Please read and constructively criticise a drama series i write on Nigeria
This is a satirical comedy on Nigerian leaders, dead and
living.
The Jonathan administration has organized a conference of all
Nigerian leaders, top businessmen, politicians, lawmakers,
religious leaders, lawyers, activist, musicians, writers,
militants and terrorists etc to discuss the Nigerian state. The
meeting involves both the living who are physically present and
the dead who contribute via video chat from the hereafter.
SPEAKER; (clears throat) Good morning ladies and
gentlemen, in line with the Jonathan administrations puest
UTOMI: did you say quest, crest or pest?
SPEAKER: I said (spells out) q u e s t! Quest! Dan Allah, do not
interrupt or I have you thrown out. Thank you. As I was
saying, in line with the quest for national integration,
accelerated development and running an all inclusive
government, our elected President (loud murmur from the
audience), our president, has convened this meeting. After so
much persuasions, pleas, cajoling, propaganda, threats and
oiling of some hands, all our national leaders, past and present
have agreed to participate. This conference is also achieving
another first, all our dead heroes would be joining us, live, via
live video chat provided by babangida’s network, sorry, I mean
adenuga’s network. Any question so far? Yes, sanusi, you
first.
SANUSI: Mr. Speaker, my point is, it is estimated that this
project will cost Nigerian people about 25percent of the
national.... (Cut short)
SPEAKER: (angrily) I said any question, not any objections!!!
Can’t you hear English? If you are concerned about cost why
are you here? Besides you are free to leave but refund the
cost of your breakfast, 250 thousand naira. (Loud murmur
from audience). I said don’t interrupt! I will have you all thrown
out! Who said its expensive? It’s far cheaper than what Mrs.
Oteh pays breakfast, did you crucify her? Any other
question? Yes, Oshiomole.
OSHIOMOLE: my question is why are there no common men
here?
SPEAKER; Did you not hear? I said national leaders! If you so
want the masses here, go and give your ticket to your driver,
abi. Is Aregbesola not here? Till I bring shoemaker? Any other
question? Yes, Babangida!
Babangida stands up and remains quiet
SPEAKER: yes, ask your.....
ANIKULAPO: (cuts in) Zombie oo! Zombie! Zombie no go talk
except you......
SPEAKER: Fela!!! You can’t afford to pay back our plate of
food; else I will have you sent out! Yes, General, ask your
question.
BABANGIDA: Thank you Mr. Speaker, can I proceed?
ANIKULAPO: (shouts) Zombie ooo!
SPEAKER: Abami eda! You have not changed! Please precede,
General.
BABANGIDA: Thank you, speaker. My question is, where is
my old friend MKO Abiola? I have not seen him.
KUDIRAT: (angrily) Why? You want to kill him again?
BABANGIDA: No, madam, I need his support for my
presidential ambition.
SPEAKER: Enough! Please refrain from discussions that are
outside the mandate of this topic. That will be all in the
question and answer segment! Are you deaf? Ribadu, Falana
and Okotie put down your hands! baa turenchi? No more
questions I said! Now, I will allow a delegate from each ethnic
group to briefly address us. Pleas welcome Chief Obasanjo
from the Yoruba
(Obasanjo rises and walks to the podium amidst applause)
ANIKULAPO: (shouts) International thief thief! ITT!
International thief thief! International rogue! Internat....
OBASANJO: (clears throat) I want to thank our President,
Dr Ebele Tinuomi Jonathan for conveying this meeting to....
(turns to the speaker standing beside him) jo, pronounce this
word for me
SPEAKER: broker, to broker
OBASANJO: yes, to broker a suitable (clears throat). abeg,
forget this paper. these young men and there many grammer.
You are all welcome to this meeting. I hope we will submit our
prides and ethnic strong feelings and make decisions that will
help Nigeria. Please lets make sure we find solution to
corruption as it is a killing our nation. Ibori! Ok, he is still in jail, I
forget. As to the election rigging wahala, I have already told
the president, hiring Jesus will not solve it, not to talk of Jega.
those ACN boys can rig an election between three people!
Anyway, you are all welcme. Are boko haram representatives
here? they are! I will be leaving for an ayeye soon anyway,
thank you.
SPEAKER: thank you, cheif. let me draw your attention ladies
and gentlemen to the fact that the yoruba race are still as
divided as they are since the days of Awolowo. Therefore,
welcome the Asiwaju, also leading some yoruba delegates
(Asiwaju walks to the podium carrying two large broomsticks)
ASIWAJU: I have only this to say; justice to the people! We all
know those that rig. (shakes the brooms and leaves the
podium)
SPEAKER: (shakes head) waste of slot! anyway, thank you
asiwaju for conserving time. Now welcome General Buhari
from the northern region.
(Buhari moves to the podium)
BUHARI: ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you all for
coming together to salivate, sorry, I mean salvage our beloved
Nigeria. when I look at the Nigerian state, am moved to tears
(begins to shed tears and wipes face). And though I have been
persistently denied the opportunity to do this, I still believe I
will get there and do it. let me warn the government that a
repeat of what obtains in previous elections will lead to
violence. Most importantly, the Yanmirins should stay off Aso
rock race in 2015! Nagode.
ANIKULAPO; Sorrow, tears and blood, them regular trade.....
SPEAKER: thank you General Buhari. Now Ojukwu would be
addressing us via live video chat by our own indigenous
network
OJUKWU: Igbo kwenu!........
GOWON: (cuts in) always the divisionist! One Nation, Ojukwu,
One Nation!
OJUKWU: (angrily) over my dead body! One nation? Over my
dead body......
ANIKULAPO: (laughs) you are dead already!
OJUKWU: On behalf of the Igbo nation, I welcome you all to
this illeg....(screen goes blank)
SPEAKER: sorry for the break in network service,
engineers, thank you for the network break. He was talking
out of context. ladies and gentleman, our other national leaders
like Awolowo, Azikwe, Balewa, Bello,Murtala, Abiola would be
joining us shortly via......
OBASANJO: (cuts in) Rara ooo! Oku o ki n ba alaye rojo! why
will the dead consult with the living?
SPEAKER: but sir, we already mentioned that they would be
joining to offer insights on Nigeria issues
OBASANJO: Iro se! oo to be! when you were saying it, I
thought it would not work, afterall it is Nigerian network! Now
I just saw that omo ibo on the screen, I know you mean
business! So bringing Boko Haram is not enough? Oku! Oku! Am
leaving,Kia kia, am leaving! (makes to leave)
SPEAKER: sir, am sure we can reach an ......
OBASANJO: are you deaf, mo ni mo n lo ile! am going home!
SPEAKER: ok, if you say so. howevever, let me inform you
ladies and gentlemen, that the jet that would be conveying
Chief back is the first made in Nigeria aeroplane and this would
be its first flight as a mark of honour on Chief
OBASANJO: (shocked) Ehn! Ehn! Ehn! Kilowi! you say? made in
Nigeria jet? ta lo she? who build am? who e go carry? emi?
me? rara oo! never!
SPEAKER: but sir, its of even higher standard than what is
obtained in other contries
OBASANJO: exactly! higher standard, like our corruption! its
because of the higher standard I wont enter! Infact, mi o lomo! I
think on second thought, I would rather stay here and
contribute to Nigeria. I no dey go
SPEAKER: Chief, you sure sir?
OBASANJO: what is your own? I say I no dey go again! na by
force? (shouts) Iyabo! Iyabo! bring me my bible, make I dey read
Psalm 91!
(to be continued)