₦airaland Forum

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Desperation is when u're in a taxi. Ur girlfriend texts u, "SEX TONIGHT ?"
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You type, "YES"
Then a thief snatches ur phone through the window and instead of shouting for "HELP!"
You shout,
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" Press Send.....!
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Press Send!
Take away the Goddamn phone but please press Send!!!"

A woman & her son were riding in a taxi.

All the prostitutes were standing at a bus stop.

Boy : Mom, what are these women doing here ?

Mom : They are waiting for their husband.

Taxi driver : Why don't you tell him the truth, that they are hookers & have sex with men for money.

Boy : Is that true Mom ?

Mom : (Glaring hard at the driver) YES.

Kid : Mom, what happens to the babies these women have ?
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Mom : They become taxi drivers...!!

Akpors just got a job as a porter in a five star hotel in Abuja.

The manager told him: "...in here we give every customer personalized services and you have to be very observant so you
know how to address their every need even before they ask"

Before the manager could finish, a couple walked through the hotel entrance and the manager quickly approached them, nicely took their baggage and said,
"Welcome Mr & Mrs James, it is our delight to have you in our hotel. Please come this way to the reception" ... and he led them to the reception.

After the couple had been taken care of, Akpos asked the manager,
"Has the couple been visiting this hotel before?"

"No" came the reply from the manager

"So how come you knew their name?" asked Akpors.

"That is why I told you to be very observant.
All I had to do was quickly look at the label on their baggage while I'm taking it from them and see the name on the tag".

"Oh, here comes another couple. Why don't you give it a try?"

"Ok" said Akpos and he hurriedly approached the couple, helped them with their luggage and said,
"Welcome Mr & Mrs MADE IN
CHINA! We are delighted to have you in our hotel..."

Akpos & Ochuko were discussing the new secretary at their office.

Ochuko to Akpos : Man, I went on a date with her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!

Two days later.
Akpos to Ochuko : Well, I went on a date with her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!

aquaprin90: The first one is too good....

Thanks.... I appreciate...

A guy who was an aeroplane cleaner was cleaning the pilot's cockpit and saw a book entitled, “How to fly an aeroplane for beginners, Vol. 1 ".

He opened the first page which said; "To
start the engine, press the red button". He did so
and the airplane engine started.

He was pleased and opened the next page, "To set airplane moving press blue button". He did so and the plane started moving at an amazing speed.

He wanted to fly, he opened the 3rd page which said; "To let airplane fly, please press the green
button". He did so and the plane started to fly. He was so happy.

After 20 minutes of flying, he was satisfied and wanted to land. He opened to the 4th page. The
4th page said, "To learn how to land a plane, please watch out for Volume 2...

SniperInADiaper: So make it three.

y do 3some wen Am available....?

Akpos came first in his class and his class teacher gave him a gift saying,

"Well done Akpos, I hope u will do d same next time"

Akpos smiled and said, "Thank u sir, I hope u will come again next time to print d question papers at my uncle's printing press."

Mr Akpors ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands.

He was so proud of what the car can do without mistakes.

He was not able to go out on a day, his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school because she was so tired.

Mr Akpors agreed.

Mr Akpors: Car, go and bring my children from school.

The car went and didn't return on time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no car, Mr Akpors became worried, dressed up, ready to lodge a report at the police station.

He and his wife just stepped outside when they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said,
"These are your children sir"

In the car was their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbours two sons.

Wife: Don't tell me all these ones are your children?

Mr Akpors, nonplussed, calmly replied.. DEAR,CAN YOU TELL ME WHY YOUR OWN CHILDREN ARE NOT IN THE CAR ??

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify
in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his
missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

who n who z gonna woo me nah??

A couple received a letter 4rm dia daughter who went overseas 2 study physics and d letter reads: "my beloved parents, i miss u so much and it breaks my hrt 2 fink dat by d time i get back u wil b too old, so i enclosed a bottle of portion i av invented.it wil make u young.so when i return, u wil b d same age as i left u. NOTE:Pls. "Take only a drop". So dey opened d envelope and in it there is a bottle wit a red portion. D man looked at d wife and said: u go first (typical of men) so d wife takes a drop thereafter, d huzband follows. Indeed d wife turned 5yrs younger, years letter d daughter returns home 2 find her mum young and pretty,carrying a baby on her back. D mother proceeds 2 tel her daughter how d portion worked and made her look young. D daughter was delighted and asks of her dad. MOTHER:Ur father? Hmm!, my child, ur father was so jealous dat i was so young and beautiful, so he drank d whole portion. DAUGHTER: What? So where is he? MOTHER: Hahaha!, who do u fink is d baby boy on my back?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. What type of bra?" asked the clerk. Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type? Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen...
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright...
And The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills....

dademola: y u dey use "or" instead of "and" for these useless fools?

so dat it wnt be as if somebody paid Jones to show them Tai Chi skills

follow me @nwokelaw. I ff baq almost instantly...

During an argument, a HUSBAND told his WIFE, "women are just DONKEYS. All women are DONKEYS!"

The next day as they were travelling along the highway, a donkey
crosses right in front of their car.

The WIFE tells her HUSBAND, "Sweetheart, be careful. Your sister is crossing the road."

good morning

Akpos in a new Secondary School

TEACHER : There will be an elementary science test next week.

Contrary to his nature, Akpos reads his book from cover to cover like no man's business.

On test day, teacher lines up about 5 birds, covering each with a piece of cloth so only their legs are visible.

QUESTION 1 : Looking at the leg of a bird write down its common name, species, family, zoological name, habitat etc.

After about 20mins of frustration and not writing down anything, Akpos storms to the teacher's desk and slams his blank sheet in front of the teacher.

AKPOS : Sir, this test makes no sense! I am going home!

TEACHER : What a rude boy! Come back here. What is your name ?

Akpos raises his trouser and points to his leg "Oya, you too, look at my leg and tell me my name, my surname, my house address,
what tribe I come from...."

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a
hammer.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out with great emotion, “You bastard!”

The judge goes on to say, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, with even
greater emotion, “You rotten bastard!”

The judge stops and says, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood ?”

The man stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honour, but I’ve lived next door to that assehole for 15 years and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

jassie: You shameless baboon!
You nor notice say queue dey for here? Nor be me first dey comment? If any 1 here suppose flirt, na me get d right. . . Ole!

Ask Amaka Nah.. our love is true. And true love no dey lie...

why this thing no do Giggs? Or welbeck? Or cleverley sef...? E come be Rooney

welcome back...

FABULOSITYREADS: Hello everyone. Happy to be here and looking forward to creating friendships.
I'm Wendy from Southie. I used to be here as X_Factor but that was about two years ago and everything has changed so I feel brand new. Around the time I stopped which was 2011 I had taken a trip to Nigeria for 3 months (10 weeks in Abuja and 2 in Imo State) but on my return never got back to what I did online with my bloging, etc until now. I'm so pleased to be back ya'all!
Much Love

SailorXY: Na gun shot wound be that?

No, Na machete wound be dat

LoveAmaka88: Thanks!

my luv, I'd like to post some of mine... should I go ahead??

Nayah: Loool

Joeydozzy just told me to tell u dat u've got his heartbeat running away.... Dat his heart is no longer beating... It's nw drumming... Just cos he looked at ur pix...

joeydozzy: I looked at your picture and my girl's and I broke up with her

Hehehe...
Badt guys

nadia_SA: I havnt seen her..

Which page..?

Her profile...

nadia_SA: BeautifuL peOpLE..

Av u seen caribchic? she z beauty personified...

joeydozzy: ella me está matando suavemente

Hmmmm .... decirle. Ella se ve como una persona con un gran corazón ... Estoy seguro de que lo entenderá.

joeydozzy: Nayah

why u dey cry for the babe Nah