₦airaland Forum

TYPES OF HUSBAND

1: BACHELOR HUSBAND
Does things on his own without consulting wife. Hangs out a lot with
friends more than wife. Not serious about marriage life.

2: ACIDIC HUSBAND
Is always boiling like acid and always angry violent, moody, dominating
and very dangerous.

3: SLAVE HUSBAND
Want to be treated like Kings and treat Wife like a Slave. Likes wife to
perform old tradition respect and hates being called by their first name.

4: GENERAL HUSBAND
Husband for every woman. loves and cares for girlfriends more than
his wife. Likes giving money to girlfriends and have more female
friends.

5: DRY HUSBAND
Very moody and stingy and don't consider wife's emotions and don't
make the relationship enjoyable. Have no sense of humour.

6: PANADOL HUSBAND
Use wife as problem solver, only loves wife when needing something
from her. Is clever and knows wife's weaknesses and capitalize on that
get relief from wife.

7: PARASITE HUSBAND
Lazy and only loves wife for the sake of money. Use wife's money on
girlfriends. Not initiative and does not help wife with house
responsibilities.

8: BABY HUSBAND
Irresponsible and childish and can't make decisions on his own without
asking his Mother or relatives; compares Wife to relatives and runs to
them always if something goes wrong.

9: VISITING HUSBAND
Not always at home come as a visitor Provides family all material things
but have no time for them.

10: CARING HUSBAND
Caring and loving. Provides material and emotional needs and makes time
for family. Guides home spiritually. Very responsible and treats wife as
partner and helper.

For the Men, which one are YOU, and For the Women, which is Your

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
My dear you know the answer to all your questions.
You just want us to tell you something different.

I know its hard, but its time to move on.

I love to see myself as a proper lady. . But I can't help it, I'm just gonna dance.
My post made front page.
Ahh! I need to celebrate this feat o!
Its not easy at all.


Please don't be vexed at all I'm very excited.

No5 is very very true.
I've heard it a lot even here on nairaland.

Public lies married women tell
By Funke Egbemode 08055069066 (SMS only, please) [egbemode@sunnewsonline.com]
Saturday, September 5, 2009




What a married woman says about her marriage is most of the time the opposite of the truth and reality of what her life is. Her mother brought her up on the ‘marriage is forever’ creed. Her pastor said ‘marriage is till death do you part’. The society insists that all divorced women are loose and lousy. What does she do between the devil and the deep blue sea? She tells everybody what they want to hear. Well, check some of these out and see if they are familiar.


1. If I come back into this world again, I’ll marry my husband over and again.

The truth: Is my husband coming back to this world again? Aaarggh. God will have to choose between creating him and me. If that goat is coming back to the world, then I am definitely not coming. That way there is no likelihood of us ever meeting even for dinner, least of all marriage. I have had enough of him to last ten lifetimes. I know God is not wicked, so He won’t allow me to marry this man again.


2. My husband has never raised his hands against me. I don’t understand women who stay with men who physically abuse them. It is so crazy.

The truth: Of course, it is crazy and I’m no longer sure of my own sanity. Or why else am I still here? He has removed two of my teeth and I had been hospitalised with cracked ribs before. His eyes light up when he’s beating me, so I think he’s crazy too. Maybe we are both lunatics but trust me, nobody understands wife battery like I do. I guess we’ll soon form an association, League of Battered Women, and I’d be the founding Country Director. It’s not funny.



3. My husband is the perfect gentleman. He is so wonderful, all any woman would want in a man.

The truth: Perfect gentleman, my foot. He belches loudly, talks with his mouth full and doesn’t know what you use a dessert spoon for it is different from what you use a teaspoon for. If he’s not picking his nose in public, he’s eating his nails. He’s forever embarrassing me in public. What’s worse, the only topic he can discuss intelligently is football. He can’t name 10 governors in Nigeria but he can tell you the names of the goalkeepers in the Premiership. He forgets my birthday, comes home late on our wedding anniversary and has locked my father out of our home before. He runs me down in front of my friends and pinches their buttocks when he thinks I’m not looking.


4. No woman can snatch my husband.

The truth: This one? He was snatched a long time ago. I have given up on him and accepted my fate. He has two children outside from two different women and we are still expecting more. He is the original he-goat. If you put a skirt on an electric pole, he’ll wink at the pole. He’s insatiable. My only worry is for my life. A man who has children outside his marriage is a non-condom-wearing dog. And that makes me a candidate for HIV and its little brothers.



5. If not for my children, I would have left him.

The truth: Leave him and go where? Who will take care of me like he does? Leave him and forfeit my good life- summer and winter holidays wherever I want, contacts that being married to him gives me and the good sex? Not on your life! Sure, sometimes I feel like killing him but I’m not leaving him. In fact, he’d have to die to get rid of me. The advantages far outweigh the down side and never mind the children angle, if I really want to go I can take them, can’t I? I’m simply not going anywhere, not now, not soon, not ever.



6. He is the pillar of support for my career.

The truth: What pillar? That man is permanently holding diggers and cutlasses to cut down my career and uproot everything good the whole world can see I have achieved. If you know what I have had to stomach to remain a ‘Mrs’, you will pity me. This man has come to my office several times to harass my colleagues, accuse my boss of sleeping with me. He once came into a restaurant where we were having a breakfast meeting to make trouble thinking that I was meeting a lover. He stormed in and found eight of us at the table. This ‘pillar’ of my life regularly locks me out of the house if I return home later than he wants. Right now we are in the middle of a major ‘boko haram’ because I want to go abroad to round off a PhD programme and he has said if I go, it would be the end of the marriage. He is asking me what I need a PhD for if not to be addressed a Dr when he is still a Mr. You should not believe everything you see because some of these things are photo tricks.



7. He is a great provider. He makes sure I don’t lack anything.

The truth: I pay the rent and the children’s school
fees. I am the one who makes sure he doesn’t lack anything but it is such a shame and I cannot tell anybody. This human being is lazy but he loves the good life. I am sticking it because if I leave today, everybody will declare me guilty, arrogant and a deserter. I wish things were different but I have to sustain this lie.



8. He is a stud and he wears me out in bed all the time. In fact, I’m tired.

The truth: Stud ko, stud ni. I’m lucky if he touches me once in a month. All he thinks about are his containers and consignment. He has consigned me to the dustbin of celibacy. I am so hungry for the ‘thing’ now I’m eyeing Audu, the maiguard. Can you blame me?

Public lies married women tell
By Funke Egbemode 08055069066 (SMS only, please) [egbemode@sunnewsonline.com]
Saturday, September 5, 2009




What a married woman says about her marriage is most of the time the opposite of the truth and reality of what her life is. Her mother brought her up on the ‘marriage is forever’ creed. Her pastor said ‘marriage is till death do you part’. The society insists that all divorced women are loose and lousy. What does she do between the devil and the deep blue sea? She tells everybody what they want to hear. Well, check some of these out and see if they are familiar.


1. If I come back into this world again, I’ll marry my husband over and again.

The truth: Is my husband coming back to this world again? Aaarggh. God will have to choose between creating him and me. If that goat is coming back to the world, then I am definitely not coming. That way there is no likelihood of us ever meeting even for dinner, least of all marriage. I have had enough of him to last ten lifetimes. I know God is not wicked, so He won’t allow me to marry this man again.


2. My husband has never raised his hands against me. I don’t understand women who stay with men who physically abuse them. It is so crazy.

The truth: Of course, it is crazy and I’m no longer sure of my own sanity. Or why else am I still here? He has removed two of my teeth and I had been hospitalised with cracked ribs before. His eyes light up when he’s beating me, so I think he’s crazy too. Maybe we are both lunatics but trust me, nobody understands wife battery like I do. I guess we’ll soon form an association, League of Battered Women, and I’d be the founding Country Director. It’s not funny.



3. My husband is the perfect gentleman. He is so wonderful, all any woman would want in a man.

The truth: Perfect gentleman, my foot. He belches loudly, talks with his mouth full and doesn’t know what you use a dessert spoon for it is different from what you use a teaspoon for. If he’s not picking his nose in public, he’s eating his nails. He’s forever embarrassing me in public. What’s worse, the only topic he can discuss intelligently is football. He can’t name 10 governors in Nigeria but he can tell you the names of the goalkeepers in the Premiership. He forgets my birthday, comes home late on our wedding anniversary and has locked my father out of our home before. He runs me down in front of my friends and pinches their buttocks when he thinks I’m not looking.


4. No woman can snatch my husband.

The truth: This one? He was snatched a long time ago. I have given up on him and accepted my fate. He has two children outside from two different women and we are still expecting more. He is the original he-goat. If you put a skirt on an electric pole, he’ll wink at the pole. He’s insatiable. My only worry is for my life. A man who has children outside his marriage is a non-condom-wearing dog. And that makes me a candidate for HIV and its little brothers.



5. If not for my children, I would have left him.

The truth: Leave him and go where? Who will take care of me like he does? Leave him and forfeit my good life- summer and winter holidays wherever I want, contacts that being married to him gives me and the good sex? Not on your life! Sure, sometimes I feel like killing him but I’m not leaving him. In fact, he’d have to die to get rid of me. The advantages far outweigh the down side and never mind the children angle, if I really want to go I can take them, can’t I? I’m simply not going anywhere, not now, not soon, not ever.



6. He is the pillar of support for my career.

The truth: What pillar? That man is permanently holding diggers and cutlasses to cut down my career and uproot everything good the whole world can see I have achieved. If you know what I have had to stomach to remain a ‘Mrs’, you will pity me. This man has come to my office several times to harass my colleagues, accuse my boss of sleeping with me. He once came into a restaurant where we were having a breakfast meeting to make trouble thinking that I was meeting a lover. He stormed in and found eight of us at the table. This ‘pillar’ of my life regularly locks me out of the house if I return home later than he wants. Right now we are in the middle of a major ‘boko haram’ because I want to go abroad to round off a PhD programme and he has said if I go, it would be the end of the marriage. He is asking me what I need a PhD for if not to be addressed a Dr when he is still a Mr. You should not believe everything you see because some of these things are photo tricks.



7. He is a great provider. He makes sure I don’t lack anything.

The truth: I pay the rent and the children’s school
fees. I am the one who makes sure he doesn’t lack anything but it is such a shame and I cannot tell anybody. This human being is lazy but he loves the good life. I am sticking it because if I leave today, everybody will declare me guilty, arrogant and a deserter. I wish things were different but I have to sustain this lie.



8. He is a stud and he wears me out in bed all the time. In fact, I’m tired.

The truth: Stud ko, stud ni. I’m lucky if he touches me once in a month. All he thinks about are his containers and consignment. He has consigned me to the dustbin of celibacy. I am so hungry for the ‘thing’ now I’m eyeing Audu, the maiguard. Can you blame me?



For more of Funke Egbemode's articles, you can go HERE.

kulyie: yes its sad but that's the reality/truth on ground.there are some kinds of work that is not convenient for a married woman and there is no how it will not take its toll on her professional life.i will give an example.when i was there,my boss will tell me,shewa we are going for a 2 weeks seminar in luxenburg.you will stay in a hotel for that 2 weeks while the company will foot the bills of your accomodation and feeding.tell me which man will allow his wife to leave home for 2weeks seminar all in the name of i work in a corporate firm,which man will be comfortable with his wife lodging in a hotel outside the country.the truth of the matter is that the corporate worlds are in an intense competion with each other and each company is trying to prove to the other or to the global market that their products and services are better than the others own,so there is no time and space for anyone constituting herself as a distraction.(e.g i want to go and breast feed my baby,i want to go and pick my son from school etc)they have to ensure that their staffs are up and doing and they get the very best of their energy and intellect.such environment is not condusive and ready to accomodate the biological responsibilities of a married woman because i dont see how a married woman will leave her home and kids to attend to a saturday night cocktail,travel out regularly and her home front will not be affected.like my mom will say there are some certain careers that are unsuitable for married women and if as a married woman you work there,to keep your job,you have to live your life like a single lady.there was a corporate firm to my cousin got a job in recently,they told her to sign an agreement that she will not get married for the next 1o years (she is 25 now) however she will be given an official car,house in lekki , clothing/travelling allowance.when she told her mom,her mom advised her not to sign,she had to resign.so what will you say about that.single men inclusive,its not only females that the company said they should sign it

Honestly, I'd sign if I'm faced with such.
Not getting married doesn't stop me from having a child.

I remember before lunch break we'll sing:
Into my heart 2x
Come into my my heart lord Jesus
Come in to stay
Come in today
Come into my heart lord Jesus.

Teacher will raise another song.

Some have food but cannot eat
Some can eat but have no food
We have food and we can eat
Glory be to thee oh lord.

(In a loud voice)
BLESS THIS FOOD OH LORD FOR CHRISSAke. AMEN!!!

All these just to eat common biscuit.

This prayer is still our prayer before meal though.

My mum did.
May God continue to bless her.

Uwakuwak: I don't consent to unprotected sex. Yet she is battling to treat STD SHE contacted through sex

Are you a lesbian?

I know your type: jealous ugly duckling. No wonder men don't approach you.
Jealousy is a terrible disease get well soon.

Workforce conducted FIRST BANK AND BANK PHB TEST. THEY USE A FORMAT OF 50 QUESTIONS FOR 40 MINUTES,MATHS ,QUANTITATIVE,VERBAL AND ENGLISH(COMPREHENSION AND ARRANGEMENT OF STUDENTS).

Check out this site I saw the formats there.
http://www./f41/sample-aptitude-test-format-nigerian-banks-1767/

ACCESS BANK ( http://www.accessbankplc.com/major.cfm?id=8 )
The test is made up of two papers, 50 questions each and you are expected to make at least 50% in each (25marks). Its a combination of Maths, English, Critical Reasoning and a little bit of Current Affairs (States and Capital). Just study GMAT.
You also need to know a bit about banks generally- general and simple policies, which banks are defunct etc.


UBA ( http://www.ubacareers.com )
Just read your GMat. Then also have an idea bout current affairs, e.g. Who's d senate president, when was nations/africans cup played and in which country, Who's Bank PhB's MD(sounds strange for UBA, right?)
The test is simple: Maths, English and Current Affairs. Maths is 15 questions, English is 15 questions, Current Affairs is 20 questions.

ayobo1: pls house has anyperson in written workforce test b4, pls give us infor oh

Check banks that workforce does their recruitment, deduce the nature of their exams from there.

Philip organises Access,uba,stanbic,sterling.
And their quEstions according to people who have written are 50maths and 50English.
You must get at least 25 in both to get to the next stage.

Oluchi Umelo: I got their mail and the time is 12noon at Rivers State College of Arts and Science, Rumuola, Port Harcourt, Rivers State. Am I d only one writing by 12noon? The only problem I ve now is the form of identification, I dnt ve any of the mentioned ones. Does that mean I will be disqualified?

I'm writing at 12pm too same venue.
I don't think ph is in batches like lagos.

daphor11: @style pls I beg u in d name of God,dnt attempt going @ all,dey are scammer

Lol...
Thanks dear I won't.

About the heritage please what link are you referring to?
I can't find any on the text I received.

Please I just got this text

YOU ARE INVITED FOR A TEST/INTERVIEW AT H.S.A ON WED 10TH OF APRIL, 2013 BY 9AM AT 15 ADEKUNBI CRESCENT OFF OLUWALEYIMU STREET, BALOGUN,IKEJA.

Please who knows what they are into I'm in ph don't want to go to lag for something I'm not sure about.

Please guys help me out.

Please who knows the position they are recruiting for?
I hope its not marketing.

I think those for lagos, workforce is handling their recruitment.
While philip is the one in charge of ph.

I got the invitation too.
My first IV as a job seeker. Lord unto thine hands I commit myself.

I got the invitation too.

hulkmarcopolo: Always make research b4 indulging in a course. My pal, whatever the customer care course is, pls do it. A bird in hand is worth more dan millions in the bush. Please do as much professional course as u can. God be ur strenght and wisdom.

Thanks. I've been thinking about it for like a month now. I'm suppose to pay the money tomorrow.

Anyways No knowlege is a waste.

hariorh: As in ehn... 55k in less than a week! Choi!

Do you think its a bad investment?.
I just pray it will be worth it.

Can't really comprehend this.
But if its possible to preserve human's brain after death, I think its a very nice idea instead of the brains of geniuses to waste, they could be harnessed and preserved for use when needed.

Imagine preserving the brain of Hadely Chase, Chinua Achebe,Latunde oteku and great men in the world.
We would never run out of good books and medically, very great feats would have been acheived.

But if it gets into the wrong hands Osama will never die and more attacks...

O boi he be like say the disadvantage pass advantage o!


I hope that's what he means.

Miss Ope: Better still register with telemarketing diploma... It's cheaper...and economical.

What about the value of the certificate?
And the quality?
Which of the schools is well known and better accepted?.

doyexy: Of course go for it, it will give u an edge..me personally did ICRM-customer relationship management wile I was serving and its really helped me and given me an edge too.. Good idea...but CRM is cheaper dan dis one u doin and wit CRM u get an PDG certificate and u become an associate of ICRM...
But seems dis CCSP gves u guys some insights abt whr to work abi? Dunno sha
Cheers

I planned on registering with landover for their customer care course its 55k for 3days.
Dunno if it will be worth it.
What do you think please.

Pataki: Just when one would have thought Adabeke has it all, you come across guys who are far worse off.

What in blue blistering barnacles is 'prestine'?

Again......

What in thundering typhoons do you mean as: "I'm sure you WHERE THOUGHT......"?

Are you Adabeke's sibling? Birds of a feather can be found celebrating the same fetid foolishness.



You were bleating like a demented goat, when I was haranguing you. Claiming that you are a woman. Yet you throw away all intellectual decorum and insult some else's mother - a woman possibly old enough to be your mother. This is why I referred to you as an ill-mannered, mentally troubled being.



You shamelessly went into my profile, looked for 2011 topic I created in the Politics section and insulted me therein. Seeking for my attention like a hopeless dog on heat. I had deliberately ignored you there, but I observed for every respondent that gave you attention on that thread, you had a response for each person immediately.

Yet you have the idiotic temerity to say you don't want me? Like as if I ever made any advances to you in the first place huh?

Final words: Please improve on your grammar. You are a pathological disgrace to beautiful and witty women all over the world if you keep blasting grammatical blunders all over the forum without decorum.

In the early days of NL, nauseating dimwits like you would have been banned from this forum for the eyesore English you continually subject one to.
I am not interested in you. Never have, and never will! Pataki does not have interest whatsoever in a bleating demented goat like you. Bye.

Smh.
I wish I had the time to exchange words with you.

@pataki

With your 'top notch' and 'prestine' education you don't know when to stop

It doesn't speak so well of you.
And don't forget she's a woman.
I'm sure you where thought how to respect women.

Yes I did.
That's where I heard it first.
I guess I'm very far behind.

I just listened to this song and it has been on replay ever since.
Here is the link.

http://dc380.4shared.com/download/keppOfKp/bez_that_stupid_song.mp3?tsid=20130331-204056-31fd0f36


What do you think?
I think Naija just got a Bruno mars