[b]The Jonathan “they” don’t know – by Jaafar Jaafar

“They” in this piece refers to all the liars, the scorecard-brandishing sophists, the subdued, appointed activists, the paid and overpaid, twisting, collective men of anger, the distracted, clueless leaders on Facebook, the guileless BBM-pinging lot of Nigeria, who seem to be in competition among themselves to muddle the affairs of their government.

Last weekend, the presidential spokesman Mr. Reuben Abati was in the news. He is still in the news. He will also be in the news.

As a dramatist, he acted just according to the president’s script. His, aside acting the stuntman, was to both edit – and dirty – what the president scribbled to him. In a plain language, what Abati often does was to add akamu into palm oil in order to increase its viscous quantity not quality.

While trying to defend their teetotalism, they end up behaving like drunkards. Does the following sentence really come from sober individual, a mind that did not guzzle bowls of kai-kai before taking the pen? I doubt.

The word “they,” he said in his latest piece, “refers to all the cynics, the pestle-wielding critics, the unrelenting, self-appointed activists, the idle and idling, twittering, collective children of anger, the distracted crowd of Facebook addicts, the BBM-pinging soap opera gossips of Nigeria, who seem to be in competition among themselves to pull down President Goodluck Jonathan.”

Are they glorifying the idleness of “idle and idling” Nigerians, for whom they failed to provide job opportunities? Are they unhappy that Nigerians are becoming social media savvy?

Sad enough, Abati ascribed himself a role even our goofing First Lady and Perm Sec in-situ Patience Jonathan does not, at least publicly, ascribe herself. The spokesman said he sees the president “up close and personal” everyday, as if it bears any relevance to the piece apart from its name-dropping effect. Sometimes I wonder why people have to open their mouth unnecessarily. Statements like “I have spent the last 14 months working with President Jonathan. I have followed him everywhere…” or “as one who sees him up close and personal each day…” or “well, I have enjoyed the privilege of eating at the President’s table” only show the emptiness of Abati’s recent messages. He seems to write to impress Nigerians, rather than to express government’s position on issues.

Before the clandestine appointment of Doyin Okupe as Senior Special Assistant to the president on Public Affairs, Abati has been silent on issues. It was really golden. Now that the once benign Rottweiler has suddenly grown teeth, he joins his vicious mate to go after the social media activists rather than the hardliners of the traditional media. Abati once tried his friend Dele Momodu, and he emerged bruised by the Ovation publisher’s heavy punches.


Though one can’t easily understand what really differentiates Abati and Okupe’s roles, it appears that they have the same role. As someone similarly posited, Abati’s role is to pour apu flour into Corn Flakes when there is no milk, while Okupe’s role is to pour salt into milk in the absence of sugar. It’s either that their perception on issues is hinged against this narrow prism or that they are deluding the president in order to save their necks.

Abati wants to tell us about the president we don’t know. He boasted he saw President Jonathan play squash and table tennis at State House squash court and Bayelsa Government House. And so, he knows him more than anybody else.

Now, Nigerians should tell us whether the clueless man they know can, in a squash court, play volley, trickle boast, dropshot, good length shot, mizuki, corkscrew or lob. These require some degree of agility, mental clue and stamina. Do you see these in the man they know? Or, do you see the mental ability in the president to loop, spin, smash, backswing or cork-spin while playing table tennis? With my about-two-decade break in playing table tennis, I see Abati’s principal as a pushover I can ‘cantab’ in the ping-pong game.


They say we don’t know him. But we know him. Hausa say that when a dog keeper is holding a party, the dog only got to know when it sees food on ground. So we will judge the president according to what we see on ground. Naught.

They don’t know we have a president that cannot fight corruption. A president who entangles Nigeria in a web of $45 billion debt despite taking the nation’s mantle of leadership in a solvent state. A man who was accused by former President Olusegun Obasanjo of mismanaging the foreign reserves to the tune of $35 billion.



A president who cannot get the country an Olympics medal despite spending billions in medal chase. A president who thinks 1,600 buses can transport 160 million Nigerians (in his calculation, each bus will carry 100,000 people!). A president who refused to reinstate Justice Salami despite the National Judicial Council, NJC’s recommendation. A president who orders a governor to appoint his wife permanent secretary. A president who increased the pump price in the name of subsidy removal but dined and wined with subsidy thieves in the name of “dialogue”. A president who reinstated the Director-General Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) despite her gross incompetence and public fury. A president who pays billions of dollars to militants but fails to pay the entitlements of NITEL and other government agencies’ workers.



When the president recently said he would assess his ministers based on their scorecard, I couldn’t help but laugh aloud. Jonathan should first fire himself and his kowtowing deputy, Mohammed Namadi Sambo before firing any member of the effete crowd that is Jonathan cabinet.



Ace Nigerian comedian, Klint The Drunk, recently tweeted that if a JAMB candidate applying for medicine scored only 65 points, then he is not fit to be a native doctor.

Going by Jonathan’s performance so far, I don’t think he is qualified to be the chairman of Okada riders’ union or chairman of Jigawa (not Ibadan) chapter of National Union of Road Transport Workers (NURTW). I am not undermining the president. I draw inference based on his scorecard, abi?

But this is Nigeria, a place where a motor park thug stands a better chance of holding a political office than a rocket scientist, nuclear physicist or a globally-regarded automobile designer. This is a country where qualified aspirants who despite their lofty ideas and articulation, will end up with a few votes at polls, while someone who can mainly differentiate between catfish and tilapia will get millions of votes. This is simply because the godfathers consider that a sound politician may not play to the gallery.


And a nincompoop will.

Jaafar Jaafar

Jafaar can be reached on: jafsmohd@yahoo.com

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The bolded above is a write-up i came across and feel it will be nice to share it with you guys.
Now let the comments start.