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Tunmiluabi's Posts

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Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 12:13pm On May 15, 2020
Ybaby:


His life changed when he stopped eatting his wife's sweat.

Eating a wife sweat keeps a husband in a broke place.

Maybe you are right, no doubt, I might have misread the situation. But do you think with 170K she would have been able to pay the rent of 950k/year and and still pay school fees for our child? I say no. We both had mutual contributions and projection. I fulfilled my part. I never failed.

I would like to say before I got married, I might not have been doing so well, but I funded the marriage with my 3years of savings. That same business might not have been doing well but it had its times. Sometimes I will bring home 10k, 20k/month, although it might take some time to bring so much but when its good 2 to 3months apart I can bring about 200k.. for 6month I may go with very little. still, I was hopeful it would be better.

During her earlier salary situation was not bad, probably because we were in a 1bed apartment and the pressure was less - Also, I was providing the much I could. As indicated in my earlier lines most of my income went into doing practically everything. She contributed immnesly as well.

It only got really worse when the position came. The new apartment even took a lot out of us. I agreed to the move because I felt saving for the rent might not be a difficult thing to do. Till I left the apartment we never owed.

Despite quarrels, I was still able help her with the transition to the new position. The transition was such that she had to be good at at staistics and business modeling for the new marketing Insight role. I trained her in SAS, advanced excel and Power BI before I left the house. Coupled with her natural brilliance she was able to secure it. What more could I have done. If I was lazy I would not have had time for that and would normally have told her to look else where. There were times when I would walk from iponri to fadeyi and back seeking clients going form shop to shop, office to office to secure client. That is not to say I did not use public transport. There were also time when I will call friends to help as well.

If you read my threads well, I had my share of good contributions and support. I might not have met up of to her expectation.

Some comment indicted I might have been weak. Maybe, but what I know is that, I am happy for the way handled the situation. It could have turned out terrible. I was hopeful things were going to change. That kept me going. You can't force a change on anyone. You can only do your part.

I believe these things happens, it has happened to many people, I will not be first and the last, why fight a lost battle. I fought for my marriage the best I could. I might not have been so religious about it, but I did the best I could. I have fought many battles, I won some, I lost some. In this particular one I lost woefully.

In one of the threads, someone indicated I might have cheated with another woman or even have left with another woman. I could have, I wish I did but I did not. I have the right mental strength to whistand the situation but maybe I lacks the right approach to deal with it. Its a pity our frustrations are different and problems are unique, just like the way we deal with them. I have no comment. I might not be a saint but I really do know what I want.

Please I would like to make this submission my last one. Permit me to rest my case. Thank you all.

3 Likes

Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 12:07pm On May 15, 2020
Ybaby:
Such a sad story. Glad you are doing well.

See women are not good at paying a man's bills. We are not wired that way.

She starts seeing such a man as a child.

Once a man stops seeing the woman as his bread winner - the way will open for him like it opened for OP.

Young men get money! there is a financial clock for men.

OP, happy for you.



Maybe you are right, no doubt, I might have misread the situation. But do you think with 170K she would have been able to pay the rent of 950k/year and and still pay school fees for our child? I say no. We both had mutual contributions and projection. I fulfilled my part. I never failed.

I would like to say before I got married, I might not have been doing so well, but I funded the marriage with my 3years of savings. That same business might not have been doing well but it had its times. Sometimes I will bring home 10k, 20k/month, although it might take some time to bring so much but when its good 2 to 3months apart I can bring about 200k.. for 6month I may go with very little. still, I was hopeful it would be better.

During her earlier salary situation was not bad, probably because we were in a 1bed apartment and the pressure was less - Also, I was providing the much I could. As indicated in my earlier lines most of my income went into doing practically everything. She contributed immnesly as well.

It only got really worse when the position came. The new apartment even took a lot out of us. I agreed to the move because I felt saving for the rent might not be a difficult thing to do. Till I left the apartment we never owed.

Despite quarrels, I was still able help her with the transition to the new position. The transition was such that she had to be good at at staistics and business modeling for the new marketing Insight role. I trained her in SAS, advanced excel and Power BI before I left the house. Coupled with her natural brilliance she was able to secure it. What more could I have done. If I was lazy I would not have had time for that and would normally have told her to look else where. There were times when I would walk from iponri to fadeyi and back seeking clients going form shop to shop, office to office to secure client. That is not to say I did not use public transport. There were also time when I will call friends to help as well.

If you read my threads well, I had my share of good contributions and support. I might not have met up of to her expectation.

Some comment indicted I might have been weak. Maybe, but what I know is that, I am happy for the way handled the situation. It could have turned out terrible. I was hopeful things were going to change. That kept me going. You can't force a change on anyone. You can only do your part.

I believe these things happens, it has happened to many people, I will not be first and the last, why fight a lost battle. I fought for my marriage the best I could. I might not have been so religious about it, but I did the best I could. I have fought many battles, I won some, I lost some. In this particular one I lost woefully.

In one of the threads, someone indicated I might have cheated with another woman or even have left with another woman. I could have, I wish I did but I did not. I have the right mental strength to whistand the situation but maybe I lacks the right approach to deal with it. Its a pity our frustrations are different and problems are unique, just like the way we deal with them. I have no comment. I might not be a saint but I really do know what I want.

Please I would like to make this submission my last one. Permit me to rest my case. Thank you all.

5 Likes

Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 11:50am On May 15, 2020
kennedyugo:

Hey, inasmuch as I admire your calmness in the situation you found yourself, you didn't do well by quiting. You should have fought for your marriage properly.
If you've seen the movie "War room", you will know what I am talking about. This is a marriage that God has trusted you with, and you are answerable to Him.

All I am saying is, you should have taken your case to the God that ordained marriage in the first place. All you need to do is repent and surrender to Him. Persist in prayers. Allow God to guide you. And you would see a Miraculous turn around.
He will starting by restoring your love for your wife. This love would drive you to intercede for her on a daily basis.

My brother, this is a battle, and it's not a physical one.
Advice.

You could still do something. Start now. Go to God in repentance. Start praying for your wife and your family. I bet you, in a short while, you would see a miracle.

God bless you
Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 11:45am On May 15, 2020
yankeenowo:
This is so emotional story! But Succinctly, you wife was never at fault either as you have xplained your side of the story. Before this, she use to be a very loyal , humble and respected house wife.

The fact is, when life does not smile to a man in marriage , the man automatically becomes once a husband. The man will loose his confidence as a husband material. But to God be glory , you got a better life because you were hopeful and never a lazy man.

It would have been best to reunion with your wife and live a happy family with your kid but the adulterous part of her kept my wish dashed.

But despite, I will never see your wife as a bad person. Every lady can fall same temptations. ....men outside can be extreamly caring to a house wife in a condition when her husband is zero responsible. Most ladies will see love and care in it but behold it's just a joker to get in between their legs. You wife fell for a deceit of care and love and she opened her legs not because she does not loves you bro.


Maybe you are right, no doubt, I might have misread the situation. But do you think with 170K she would have been able to pay the rent of 950k/year and and still pay school fees for our child? I say no. We both had mutual contributions and projection. I fulfilled my part. I never failed.

I would like to say before I got married, I might not have been doing so well, but I funded the marriage with my 3years of savings. That same business might not have been doing well but it had its times. Sometimes I will bring home 10k, 20k/month, although it might take some time to bring so much but when its good 2 to 3months apart I can bring about 200k.. for 6month I may go with very little. still, I was hopeful it would be better.

During her earlier salary situation was not bad, probably because we were in a 1bed apartment and the pressure was less - Also, I was providing the much I could. As indicated in my earlier lines most of my income went into doing practically everything. She contributed immnesly as well.

It only got really worse when the position came. The new apartment even took a lot out of us. I agreed to the move because I felt saving for the rent might not be a difficult thing to do. Till I left the apartment we never owed.

Despite quarrels, I was still able help her with the transition to the new position. The transition was such that she had to be good at at staistics and business modeling for the new marketing Insight role. I trained her in SAS, advanced excel and Power BI before I left the house. Coupled with her natural brilliance she was able to secure it. What more could I have done. If I was lazy I would not have had time for that and would normally have told her to look else where. There were times when I would walk from iponri to fadeyi and back seeking clients going form shop to shop, office to office to secure client. That is not to say I did not use public transport. There were also time when I will call friends to help as well.

If you read my threads well, I had my share of good contributions and support. I might not have met up of to her expectation.

Some comment indicted I might have been weak. Maybe, but what I know is that, I am happy for the way handled the situation. It could have turned out terrible. I was hopeful things were going to change. That kept me going. You can't force a change on anyone. You can only do your part.

I believe these things happens, it has happened to many people, I will not be first and the last, why fight a lost battle. I fought for my marriage the best I could. I might not have been so religious about it, but I did the best I could. I have fought many battles, I won some, I lost some. In this particular one I lost woefully.

In one of the threads, someone indicated I might have cheated with another woman or even have left with another woman. I could have, I wish I did but I did not. I have the right mental strength to whistand the situation but maybe I lacks the right approach to deal with it. Its a pity our frustrations are different and problems are unique, just like the way we deal with them. I have no comment. I might not be a saint but I really do know what I want.

Please I would like to make this submission my last one. Permit me to rest my case. Thank you all.

9 Likes

Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 12:31am On May 14, 2020
Ybaby:



You stopped dusting your books

You stopped being self motivated and required force.


Thank you much appreciated.

7 Likes

Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 11:56pm On May 13, 2020
Ybaby:


Spiritually when a man is eatting from the sweat of his wife - things hardly get better for him.

I like the word you used "forced"

If she was still feeding you - you will not have this new job because you needed force to dust your books and I pray you continue to dust more books more knowledge so no one has to ever force you again.

Buy your wife a gift for forcing and demanding you step up and realise your potential.

She really tried for you. Many other women would be meek and feeding you and you will never dust those books and realise this new potential and well done to you for stepping up albiet it was after torture.

Go to a corner in your room and vow to your maker that you will never eat of a woman/wife sweat again.

I take a decision from the day one I got married about what I wanted. It might not have worked but I kept my spirit high. Some people are more favored that others and I took that in its stride and believed my time would come. I submitted mt CV in so many place. It was an everyday affair. Someone stopped believing and chose her path.

27 Likes

Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 11:48pm On May 13, 2020
CHoccolaTE:


Indeed grin
As they are reminding women of submission let's remind them that they must provide too

I do not believe in submission I believe in mutual respect and trust. Where those do not exist,the relationship is dead. There should not be any competition in a home talk less of submission or apportioning roles.

35 Likes

Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 10:55pm On May 13, 2020
Ybaby:


My bro every man has a 3 months grace to get his shit together.

Life happens and most wives especially in a society like NG prefer to be married at least for appearance sake so for a woman to go from angel to witch ... it takes 3 months.

Now for better for better not worse ..... that statement does not supercede the man being an infidel or worse than an infidel when he cannot provide. They will be together but he will leave by himself when the fury of hell is brought on him.

No one is more resilient than women - she is programmed to carry a child for 9 months - but no matter how.much money she has..... for emphasis I will repeat no matter how much money she has - she is not programmed to shelter, feed or cloth a man least of all her husband.


See the bible said worse than an infidel - meaning he will be treated worse than an infidel.

Teach your sons how to make money. Let the girls go to school and let the boys learn to trade and go to school.

A man is practically useless in a family setting if he is not providing

Ire o

I appreciate your lines and I thank you for making me understand a lot of things I might not have known. Also permit me to look at your feedback line-by-line and word by word.

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My bro every man has a 3 months grace to get his shit together:

If it takes 3month for a man to deliver to his family in time of tribulations and challenge. What time frame might we allocate to woman to heal after being involved in a life threatening accident that took away all her great attribute for performing any role as a wife? Can we say 3month, 3years etc. Same question can go the man what if?

Life happens and most wives especially in a society like NG prefer to be married at least for appearance sake so for a woman to go from angel to witch ... it takes 3 months.:

Are you telling that marriage is so Artificial that the society need to redefine its requirements... Maybe there should be a law that states explicitly - that considering the natural state of mind woman and the maximum period for a woman to go from an Angel to a monster... A divorce proceeding can commence after one year when either of the party is not able to provide a certain percentage of material expectations, Maybe it should be a criminal offence? Maybe we will all sit and think well before we get into an "artificial contraption".... pls just saying. Are your telling me that WOMAN is inherently weak and deprived of any sense of good judgement and GRACE? Are you indicating that the WOMAN is mentally and spiritually WEAK by nature. My parents, in the face of the worst situations they have lived together for 55years, even they still hold hands till date. I take inspiration from their life. My mother at no point in time said anything bad about my father even when we knew he was wrong, neighter did my father. I am not perfect, but I have foundation that kindles my believe. Even the best and the richest people have their problems?

Now for better for better not worse ..... that statement does not supersede the man being an infidel or worse than an infidel when he cannot provide. They will be together but he will leave by himself when the fury of hell is brought on him:


If the man is infidel because he cannot provide, what is a woman who cannot BELIEVE and see through the situation. The word INFIDEL as used in the Quran needs not be taken out of context context. Muslims on the forum can expatiate. I would like to know.

No one is more resilient than women - she is programmed to carry a child for 9 months - but no matter how.much money she has..... for emphasis I will repeat no matter how much money she has - [b]she is not programmed to shelter, feed or cloth a man least of all her husband:

Yes I agree. As human we are capable of doing what pleases our hearts. I would have believed aside fro wisdom, mental and spiritual resilience takes precedence in all life matters. The consequence of a life without them is glaring. If the WOMAN can see through nine months of excruciating pains and still was able to give birth even when there no guarantees that child will live. What do you think is the lesson learnt? All she does is BELIEVE. It just like attending primary, secondary, university and even spending a lot on master degree for rare knowledge. Still life does not guarantee anything to anyone. Its never weakest or the strongest that wins the race of life. Its our capacity to wait for that CHANCE and TIME that matters. Opportunity come with preparation. Is the resilient WOMAN able to stand FAIR and FIRM. I believe it take a special WOMAN to see this.. There are so many. We have women who are married to the poorest of the poorest men and still come out unshakened. I will share a typical example with you if time permits. There are so many men who are married to women with terrible life challenges long before they got married... So are even disabled and even cant bear children. It takes the special MAN to see beyond the situation. There are so many. I really think you line undermines the natural capacity of the spiritual resilience of a woman. I have a mother you know.. I can still remember events.

See the bible said worse than an infidel - meaning he will be treated worse than an infidel:

Yes it true again.. They are only emphasizing the place of the MAN in a home. His failure is the failure of his family. He has to perfect his ways to enhance his family. Failure to do is tantamount to a gave consequence. There is no point for me to even tell the position of the Holy Books on the woman who betrays her husband... When we use the Holy books for definitions that requires more explanation and we refuse to STANDOUT, we will be digging more holes than we can fill. So I will be staying away from using the Books. We need to remember that our children can either be male of female. Our position goes a long way in shaping their future. If we teach your children to make money we need to emphasized that life is beyond the materialism that come with it, hence he/she might priorities money over affection, and would prioritize lust or love. There are still so many rich who are not happy and there some many wealth married woman who are not. Same goes for single males and females. Rather than living our lives, our deprivation and fights through our children there is need to always emphasis the grace that comes with living with or without the wealth that comes with living. The truth is that any of these does not guarantee any happiness for anyone no matter you status or state of mind in life.

A man is practically useless in a family setting if he is not providing :

I would beg to disagree. It takes a great family to stay together in times of challenges. It takes grace for them to overcome. It takes a wise man/woman to see through the situation. If man is lazy, I agree it is terrible, if a woman is lazy it terrible. But take it or leave it, Living is choice but life does not even guarantee you a happy ending. So behind a a successful woman is a man with grace and behind a successful man is a strong woman. If your read through history most great people rise though the ashes and with the support of the Special people who are able to trust and believe in them. It does go a long way.

My overall take on your position: No aspect of life is guaranteed not even to the richest, poorest, the strongest or weakest. No amount of hard-work will position you. If LIFE chooses they can remain poor for life, for all it cares. Time and chance are spiritual. It for the SPECIAL ones only and its not negotiable. If that time comes and life imposes a marathon on you, you can step aside, continue or start all over again. You can even fill yourself with HATE. Life does not speak our language. I am a living testimony to this. I graduated as computer Engineer (not with the best of grades though). I believed I could never get a job I so desired, not to forget that I had in my SSCE (6 - A1, 1 -A2 and C4 in English). What if I was not educated. I will sit down now and blame myself as if education guarantees wealth. In the face of challenges we all need some one to lean on. I have had my share of brilliance and struggles, have no doubt that either of these can surface at anytime. There are some many of our sisters and brother suffering absolute injustice but because the society dictates how we much react, and who is responsible for what roles, they keep quiet and die in their silence. I started a business which took us so far but was not really promising. Although that was one business I always loved and cherished but life gave it bashing. If the one you married ans trust can not see your struggles but spit it in your face. Its time to redirect your energy not matter the consequence. Thanks to my upbringing and the support of my Aged parents and siblings. If I may tell, my wife too finished with a distinction from Yabatech but all she got for SALARY did not pass for brilliance. She is tremendously brilliant. Still, we lived on the low...

I never realised what I thought was not useful 14years ago was going be my JOKER. I was forced to go back, dusted my books and fought to be relevant again. On the day of my interview they did not believe I was so CHEAP. The agreed take home with benefit salary was R115,000 naira per month. But to my surprise, the offer received had a different amount. I give God the glory and still cry till date. Never realised I could earn that much despite lack of real profession engagements. I passed test with minimum of 80%. I cried and cried when I saw the results. But grace smiled on me. Please note that I only received my appointment sometimes in November 2019. It was a prioritized position. I asked myself WHY NOW? Not after I have lost everything. I will forever be grateful to friends who stood with me not by me, who saw me responsible enough to feed me when I had nothing to eat, who borrow me clothes and shoes for my many interviews. I thank my my friend who borrower his best Suit for the last interview. I also thank the one that gave me his shoes and tie as well. I did have my times and I thank thank God for the experience. But most importantly my aged parents who said they don't want to hear complain, they wanted me to live again. I am a generally happy person, I am not perfect, I get angry, I cry and I will not claim to be a saint in the challenges that ended my CHERISH MARRIAGE. There is really no gain without pain... It was my journey and I embraced with all sense of dignity. For the record I NEVER HAD ANY WOMAN EXCEPT MY WIFE. Moreover, I did not have time... I was only dedicated to overcoming my challenges.

We can say whatever we want to say. Life will never pay a good person with evil. It will only test your resilience to see if you can manage the situation. Constituency and dedication is gift I will continue to cherish. I did not let my challenges change my person, I still smiled, even when close friends and family members knew I was not happy. The bathroom was my friend, that was my space to cry and when I am done crying I will leave and smile again. Nobody till today know why I moved out (at least from me) but I will keep it like that. I will have nothing to gain or loose. I only decided to tell my story after many advice on similar issue on this forum. I get taken aback by the comments and wonder why we can sit behind the desk an spit FIRE instead of reconciliation, yet we want to have a relationship or we already have one. In a relationship you will never know the truth. Be quick to judge but be patient to spit it out...

Thank you.

91 Likes 10 Shares

Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 8:15am On May 13, 2020
CHoccolaTE:
OP, tunmi
When you had no job and she was providing were you assisting her with chores and childcare at least to make things easier for her and reduce stress or were you being bossy and expecting 24/7 complete submission from her?

Answer honestly.

I don't even trust marital stories on nairaland because the party telling the story will ALWAYS hide their own faults and magnify the wrongdoings of their partners

I did all I could, but nothing I did was go enough.

5 Likes

Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 12:00am On May 13, 2020
Gift7428:
Well your wife was not entirely bad because at some degree, she was supportive with her meagre earnings.

I go on telling people that the first thing you need to search for in life is money.
Every other thing can come later on that.

I dont know her tale and why she decided to call for such route, but I will not judge her either.

I am so happy that you have genuinely moved on and has no grudge against her.

Lastly, I picked something from your narrative.
Please work on your finances.Start building multiple streams of income if you have not begun doing so. The oil company is not like it used to be and the money you make currently in Lekki might go with the breeze if you are not too careful.
I live in Lekki...

You must not continue the graphic design but look around you and see the needs of the masses.
Supply those needs( Business)
Graphic design for me is not too lucrative.I onced received a very good Simple Logo from an American website for 5 dollars.

All in all, i wish you well.

Gift7428:
Well your wife was not entirely bad because at some degree, she was supportive with her meagre earnings.

Yes, you are correct... up to date I cant tell what happened.

3 Likes

Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 11:57pm On May 12, 2020
Gift7428:
Well your wife was not entirely bad because at some degree, she was supportive with her meagre earnings.

Yes you are very correct! .. up to date can tell what happened.

I go on telling people that the first thing you need to search for in life is money.
Every other thing can come later on that.

I dont know her tale and why she decided to call for such route, but I will not judge her either.

I am so happy that you have genuinely moved on and has no grudge against her.

Lastly, I picked something from your narrative.
Please work on your finances.Start building multiple streams of income if you have not begun doing so. The oil company is not like it used to be and the money you make currently in Lekki might go with the breeze if you are not too careful.
I live in Lekki...

You must not continue the graphic design but look around you and see the needs of the masses.
Supply those needs( Business)
Graphic design for me is not too lucrative.I onced received a very good Simple Logo from an American website for 5 dollars.

All in all, i wish you well.
Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 11:53pm On May 12, 2020
Dyt:


But you need a friend
From your write up, you been through alot

It's ok
I won't persuade you
**that's if you don't have any**

Have a goodnight rest in your lekki suite sir

Thank you ma... Have a great night.

12 Likes

Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 11:39pm On May 12, 2020
Dyt:


Which is no?
Are you ready to date too?


Not keen at the moment...

18 Likes 1 Share

Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 11:35pm On May 12, 2020
Dyt:



Classic





Are you single?
Dating?

Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 11:00pm On May 12, 2020
zeb04:
your story is almost like mine.(except there was no violence).

We didn't have financial challenges but by the second year, we were practically quarreling almost every week.

My husband stopped showing affection so i resulted to getting it someplace. Every time he sees my chat with those guys, it made him so angry but well to me he wasn't showing affection or attention either so I continued.

Anyways finally, we decided to go our separate ways. I never called, blocked his mum and everyone out of my life. I was angry because I felt,if only he treated me how I wanted to be treated then ........

He was angry because why can't my wife just stop chatting with this people.

It took 6 months seperation to realise that I wanted my marriage backk. But in that time, I realized that no matter now much you date before marriage,marriage and life still bring their own problems.

Most issues in marriage will be sorted out if we react with peace and love.

Everyone has baggage, since you know of your partner's short coming, see a counselor,sort them out.

The next spouse(we day dream of and glorify in our head) still has their own issues. You wouldn't know until you marry them.

God will never do the work in our marriage. Even he brings the next person, you will still have to weed the grass,sow the seed, harvest it. (You will still have to work on that marriage).

Take this time apart and just REST, then evaluate your marriage and see if there is any Window of opportunity to make it work.

Glorious! Thanks. In my marriage I was the one deprived of affection and everything that comes with being married. I never for once looked else where and never discussed with anyone except now on this forum. I have always known that my condition was not permanent. I and believed that I was going rewrite my own story. All I wanted was a go at an opportunity and for her to stand by me and which never came. But when it finally came, the deed has been done. Forgiveness is grace, I have done that already. I swear I have nothing against her. To be honest, she doesn't even know that I have a job. She only knows I am not dead. She has called to let me know that I should work hard to help raise my kid. I am sure she is surprised, I send money to her account on a monthly basis for our kid's upkeep. There is no need for me to brag to her about my current status. If she finally knows, it will great for her. I believe the greatest gift in life is not just knowledge or wisdom but grace to believe, believe, and believe again. At the moment, I have not taken a decision on what next line of action is but what I do know is that she is not in any of the my plans. At the moment I am concentrating on re-certifications that I have not done in years. I will update you guy as LIFE gives me more "feedbacks".

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Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 7:36pm On May 12, 2020
linnyx:


I understand where you're coming from. But for the sake of your child a handful of people need to know your own side of the story. You wife doesn't have to be there when you tell your side.

Please do this so they don't all agree with her and turn your child against you in the future because you're trying to be a gentleman. I've seen this cause a lot of problems or some people like you. They never had the relationship they sought with their children. At the time the truth eventually came to light it was too late to have the relationship. All these because nobody heard their own side of the story.


Defending yourself does not even help. The strength to write this note is my willingness to see beyond myself, there might be need for more insight. I know love is not one directional neither is it "multi-directional", it’s usually in the eye of the one looking at you. Love has no other name but LOVE. I might not be perfect but imperfection can still be unlearned by truly appreciating the situation. There is absolutely no reason to hurt anyone. I would believe that I failed to see her expectations through her lens and she failed to notice my sincere affections towards her. I might not be happy with the way things turned out but the situation has not made me any angrier. But it’s normal to be unhappy and I know that when I don’t mind being unhappy – It won’t last and eventually all will be alright and I hold same for her. Although, with all honesty, I did not see this happening, but I would like to know what our “stupidity” and “failure” has caused us. This will help if we finally move on with our lives. Given the situation, I believe I tried my best, but was not good enough. I am inspired by opportunities life has offer. I will channel my rage, drain and pain for a renewed future without my current dilemma. I am sure it will end in PRAISE. Thank you... there might not be need to tell it all. Life is like WIND it either blows in your favour or against.. Its your choice to stay strong. For those who might not understand that its not a struggle between the MAN the WOMAN, the only existential threat couples face is LIFE itself. But if you haven't been bitten in the face by a bear before, you will not appreciate how bad it is to loose ones identity. But on a happy happier note, if my heart is broken a million times, I will still love again There are good women out there. Its just a matter of time. Telling your story to defend yourself is a waste of time... At the appointed time the truth will unleash itself but not through me.

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Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 7:18pm On May 12, 2020
linnyx:


I understand where you're coming from. But for the sake of your child a handful of people need to know your own side of the story. You wife doesn't have to be there when you tell your side.

Please do this so they don't all agree with her and turn your child against you in the future because you're trying to be a gentleman. I've seen this cause a lot of problems or some people like you. They never had the relationship they sought with their children. At the time the truth eventually came to light it was too late to have the relationship. All these because nobody heard their own side of the story.


Life is strange... Turning my child against me is not an an issue for me. What I do believe is that any act of betrayal will always repeat itself no matter how hidden it might. I have seen it and I know it. The truth is that, even if my child does not see me as father in the future... I will die a happy man knowing that I had the strength to walk away.

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Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 9:43am On May 12, 2020
Cuddlebugie:
So, the moral of the story is, well, according to you "On a bad day the best husbands are MONSTERS, while the best wives are DEVILS"

Thanks for the pep talk. undecided

Yes... Assessment must fair because its takes two to tango. You will never really know the truth of the matter. I know better now.

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Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 9:32am On May 12, 2020
linnyx:
Well, this is your own side of the story. All the same I commend you for being patient even in the midst of violent provocation - it only takes a true martial artist to restrain from hitting back.

One word of advice thought: if truly your hand is clean then you should explain to her parents and your parents what went wrong. You owe them and yourself that. For posterity sake; somebody needs to know what went down. It is important you do that. I know what I'm saying.

All the best


She will one day tell her parents herself. Her parents have sought for an amicable solution and meetings are being called. I have not doubt in my mind that I have moved on. I still have good relationship with her family because of my child..

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Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 9:27am On May 12, 2020
Vyolet:

I saw the kids part too but I thought I didn't read well.


Type error.. No... its one child...

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Family / Re: I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 8:39am On May 12, 2020
seunlayi:
marriage is cool, interesting and a blessing, it depends on our choice.

@Op, sorry that it took you too long to understand your proud wife, I thank God for helping you out of it all. Take care of your child and move on. As for your wife (if I were you) that is the end. I can bear 1000 men with evidence of sleeping with my wife before I met her than just one man that slept with her after I married her.
Take care of your new job, relax from your former relationship before starting another


Thank you...

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Family / I Was A Husband: My Experience by tunmiluabi: 7:22am On May 12, 2020
My story is quite long, please run through with patience.

I married my wife about 11 years ago. By the way I am 46 years old. Before I married my wife, I was not doing well neither was my wife. She was working with a multinational company, earning an equivalent of N40,000. I had a small graphic design business after trying many times to find a good job. I looked for jobs and contracts without any respite. But At this this time, my wife's support was good and I did appreciate every bit of it. At lest we survived on the low...

As time went on, I got a job in one international corporate training company as a Statistics and Business Analysis Instructor, was earning about 90,000 naira. During the times before I got my job, we had accumulated debt and my new job provided us an opportunity to pay them up.

We decided we were going to save part of her salary every month for servicing the debt and save the rest for a rainy day. I was supposed to pay the rent and all other domestic bills, light, kids school fees etc.. Some time she helped with food/groceries. After sometime, she advised we move to a bigger apartment. We still had a daughter by then. I obliged and we did.

To cut the story short, after four years of working, the company folded up because of government policies and we were all laid off. This meant we had to prepare for the hard life ahead. It was hectic and devastating. Me being me, I took it with all sense of grace and hope things will be fine. But the more I thought about this the worse things got. One day out of curiosity I asked my wife if it would be nice to have another child and she advised it was not the best time. I understood and agreed. I then advised my wife if we could start a business and with some savings we had, maybe I could use it to enhance my former business, maybe things might be better this time. She did not show any interest. This time I discovered changes in my wife.

One day she asked me if she could use part of them money to do a course, honestly I was shocked but asked why she did not oblige to my own request. She said "its my money I can use it for whatever I want". My wife however did the course.

To cut the story short, 3 years down the line, my wife stopped having sex with me and this continued for a long time. I became like "shit in her eyes". I lost a bit of confidence though. she would wake me with insults and barrage of dirty words. Because of our child, I agreed to stay a home and try to work online and seek clients and jobs from old client. It was not bad but not promising.

Fortunately for us, my wife got a promotion and her salary was increased to about 170,000. This actually brought out the worst in my wife. Her calmness disappeared and all decorum was buried. We would quarrel everyday and not talk for weeks. She became really mean and controlled everything at home. Please note, she is not a bad woman but can't explain the reasons up till date. I was with no option but to query her sincerity as a wife and that continued for a long time. Our sex life became zero, she would tell me having sex would make her pregnant and was not ready for a second child. Her stories kept on changing and became even worse, rather than coming home she would pass by her mom and be there till late in the night before coming home.

After about 3 years of trying to get something to do, I finally got a place on the island sometime in February 2018, where I would be paid a stipend of 50,000. In addition, I would use my free time to design, print and sell business cards to small companies. The overall income was small but enough for some immediate obligations at home. But to be fair, that was the best I could get since I have not had money in a long time. Unfortunately my wages were not consistent due to challenges the company was facing. But I used the Business card printing to augment wherever possible.

Later in 2018 around September, I discovered that my wife had been having an illicit engagement. She had a male fried and I finally got to know about it and confronted her. She did not deny it, she begged and I forgave her. Anyway, I had made up my mind to forgive because of the kid and I never told anyone till date. Moreover, since we were not making love that was of course enough reason for the drastic measure, I told myself. To be sincere I had lost feeling for my wife and sex was difficult. We finally started having sex but I had little to offer her. I would pretend and even have to watch Indecency to be able to have sex with her. I was dead inside. At least my wife was still with me. That was my solace. I guess trust was broken. She however continued with her escapades. The quarrels increased and got worse. There and then name calling became our breakfast and dinner. She advised that since I would never look at her the same and bringing little or nothing to the table that I was free to go. The quarrels went on for quite some time, my wife will go very violent on me some of the times. I am marshal artist with black belt and I have great restraint - for me, fighting and going violent on her was never on the table. One day I thought there was a need to move out and I did indicated to her that I was not comfortable living with her anymore.. That wherever I am, I will see how I can take care of the kids.

She did not care and things became difficult for me. I felt maybe I could stay for sometime, It might be a difficult condition but still not impossible. This became my Achilles heels. There and then I knew my relationship had broken and irreparable. I accepted there was nothing I could, but to be patient and tried to convince myself about our situations and believed our situation was bad, but God’s willing we would overcome. The fight even got worse and became very violent and physical, I would normally just take the beating or hold her hands to avoid any injuries.

The quarrels was beginning to be in the glare of my Kids and since it was not abating, there was little I could do to change the situation. I finally made up my mind on the 19th of May 2019 to move out, but actually moved out on the 30th of May, 2019. Before then on the 26th of May, 2019, I discovered my wife was again engaging in the illicit affair. She would claim she was going to church only to be found at a different location. Honestly I can’t blame her, I blame myself and the situation that caused the demise of our once cherished marriage. At this point in time I realised I had lost and had no fight in me anymore. My kids are still very young. Everyday quarrels, lack of sincere engagement, denials upon denials and her fear of facing her “DEMON” with little chance of her understanding the consequence of her actions - I was left with no choice but to stop FIGHTING. I had no fight left in me. The ultimate decision was to leave. I did not inform her parent about the issue because I had indicated to her I did not want them to look at her differently.

God so good, I got a 500,000 Naira job through a friend in an oil company with a 3bedroon in Lekki fully paid up for 3years by the company. By the way, I am Data Analyst but never practiced for a long time. I studied Computer engineering but for a long time grace did not smile on me. I take care of my kid and I really don't hate her and I am at peace with everything. She still has her job and doing well.

Please note that she did not tell me to leave, I left on my own volition. I could not share the same bed with my wife anymore she apparently could not muster enough strength to stop all iniquities for a conversation that will help see things through. Rather she is turning to blame it on me. We have however resolved to part on a friendly note for the sake of our child.

My reason for posting this is because most us sit behind the desk and computers and do not understood the demons everyone is battling. On a bad day, the best husbands are MONSTER, while the best wives are DEVILS. When we make judgment as males or female. We should not forget about our female child/children, same goes for the male child. I don't know what my wife tells people about what happened but I really don't care and I have made up my mind never to defend myself.

Thanks for reading.

Tunmi

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