AlphikkaTech:
I agree with you that they are not 100% efficient but the good ones like the one above can be up to 70% efficient. We have seen it time and time again transform poorly written works into glowing profession write-ups.

I'm sorry, but you need to go easy on the hyperbole. No grammar checker anywhere can do that. Note that the more errors a grammar checker spots the more wrong suggestions it tends to make, which creates a problem for a non-professional. I have used a few of the best ones and I know. I actually tried to register for this one yesterday to try it out but it seems they won't let me even try it out unless I pay money first.

An "editing" software is not an alternative to professional editing at all. The good ones will not spot up to 40% of basic grammatical errors. Never mind complex errors. Their real pitfall for someone who's average or below average in the language is that they make a lot of wrong suggestions which the writer might adopt in error. They are a bonus if you know what you are doing, but they do not replace an editor. Serious writers should always hire a professional editor.

LarrySun:
It's not yet published in hard copy.

I know. Published online is good enough. I just wanted to be sure it's still published on Okadabooks so that there's something to list for publisher.

Sending the email. But I hope it's still published because only published works are reviewed for AllWrite.

LarrySun:
This is a haven for critic. Writeditor, you should post the link of the story to those who may want to read the story.

Before I give my reviews, too, I should go and finish the story first.

Nice innovation, OP.

Hello LarrySun

I have been looking to read The Brand of Cain and maybe review it since I read a blurb of it. I don't know if it's the tablet and the phone, but Okadabooks hasn't been working here. Is this book available elsewhere?

Next up is Gentlemen of the Bar, by Umari Aym

Ayim knows what she writes about and mostly gets the small things right—descriptions, sensory descriptions, sub-plots, places, names, pacing, street scenes. As the story gathers pace, the reader is transported from a gilded bedroom in Lagos to a sterile bush hut in Edo State, from a soulless courtroom in Kano to the brackish streets of Bariga in Lagos. You can feel the ambience and are at no loss as to time or the national mood at the time. The characters are well-developed and believable. Ayim knows them intimately and so does the reader as the story progresses.

The dialogues and internal monologues are mostly good and help to advance the story.They sound like real people talking real things in real situations; there is not much of the contrived dialogue or stilted aestheticising that often produces characters that sound like clowns rehearsing for a show and may spoil an otherwise good story. However, some of the events alluded to in the lives of the characters, a number of them historical, do not fit properly within the time frame assigned to them. . . .

Read the whole review here.

This is the hilarious story of a girl. I mean a lady. Most of it reads like entries in a diary. Ifeyinwa Anozie’s Diary of a Single Lagos Babe is a collection of events in the life of the narrator and her friends interspersed with lectures about relationship between men and women. The narrator and her friends are all ladies trying to get into a relationship with eligible men. The story is poorly edited and the punctuation should have been improved.

The narrator is a metropolitan corporate woman—albeit not a high-flying one. She is not financially self-sufficient but she is self-confident with a bright outlook on the future. A modern girl and would-be bon vivant, she loves the good life. But she has been “unlucky” with men when it comes to finding a permanent relationship and getting married. So she goes methodically about her business of landing a man. She knows what she wants, too—a man who is worthy in character, looks and pocket; that is, tall, dark and handsome and able to see to her pecuniary needs and treat her well.

I wake up one morning thinking to myself “What does a woman have to do to find a good man who can take care of my needs, financially and otherwise”, I am quite attractive with a great figure and also a good sense of humour.

As the story progresses, I fail to develop a liking or sympathy for the lady. This is not because of her scheming and ruthless manoeuvres or even double-dating, but because she has no qualms leading on a “short, fat, bald dude” she loathes just to get some cash out of him. So when things start to look up for her, you’re turning the page almost hoping to read her comeuppance. And you feel almost nothing as her general outlook transforms from optimism to nihilism.

This story is far from great literature but it is a frank take on the contemporary business of relationship, or a commodified version of it, from the viewpoint of a practitioner. If you need to know what goes on in the mind of “a single Lagos babe” who is on a manhunt, you should read this story. The man is both a prey and a predator. The lady is sufficiently motivated to be willing to do anything to get what she wants—she has enough going on in her head to push her but the hectoring parent is also there to keep her on her toes. “Time wasters” are on the prowl. Sex is expressed as a form of self-love. Money is everything. Mr Right is a tantalising mirage.

It is a jungle out there.

For more. . .

Open conflicts in Karo Oforofuo's Nake d Secret

A revenge mission with an intriguing twist—that is how I would describe Naked Secret, a long short story (you can call it a novella; the author breaks it into chapters and all) by Karo Oforofuo. It is not particularly well written and the storytelling and character development are far from stellar but if you like mystery—the sort Ruth Rendel wrote—you should find this story a good read.

Set somewhere in southern Nigeria, it is the story of two crime bosses locked in a fight to the death. In this fight, nothing is too dirty, so long as you win. So kidnapping, murder, neuropsychiatric brainwashing, etc., are routine. One is a hero to the poor, the sort they give a knighthood at the churches, while the other is the sort of villain that would make El Chapo blanch.

“No need to do it over and over again papa.” Vincent said. “Its best if we just kill him once and for all. You swine! You harassed the villagers, you made them prisoners in their own homes. You and your men raped their wives and daughters because you wanted them to give you more babies for your rituals. You’re the devil himself.”

“Are you done?” Emunaka asked, laughing. “You don’t even know what I have done to you. I dealt with you in the worst possible way. I have some revelations to share.”

While the twist in this story is intriguing, the author could have done a far better job of writing the story. One thing is the characters. Here we have a crime boss who doesn’t behave like one at all. Ok, we’re supposed to believe he isn’t really a bad person but he has a mansion full of secret chambers and escape routes and bodyguards and assorted firearms.

Karo Oforofuo

Thing is, he doesn’t behave like a crime boss. In fact, he doesn’t behave like a smart person at all. The family has intelligence that a strange girl is coming over to kill and destroy. Then a strange girl walks in the gate and she not only gets audience with him within 24 hours but she gets trusted with his life soon afterwards. Not even warnings from his own son and bodyguards would put him on the alert. And then the son starts flip-flopping from trusting her to not trusting her—for no good reasons. In fact, these people are so lax about their security that there are no secret cameras planted and no one tries to keep the intruder under watch.

This work shows poor editing. In fact, it would appear that basic proofreading was not done—much less professional editing—before someone hit the send button. The flaws are in a lot of places. We even see continuity problems, with Dafe in chapter eight morphing into Dayo in chapter nine. And it is as if a lot of writers are yet to get used to the presence of mobile phones and the social media with us. Far too many stories still read as if you are in 1970. Vincent makes a shocking discovery that has serious ramifications for the security of the household, especially his father. The source of the threat is meant to be back home with his father at that very moment. So does he whip out his mobile phone and call his father or the man’s chief bodyguard? No. He goes asking the villagers if they had seen a girl. But a few pages ahead someone calls someone on a mobile phone and we realise it’s a contemporary story.

I assure you, however, that reading this story is worth the time. It gets humdrum in some places but if you stay with it you get rewarded in the end and Oforofuo resolves most of the conflicts rather well. Read Naked Secret and form your own opinion.

For more. . .

I enjoyed reading Wewe, a long short story by Ifeoluwa Watson. Once I had a grasp of the plot direction, I decided I had come across a home video with a somewhat similar plot long before. But Watson retells the story well. No, she actually tells an entirely new story, as I found. This is a good read with sufficient originality, even to anyone who has previously come across a somewhat similar version of it as I had back in the day either in written form or in Nollywood.

Watson’s good writing skills show as she holds the reader spellbound with this dramatic story laced with vivid descriptions and metaphors. Almost everyone can identify with the characters as they get yanked off their comfort zones and try to make sense of new realities. Refreshingly, the author shows good mastery of the subjects she tackles, including surgery and psychiatry, even such exotic genres as hypnotism. There are some editorial issues in the book but they are thankfully few and minor.

Set in Ibadan, this award-winning love story is about two families. The matriarchs, two friends, both widows, both highly successful women, had match-made their children in the hope of bringing their families even closer and perpetuating their existing friendship. But things take a sudden downturn when Rotimi, the male of the pair, starts “seeing someone else”. Tanwa gets worried. But her apprehension gives way to devastation when she finds out who someone else is.

Tanwa’s face was set in a tight grimace. She tried to wrap her head around the incredulity of having a mad woman as a rival.

But more shock, revulsion and agony await the women as they waltz inexorably to a fated tragedy that ushers in existential relief for some in its wake.

Watson uses a lot of similes and metaphors. Like this one.

“So, will you follow me to the surgeon now? To have you matched?”
Rotimi waggled his head. Yeye went over the top. She popped full blast like a champagne cork.

And the story has gems, such as this.

As always, when problems surfaced, Yeye depended on her wealth. Who would sell their kidney to her?

That Watson has a good mastery of English is beyond question. Just a few punctuations here and there throughout the work, and you would say there are no editorial shortcomings here. There are a number of instances where a relative or subordinate clause is opened with a comma while the end is allowed to run on into the main clause. Here is just one.

Yeye Akinfenwa, one of the most renowned tycoons in Ibadan had promised to go all out for her daughter.

There are other types of misplacement of punctuation present in the work.

Watson writes well. I will definitely be reading more of her writing. You, too, should check it out.

For more. . .

Yes, you do need their permission.

Write to Microsoft.

Thanks, LarrySun.

We purchased the material on online. If you click on the link provided you will find the full review showing the publisher. It's also on mobilebookshelf.com. I believe it's also on NL posted by Simonhabby or some name like that but that might not be useful since it's incomplete.

We will be writing reviews on our blog and I will be posting some of them on this thread. Feel free to share your thoughts. Most of each review will be posted here but if you want to get the real feel of it with proper formatting and finishing, complete with publisher and name of reviewer, click on the link provided at the end of this post.
*

We start with Ola Adepegba’s Many Shockers for Miss Lucas.

If you enjoyed the James Hadley Chase novels, you will like Ola Adepegba’s Many Shockers for Miss Lucas. If you don’t know who Chase is, it’s okay to read on, but a good idea would be to check Google. Adepegba has Chase’s imagination, even if not the latter’s storytelling ability. His characters are intense, even if not well developed.

This long short story is written in the classical thriller tradition that employs suspense, tension, grit, fast pace and ruthlessness to drive the plot. I thoroughly enjoyed the page turner with its twists and turns and will recommend it to anyone looking for a good read for relaxation. The story is written in the third person omniscient POV so all the characters are followed in real time as they engage in a deadly play over “the VP’s money”.

Many Shockers for Miss Lucas is a new release of an earlier edition titled Sandra Lucas. It is the story of Sandra Lucas, a 25 year old lady who is on the search for a corporate job. Lucas has curves and isn’t one to cover them up so men ogle her wherever she turns up. However, Benson May was no idle ogler. When he waited for Lucas at her front door that morning and stared as she approached, he also had something for her. That something was a parcel which turned out to contain the ransom money of £550,000 paid to secure the release of the vice president’s daughter from her kidnappers.

From the moment Lucas finds the money, her life takes a sudden coruscating twist, and intrigues, blackmail and murder become routine.

Sandra thought deeply. Most of the members of the kidnapping mob had been killed by the police but their leader was still at large with the money. He must certainly be the one that put the money in the boxes and mailed it to one Sandra Luicers who knew best what to do with it.

She stared at the money again. Ten million rand in foreign currency mistakenly delivered to her. Should she report to the police? Should she return it to the courier agency that delivered it to her or should she run away with it? She was thinking about what to do when she heard a loud knock at her door.

Apart from Lucas, those who want the money include Jim Jackson, a retired bandit “with a natural flair for killing”; Harry Whyte, a printing press hand, who’s always on the lookout for opportunities to make big money and build a house and go to Harvard or Manchester for a professional course; and James Sydney, a gunslinger with the quickness of a snake. And the government in Pretoria, ably represented by the South African Police Service.

lucas

While I liked Many Shockers for Miss Lucas, I found the storytelling a bit disappointing. Maybe the story was advisedly kept short so it could suit a certain audience but what we end up with is a story that is so fast-paced that details, even essential ones, are left out. The descriptions of the characters are inchoate and backgrounds are missing where we could have used them.

There are improbable scenarios. An example is the scene where a character jumps out of a hotel room with a dozen police officers, eleven of them “with guns in their hands”, between him and the door, runs to his car, starts it and drives off.

I also think writers of fiction should be careful how they express blatant political views, especially those that are borderline racist. Here, Sydney speaks in his mind but it is the author’s voice that bongs through.

Sydney thought about all the evils the Asians were committing in the country, the Chinese, the Pakistanis, the Koreans, the Japanese, even the Indians, from selling fake products, to harbouring weapons and criminals, to drugs, yet the South Africans believed other Africans, north of Limpopo, were their problem and had accepted the Asians open handed.

It would have worked better if, perhaps, Sydney had expressed this view to someone who countered it. It is a huge irony that the statement is made by Sydney, a criminal who is an African from the north of Limpopo.

There are out of character scenes. An example is the place where a 25 year old lady carrying bales of money whose safety is uppermost in her mind is casually offered some juice by a total stranger who’s obviously no Catholic priest, as he’s carrying a gun. She is not depicted in the story as careless or unexposed – she went for a bank interview and passed well which suggests she is educated and smart – yet she accepts and promptly gulps the juice all down. These are some of the problems.

Although most of it is editorially above average by the standard of what one often sees around here, the editorial issues, ranging from punctuation to misuse of pronoun, are there. In the prologue, we have this.

But when they got to East Lane and Dickson asked him to pay, he realized he was dead. After examinations, the doctors said he had died since the previous night, meaning he had died even before he walked into Dickson’s taxi.

There is a fair amount of poorly constructed sentences like these.

After his tenure, the association couldn’t protect him anymore and he must face the consequences of his hard life. He therefore ran to Durban in KwaZulu Natal. When he realized that he wasn’t save in KZN he ran to Western Cape.

And here we have Sydney’s two statements, “I am a pro” and “I have a gun” placed in two paragraphs when they ought to be together:

“Are you a ghost?” she said to Sydney who was standing beside her.”
“Why?”
“That you could move that fast. I thought I left you in the car”
Sydney smiled. “I am a pro.”
“I have a gun.” he added

There are mix-up of words. For example, coaster is written when coastal is meant and split when spit is meant. The dialogue is generally okay but problematic in a few places.

The choice of names also doesn’t work for me, as it does not accurately reflect the society where the story is set but significant progress was made in the second edition. Maybe giving all the major characters European names is meant to appeal to Western readers. Now, that is hardly a clever way to approach the matter of appealing to Western readers.

Despite its flaws, Many Shockers for Miss Lucas is a good read and you won’t find a dull moment. Adepegba certainly has good imagination going for him, sufficient to become a great writer, if he works at it

For more. . .

This one was flowing well. Please come and continue, Mr Erhunmwunse

Good writing. I think it will be interesting to read your writing on a different topic.

You forgot to tell them what the N2000 is for.

You write good poetry. Hats off!

Good descriptive power. Your work isn't punctuated and you may want to learn more about that matter. But well done. A good read.

jnewton1997:
All rights reserved
FROZEN LOVE
Epilogue
The loud blaring of the alarm brought me alive, my eyes still dazed i peered at the time. The figures on my digital clock leapt at me with sudden furiousness, 10:am!!! My brain screamed i quickly jumped out of bed had a quick bath,changed into jeans and a top then my hand went automatically for then mirror on the table.my action was frozen in mid-air by an incoming call alert the name showing boldly DIAMOND, then it all came back. Fresh recollections of the love that was never to be........

This is my first post here, salute to all great writers and readers here, i really do need your support.

Work on the basics. Capitalise your I's and use commas and full stops where necessary. Put spaces after your commas and full stops. Capitalise the first word of new sentences. Work on it.