₦airaland Forum

I nearly wan die wen sean stole the bead, that was wen u suckered me in. Mehnn... My heart was just doing GBAM GBAM GBAM. Guy u no fit kill person oh and to think that i have an unfinished project to deliver today. I love what you did with this story dude. The suspence in it, guy you totally nailed it abi nah kill it sef. One word i love it and 'you'.

Buhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Damex thats harsh now. Gimme her a break joooooor, she tot university's all about fun and party. I think she finally got more fun than she wanted sef. He no easy at all oh. University degree things naani.

, get out of that marriage now, nah by force. Am captivated. Lovely story there

I picked my CSC note with me, so i’d read over at my boyfriend’s place.

‘see you tomorrow, guys’ i told both of them as i finished putting on my shoes.

‘you’re not coming back tonite? Wow Am jealous, somebody's getting some tonite’ Richard said

‘we’ll be reading through the night, so drag your mind out of the gutter’ i snapped

Richard started laughing ‘what do i look like, a kid? Please spare me. A girl is staying with me over night and she’s not related to me by blood. We sure as hell aint gonna be reading’

‘dirty boy’ i threw at him as i left the room.

I had a swell time with my boyfriend, but no i didn’t stay over with him. Kai!!! See dirty minded people. I had a prior arrangement to stay over with a friend at the girls hostel for an overnite tutorial session. I wasn’t about ready to drag the devil’s tail now. Better safe than sorry right?

...................................

DIPO AND THE TEST

‘hey baby, you owe me a date to tomorrow’s freshers jamz’ dipo accosted me after another boring lecture of electrodes and diodes.

‘no, i don’t. That date was for you to take me tutorials too and as i remember you had prior engagement. For tomorrow jamz, so do i’.

‘dont be that way, baby. My hands were tied that day. But i can take you for as long as you want today’.

‘no longer interested’ and made to leave him.

‘no no no no no no’, dipo said cutting around me and standing in front of me again. ‘what’s it gonna take, am ready to do anything in so far as it’s not illegal please don’t make me beg.’

‘you don’t have to beg or anything, all you have to do is go with someone else’.

‘yeah i thought of that, but all of our class girls are uptight and only interested in reading and reading and reading. Going about classes with the biggest textbook they have and carrying on like as if they are some kind of genius from space. Also we have our very first PHY 151 TEST the next day. No way is any of them going with me’.

‘what made you think i might want to go with you then, am also writing that same test and going by today’s lecture. I don’t understand a thing from the course yet. You think i have any thing to gain failing the course’. This isn’t funny i thought.

‘of course not, i have a lot of solution to that problem only if you agree to go with me to the jamz’.

‘fine, let me hear it’

‘I start off by taking you tutorials on probable problems and solution, then after the jamz we continue our lessons till the test begins’. He finished satisfied he had given a fitting solution to my problem.

‘thats fair enough, but you’re cutting it too thin. I can’t possibly cram enough physics for tomorrow’s test, so come up with a better solution else...’ i threatened. Talk of having someone by the balls, i am so enjoying the feeling. Dipo is still trying to think a way out of my predicament.

‘well, how about you sit behind me tomorrow and if any question pose difficult you can copy from mine. I hope you can manage that because i wont like it if you start calling my name. I hate distractions of any kind when am trying to write tests or exams. I wont answer you, it affects my concentration’.

Ah ha! Now we are getting somewhere. ‘Don’t you worry about tomorrow then, you wont even know am beside you at all. What time is the jamz again?’.

‘10pm’

‘its a date then’

Yes!!! I mentally exclaimed. Talk of killing two birds with one stone. I had every intention of going to jamz, i just wanted him to sweat for embarrassing me with dupe who i had hoped to score a major point with. Now physics have suddenly taken care of itself for tomorrow and i have a date for tonite. I feel good...pararara

if you are thinking where is boyfriend, well maybe now is a good time to explain. As far as am concerned its an open relationship, to him well i think he takes the relationship a tad too serious. He’s really sweet but too innocent, he’s probably a virgin. Arrrgh!!! I want fun and right now too much freedom is getting to me and making me make a lot of stupid decisions but am not about to become a goody two shoes with mummy’s boy.

Jamz was wild, lots of crazy dances et al. Total number of freshers that actually did appear was five, i was the only female. My fellow male partners in sin and stupidity thought i was cool. While the stale students were just looking and pointing. I can just imagine what they are saying.

‘she’s crazy’

‘wild thing’

‘is she for real, i thought they have a test tomorrow morning’

‘She won’t last this session’

‘am sorry for her, poor thing’

‘oh yeah! She’s a tsunami candidate for sure’ and on it went...

Tsunami refers to the phenomenom where students who didn’t make the required grade point units for that particular session are given a ‘get home safe’ card. They all can go to hell, i don’t care. Tomorrow’s test is already taken care off.


As tradition, freshers undergo a rite of passage. We’ve got to dance around a ‘campfire’ while we are officially welcomed to the department. Three of us were passed softdrinks ‘heavily spiked mind you’ the remaining two asked for alcohols straight up and we began dancing round the campfire. I and dipo drank our softdrinks with glee and basically we all went went crazy around the fire. Singing crazy songs that i believe were inspired by the devil, by the time we started taking spirits, we didn’t know the difference anymore.

We were so drunk and wasted we slept off in one of the classroom, i was lying almost on top of dipo the next morning when i woke up. Thank God we didn’t bother going home, a gutter or bushside would have been our bed.
...................................

‘keep away any incriminating materials from yourselves’.

‘No cellphones, calculator is permitted but not the one in your phone’.

‘Exam malpractice is a serious offence in this institution, if you are caught cheating, you are on a fast track out of the school’.

‘You are all warned’. Multiple invigilators kept shouting warnings.

For this tiny test, the ratio of invigilators we had was almost 2 invigilators to 1 student. What did they expect to happen. I can’t wait to see what our examination was going to be like.

This is not going to work, now how am i supposed to perform a successful giraffe. I was starting to hate myself for yesterday fun. Is this how universities behave, in my secondary school i never had problems doing a giraffe. If i had bothered reading, i could at least console myself that i would encounter something familiar even if didn’t understand a thing, but no, am fresh out. My brain can’t help me out of this predicament, because i didn’t feed it. The only thing making sense to it right now is the crazy DJ’s selection from the night. Oh my God, am so screwed.

I took my question paper and all i saw on the paper is the lost atlantis language, i swear if it was written in greek, i would happily say hi to any alphas, beta, lambda or pi that i see, but i see nothing. I sneeked a quick peek at dipo and saw him staring at his sheet glumly, maybe not as hopeless as my case is but glum nonetheless.

He was scratching his head and doing some writing. I tried the head scratching bit, maybe thats how dipo is managing to write anything, but nothing there too.
I had finished eating my biro cap and scratched off my extensions, still am getting no inspiration. If i do any more head scratching i’ll go bald, maybe its time i try to see if i can do a giraffe since my mentor is writing something down. I did a reconnaissance of the invigilators and tried a fast peep, but they caught me faster than i could see shit.

‘young lady, did you even read your question at all? thats a multiple choice question. If you don’t know what to write, come and submit and leave this hall before am tempted to march you off to administrations’. An invigilator barked at me.

To say i was devastated after the test is an understatement. I ended up writing multiple nonsense in my first test in the university.

Tomorrow is another day, bibi buckle up and don’t you ever be caught pants down as you were today. Read, read and read like its going out of fashion. I gave myself that little pep talk after crying for days and nobody was sympathetic to my cause. They all said i was silly and deserved what i got served with.


Do you think so too?

Damex333: Am so loving this,am following this right away.i love ur characters its look so real.

. Thanks Damex333. I didn't know if people like or hate the story since its a beginner's attempt and nobody's saying anything, is why i stopped updating. i'll continue updating tomorrow since you like it. Thank u

Thanks chirolechick.

MICRO HUMANS
...................................

The computer as we know it today had its beginning with a 19th century English mathematics professor named ‘CHARLES BABBAGE’. He designed the Analytical Engine and it was this design that the basic framework of the computers of today are based on. Generally speaking, computers can be classified into three generations. Each generaton lasted for a certain period of time and gave us either a new and improved computer or an improvement to the existing computer. Droned the ‘CSC 101’ lecturer.

First generation (1937-1946), in 1937 the first electronic digital computer was built by Dr. John V. Atanasoff and Clifford Berry...

...in 1943 an electronic computer named the Colossus was built for the military. Other developments continued until the first general Purpose digital computer, the Electronic Numerical Integrator and Computer (ENIAC)was built...

Am honestly trying hard to concentrate here, but i have a hard time seeing the significance of a computer built in the 1937’s and how much good its gonna do to my future.

Second generation (1947-1962), this generation of computers used transistors instead of vacuum tubes which were more reliable...

‘is this making any sense to you’ i asked my neighbour.

‘i wish, i heard the name Pascal and Berry. I’ll have to go over my note to be able to put their generation in other’ dupe replied.

'Computers must have a human nature, else why would this lecturer keep harping on computer generations and fathers of computing. Way i figure, computers get newer and better every decade or less. We humans need to learn from them and getter better bambinos too, i mean ones with better DNA’s. Although in our case, i’d say we need ‘super humans’ not ‘mini or godforbid micro-humans. Micro humans, hahaha that will be the day’. I said and we both started laughing. We kept it quiet though, our lecturer isn’t through with stuffing us full with computer history.

Third generation (1963-present) the invention of integrated circuit brought us the third generation of computers. With this invention computers become smaller, more powerful more reliable...

Isn’t his period gone already?

‘baby, you got more than i got. How about a tutorial later today?’ dupe whispered

‘i’ve got bigger fishes to fry than this. This course has copy and paste written all over it. Am not going to worry my pretty head reading it. Don’t get me wrong, am all for tutorial this evening but i’ll rather trash chemistry or physics. Your choice’

‘who’ll take us’

‘i have just the guy for it, i only have to charm him into agreeing to take us’

‘who’

‘Dipo’

‘yeah right’ dupe replied finally after checking me out for a while.

I don’t think she believed me, but i think i can do it. I’ll need to bring my game on, to charm the teeth off the said guy after class.

‘2pm NLT, bring your friends’ i told her.

‘that fast, you think you can get him that fast’. She queried

‘watch me’ i told her with confidence.

But dipo was having none of it. Said he has a prior engagement.
'Sorry, but i'd like prior warning next time, you want to include me in a tutorial. I even promised him a date to the freshers night jamz a week away. But 'No can do' he told me with finality.

After apologising to the girls, we picked our CSC note from earlier and tried to make sense out of mini and micro-computers.

We got home (Vicky and i) only to find Richard comfortably settled on our bed and watching movies. We don’t have sofas, we are students gerrit! Anyways the kind of students who don’t have extra allowance to buy unnecessary niceties such as sofas. Lol

‘Victoria!!! way i figure, Richard lives here’. I exclaimed.

‘he’s got my key, as do i’, Vicki replied removing her shoes.

‘my oh my somebody looks yummy’ Richard appraised me I had to laugh.

‘come on Richard, am never ever hearing the word yummy the same way again. I have a date this evening and had a premonition classes might screw up my date, so i dressed for it’.

‘A date! Miss bibi has a date? And i thought you are ready to mingle, My bad. Tell your boyfriend he’s on borrowed time. No way am i ever going to look the other way when a beautiful lady calls me yummy. No way!’ richard announced.

‘Richard please not now’ i eased down beside him on the bed to repair my make-up. I’d already given my boyfriend Victoria’s address so he’d pick me up.

Richard wasn’t about to let up on me though ‘so tell me, is he a fetch guy or a sit guy’

‘fetch or sit guy’ i was lost ‘what do you men by that’.

‘you know your ideology about men the other day’ rich tries to jog my memory.

I’d already remembered but i was playing dumb, jeez this guy’s got a repository for the embarrassed and embarrassing kept up there in his brain.

‘this reminds me, Richard what are you studying?’ i tried changing the subject.

‘Nice try. classical studies, 200level’.

‘hia! And you have the nerve to call me fresher. You aren’t really that stale too. you know?’ i dropped my powder puff and reached for my mascara.’and what kind of course gets to call itself classics’

‘still am not jambitos like you girls and for the record classical stuies is for civilized humans. Its not only a course, its an art. jambitos’ he taunted and started reaching for my arm.

‘hey watch it!!! I could go blind doing this. Don’t you be doing any sudden crazy moves while am applying my mascara’

‘then, why put your eyes under the torture of going blind any minute, do you think any man will want you with half an eye. I know i won’t’.

‘then shut up, i wasn’t doing it for you anyway’

‘yeah i know, for the fetch guy, Can't wait to meet him’

Ok scratch that. Not ever are they gonna meet. I have to rethink him coming over here. I discreetly took my phone and sent a fast sms to boyfriend that we’ll be meeting at the botanical garden.

FETCH AND SIT
...................................

I must say our meal was delicious. If you’ve ever eaten ‘amala skye’ you know exactly what am talking about. The silly guy almost did spoil my meal saying no soft drinks but pure-water mtscheew.

‘Either of you that orders for coke/fanta gets to walk home’, he threatened.

‘MEN!!!’ we both chorused.

‘now what do you know about men’ rich wants to know

‘because you all can be explained in one sentence’ i said

‘thats true’ vic said between swallows

‘thats absurd’ Richard’s eyes passed over from vic to mine and again ‘and women can’t’.

‘nope’ i shook my fingers at him ’99.9percentage of men in the world don’t understand us, they just get by one day at a time. We are very synonymous with religion, all you need to survive with any woman is faith. You’ve got faith and richy dearie you’ll be just fine with any woman. Don’t look too closely, don’t ask any questions. If you do, you are dead meat’ i ended patting his cheeks with my unsoiled hand ‘just believe’.

‘hmmmm i like your analogy but just so you know i know a bit about women too, lets play a game. You give me your sentence that explains men and i tell you your composition as a woman’. Richard was washing his hands now.
I’d finished eating too, was only waiting for him to finish with the wash hand basin.

‘i’ll go first’ and Vicki wasn’t going to wait around for acknowledgment cause she rushed through her sentence.

‘y’all think with your little man more than your brain, if you’ve slept with Mr A, you’ve slept with them all, all d way down to Mr Z’.

‘a fitting ideology for a classless girl who doesn’t know the difference between Mr A all through to Mr Z cause she doesn’t have a lick of sense whatsoever on her. I’ve got just one adjective that suits you perfectly ‘desperate’ sweetheart you are very desperate’.

‘WHAT!!! That is so cruel’ i burst out in glee

‘i’ll have you know that am not desperate Richard, am getting some’ vic added unperturbed.

‘mercy Bleep is what i’ll call what you’re getting’

‘enough’ i managed in between giggles. These guys want me to re-gurgitate my meal. No way!!!

‘your turn’ vic said

‘uh oh, can we go now? Since we are through with our meal’ i was thinking maybe its not a good idea anymore. After Richard’s evaluation of vic, i wasn’t enthusiastic about hearing what he thought of me.

‘scared’ he asked.

Right on point buddy i thought, but i’ll be danmed if i admit that to him. So i put my heart in my mouth and to hell with it.

‘men are half-man half-dogs, the dogs in them understands fetch but not sit. Its the only part of them thats human anyway since thats the part that reacts to us women in quote ‘fetching’. The man in the them is what makes them gods’ they are mysterious too. For any lady’s sake, take the 50% dog and tame. Leave the rest to probity.

‘my goodness! thats a mouthful and that isn’t even a sentence. Baby you’re deep, i like that’ Richard kept looking into my eyes with piercing inky black iris. ‘you wanna hear your judgement’

‘no, no, uhm yes, no, yes, okay definitely yes’ now he knows am scared ‘dammit’.

‘you haven’t been hurt before, else you’d say they are totally dogs. You are proud and you know you’ve got some class is why you know you can get a guy to ‘fetch’ but you are willing to leave a little rope for the unknown is why you chipped in the mysterious bit.
Baby you’ve got a heart and you are mighty protective of it, is why you go for fetch guys. I tell you there are guys who understands ‘sit’ you just don’t want to take a chance. How am i doing so far?’.

‘peachy’ i grumbled. I wasn’t happy, this guy is tearing my guts. I’d better stop him before he goes for my jugular. ‘enough pyscho-babble please, victoria!!! Where do you know this guy from, he’s wicked’ i threw his earlier words back at him ‘lets go home please’

‘somebody is getting uncomfortable, but hey! Tis cool’ he winked at both of us ‘home it is’

‘i’ll do well to remember today henceforth’ i was thinking and steer clear off emotional bullshit with Mr Richy. He’s got my number pat down and i don’t like any bit of it. Not at all.

‘take a chance baby, we all can do with some reckless once in a while. Its called living’ rich whispered for my ears only soon as we got home. He went to his building saying he’ got assignment and we moved towards our gate. ‘thanks, for the meal’ i threw at him.

IZUKWU: This is as delicious and as yummy as indomie

thanks IZUKWU, am starting to think i am my only audience here. Yummy it is...

Condom broke kwa? That man must eida be superman or have super instrument.

AMALA SKYE
...................................


‘For you’ he says, and went about getting me a stool and a cup.

‘ooooooohh, thanks rich’

‘what about me’ vic wants to know.

‘do i know you? Rich asked no one in particular ‘i don’t think so missy Vicky and you are so not my type’ faced me and continued ‘ about you needing evidence, i’ve got enough damaging stuffs, you’ve literally got her by the balls all the days of your life. So you think am sexy hun?’

It took a moment for his comment to register but when it did, the coke went the wrong way and i ended up spurting half my mouth content on Victoria, who was sitting closer to me.

Hey, watch it!!! She squealed.
After my eyes stopped watering. I serenely went back to chewing my crackers and said as calmly as i could considering the circumstances,

‘i didn’t say so. Besides that's a real rotten thing to do, eavesdropping on two ladies having a private chitchat. I said yummy, that’s a far cry from the sexy you heard. You must be full of yourself’.

‘You tell me’ he countered.
His lips were quivering and I see he was trying desperately to hold his laughter in.

Vic wasn’t having much luck, her giggles were leaking and it didn’t take long for me to start giggling too.

‘Yummy could very well be loosely interpreted as edible, right?‘ rich continued.

‘Yes’ i replied

‘And edible could as well be interchanged for hot. Ei?’

‘Maybe’ I was treading carefully now, I have a sneaky suspicion of where this is going.

‘So hot and sexy are one and same, wouldn’t you say?

‘Hummpppfffffff’ am not going to dignify that with an answer.

‘Victoria what say you?’

‘Dude you know where i stand on that topic, you are yummy, edible, hot and sexy but your attitude stinks, end of story. Pick up another hobby and stop eavesdropping on my door. Will you!!! You never know what you’ll overhear one day’.

‘You could have fooled me, and here I am thinking I’ve heard it all. Your door is gonna be mighty interesting these days’. Rich drawled

‘Get out’ i playfully slapped his shoulders and turned to Vic ‘sweetheart you could have told me about this before i said yummy. Now i’ve pumped his ego to the brim. Do you think he’s ever going to let me live this down’.

‘Nary a chance’ said rich holding my hands before i could chip in another smack ‘what did i say about your hands?, this makes it the second time today you smacked me and i've just met you. I’ll do well to steer clear off your hands in the future’.

‘I didn’t have the chance’ intoned vic, ‘besides don’t take it to heart, he’s incorrigible and if its any consolation you ain't the first, wouldn’t be the last too if i know richy dear and yessire i do know him. Why do you think i started laughing when you said yummy? because you just made him a happy man.’

‘Ok, guilty as charged’. Rich butted in, ‘can we forget about that and share some love please. So, tell me about you, name, faculty, department and level’.

‘The name is Bibi, faculty et al, same as Vic’.

‘Jambite uhn, he snickered and what kind of name’s Bibi’.

‘And someone named Richard would know’ I quipped ‘ my name is original, yours ain't. If we take a counter to how many people have been christened Richard from history till date, you’ll be found among uncountable. So back off!’

‘Hey! I didn’t mean anything by that, honest.’ He said throwing his hands up as a gesture of surrender. ‘Truce?’

‘Maybe’

‘What if I throw in lunch, will I be forgiven’

Now how did he know I was hungry?. ‘well, well. Since you put it that way, how can i say no to lunch and not forgive you ‘king Richard Lionheart’ I added sarcastically

‘hey! Take a chill pill, i already said sorry’ and added ‘nothing fancy in terms of our ‘truce’ lunch’ when he saw the wicked gleam in my eyes.

‘Yeah right’ I snorted

‘Uh oh, hold it right there mister’, vic threw a pillow at rich. ‘no way you are getting out of this. I may not be fancy but baby right here is very fancy, so be warned’

‘Why, thanks sweetie’ I smiled back at Vic.

I’d just turned around from smiling at vic when i noticed rich inching towards the door.

‘i believe i just met my match’, he was saying while moving closer to the door. ‘Victoria where did you meet this girl. “She’s very wicked” he added in a stage whisper.

Somebody tell me, where did this yummy dude think he’s going? I snagged his shirt just as he opened the door and was about beating a fast retreat ‘not so fast, Richie dear, besides what kind of man are you whose word don’t hold water? Uhn. Even if you hadn’t said you’ll be getting us lunch. A gentleman doesn’t leave hungry ladies by themselves, not if he’s got anything to say about it’

‘Great’. He rolled his eyes at me

‘what do you have in mind’ i guess he knows when he’s beaten.

‘Tasty fried chicken’

‘Then I hope you won't be averse to me leaving your friend as deposit when we are through’ he said to Victoria.

‘all the same to me, so long as i get to eat’ vic returned at both of us.

I dropped his shirt like it’s hot and scowled at both ‘you don’t say?!’ turned around and thumped Victoria’s chest ‘some friend you are’.

‘Ok, why don’t we go for “amala skye” we can’t verily leave baby all by herself to wash plates after eating’. Vic proffered

‘That’s a tempting thought’ rich said under his breath.

‘I heard that.’

‘Sorry’

(For those wondering what is amala skye, it is an amala and gbegiri joint situated besides skye bank at bodija, Ibadan.)

‘I’ll take Amala Skye then’. I added in defeat.

Victoria insisted on changing. Why change one pair of jean for another is totally beyond me. I only dusted my pencil skirt and re-arranged my simple shirt and am good to go.

Double post

BukkyDan: Nice one..love ya story

thanks bukkyDan.

‘Just so we are on the same page, did you wink just now?’

‘That is a reflex action, don’t think too much of it’ and winked again

I rolled my eyes and decided that maybe this is one of those instances where a shut mouth will do me much good.

Victoria reopened her door and not a moment too soon. We moved in, Rich dropped my bags, said he’s coming then left.

‘Who was that?’ I asked

‘Rich’ she shrugged

‘Yeah’ i already heard that.

‘Details’ i queried further.

‘Like what? He’s not my boyfriend if you were thinking that. He’s not my type too, ehmm i think’
she finished with a little smile playing around her face like she knew something she wasn’t telling.

‘You wish!!!' I grabbed her blouse and dragged her towards me which is no small feat and said in an ascending whisper

‘if you don’t tell me what you and i both know am asking for right now. I’ll tell the whole class you watch porn’

‘I wasn’t’ she popped her eyes at me.
'Was’
‘Wasn’t’
‘Was’ and stuck out my tongue at her ‘besides i’ve got evidence, so give’ i said finally pushing her to sit and pulling a chair to sit down too.

‘He’s a friend, lives right in front of this building and i swear that all’

‘He’s very very yummy’ I said in an incredulous whisper

She had the strangest look on her face for like 5seconds, and then she burst out laughing. The whole rolling on the floor, holding my tummy so it won’t burst kind of laugh.

‘Now what have i said wrong?’ but then i was more concerned she doesn’t burst a seam or rupture something.

‘Ok, i Gerrit, am no longer curious about richy since asking about him is causing you such mirth, might as well unpack’.

Two minutes later, i nudged her to ask her where to keep my clothes.

‘Baby, create a space for yourself’, she was no longer laughing but she looks like any little thing could still set her off and she had tears in her eyes from the first episode.

‘Knock’ ‘knock’

‘Come in Rich’

I paused momentarily and Rich sauntered in with a bottle of coke and crackers.

(next update? you tell me. absolutely not today though.)

‘Well be more careful baby, i wouldn’t want to get any flesh eating acid on me please.
Are you through with the Bunsen burner?’ she held out her hand across the table for it.

‘Yes, you can have it’ and went back to staring mournfully at my destroyed laboratory note.
I know of the classic ‘dog ate my homework’, now somebody please tell me how do i tell the lab attendant that ‘acid ate my laboratory note’.
Besides this is the end of the week, we’ve all got to submit our notes today and am way too old to get away with that kind of a silly excuse anyway.

Needless to say, i ended up buying a new pad and did a fast copyright of my partner’s note for the lecturer.

...................................

I dropped from a cab with my worldly possessions right in front of Vic’s house and stared at the gate listlessly. I summoned courage, moved closer to the gate was about knocking when it suddenly opened.

I wasn’t exactly spry, since i ended up giving whoever it was at the gate a knock on the nose.

‘Ooooops am sorry, am really really sorry. I wasn’t watching my steps’ I started apologizing.

He peeked at me from behind his hands glared at my offending hands, then raised his brows.

I followed his eyes down my face to the offending fist and quickly added ‘please do forgive me and hands too’. Wriggling the said hands at him.

‘Hey, it's cool’ the strange guy replied, finally taking his hands away from his face.

‘so long as you promise to watch yourself, and not give unsuspecting folks like me a broken nose.
Who you looking for?’

‘Victoria, and my knock wasn’t enough to knock out your nose buddy’.

‘So you say, if I wasn’t nimble on my feet. Who’s to say i wouldn’t have a broken nose right now’, he replied.

Although he was smiling at me now, thank God. ‘She’s in, i just left her room’.

‘Thanks’. I made to move in with my luggage, he grabbed one of them and followed me in.
We got to her room he leading the way, since he knew where we were going and knocked.

Victoria opened her door and drawled in a voice i hope to God she doesn’t consider sexy

‘Richy darling, you forgot something? Thought you said this was not your type of thing, changed your mind?’

‘Ta! You wish!! If I was interested in porn, I would prefer to view alone but no, I brought you a visitor and you might want to postpone your movie till later’ then he moved so Vic can see me where I was standing behind him with a horrified look on my face.

‘I knew it’ I thought ‘ I knew I had gotten myself into more than I chew’

‘Holy shit! ’ Vic shouted and slammed the door in our faces.

‘Don’t you worry about that, she’s got to make her room presentable’ Rich winked at me.

I was frozen solid where I was standing anyway, so no biggie I ain't going anywhere, not yet at least.

As titles go, up there isnt doing it for me but am not about letting myself think into eternity. its corny i know but we can always change it right?. this isn't like my previous story where i had it all out in my head before posting. This one here is fiction and i say its (write and update as i go, per comment billings ) and you, yes you get to determine how fast you want updates. i hope you get to enjoy it. i'm already loving all my characters to bits.


......................................................................
THE MEETING
‘You can stay with me, till you get a place of your own’. My laboratory partner says.

‘Thanks so much, I’ll be forever indebted to you’, i replied automatically heaving a relieved sigh. I was euphoric for five seconds before it hit me and when it did, my face rearranged itself into something DaVinci would have dearly loved to paint.
‘Capturing the human face at the realization of its own stupidity’.

WTF!!! This just won’t work, am i that desperate?

‘Baby, are you ok?’ Victoria asks and yes she is my laboratory partner. I focused on her and gave her a world class plastic smile.

‘of course, i am’ but i was far from being fine and here’s the reason.

Victoria is 4ft 7inch in her stockings, overweight though not flabby fat, more like solid big and got a face like a mutt. She would have been okay if not for her insistence on making-up her face with the weirdest colors in town.
Imagine a black girl who’s got blue, gold and pink on her face? i shudder.

When we were newly paired off together, i tried telling her to lay off the colors but she insists it gives her character, besides she’s got a lot of practice at pulling attitude. Hi, my name is Bibi, everyone calls me baby (because try as much as i could, i couldn’t get away from speaking in a squeaky high pitch baby voice) hence the nickname.

‘i’ll see you later this evening to bring over some of my luggage’, i told her.

How do i get out of staying with Vic, hun? I continued thinking i done gone and put my foot in my mouth again, bemoaning my accommodation status.

‘non problemo’ she replied and continued measuring and burning acids.

Drat! Me, am thinking plenty problemo. This is going to drag my reputation way back down to the gutters and just so we are clear about my reputation, phonetics doesn’t come to any girl in class better than me (i’ll be back to that later).

I don’t know which acid to burn and which to mix up anymore. I’d gotten myself into a state thinking of my predicament while absently swooshing acids across the Bunsen burner.

None of us know much about her, we know she puts a smile on our face though with her scary face and beautiful smile, did i tell you she has a wonderful smile. Yeah, like a braying donkey.

Truth is i also couldn’t reject her offer, i have got nowhere else to stay. Short of camping out at the campus chapel which i had been doing for a week now, it is either stay with her or continue camping out on cold hard benches at night, did i forget the mosquitoes,
Christ! They are merciless and they have sucked me to within an inch of my life.

A smack on the table and a loud thwack across my face snaps me right back to the present, a big glob of something funny flew out of the test-tube i was holding,
jumping back to avoid whatever foul smelling acid coming out for me from the tube, i saw it too late swoosh down on my pad, burnt it through and voila i destroyed a week worth experiment.

‘what now, give me a break. Will you’ i said looking up woefully.

‘Baby! Been calling you eons ago, besides who are you talking to just now’ Vic said to me, all business as usual.

‘God, i think’ and shrugged

‘Why?’ she asks quirking one eyebrow at me ‘are you alright’.

‘i hope so’ i reiterated ‘well, look at my lab note, burned through and we’ve got to submit it today’.

Still in Rm 21!!! . I pray Ishi gets out of there with her nether regions intact. Me am patiently waiting to see how dis plays out. Battle of wills indeed. (Ishi, thou shall not do... ) hope i didn't say anything out of...

@ mortee, dude you gotta pay for any stitches i do for you. Ehm as for fiction i'll start another one on monday. Already working on it though. So if you read and like it, we'll go from there.

@JeSoul, thanks so much (i figured since he's negro, he'll understand black jesus language faster than the jew. )

@mortee, like i said it was more real than fiction, if i ever write a complete fiction, i'll be looking around for you. Besides am in the fashion business and av got my hands full anyway. I wrote dt in my spare time which is few and far between. I don't know if i love writing more than sewing, but i daydream which i think is a good pre-requisite to writing. i'll dedicate more of my time to writing more then. Thanks a lot.

@Eweje, am humbled. Thanks too
P.S. Am still the same Tosin u know, never changed and hoping to never will. Jeez, imagine me with all the fun leeched outta me. *i shudder*

Sugarbabe_kemi@:
Who cares if u exagerated! dis is one of d best write up i've ever read! pls keep it up.

that i'll do. Thanks sugarbabe.

@ Efe, thanks so much. Your comment did boost my flagging confidence.

.............................................................................................



EPILOGUE

Just so you know what happened after i escaped for home, 3 of the disc i bought was bad/fake. Pfffftt, my head don catch them . I care less jooor. They should have known better than sending me. Udeme had to go back to ikeja to get MD new ones from his pockets .

He tried putting it on me the following day at the office, but my stars were re-alligned just right that day besides i made sure i changed my bathing soap. The MD was having none of it, said he should have better judgement next time. I couldn't have said it better.

Besides you can't fire somebody you don't pay now, can he? I guess not. He figured a query would be a waste of his time, so he didn't bother. Smart man. My nemesis got the query, suffice to say my nemesis had it coming. So I-WAS-FINALLY-AT-HAPPINESS.

THE END...

P.S. Fiction..... 10%
Exaggeration..... 20%

P.P.S. Honest to God, am computer literate and had a (B.Sc computer science) from a good federal university here in Nigeria. I always get my softwares from friends in class and never had the occassion of ever buying one, ever.

Which accounts for why i was swindled at ikeja. I guess thats the fiction in my story. As to my exaggerations, let your imaginations run wild too. I would be taking the fun out of the story now, don't you think?.

Am not a writer. I just love this section more than any other on nairaland. Infact, this section convinced me to stop being a guest and be a member. Everybody here rocks. You all are wonderful brilliant people, which is just the right sort of people i associate with. So please please forgive any writing rule i broke, but be sweet enough to point them out to me. Thanks much.

...............................................................................................


The good thing from that episode was I hadn't yet given the mad biker his fare. So no biggie, I got on a new bike for 500naira back to the office. I entered MD's office very late. It was 4:30pm already.

'Sir, this is the software' I handed out the discs to my MD.

'You are late’ M.D snapped. ‘I needed these five hours ago. Didn't I tell you I needed this 12 noon?' he continued with displeasure all over his face to who cares to see.

Me?! Asko!! My own annoyance sef pass, abi him sef no dey look face. I kept mum, I was still simmering with anger and I wasn't too far from tears. Besides rain no fall for eric moore nii, abi him no hear? wen nah inside padded full air-conditioned room him dey. How he wan take know say rain fall, abi wetin my eye don see today all because of five blasted software. Wetin dey even vex me pass anytime I tanda for him front, nah the salary wey he no gree give me, that tiny alawe remembrance is not doing any good thing to my blood pressure still.

I was dismissed with an annoyed wave.

I was very much past caring joor. 'No be only you dey vex oga, my own vex sef pass… Ooouunnnppppeeeee'.

Udeme sits closer to the door into our workstation, so it’s no surprise we met at the door. I gave a loud hiss and rolled my eyes mightily I actually gave myself headache to add to my woes, made to brush past him, but he held out his hands and stopped me.

‘Bose, he don do, no vex you hear, shebi you don go come back’. Udeme started cajoling

'Abegi, I no get your time and I’d rather be left alone. I’ve got a bad headache, bad blood pressure and raging emotions all brought on by the job you created for me today, so thanks but please let me be.'

Even the Bose wey him call me no do me anything. I don tire to vex for someone who is adamant about calling me Bose every now and then.

'No vex nah, I dey busy that time wey MD talk say make I go buy the thing for am, nah him make me tell her say you fit go buy am. Udeme continued walking me back to my workstation.

'So, nah me dey jobless bah' I queried

'No nah, but nah beg I dey beg you now, abi you want make I prostrate. You know say you be my yori-yori and if you vex for me, no more lunch for me for this office again'.

I happen to almost always make his lunch with mine in the office mini-kitchen, not a good incentive for me to forgive him but it’s probably good enough for him to consider prostrating. What I’d like that instance is for him to stop chirping into my ears, my head is aching still.

'No worry I no vex, I just tire' I said sitting down and willing him to walk back to his station. I just want to forget everything.

'Ok, how much you buy am' he asked confident I had forgiven him.

Not likely though, I just didn’t want to talk anymore.

'2500naira' I replied

'WHAT! Udeme said in a loud whisper. 'All the disc no suppose pass 1k now, for where you buy am?'

Ok, maybe my anger hadn't completely left because I’d started seeing red again. 'WHY ME' I raged within me, wetin I carry baff this morning, abi nah who I wake up see sef? Nah only me dey office niii?

'Udeme look at me, I started with an ascending whisper that spoke volumes of how annoyed I really am. I carry black Jesus beg you! He don do for today!! No be Ikeja you say make I go and that’s exactly where I went. Hiiaa!!! Odikwa serious today ooooh...confess now now o, who send you give me today omo calabar? I offend you nii abi wetin i do you sef?

Udeme was incredulous 'those disc sell for 250 naira max each, in some cases you'd get them for 150. So at most they shouldn't be more than 1250naira maximum'.

'Look Udeme, am in a mad bad mood right now. For starters you didn't tell me how much the discs are worth, also you know full well that I don't know the difference between a computer and its children or bastards. Now please give me a break because I don't want to hear about software till I hopefully leave this office back to Ibadan with my sanity intact, shogbo?’

‘Boooosssseeeeeeeee' he shot right back.

Well our good audience started laughing again. I really tried knowing why Bose gets them laughing every time. Wasn't successful knowing why? Twas a well-kept secret.

I placed my head on my desk and started crying for real this time.

'Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr gggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr' the extension on Udeme's desk was ringing.

'Hello’.

‘Yes sir'.

‘Ok sir’.

'That was the MD, saying I should drag my butt over to his office, pray this has nothing to do with you' Udeme said and left the office.

What did he mean by that I thought, sitting straight up like I’d been touched with electricity. I cleaned my tear-stained face and did a fast check at my time, it says 5:00pm. Aha! Whaddya know, something is finally working for me.

I grabbed my bag and left for home. Better safe than sorry, am not about to sit around and wait around for anymore shiit today. Yessire... I've had my fill of it for today, so thanks I’ll pass.

....................................................................................


The rain stopped finally after two hours and we continued our journey.

'Aunty, no vex oh, abeg shit dey do me. Please allow me branch for my friend’s house wey dey near this area, I no go tey at all. He don tey wey the thing don dey hook me, abeg I no fit hold am again'.

Which kain wahala be dis one now, chei make I talk say make person no shit again niii, I thought to myself, if I had known any better I would have allowed his shit hook him to death but am no seer, I couldn’t see that far into the future. I don't like this new development at all, besides its 3:15pm and I recollect vividly MD saying I should be back by noon. Now rain took two hours but then I am late whichever way I look at it. I might as well let the poor man stop and do his business jare. Big mistake there, I later decided.

'Ok, but do quick abeg, I don late already' I grumbled.

(and to reward me for my kind-heartedness, the silly twit took back roads, bypassed my office situated at Iponri and took me into Apapa Wharf and royally welcomed me into a guest house, and to think today couldn’t get any worse.)

He parked in front of a bungalow and told me to come inside, since I couldn't wait outside for him to do his business.

He’s right I suppose, I couldn’t verily stand outside now can I? I followed him in and straight off noticed that I was in a reception area. 'What is going on here?’ I asked myself while looking around surreptitiously ‘I don't like this at all, where am I? This is starting to smell funny'. I picked a sofa close to the door, sat down on the tip and was very alert to my surroundings.

This is starting to look like a kidnapping maybe for ritual attempt (wasn't even thinking rape, cause I thought that would be ridiculous) to me. They/them won't find it easy if any maga starts anything funny here, all the while I was thinking ‘just my luck, it’s only a combination of Lagos, Udeme and me that could make a totally bad day go to hell in a hand basket.

My heart continued with a loud boom that could only come from fear and the tiny remaining part of me that wasn’t already paralysed with fear wondered how no one else could hear the KABOOM my heart was making and the silly mantra ‘from frying pan to fire’ that kept itself on a loop in my mind.

‘Deborah you must be an idiot for going inside this building, anything that happens to you, is of your own doing because you should have known better’. I carefully detached my spectacles and got ready to use the eye-holder as a mini weapon. Then I overheard him say short time to the receptionist, paid and was given a key.

I have to digress here to let you know how I knew what the term short time means. I was with a course-mate and friend who lived off campus one evening to read. We came outside her bungalow for fresh air and well, there was a bar/guestroom in front of her bungalow.

Somehow she started talking about the bad lifestyle of some married women in Ibadan. ‘Most of these women are married women but here they are fornicating’.

'They are having a harmless drink, how and when did you see and know that they fornicate' I replied.

'Silly mummy's girl they are going inside to have short time sex, and then they come back outside to drink to their shame. Dirty women’ my friend spat.

'Short time sex' I say, clearly confused at this point, ‘what is short time sex? I mean is there anything like short time or long time sex. Please explain yourself ooo'.

Then she proceeded to tell me everything i don't want to know about short-term sex et al, and no am not telling you what she said that night long ago, but I was horrified. She is a proud lasgidian, lives at Allen Avenue Ikeja too, so she knows what she's saying, I think. Now back to my story before I start another.

The bike man came towards me after collecting the keys to a room and asked me, pleasantly I should say.

'chei make them give you anything like drinks, peppersoup abi u go like eat, food dey ooo?'

And give you the opportunity to drug me abi, uhn uhn buddy, no way in hell, earth or heaven is that going to ever happen. I was no longer thinking rituals, I was thinking this maga wan rape me ooo.

'No, am fine. Thank you' I calmly replied even though Mount Vesuvius had nothing on the anger brewing in me.

I wanted him to put his foot in his mouth first, so I’d be justified with any rash action on my part. But then did I tell the madman that I was hungry or thirsty.

'Ok, no problem' he said and made as if to go, but came back and started stuttering

'ehm, you see... Actually...you know, ehm make you... as in come inside...and ehm since...as in...erhm actually I mean say....*coughs*, summons more courage and raced through the rest
'na only you siddon here and he no good, my friend no go like am, so follow me inside'.

'And why is that' I asked in the most unfriendly voice I could manage.

All the while I was thinking 'somebody hold me back, this twerp has done it, finally managed to put his foot in his mouth, what utmost nonsense...’

'I am not interested in leaving this room, where is your so called friend now as well because i'd like to see your partner-in-crime? As a matter of fact, I’d like to go now'.

'Hin no dey house now, na wetin him sister tell me be that.'

'Him sister?! Are you alright?!! You dey MAD?!!! , I shouted.

‘You hear me so, madness dey para for yah head big time, weyrey. Wetin i do you wey make you carry me come here, you come dey talk like person wey crocodile chop him face comot, Oloshi, omo ale jati jati. Just wait I dey come, just one minute'

I went towards the receptionist and asked her if she knew my mad bike-man and she shook her head ‘No’

‘Ok, where am I now please’

'Apapa wharf side' she replied.

'how I go take enter eric moore for iponri area?'

'Just take a bike outside’.

'Thank you, God bless you sister'. I finished.

All this while, the bike man was begging and insisting that I had just misconstrued his intentions.

'Aunty, I swear I no carry you come do short time now, nah shit I come shit for here. True'

'For your mind chei?, Because I tell you say I be JJC, you carry me come where I no know, for your mind abi, you think say I no go get yah gimmicks abi. Na JJC I be, I no stupid join. Upon all the copy and paste my chest and your back do reach ikeja, no do you abi, you wan Zap toto join, anuofia! na God go punish you!! Punish all the female members of your family join wetin you do me today!!!

In fact Udeme, God go punish you too. Because nah your fault wey make all this happen to me today. You wan shit for friend house, come turn to wetin i wan drink for guest house, nah that shit go kill you useless buffon, ole(thief), unscrupulous element, porcupine, tolotolo(turkey), oloriburuku(bad head), weyrey(mad man), ewu(goat), alangba(lizard).

I was so mad I had resorted to calling him animal names once I had exhausted my limited vocabulary of swear words. Don’t blame me, mother doesn't swear and the few ones I knew, I’d picked up in school and from peers.

One of the boys in the room, probably the bartender with lots of pimples on his face came closer and said 'So you no get agreement with your ashawo before you carry am come here, you don dey craze for head oh'.

Lawd! Have!! mercy!!! Did someone just call and in effect label me *ashawo* sweet holy canatra in the air (don't ask me what that means, i don't know). I must be dreaming, this can’t be happening to me for Christ sake. My eyes had practically flown out of their sockets.

'Who be ashawo! Answer me!! Abi you too dey mad join this idiot!!! I shrieked.

I was past shouting at this juncture, I was screaming my head off. I was so mad I wanted to just start jumping up and down from the mad adrenaline coursing through my veins. I leaped on the bike man and swiped his face with my nails, I wasn't called hawk nails by friends for nothing. Somebody is begging for injury and I am determined to oblige.

After the damage caused to my person, the chit is getting off easy. His shirt was already in shreds by now but I kept swiping, screaming, biting, snapping and shrieking. I was past 'sorry aunty no vex'. I was now intent on murder. Everybody’s stance was now 'crazy woman, keep off her. She's very very dangerous'.

'She no be ashawo oh, nah my customer she be oh' the bike man shouted amidst pleading while shielding himself from me trying to tear off his face totally.

'CUSTOMER' pimple face taunted, pronouncing the word customer in such a way that left little doubt to everybody just what kind of customer he meant.

I’d just about had it with pimple face, I left the bike man and started cussing out pimple face.

'Abeg no put my own join, me i no dey look face oh, I no want ashawo wahala oh' pimple face said sarcastically.

For a funny moment there, he actually reminded me of Udeme back at the office, he is determined to call me ashawo and from the skeptical look on the faces of everyone, they're all thinking the same thing, though singing a different tune of 'madam no vex'.

I was shaking badly and on the verge of crying, but I’ll be dammed if I cry in front of these people. I spat on the bike man, gathered my tattered pride and left the room.

...............................................................................


We got to our destination and he pointed out some guys to me, 'nah those guys dey sell the software'

'Ehn-hen,' I said climbing down from d bike at last with shaky legs, 'which one abi nah all of them?'

‘Nah all of them nah, 'wey carry suitcase', just give them that paper, them go give you the software. Abeg do quick make we dey go, he be like say rain wan fall oh'.

Great! All I need to finish off my bad day is getting soaked. Am not looking forward to it neither am I looking forward to the return trip back to the office. Chimo!! AYAMATANGA today ooooo!!!

I moved closer to one in a blue t-shirt told him I needed some software, in the process I’d handed over my list.
He looked it over and said 'well, nah two of them I get now, but don't worry I’ll get the rest for you. Charles, come come, you get this software'.
The guy he called peered in and said 'Nah dis three I get'.
Which happens to be one, because blue shirt had two already.

'Ok, how do I get this remaining two ehn?' I looked at both of them woefully.

'That one no be problem now, Make I enter inside go find am for you' Charles said.
He took my list and went inside (computer village).

The sky isn't happy with me too, dark menacing clouds just kept gathering. What if he's unable to get the remaining software I thought? I really need to be gone from here before the sky starts weeping. Here’s another thought for myself, what if he doesn’t find the remaining software? Is there another market around here? Or do I get to bike the length and breadth of Lagos looking for some blasted software for a company I sincerely believe am not beholden to?
Oh no! No!! No!!! I hope it doesn't get to that. Else I’d better start looking for another company that will put up with me for my Industrial Attachment, because me Deborah is not going to go looking for software in the rain'. Lai lai lai lai, kojo rara.

Few minutes later, Charles re-appeared with the two remaining software. The first three were put together.

I heaved a sigh of relief and thought, this is not so bad after all and maybe I won’t get any more bad surprise today. Udeme had already jinxed today for me I guess, but maybe am due for some good turn-around sometime soon before I start crying from anger. Little did I know I was jumping my gun. Today nah today and today isn’t through with me just yet.

'How much them come be now?' I asked my two Samaritans.

'Aunty nah just 3500 naira' Charles replied.

'Wetin! You no dey look face? Abegi chei he no gree 2,500 nii, abi nah because I put corporate head to toe no mean say I no know the price wey dem they sell am now?' I bargained.

I could actually pay what they are requesting for and no, I don’t know how much they are sold, but being an Ibadan babe. My default system says barter and haggle like a fish woman over any and everything I buy.

'Ok, no problem. Bring am' blue shirt says

I hesitated, 'that was fast, Maybe I should go lower’ I thought.

I was about to start re-negotiations when the sky rumbled and groaned.

Crap! This rain means business and the bike man was starting to fidget and lose patience, time to go.

I handed over the money, grabbed my merchandise and we took off. Halfway back, it began drizzling and before you could blink, it started pouring in torrents. We drove into a filling station to wait out the rain and to add insult upon injury I finally did get wet. Shior.
For want of a better thing to do, we got talking. He got to know I was JJC doing an I.T stint in Lagos and that am a local Ibadan babe. He must be feeling sorry for not hiking my fare well. Unknown to me, a plan started taking roots in his head. Playing out that plan was what made me erupt in anger like a volcano.

The fact that I never set foot in Lagos before doesn't make me local now does it? But I guess (lasgidians) will beg to disagree. What do I know than to play with okoto abi?