₦airaland Forum

adontcare:
God is not mocked. What a man/ woman sow, that they will reap. Ask ur mum and dad what they did wrong. There must be something evil they had done that is affecting ur 42 yr brother. The bible said, train up a child in d way that he should grow and when he is old he will not depart from it. They where sparing the rod on him and now spoilt

I have read all your comments and thus feel they are quite understood. Please refrain from adding more salt to the injury by your appraoch.. I quite undersand that individuals are entitiled to their opinions but please allow people to contribute meaningfully here. What we need is solution to our problem and not distraction! Thank you.

bukatyne:
I believe he is going back to environments that fuel/support his drug addiction hence the constant replase.

Take him back to rehab, let him stay there for long while you guys rally round to set up a new life in another location.

It is well.

Sorry for the stress and strain on your emotions and finances.

Hmmmm. We did exactly these things when he was discharged in 2017 from a govt. rehab center after so much money was spent in the process. We changed his environment completely, got him an apartment and a nice job. You know what? He called us six days into starting the job and said he was quitting and he left the job and travelled and never came back. I am only bitter because, he went back to our family house to stay with my mum. He troubles her for money every day and molests whenever she refuses to give.

Greatzeus:
Wow this is sad, classical drug addict scenario. They will sell anything or steal anything to get the drugs. See do not judge him,I pity him actually,when the urge comes,you can't resist,it's like you'll die if you didn't take the drugs.
He should be taken to a good rehabilitation center,but I don't know how effective they are in Nigeria. You can take him abroad if you can afford it.
There are very good drugs rehabilitation centers overseas that will cure him completely,a lot of artists and rappers and celebrities in America were once like this but received help. Toni Braxton, Lindsay Logan etc

Waoh! This is a great idea but the cost. I really wish we have the capacity to do so. We may need to consider taking him to a rehab again within the country.

Ejenavi18:
Op I'm not in support of disowning him, he needs to be treated.
That other guy that suggest disowning him should be in position to answer your questions.

Thank you Sir. I appreciate all your advise. We may need to revisit the issue of sending him to another rehabilitation center. He was once at the psychiatric hospital in Aro, Abeokuta. Do you think sending him there again will be better than taking him to another one entirely?

Ejenavi18:
Haba!
It has not come to this point na?
Disowning him won't help.


He has a mental Illness and needs to be treated.
What if they disown him and he slips into depression?
And of course you know what depression can lead to.

Will disowning him also give the right to banish him from our family house where he currently lives to terrorise everyone? Our father is late. Can any member of the family stand in the gap of declaring him disowned? What does the law say concerning this?

Ningen:
What??
He beats up your aged mum, his own mother??

DISOWN HIM.
It's time for your “aged” mother to rest!

He's an adult of 42yrs, mentally institutionalized twice and declared “fit” for the society. Gifted a job but only to quit. Doesn't want to earn a living and only into drugs. Una don try, GOD knows.

Yes, he beats up his mum and those around him particularly when he needs money for his drugs and no one is willing to give.


Honestly, have been through a lot. Now, many relatives and friends have deserted us due to fear of being molested when they visit.

Fabulouzjoseph:
He needs to see a good psychologist and undergo certain therapies. Everyone deserves a second chance.

He will refuse to see any psychologist... The matter no be small thing..

Ejenavi18:
He should be readmitted to a psychiatric hospital. I think he's suffering from a relapse since he has already been on admission before.
Afterwards he should be made to undergo rehabilitation at the Drug Abuse Treatment Education and Research(DATER) unit of the hospital.
If it's possible to change his environment after rehabilitation, do that as well.
Also, who are his close friends? Are they into drugs as well? If that's the case he has to stop being around such persons.
It takes a lot of effort for most people to overcome Mental and Behavioural Disorder (MBD) due to psychoactive substance abuse.
I have a friend who's into substance abuse just like your brother. Currently he's been readmitted again for the 3rd time since he suffered a relapse just last year, a promising young guy like that.

Most of his friends that started this lifestyle with him later abandoned drug abuse. All of them are now married and have education, families and means of livelihood.

As you recommended, we may need to change to another Psychiatric hospital. Please can you recommend any?

Bola146:
He needs a good rehabilitation center to go to. Also be praying for him, there is nothing prayer can't do.

Thank you.

LadySarah:
It takes a whole lot of Divine Grace.,will and therapy to overcome these. More so a reason.
Is he even willing to?

I've seen a lot of them quit cos of their children or health or personal convictions. Therapy will help change his perspective. Not forgetting the power of prayer.

Thank you for your contribution.

LadySarah:
It takes a whole lot of Divine Grace.,will and therapy to overcome these. More so a reason.
Is he even willing to?

Not willing. All the efforts were forcefully made.

I have a 42 year old brother who for over 18 years has been on hard drugs. He started this habit while in secondary school and couldn't finish tertiary education for same reason. Efforts made by the family to stop him from substance abuse and rehabilitate him at several occasions failed. Each time such effort is made, he recovers after a while but returns to the habit. Currently, he has become mentally deranged and there seems to be no solution at sight.

He has been admitted to different psychiatric hospitals on two occasions. At both times, he was treated and confirmed fit and sound to return to the society. The moment he was discharged, he quickly went back to his old ways and all the resources spent went into the drain. In one of the occasions, we were strongly advised to engage him as joblessness was one of the greatest problem causing the abuse. We got him engaged by securing a fantastic job which he also left after a week of working there. Other meaningful efforts geared towards engaging him to enable him to become occupied and start earning a living as a man also didn’t work out.

We have organised prayer sessions by powerful men of God, nothing has happened yet. I do want to sound like someone without faith. I strongly believe that our able God will make things beautiful at His time. However, the situation has gone out of control and we need to act fast.

These, amongst many, are some of the interventions already done by the family and we cannot fold our arms and watch people mock us in shame every day due to his abnormal activities in the community.

Now what he does is forcefully, take money from our aged mum, sell any family property at sight in exchange for money to buy his drugs. Beat my mum up at any slightest refusal to give him money. He has been jailed many times for committing several offences related to this habit, yet the problem persists. Maybe we have not applied the best approach?

I am calling on fellow Nairalanders to assist with solutions. I believe there are some of us here who may have experienced this problem in one way or the other, or have an advise to give to solve this lingering painful situation. Your personal or professional experience (s) may go a long way in salvaging this situation for us.

I believe a problem shared is a problem solved.

jeffizy:
Hello Poster.
I deeply sympathize with you over your brother's addiction and it's effect on the whole family.

From what you have written here, it shows you really care about him and you couldn't have done more under the prevailing circumstances.

He however needs the tough love approach from the family, since the addiction has started making him go beyond reasoning by molesting his mum physically.

I think it's high time you commit him to psychiatric facility for a longer period of time, if affordable, then don't check up on him physically.

He'll reach that low point where reasoning and logic will take over him.

Once again, you have reached out far and beyond for him, at 42, he has his cross to bear.

Thank you for your advise.

The facilities couldn't keep him longer than three months due to demands for bed space by new patients.

Nonetheless, I appreciate your comment.

I have a 42 years old brother who for over 18 years has been on hard drugs. He started this habit while in secondary school and couldn't finish tertiary education for same reason . Efforts made by the family to stop him from substance abuse and rehabilitate him at several occasions failed. Each time such effort is made, he recovers after a while but returns to the habit. Currently, he has become mentally deranged and there seems to be no solution at sight.

He has been admitted to different psychiatric hospitals on two occasions. At both times, he was treated and confirmed fit and sound to return to the society. The moment he was discharged, he quickly went back to his old ways and all the resources spent went into the drain. In one of the occasions, we were strongly advised to engage him as joblessness was one of the greatest problem causing the abuse. We got him engaged by securing a fantastic job which he also left after a week of working there. Other meaningful efforts geared towards engaging him to enable him to become occupied and start earning a living as a man also didn’t work out.

We have organised prayer sessions by powerful men of God, nothing has happened yet. I do want to sound like someone without faith. I strongly believe that our able God will make things beautiful at His time. However, the situation has gone out of control and we need to act fast.

These, amongst many, are some of the interventions already done by the family and we cannot fold our arms and watch people mock us in shame every day due to his abnormal activities in the community.

Now what he does is forcefully, take money from our aged mum, sell any family property at sight in exchange for money to buy his drugs. Beat my mum up at any slightest refusal to give him money. He has been jailed many times for committing several offences related to this habit, yet the problem persists. Maybe we have not applied the best approach?

I am calling on fellow Nairalanders to assist with solutions. I believe there are some of us here who may have experienced this problem in one way or the other, or have an advise to give to solve this lingering painful situation. Your personal or professional experience (s) may go a long way in salvaging this situation for us.

I believe a problem shared is a problem solved.

tunmiluabi:
My story is quite long, please run through with patience.

I married my wife about 11 years ago. By the way I am 46 years old. Before I married my wife, I was not doing well neither was my wife. She was working with a multinational company, earning an equivalent of N40,000. I had a small graphic design business after trying many times to find a good job. I looked for jobs and contracts without any respite. But At this this time, my wife's support was good and I did appreciate every bit of it. At lest we survived on the low...

As time went on, I got a job in one international corporate training company as a Statistics and Business Analysis Instructor, was earning about 90,000 naira. During the times before I got my job, we had accumulated debt and my new job provided us an opportunity to pay them up.

We decided we were going to save part of her salary every month for servicing the debt and save the rest for a rainy day. I was supposed to pay the rent and all other domestic bills, light, kids school fees etc.. Some time she helped with food/groceries. After sometime, she advised we move to a bigger apartment. We still had a daughter by then. I obliged and we did.

To cut the story short, after four years of working, the company folded up because of government policies and we were all laid off. This meant we had to prepare for the hard life ahead. It was hectic and devastating. Me being me, I took it with all sense of grace and hope things will be fine. But the more I thought about this the worse things got. One day out of curiosity I asked my wife if it would be nice to have another child and she advised it was not the best time. I understood and agreed. I then advised my wife if we could start a business and with some savings we had, maybe I could use it to enhance my former business, maybe things might be better this time. She did not show any interest. This time I discovered changes in my wife.

One day she asked me if she could use part of them money to do a course, honestly I was shocked but asked why she did not oblige to my own request. She said "its my money I can use it for whatever I want". My wife however did the course.

To cut the story short, 3 years down the line, my wife stopped having sex with me and this continued for a long time. I became like "shit in her eyes". I lost a bit of confidence though. she would wake me with insults and barrage of dirty words. Because of our child, I agreed to stay a home and try to work online and seek clients and jobs from old client. It was not bad but not promising.

Fortunately for us, my wife got a promotion and her salary was increased to about 170,000. This actually brought out the worst in my wife. Her calmness disappeared and all decorum was buried. We would quarrel everyday and not talk for weeks. She became really mean and controlled everything at home. Please note, she is not a bad woman but can't explain the reasons up till date. I was with no option but to query her sincerity as a wife and that continued for a long time. Our sex life became zero, she would tell me having sex would make her pregnant and was not ready for a second child. Her stories kept on changing and became even worse, rather than coming home she would pass by her mom and be there till late in the night before coming home.

After about 3 years of trying to get something to do, I finally got a place on the island sometime in February 2018, where I would be paid a stipend of 50,000. In addition, I would use my free time to design, print and sell business cards to small companies. The overall income was small but enough for some immediate obligations at home. But to be fair, that was the best I could get since I have not had money in a long time. Unfortunately my wages were not consistent due to challenges the company was facing. But I used the Business card printing to augment wherever possible.

Later in 2018 around September, I discovered that my wife had been having an illicit engagement. She had a male fried and I finally got to know about it and confronted her. She did not deny it, she begged and I forgave her. Anyway, I had made up my mind to forgive because of the kid and I never told anyone till date. Moreover, since we were not making love that was of course enough reason for the drastic measure, I told myself. To be sincere I had lost feeling for my wife and sex was difficult. We finally started having sex but I had little to offer her. I would pretend and even have to watch Indecency to be able to have sex with her. I was dead inside. At least my wife was still with me. That was my solace. I guess trust was broken. She however continued with her escapades. The quarrels increased and got worse. There and then name calling became our breakfast and dinner. She advised that since I would never look at her the same and bringing little or nothing to the table that I was free to go. The quarrels went on for quite some time, my wife will go very violent on me some of the times. I am marshal artist with black belt and I have great restraint - for me, fighting and going violent on her was never on the table. One day I thought there was a need to move out and I did indicated to her that I was not comfortable living with her anymore.. That wherever I am, I will see how I can take care of the kids.

She did not care and things became difficult for me. I felt maybe I could stay for sometime, It might be a difficult condition but still not impossible. This became my Achilles heels. There and then I knew my relationship had broken and irreparable. I accepted there was nothing I could, but to be patient and tried to convince myself about our situations and believed our situation was bad, but God’s willing we would overcome. The fight even got worse and became very violent and physical, I would normally just take the beating or hold her hands to avoid any injuries.

The quarrels was beginning to be in the glare of my Kids and since it was not abating, there was little I could do to change the situation. I finally made up my mind on the 19th of May 2019 to move out, but actually moved out on the 30th of May, 2019. Before then on the 26th of May, 2019, I discovered my wife was again engaging in the illicit affair. She would claim she was going to church only to be found at a different location. Honestly I can’t blame her, I blame myself and the situation that caused the demise of our once cherished marriage. At this point in time I realised I had lost and had no fight in me anymore. My kids are still very young. Everyday quarrels, lack of sincere engagement, denials upon denials and her fear of facing her “DEMON” with little chance of her understanding the consequence of her actions - I was left with no choice but to stop FIGHTING. I had no fight left in me. The ultimate decision was to leave. I did not inform her parent about the issue because I had indicated to her I did not want them to look at her differently.

God so good, I got a 500,000 Naira job through a friend in an oil company with a 3bedroon in Lekki fully paid up for 3years by the company. By the way, I am Data Analyst but never practiced for a long time. I studied Computer engineering but for a long time grace did not smile on me. I take care of my kid and I really don't hate her and I am at peace with everything. She still has her job and doing well.

Please note that she did not tell me to leave, I left on my own volition. I could not share the same bed with my wife anymore she apparently could not muster enough strength to stop all iniquities for a conversation that will help see things through. Rather she is turning to blame it on me. We have however resolved to part on a friendly note for the sake of our child.

My reason for posting this is because most us sit behind the desk and computers and do not understood the demons everyone is battling. On a bad day, the best husbands are MONSTER, while the best wives are DEVILS. When we make judgment as males or female. We should not forget about our female child/children, same goes for the male child. I don't know what my wife tells people about what happened but I really don't care and I have made up my mind never to defend myself.

Thanks for reading.

Tunmi

Touchy! But I am glad there was light at the end of the tunnel.

GOFRONT:
Noodles must always be in the pics

The thing tire me o! The manufacturers don hammer walahi.

toffyz:
Useless bank

Are they the only one affected by the lockdown.

And this useless bank donated millions of naira to FG recently

Not millions, I understand what the bank donated to FG was 1bn.

gambia:
Go and commit suicide, Most of you guys begging on Nairaland here are scammers.

Really!

zatara:
Please how is this stats calculated? Has the discharged patients been substracted from the total confirmed cases?

I have asked the same question over and over again. I really need to know how it is being calculated.

I believe there are other decent ways of raising money such as begging from individuals or her church,amongst others. What is wrong is wrong no matter how we look at it.

Let's assume she found a man who slept with her for N500 inorder for them to eat which i presume will only last for one day or two, would she have continued to sleep around every other day to feed her children?

Many of us have seen worst situatuons yet we didn't let it consume us.

mu2sa2:
How times change! It's now a curse to return to nigeria from abroad or leave our dear native land for US, UK, Europe, Dubai etc.

It is really an amazing experience. What a life!

ursullalinda:
They should stop going up and down and sit @ a place

Exactly my thought! I wonder why people are moving up and down. What are they really looking for?

This one na medicine after death. Why do amebo now?

2buffagain:
Gentlemen. The reality of living in the 20th century has changed, and so must every notion formed from previous days that no longer hold weight today.

Women are not the only ones who should be asking what you do.
You should also be asking her what she does....and guaging her wifeability from her response.
Nobody likes to suffer...yourself included. So why sign up for a lifetime of every financial request of your immediate family (and possibly both your extended families ) coming to just you alone?

Gone are the days where families survived on one income alone. Those days, houses in Nigeria used to cost #5M or less. These same houses now cost well over #30M.

I can bet your income did not also inflate 6x over the same time.

The reality is that you need a wife who also brings something home, and honestly it should hopefully be around the same (or more God willing) of what you pull in.

This way one person's income can cover the family stuff and the other person's income goes towardssavings/investments/emergencies/joblessness buffering/ etc. Your family will go farther and you can even both retire earlier if this is done right.

Also Naija guys please, have some respect for yourself.
If you meet a girl and she has the mental configuration of always wanting money from you, just know that she is not the one.

As a sister here once said, "A girl who truly likes you, won't ask you for money...unless it's bad and you are her last resort."
Na woman talk am. Believe that sister. Peep that one game from her, and most of you will be alright.

If a girl really likes you, she'll be too busy trying to think of ways to be an asset to your life or impress you...not a taker.

Get you a girl who makes her money with a good source of income and who understands that her income is to be included in plans.

You have been told.
You should be done with your broke girl phase right about now ^{(much like how women should be done with their bad boy stage).}
It does nothing for your life.

NOTE: I am not saying go and marry an idiot because she makes money.... Obviously.
You are still looking for a good wife, who just ALSO happens to be equipped with income and/or good income prospects and drive.

Op, you have made a lot of good points. I also believe in this school of thought. Drawing from my own life experience, I totally agree that a wife should not be a liability rather an asset to herself and her family.

The peace, tranquillity, respect, love and loyalty am experiencing today in my union is as a result of my financial freedom and ability to bring great value to my family through contributing to its progress.

The way the global economy is going, I do not think it is a good idea for a woman to sit thight at home and have nothing doing.

How much?

share picture of the back. Whats the final price ?

Life begins at 40. Congratulations! More happy days ahead.

Nice one! This is commendable. Lets join hands to continue to make Nigeria a better place.

kallmemrB:
If you remove all this food from Nigeria meals... Pls wetin remain... Is eba and rich egusi not better than chicken and chips... My grandfather died at 92...if eba will kill me at that age then am on with it

Honestly, i tire o!

Op, please change the topic to be Taraba State specific. It is misleading