₦airaland Forum

SPIKED HAIR

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and and sat down next to him . He had spiked hair in different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared at him. The young man turned to him & said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

OOPS!!

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or

playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too

hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 195 kph (Remember, he's a German Pope.) "Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh dear God, I'm gunna lose my license – and my job!" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and ninety five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,” said the cop. The Chief exclaimed "All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief than asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger" Chief: "The Governor?" Cop "Bigger" Chief: "The President?" Cop: "Bigger" "Well," said the Chief "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" The Chief is even more puzzled and curious "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: " well . . . . "He's got the Pope as a Chauffeur!!!!"

Snazzydawn, you do scrape your head, do you?

Ladies who scrape their heads

Very stale! I have been using mig33 for almost a year now

Please Celtel users, I need the MMS settings for celtel. I have the gprs settings and I can surf the web anyday. Anybody with the MMS settings please?

Be creative. Try and compose one yourself.

yeah really funny

really funny

This little old lady in a nursing home raises her fist and says, "Whoever can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight." A little old man in the back of the room yells, "an elephant." She says, "Close enough."



A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night. 5% said it was to get a glass of water 12% said it was to go the toilet 83% said it was to go home



My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will makeyou happy tonight!" He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.



The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsy," one child answers. "And this?" the teacher asks "A piggy," replies another youngster. "And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?" "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a Hot bastard!"


Q: What must a woman do when a man is running around in circles? A : Reload, adjust the scope, and carry on shooting.

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I will surely miss you".

After a long night of intimacy, a young guy rolled over and was looking around the bedroom when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" Asked the fella. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy. The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery!!"

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you. "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules, " And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff, "

Throw out all the non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them that is why you pay him. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably a few of your relatives to do the job. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Just never let your brain idle. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you your entire life is yourself (with the Lord beside you). Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. Cherish your health. If it is good -- preserve it. If it is unstable -- improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve -- get help. Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country , but not to guilt. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. And remember that life is not measured by the number of breaths we take , but by the moments that take our breath away!

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealth fully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father,remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized."Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dave, come in or stay out!'"

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

1. Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in. The CAA is not an option. I will win. 2. Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion. 3. Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem. 4. Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function) 5. Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. 6. Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator). , applies to engineers mainly. 7. Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always sex, cars, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask. 8. Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too. 9. Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't, and if you are feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly remember the name and recommend it to others. 10. Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? 11. Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest, like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do. 12. This has been a public service message for women to better understand the male

MARKETING 101


Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . . . "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign that now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

I guess the browsing has stopped altogether now. Dont really know what celtel is good for.

Whenever I try to download an application to my phone, I always get INSTALL ERROR as the response. Please what could be responsible? Though I can download tones, pics and vedios

None of the problem is beign solved at all. Who is the helper here please?

They now charge 10k per sec between 12 and 5 am

How can I get a dictionary and a complete Bible into my phone. My phone is Samsung D600E.

Good suggestion. Seun, please take note.

Do you know about 10 million people worldwide share your birthday?

I am hearing it on radio now too! Na wa for Nigeria o

I have about 50 gmail invites. Anyone interested?

Another twist to the Oyo state politics occured yesterday as strong indications emerged that the impeached governor may be re-instated back to office. This follows the rulling by an appeal court that his removal from office was unconstitutional. From all indication, it would not be a easy change-over as the strong man of ibadan politics and the political godfather of the present governor Ahlaji Lamidi Adedibu will see to it that it wont just happen. How do you view the politics of Oyo state? Wont there be another emergency rule soon in the state?