₦airaland Forum

oluwatomininisin

bobo

repli-kate

lost in translation

goodguy

the sweetest thing

yes it is.

still not enough to express myself

good one

enemeka

i didnt get this joke at first but wen i tought bout it i got it so y'all do the same


A guy took his new girlfriend to the movies. After a long kiss, the chick blushed and said, "Gee, honey, I think I just swallowed your gum."

"Naw," said the guy, "I just cleared my throat!"

One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver. He starts saying things like: "If my Mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster," the bus driver said shut up!

Still the boy went on ... "If my Mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant," the bus driver said shut up!

Still the boy went on ... "If my Mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog."

The bus driver got so mad, and asked: "If your Mom was a prostitute, and your dad was a homo, what would you be?"

The boy answered: "A bus driver!"

In dire need of a beauty make-over, Nancy went to her salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous haired model.

She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on her thin, graying hair.

Nancy was delighted by his cheerful attitude until she recognized the melody.

It was the theme from "Mission Impossible."

heres another............

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves,
and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind
them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;
"Emma comes first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I
come again. Two asses they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I'mma just tellun my
friend howa to spella Mississippi."

since nobody likes this joke ive decided to be adding more jokes here so u can pick any one u like and enjoy.



A guy wakes uo one morning with a hangover. Going downstairs he askes his wife, "honey, I know i was a complete idiot at the party last night, so tell me what happened."
"You saw your boss there and got him into an argument."
"well, piss on him," said the man.
"you did, he fired you," said the wife.
"well, screw him," said the man.
"i did, you're going back to work on monday."

thank u all for loving this

I don't know if you guys have heard this joke. Just saw it and wanted to share.

---

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage if I carry on like this." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed by a small café and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.

He farted all the way home. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table, and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air around him.

He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rrriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled even worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise to stay blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his freedom), he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of the napkin.

Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her that he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!" To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

yes they r big  not very very big but sha i want a smaller once

What is (was) your (the).....
First name: Noye aka Nini
Gender: Female
Favorite food(s): Pizza (i dont know this once name inenglish sha)kebab
Favorite color(s): Purple,pink.......
Future child's names: I dont know
Sign or b-day: 2nd september
Favorite number: 13(cos when i was 13 it was nice)
Biggest fear: God and hell
Favorite quote: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven"
Obsession(S): Nothing
Addiction(s): I am addicted to alot of things first of all romance novels,games,internet........
Biggest turn off: Greedy,lying,pride
Biggest turn on: Honesty
First thing you notice in the opposite sex: The fact that his opposite
Last book you read: Lindsey's rainbow by curtiss ann matlock

Preferences...

Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla
Hot or cold: Cold
Coke or Pepsi: Both
Truth or Dare: Truth
Rightie or Leftie: Rightie
20/20 vision or glasses: Well i just went to check my eyes and i will be wearing a contact soon



Do you...

Speak another language: No
Own your room or share with sibling: Wit my lovely sis(here)
Have a sibling(s): Two girls and two boys
Think that God should be male or female: Male
Think that God should be white or black: White
Like your handwriting: Yes, its mine
Type fast or slow: Not very fast and not slow
Think you're beautiful/cute: Yes, i am God made us beautiful
Sleep with a stuffed animal("teddy bears" and the likes in case you don't know): At times,my sister's sandy(a mumu teddy)

Misc...
What is/are the thing(s) you miss the m[/b]ost: Nigeria in general but mostly my younger brother
[b]Are you straight/gay/bi: Straight
Piercings: My ears alone
How tall are you:5'6'
How tall do you wish you were: I am okay
What would you change about yourself : My boobs
What wouldn't you change: My ass and face

very funny

correct.

if i said its not funny im lieing

A political aspirant was asked the question
here during one of those debates, check out his
unexaggerated response.
Enjoy it:

QUIZ
After the tragedy in New York and Washington
September 11, the
question arises: WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF NIGERIA IS
ATTACKED?

ANSWER:
HAPPEN IF NIGERIA IS ATTACKED? Well ... if that
happens, there
can be no comparison. That's because in Nigeria we
are much better prepared for these kind of attacks,
given the following reasons:

1. We do not construct exaggerated elevated
buildings.

2. We all get on the job late in the morning, so at
8.45am there won't be sufficient people to kill.

3. Fire fighters and police officers will do their
utmost not to get to the spot in time. They will
reach there just when everything is over, so there
will be no casualties among them.

4. The Nigeria airways would surely have fouled up
the terrorists plans by being delayed again, and of
course loosing the luggage containing the bombs.

5. A Nigerian would not have used his cell phone to
call home. He would've hit the terrorist with it over
the head.

6. If a terrorist was living for one year in Nigeria
(Oshodi), he would've been robbed and
molested so many times he would've given up and gone
back home long time ago.

7. In Nigeria the terrorists would not have gotten
the flight manual, they would've had to pay for it.

8. In Nigeria "Egbe" (juju) go don make all the
passengers disappear before the thing hit Mushin or
Ajegunle. You see... in Nigeria we are well prepared

I don't know if you guys know this joke but anyway I just wanted to share.

---

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday, and would probably have a present for me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone any Happy Birthday.

I thought, well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said' Good morning boss, Happy Birthday. So I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me. I said, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.?

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go to; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day, We don't need to go back to the office, do we?
I said 'No, I guess not. She said, Let's go to my apartment. After arriving at her apartment she said' Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.

Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake,
followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.

All were singing 'Happy Birthday'and there on the couch I sat... naked. And that is why I fired my secretary!

The Devoted Wife

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. He had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, ''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?''

''What, my dear?'' she asked gently.

''I think you bring me bad luck!''

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years.

On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!

He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.

The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, "Screw him; give him a dollar." The breakfast was my idea."

There were three guys standing in line to get into heaven. Just as they were about to enter, St. Peter stops them and tells them they have room for only one more person, so the one who died the worst death may enter.

St. Peter starts off with the first guy and his reply was: "I always had a suspicion that my wife was having an affair so I came home early one day to find that there was nobody but her. That is until I peered over the balcony to find a man hanging from the ledge in his boxers. I got so upset that I started stomping on his hands but he wouldn't let go. I got a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, but he wouldn't let go. Then finally I went inside and grabbed the fridge and dropped it on top of him. After I looked down to see that he was crushed to death, I felt so bad that I took a shotgun and killed myself."

St Peter says, "that's pretty bad," and asks the second guy how he died.

The second guy said, "I was getting ready for my workout in the afternoon and I always do my aerobic videos in my boxers. Today I somehow slipped and fell off my balcony. Luckily, there was the balcony on the floor below so I held on to the rail. As I was calling for help some lunatic started yelling at me and started stomping on my fingers. He brought out a hammer and started pounding on my fingers, then he quit and went back inside. When I thought he was gone I started pulling myself up from the ledge and all I could see was a huge refrigerator falling on top of me and I fell with it 10 flights below, and now I'm here."

St. Peter thinks to himself, 'that's pretty bad..'

The third guy was Bill Clinton!
St. Peter was surprised and said, 'Well Bill, what happened to you?" Bill says, "Well, you won't believe it. Picture this, I'm naked inside a refrigerator.....

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"

Dad says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her he Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, and he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to is parents' room and finds his mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to to his father, " I think I understand Politics now."

The father replies, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think it is."

The boy promptly answers, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep trouble."

nice going

thats really funny hahahahahahah i cant even stop smiling

i like it