillisauce, i'm laughing over the bold comment . 2 days ago i used the same saying and i was set straight in a not so kind way ... it's ackshually "a clear conscience fears no accusation" for some reason a lot of folks switch the "clear" with "guilty" which really doesn't make sense! why would a guilty conscience fear an accusation it is guilty!

Chillisauce: Btw, no one liked my profile pic

nne, no vex oh but ur profile pic made me go "ouch" whats up with that pic? i know that isn't you or maybe you are an advocate against spousal abuse..

mgbeketoto: Like I stated earlier. . .NOTHING PERSONAL.
I only quoted you to show what goes on in the minds of divorced people in general. . .NOT JUST WOMEN.
Nigerian men are always in denial of course.
Most of the time, DIVORCED people do not know they wear HALOS OF MISERY.
The reason I stated you may not be in the best position to evaluate yourself!

alright dear... i understand! by the way i love your afro in your profile pic! Time for me to hit the sack. Feels good to be back on NL!!!! g'nite all

@mgbeketoto...would you like to also dig deeper and pull up everything i have ever posted on NL? feel free love! It still doesn't make my findings seem any less true!

mgbeketoto: https://www.nairaland.com/1043889/life-woman-after-divorce/8

Did you not write this too?



This is not a personal thing for me. DIVORCED MEN ARE NO BETTER.
Divorce damages the MATERIAL AND SPIRITUAL PSYCHES OF PEOPLE IN GENERAL. . .Nigerians take it EVEN HARDER BECAUSE OF THEIR HYPOCRITICAL WAYS OF LIVES!

Nothing personal. . . JUST THE FACTS!

....pray tell, what has that got to do with my current post?

mgbeketoto: Because. . . the divorced women keep looking to SNATCH other MARRIED women's husbands, since they are now in the 'SINGLE 'OL CARGO' group of horrrrny beeetchez who can't find and keep men NIGERIAN PLC!

Have you seen ANY divorced NIGERIAN WOMAN that ain't 'beetchy'?
Boy! They become miserable and MEEEEEEEEAAAAAAN-spirited after the divorce.

THEY GET REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL JEALOUS OF OTHER WOMEN WHO HAVE MANAGED TO STAY MARRIED. . . happily or UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER!

I AVOID THEM!

I also AVOID DIVORCED MEN TOO! THEY ARE EVEN WORSE PSYCHOS!

I'm not "beetchy" neither am i miserable and meeeeeeeeaaaaaaaan-spirited. I don't get reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal jealous of other women. I don't avoid them either...and that's because i know better and common sense prevails

My msn/hotmail account associated with NL is no more being used. Apparently hotmail is no longer in use. I need to update my NL email as there are folks sending me messages there but it seems NL has disabled the feature.
Please how do i update this information

bellong: Why do they look down on them?

Maybe they need something to gossip about or someone to look down on as being below them.

In life, people should care less about the useless opinion of others and focus on becoming what they want to be.

Meanwhile, it is not just a Nigerian thing, it is human nature but with different mode of expression.

why i specifically mentioned Nigeria was because in all the years i've lived in Canada, London and the US, I have never known or seen the kind of "look-down" on divorced women as i have seen during my time in Nigeria. Take me for instance, when i first go to Nigeria last year, i didn't think i would be causing any wahala by clearly stating the fact that i am a divorced woman to those women in church and my neighborhood who were asking "how ur husband and chillren". I was asked the same question in the States and i answered truthfull, "I'm divorced" and what i got was a lot of "ohhh hun, how are you coping?" "do u feel like talking about it sweety" and a lot of other sweet nicey stuff that always ended up making me cry like a baby! Truth be told, I got a lot of emotional support from members of the NL family and health sections...i guess i shouldn't then categorize all Nigerian women as snubs then!! But when i arrived Nigeria and mentioned divorce, what i got was a quick shift away from me, some eye roll and then a really stupefying question "what did you do"

[quote author=baby_123]In Nigeria you have to have tough skin to survive. And when you are tough they must call you ashawo. So Abeg, just pick the worst name, laugh and continue your life. Olote only know how to talk. Once you begin to focus on yourself, outside noise will not even move you[/quote]hahahahahahaha.... very funny... not just ashawo but a lot of other vile names! Nigerian women no dey carry last when it comes to name calling and degradation of their fellow woman whom they find "lacking" in any way!

Please i was told that the acceptance fee for UNIBEN for Law is 70,000. Is this true? I thought it was 46k excluding the medicine dept. Please help! i think my ward is trying to play a fast one on me.

Latifahed: Wow.i just came across this thread,and also went through your posts@pslm23 .And its almost 3am .am indeed touched by all what you went through.Our Good Lord is your strenghth.i wish you all the happiness and love this life has to offer.Have a blessed new year filled with laughter

Thanks and a Happy New Year to you Latifa. I am healthy, happy and filled with so much peace and Joy! The Lord has been good to me in every facets of life. When i was at my lowest, He lifted me high and i can only go higher from here on! It is well with me now spirit soul and body and I am complete once again!

Happy New Year dear NL folks! I have a burning question that I hope a matured person or persons can shed some light on.

why is that Nigeria women tend to look down on other women who are divorced? In other countries, who cares if you are divorced or married? who cares if you get pregnant one month or one year after marriage? The kind of pressure put on women here is unbelievable! But what irks me to no end is how these hoity toity pompous women treat women who are divorced as if they are going straight to hell or like they are lepers!
I know the Bible frowns upon divorce but the Bible also frowns upon hundreds of things that we are all guilty of committing! As far as I'm concerned, any woman who is bold enough to walk out of an abusive relationship or marriage deserves an award in Nigeria not condemnation!
Then there is the other pressure put on women who are yet to get pregnant after marriage, the way they start getting evil and strange snickering looks from the "fertile" peers barely 6 months into their marriage is absolutely sickening. Not only are they getting pressure from their family (in-laws) but when their neighbors, church women etc start making subtle references as to the state of their flat tummy leaves me to wonder why?

Please can someone tell me something about the Edo culture especially their marriage process.

i have a friend who was engaged to an Edo man. he did the introduction but after a couple of years they broke up. They've been broken up now for 2 and half years, he has come into a lot of oil money and is doing well and engaged but my friend is now insisting they were married by virtue of the introduction and that he must take her back and recognise her as his first wife. I have done all i can to make her see reason but she's adamant. So please, is introduction the same as marriage in Edo land?

scratch that

Ujujoan: I'm raising the paternity issue because you and your cousin seem to be buying his story hook line and sinker . . .

If the ex was really as promiscuous as he claims, it's highly unlikely that he will accept the paternity of ALL the kids . . . even the one conceived in drunken stupor!

Something just doesn't add up . . .

And yes, your cousin should also be blamed. How could she have leaped without looking

Before I got married, my family asked questions about his family, his mother's family, his past e.t.c . . .

Marriage is for life and going into it without facts is a big risk. She's an adult, she should have been more careful!

Again, i am not going into any paternity issue here please. He knows whether they are his or not and frankly speaking i don't care either way and neither does my cousin. he has looked at those children and raised them as his and that's all that matters
If you read my earlier posts, you will see where I clearly stated that both families met before bride price was paid and before the court marriage happened. it was from this meeting that everything about the ex was put on the table and my folks were concerned in case the woman came back to attack my cousin. His family reassured ours that there chapter was closed and it was only the kids that bound them now.
So she and my family did do their research and she did not blindly walk into a marriage without facts.

Ify, Ify, you are not reading through carefully. There were numerous sit downs and talks between these two involving pastors, family, friends and even neighbors and police.
See why I want to keep quiet sometimes because when I try to clarify points like this, some people here get all huffy and start accusing me of being one sided and saying all kinds of things. Jeeze!
I truly regret bringing this here. When I was going through my own crisis I was impressed with the concern a lot of you showed me and I guess that was why I brought this here. Not for you all to pat my in law on the back and say 'great job bro, you have suffered" but just to find how to stop someone from harassing another before it turns to something else. All I have seen so far is name callings, attacks on my cousin, snide jibes directed at me... all for what? At the end of the day the issue is still on the table.

ifyalways: I need you to explain what you mean by "split up, separated" ?

According to the mans story, he got another girl pregnant, moved in with her, the woman tricked her home, they fought,he MOVED out, met your cousin and wedded her. Is that what y'all label they've separated amicably?
I dey laugh oh.
He left the woman and she simply sat doing her thing and watching him.

The man should please go do the right thing and stop acting innocent/victim. I agree he didn't pay the dowry but "moving out" is not yhe proper way to separate from a woman that bore u 4 kids. There has to be a sit down discussion, talks and agreement, shikena.

your interpretation is off track Ify. He left her when the fightings got worse. She moved on with her life, started dating and was happy as best as she could. He still provided for his children and her, feeding and etc. He was also in the dating scene. She only came out spitting fire when she found out that he had re-married. Is it ok for him to date after they broke up but not ok for him to get married? Is it ok for her to date other men and him not to?

Ujujoan: I completely agree that the ex is a crazy lunatic . . . possiblly possessed and suffering from severe family problems.

But you act like your cousin's husband is completely without blame. Even if the lady had the child for him (because he was against abortion), still not enough reason for him to stay with her. He loved blindly and f00lishly and is reaping the consequences now. If he wasn't so selfish, he would have thought of the children her was bringing into this world and not only about his own blinded infatuation. It's sad that innocent children are caught in the middle . . .

Meanwhile this is the part that confuses me . . . if the woman is as promiscuous as he claims, how sure is he that the four kids are his Especially the last one which he claimed was as a result of a rap-e

How come he's accepting the kids without question knowing fully well he's not the only one 'going in there'

The paternity of the kids is something I am not touching or going into. None of my bizwax. I said in an earlier post that the guy f'd up big time too. he is not blameless. I have never said he was all free from blame. All i was trying to do was stop y'all from disparaging my cousin and saying things that were not true about her.
The ex and my in law are both to blame for the mess on hand and it is quite obvious

jennykadry: Oh please..... Not everyone has to agree with you. If you wanted to hear only what you want to hear you should have kept the story to yourself and not bring it here. Some people choose not to believe the man and his very dumb reasons so deal with it already. Pfffttt

I never said i wanted anybody to agree with me. Let's get that fact straight.

I see people saying it's his fault. She wanted an abortion and he refused. She refused his marriage proposal etc. They both made the conscious decision to lay together without protection and it resulted in a pregnancy. he tried to do the right thing by asking to marry her cos apparently they had both declared love for each other etc. she refused and wanted an abortion, he is against abortion. He pleaded with her and got his mom and others to intervene to beg her to keep his child and she relented. How does this make him a monster?

Out of the 4 pregnancies, only 2 was what she wanted aborted. Why don't you all ask why she is abortion hungry when she keeps having unprotected intercourse? If you don't want to get burnt you don't play with fire.

Yes Ify, in this day and age there are people, graduates that can't operate a computer. Go to computer schools and see them learning how to. My step brother at 33 doesn't even know where the on button is on a laptop and he is a graduate!

ifyalways: @Debo,I don't expect anything from anyone but the man decided to give us a detailed run down of why he's leaving her and surprising, it seems the woman is useless on ALL fronts. He says he's left her because she, simply put is a devil.
I find it absolutely strange that a woman can be that bad.

Ofcourse, he is entitled to waltz out just as the woman is entitled to saying "no I want you back", see ? Is he lying about the woman and why? No, you can't cook up lies in order to justify your plans to dump a woman that stayed with u for 17 years just because you sniffed a fresh kpekus.

Ify i am surprised at the things you are writing. But hey, it's your opinion. your statement "cooking up lies to justify dumping a woman he stayed with for 17 years just proves to me that you are not following this thread closely but picking bits of it to buttress whatever point you are trying to make. First of, there are no PLANS TO DUMP anybody. they have split up. they split up long before he married my cousin. he moved out of the house.

caropy: @pslm23, am sorry if I have different view from yours and also being so blunt. I don't mean to haunt you with the past pls, just that I am from the school of 'long term effect'.

I don't go posting like that on nl, I just got interested cos of the same issue I have being mentioning. So if you feel I have offended you in any way, don't take it like that, just see it as a word coming from someone with a different opinion from yours or from some pips here.

Hope you are ok now?

Thank you caropy. I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate what you just did. Good night all.

Like my late mom used to say, "if you have nothing nice to say about someone, anyone, maybe you shouldn't say anything at all". You don't know me from Adam, you don't my trials and tribulations. All you know is what I chose to spill on this site about myself. A few people here know me outside of this place and i like it like that.
If my in law lied or told the truth you are in no position to know unless you know the players in this case and are aquainted with the story from start to finish. Caropy back off with your insinuations and detective know it all attitude. We get it, you are a strong woman who cannot sit back and watch another woman whether good or bad be put in the spotlight. Women's lib at work here. I have no problem with that but make your point and cut out the insults of people you do not know

[quote author=caropy][/quote]Caropy what is your problem with me if i might ask? DO i know you from somewhere? What part of "this case has nothing to do with my life or my past" don't you get? You are free to insult my cousin and her husband and say whatever you want, it is a free world but please, I'm begging you, stop mentioning my case. it has absolutely no correlation with this issue except for the fact that i am related to the lady whom i "aproko'd" and posted on her behalf. The same way you feel that it is within your right to condemn and call my in law's version of the story poo and whatever else is the same way others feel entitled to speak their mind however they choose. Live and let live is a saying you might wanna adopt!

The question that was initially asked at the beginning of this thread was what should she do within the confines of the law to stop the verbal insults and harassment. We have established one thing so far, she isn't changing her cell phone number and she won't "run away" for something she did not do or cause.

This is all i have to say. I only did this for the sake of my wife. I pray my ex gets off her lazy behind and at least learn how to work a computer so she can come here and refute all i've said. but for now, i am done explaining myself. I am a happy man and I will protect this woman God has blessed me with with all my life. Two miscarriages because she won't stop stressing. I made her come down to Nigeria and I blame myself. I have told her to return back to Austria or the US and i will wrap up things here, make provision for my kids and come and join her but as stubborn as she is, she has refused.

I hope men learn a lesson from my experience. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to survive. I needed to be alive to raise my children and see my grandchildren. My ex would have made that extremely impossible.

I was a one woman man for years. Was faithful to her and devoted and all i got was grief. You women tend to let emotion rule instead of common sense. All you all could see was that oh he was screwing her for free for 17 years and fathered 4 kids and now he has dumped her for something else. It is not always like that!
My wife has nothing to do with me leaving my ex. My wife accepted me with my 4 kids when no other woman would. My wife encouraged me to let the oldest boy come live with us cos he was complaining that he didn't like the men his mom was bringing to the house. My wife whether you all want to see it is an Angel and that is why i wasted no time in marrying her before someone else took her.
My ex is acting the way she is now because it is who she is. Whether anybody wants to believe it or not, her family don't want to have anything to do with her cos she has shamed them on so many occasions. All they care about are the grand kids. Yes some of my family members still give her ears but it is because she showers them with gifts and lies about me and my wife and they have one or two things against me.
My crime here was that i listened to men of God, listened to family, listened to friends and remained in an abusive volatile situation and caused mental harm to my children who witnessed the violence. The last born is a girl and one day when she and her brothers were playing and goofing around, the boy picked up a knife and was chasing his sister saying "come let me chook you" they thought it was all fun and games but I was beyond upset when I was told. I blame myself for this and that was why i put them in boarding school, to remove them from all that and have some kind of discipline instilled in them. My ex has made it clear that they are all coming to live with me because she wants to be able to find a husband and she can't do it with 4 children by her side