Kobojunkie: I am reminded of the story, in the Bible of the prophet, Hosea, whose wife was a harlot, and he waited on here hand and foot until she got tired of her harlotry, and yes, he was the one who went to get her back home, after so many years.

If all of you quoting bible and making claims that the woman by fixing herself fixed her husband, is it OK then to wish that God put you all in similar position, as he put that bible prophet, so that he will use you all, as an example to others out there(husbands who do not know how to handle their philandering wives)?

The kingdom is in need of people, more like prophet Hosea, to show others the way and since you all seem to know how it should work, what better way than to have you show by example what it is you mean. Can I get an Amen?

I was going to write something similar to this, asking whether the man will be silent and continue sleeping with the woman if she is the one that was cheating and bringing her boyfriends home to introduce to her family.
Men will NEVER do what the woman in the story did, they will just end the marriage very fast, yet the same hypocrite men come here to talk about how silence or ignoring is sometimes the best answer to a cheating partner.
Anyway different folks different strokes. Hope the man doesn't come home with crabs or herpes or any other disease that condoms don't protect against to infect the woman.
That is if this story is true.

Gaggi: All the women fighting their husbands because of cheating, pls what have they achieved? I doubt if any single woman who fights a cheating husband has succeeded in changing him?
Instead of all d cat and mouse wahala for house why not try this approach? if fighting nor solve am then u might as well call a truce and see if he will change.

that is exactly why the woman here has applied wisdom.
marriage is for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part.
there is nothing i fear more than those vows o....
if the woman choose to respect her vows, and find a solution that works then why not?

please there is a huge difference between boyfriend and husband.
if your boyfriend is cheating, dump his behind.
if your husband is cheating....that one na bad market
na to find way to benefit from the scenario be that.
untill Nigeria passes a law that makes cheating partners to pay during divorce proceedings
men will continue to misbehave.

and while they are misbehaving, fighting them has never and will never solve anything.

Kingsleyinfo(m): ... until Nigeria passes a law that makes cheating partners to pay during divorce proceedings huh huh
men will continue to misbehave...

And who gets to pass that kind of law?

Mad Cow:


Stories that Touch.. If juju no involve, man no fit stop to cheat!

u dey there?

freecocoa: And that would be?

I love the way you ask questions, you should try your hands at Journalism.

Now, to answer your question:

Conflict is a state of affairs that most people would normally avoid. Hence, most times we find ourselves in a conflict, we are actually in a state that we really don't want to be in.

If you agree with this first paragraph, I have a piece of advice for you: whenever, you're in conflict with someone especially one that you would rather be at peace with if you had your way, do the unexpected. For example, if the other person expects you to lash-out, be quiet and calm. If the person expects you to withdraw into your shell and grumble, open-up and speak your mind.

Your unexpected reaction to the action of your opponent will leave he/she confused thereby giving you the opportunity to resolve the conflict on your own terms if you wish or the chance to land a decisive blow (metaphorically speaking) should you seek to be ruthless (something I do not recommend).

Not that I didn't know this before but this thread helped me harmonise my thinking in this direction. This is one of the reasons I love Nairaland, it helps me think in a way I might not do if I wasn't on it.

blank: So, if i understand you, a woman that is being cheated on should just ignore it as long as na she be madam? That the husband will then tire of his philandeering ways and become the loving husband he once was? Okay.

lolz

fellis:
I was going to write something similar to this, asking whether the man will be silent and continue sleeping with the woman if she is the one that was cheating and bringing her boyfriends home to introduce to her family.
Men will NEVER do what the woman in the story did, they will just end the marriage very fast, yet the same hypocrite men come here to talk about how silence or ignoring is sometimes the best answer to a cheating partner.
Anyway different folks different strokes. Hope the man doesn't come home with crabs or herpes or any other disease that condoms don't protect against to infect the woman.
That is if this story is true.

Well double standards are a fact of life. Women are quick to drop a broke man that cannot provide for them but men are not quick to drop a broke woman that can't provide for them. So it goes both ways. Men cannot tolerate some things that women can, in the same way that women can't tolerate some things that men can...

Whoever told you assuming guys that the man actually 'STOPPED' cheating?

Genius100:

Well double standards are a fact of life. Women are quick to drop a broke man that cannot provide for them but men are not quick to drop a broke woman that can't provide for them.

Oh please.
The way women drop broke men is the same way men drop women for being physically unattractive/fat so I guess both sexes are even on the grounds of double standards in choosing a partner.
However, men are mostly guilty of employing double standards in marriage.

Kingsleyinfo:

that is exactly why the woman here has applied wisdom.
marriage is for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part.
there is nothing i fear more than those vows o....
if the woman choose to respect her vows, and find a solution that works then why not?

please there is a huge difference between boyfriend and husband.
if your boyfriend is cheating, dump his behind.
if your husband is cheating....that one na bad market
na to find way to benefit from the scenario be that.
untill Nigeria passes a law that makes cheating partners to pay during divorce proceedings
men will continue to misbehave.

and while they are misbehaving, fighting them has never and will never solve anything.

Well, may the Lord bless you with a wife like Hosea's (in the Bible) so you can be an example for all those men out there whose wives are philanderers. An example to women too.

Yes, no need talking. We need your kind to show by example how you can help change a philanderer by condoning em . . . God please bless @Kingsleyinfo a wife like Prophet Hosea so @Kingsleyinfo can be an example to others . . AMEN!!

fellis:
Oh please.
The way women drop broke men is the same way men drop women for being physically unattractive/fat so I guess both sexes are even on the grounds of double standards in choosing a partner.
However, men are mostly guilty of employing double standards in marriage.

It depends. Do you know that the majority of divorces in the western world are initiated by women? In most cases, it is because of financial reasons or some absurd feeling that they don't love the guy any more. Double standards are employed by both sexes... It's just a fact of life..

Genius100:

It depends. Do you know that the majority of divorces in the western world are initiated by women? In most cases, it is because of financial reasons or some absurd feeling that they don't love the guy any more. Double standards are employed by both sexes... It's just a fact of life..

@bold,
Is that so? Please show me the statistics that you read to get that wonderful piece of information.
While you are at it, you can also explain how filing for a divorce and serially cheating on your spouse/exposing them to STDs are on the same level.

fellis:
@bold,
Is that so? Please show me the statistics that you read to get that wonderful piece of information.
While you are at it, you can also explain how filing for a divorce and serially cheating on your spouse/exposing them to STDs are on the same level.

I never said they were on the same level. My main point here is that the fact the it is more acceptable for a man to cheat than a woman is one of those double standards that you will have to live with just like it is more acceptable for a woman to contribute little to no financial resources to the household as opposed to the man..

taryour: Very very nice.. I realy hope and pray that all of the women on this forum learn from this and for thoes going tru same with hubby learn that divorce isnt the way out. I wish every woman a very happy and fufilled home....

i pray it works.....gona share it wit my mum

Genius100:

I never said they were on the same level. My main point here is that the fact the it is more acceptable for a man to cheat than a woman is one of those double standards that you will have to live with just like it is more acceptable for a woman to contribute little to no financial resources to the household as opposed to the man..

I am not sure I understand you. Are you saying that men are given permission to cheat because women sometimes contribute little or no financial resources? Besides when a woman contributes little or no financial resources to the household, it is usually with the approval or after the suggestion of the husband and in such situations, the man usually makes enough money to take care of the family without needing the woman to work and assist so all is good in the end, nobody gets hurt. That cannot be compared to cheating where the man exposes the wife to STDs and destroys the unity and love in the marriage by directing his affection to another woman.

karpentar:

What does it matter if the man is a child or adult? Cheating has nothing to do with that. Stop this habit of calling cheating men "boys". They are not.orbiThey are men who COMPLETELY know what they are doing, ok.

Oh! They truly are still boys. If you watch children play, you'll notice that they are usually not content with 'one toy', but rather covet that of others. As they grow older, they are expected to do away with such habits, but some do not.
- Cheaters view women as toys
- they still haven't dropped the childish habit of strongly coveting what isn't theirs.

juleze:

Oh! They truly are still boys. If you watch children play, you'll notice that they are usually not content with 'one toy', but rather covet that of others. As they grow older, they are expected to do away with such habits, but some do not.
- Cheaters view women as toys
- they still haven't dropped the childish habit of strongly coveting what isn't theirs.

I think it is an insult to call them boys because boys don't necessarily act that way. There are kids out there who know right from wrong and know that when they hurt others they hurt themselves.

These are definitely men who, like the other said, know what they are doing, and are determined to do evil and get away with it somehow. That is why they marry and then continue in hopes that they can have the "I am married" badge whilst they are working girls on the side.

Society helps them get away with it by pretending they should not be held accountable or that they will eventually handle things on their own.

fellis:
I am not sure I understand you. Are you saying that men are given permission to cheat because women sometimes contribute little or no financial resources? Besides when a woman contributes little or no financial resources to the household, it is usually with the approval or after the suggestion of the husband and in such situations, the man usually makes enough money to take care of the family without needing the woman to work and assist so all is good in the end, nobody gets hurt. That cannot be compared to cheating where the man exposes the wife to STDs and destroys the unity and love in the marriage by directing his affection to another woman.

Yes, you do not understand me. Cheating is bad and should be avoided. But a married man cheating is considered by society to be less despicable that a married woman cheating. Yes, it is a double standard, but there are also good reasons for it. First, a man cannot get his girlfriend pregnant and claim the kid was fathered by his wife whereas a wife can be impregnated by a boyfriend and claim her husband is responsible for the pregnancy.

Second, in my experience, men can handle cheating better. The average man can chop and clean mouth, and continue to support his family and play his role in the household. For some men, cheating is almost a handshake with a woman. When the average woman starts to cheat, she also starts to actively disrupt her household because of the emotions the affairs elicit. You start to hear things, like, I don't feel anything for my husband anymore etc..

My main point is that, yea, men get away more with cheating, but there are other areas where the double standard is in favor of women. One of those areas is finanical responsibility. It is more tolerated for a woman to be irresponsible and unable to contribute meaningfully to household's finances but it is barely tolerated for men in the Nigerian society.

So no need to lament that men get away with cheating unlike women, it's a fact of life and there are other areas where women can get away irresponsible acts that men can't.

I'm not sure women are really ready for the truth when it comes to men and cheating. One day, I will break it down for you all..

Aqva: A former female colleague of mine who's husband was a chronic womanizer told me how she changed him. The man's case was so bad that he would sometimes have his girl friend in the car when he goes to pick his wife and kids from church. She even moved out of the house a few times yet the man kept cheating.

I met her recently and she was cruising in this lovely Ranger rover Autobiography. She was looking so happy, this was a woman that was perpetually sad and was even begining to age. I had to ask her wussup? How oga and d kids? It was then she revealed to me that her hubby bought her this car and even now attends social functions with her. He is always at home now and most times takes her and the kids out for shopping, visiting, holidays etc.

I had to ask her the secret, that is when she told me hw she managed to finally change him by.

1. Ignoring him---she stopped complaining even when he doesn't come home for days.
2. She never denied him sex even with his cheating habit though she insisted on protection which the man always obliged.
3. She kept his room and clothes clean and always prepared his meals.

According to her, the husband called her one day and asked why she pretends not to notice his womanizing anymore. She told him that it doesn't bother her again as long as she is the one officially married to him. Few days later she started noticing a chane.

My reason for this narration is to encourage women who have husbands that are dogs to try out this method. S[b]ometimes men hate being challanged and may want to teach the wife a lesson. If itcan work for her it can work for others[/b].

Most men are not like that, don't give them false hope, if u were really a guy you would know most men won't change cos of this

Dog cant easily be changed as said. Dat it work for Mr A does not mean it'll work for Mr B. how do we now stop u women from Maniser?

Did i read somewhere on this thread that a woman not contributing financially to the family makes her irresponsible on the same level as cheating?

Someone is actually comparing a husband cheating and a wife not contributing to the family financially as the same, in his words "Irresponsible acts"

Wow Mr Genius100, you really are a genius.


@Maclatunji, I see your point and i must say, it makes some sense.

I guess i'll be changing career soon

Thank God for her life.

I think the lady stopping to nag the guy awoke his conscience that it isn't fair on the lady. Different things change different people and it is worth trying. One thing I know is that once one's conscience is pricked that some things are wrong, it is easier to do away with some bad habits.

Genius100:

Yes, you do not understand me. Cheating is bad and should be avoided. But a married man cheating is considered by society to be less despicable that a married woman cheating. Yes, it is a double standard, but there are also good reasons for it. First, a man cannot get his girlfriend pregnant and claim the kid was fathered by his wife whereas a wife can be impregnated by a boyfriend and claim her husband is responsible for the pregnancy.

do you mean that men handle cheating better because women claim that their lovers' children are fathered by their husbands and men cannot do the same thing? That hardly makes men better at handling cheating. If you want to bring children into the matter, you should also consider the fact that men who cheat sometimes end up having different children with different women outside his matrimonial home and the resultant effect of this is that these children are brought up by single mothers, in a less than ideal family setting without having the opportunity to grow up with a father figure in their lives or the man might decide to marry the lover and expose his family to all the dangers and ills associated with polygamous families (rivalry, low self esteem in less favored wife, etc).

Genius100:

Second, in my experience, men can handle cheating better. The average man can chop and clean mouth, and continue to support his family and play his role in the household. For some men, cheating is almost a handshake with a woman. When the average woman starts to cheat, she also starts to actively disrupt her household because of the emotions the affairs elicit. You start to hear things, like, I don't feel anything for my husband anymore etc..

lol. I don't know why men are fond of assuming that women cannot cheat without getting emotionally attached. That point of view is invalid. It is possible for women to chop and clean mouth just the way it is possible for men to get emotionally attached to their lovers.

Genius100:

My main point is that, yea, men get away more with cheating, but there are other areas where the double standard is in favor of women. One of those areas is finanical responsibility. It is more tolerated for a woman to be irresponsible and unable to contribute meaningfully to household's finances but it is barely tolerated for men in the Nigerian society.

Why will lackadaisical attitude towards providing finance be tolerated from the man? What else is he doing in the house? Is he the one carrying and bearing children or cooking and cleaning? Women can be pardoned for not providing any type of financial support in the house because they already have the responsibility of running the home front and taking care of children. What else will the man be doing if he is not providing finance for his family?

A Range Rover jeep or HIV/AIDS...whichever comes first!

Only prayers can change a man dat cheats. Dere is more to it dat she did not tell u

Vincent 4:

i pray it works.....gona share it wit my mum

I'm sorry if ur mum is going through this too. The advantage of keeping quiet is that ur BP doesn't get high and u dont die before ur time. The truth is that no woman has ever changed a cheating man by fighting him.

Kobojunkie:

Well, may the Lord bless you with a wife like Hosea's (in the Bible) so you can be an example for all those men out there whose wives are philanderers. An example to women too.

Yes, no need talking. We need your kind to show by example how you can help change a philanderer by condoning em . . . God please bless @Kingsleyinfo a wife like Prophet Hosea so @Kingsleyinfo can be an example to others . . AMEN!!

i wonder where you are coming from and where you are going to with this,

maybe you should go read the story again,
the woman in the story found a solution that worked for her,

and go read the bible again, God specifically told hosea to go marry a harlot,
Hosea was a prophet who heared from his master, and he obeyed.

God does not bless people with husbands and wives they cannot handle,
ever since your forefather ADAM complained about the wife that God gave to him, he God simply
gave a commandment, He that findeth a wife findeth a Good thing and obtaineth favour from the Lord

it is your perogative in doing the finding and and God's duty in granting you favor according to your find.
so stop twisting the bible and get real.

that said,
i am a realist and i don't live in your kid's fantasy world, where objectivity doesn't play a part.
marriage is an institution, with so many challenges
and Nigeria is a unique country with a different view on the institution called marriage.
from my post you can deduce that i do not support cheating,
(thats why i said if your boyfriend is cheating on you quickly dump him)
but sadly majority of women i have come across never seem to grow enough balls to dump a cheating partner
they keep forgiving him untill it gets into marriage, and then thats when they want out
why didn't you run when you had the chance?

as far as this story goes, we are talking about a solution
and the solution applies to dealing with men, and if you have any idea about that,
you would also understand that men and women are wired differently.

thats why the bible says,
women respect your husbands because thats what most men value.
and men love your wives, (despite all their tantrums, nagging and wahala )

for all those trying very hard to fault the woman's solution to her problem, which
might actually work for ya'll if only you would give it a try
please can you kindly give an alternate solution to what the woman did, that could bring back happiness to her life?

and finally back to you @kobojunkie
i would not tolerate/be patient with a philandering wife for any reason,
because i would not find myself in such a scenario in the first place.
i am trying to wonder how a promiscuous lady will manage to deceive me to the point of marriage (not even if she is pregnant with triplets for me)
that one go hard o

on the other hand if i find out that my wife and the mother of my kids cheated on me,
what will happen next will depend on a whole lot of other factors than the cheating itself.

Gaggi:

I'm sorry if ur mum is going through this too. The advantage of keeping quiet is that ur BP doesn't get high and u dont die before ur time. The truth is that no woman has ever changed a cheating man by fighting him.

that is exactly my point.
i am yet to hear that a woman became more happy after she fought with her cheating partner
the reverse is usually the case,

i don't know why people aren't seeing the wisdom in what the woman did,
and the op didn't exactly say it is a definite solution,
she said maybe ladies could try that approach

Very Cool

fellis:
do you mean that men handle cheating better because women claim that their lovers' children are fathered by their husbands and men cannot do the same thing? That hardly makes men better at handling cheating. If you want to bring children into the matter, you should also consider the fact that men who cheat sometimes end up having different children with different women outside his matrimonial home and the resultant effect of this is that these children are brought up by single mothers, in a less than ideal family setting without having the opportunity to grow up with a father figure in their lives or the man might decide to marry the lover and expose his family to all the dangers and ills associated with polygamous families (rivalry, low self esteem in less favored wife, etc).

lol. I don't know why men are fond of assuming that women cannot cheat without getting emotionally attached. That point of view is invalid. It is possible for women to chop and clean mouth just the way it is possible for men to get emotionally attached to their lovers.

Why will lackadaisical attitude towards providing finance be tolerated from the man? What else is he doing in the house? Is he the one carrying and bearing children or cooking and cleaning? Women can be pardoned for not providing any type of financial support in the house because they already have the responsibility of running the home front and taking care of children. What else will the man be doing if he is not providing finance for his family?

@ fellis: Please try to deeply understand what he is saying. take time to digest it. He just spoke with a lot of depth. There are families that run against the societal standards and they do fine. Cheating is wrong and should be condemned. But the fact still remains that the society has a standard expected of you based on gender as well as passes for misconduct. It is like an unwritten law culled from the way a particular society evolved. I disagree with ur statement that ladies can chop and clean mouth unless you talk about one-night stands. But cheating with a particular person repeatedly for a woman needs a degree of connection while a man can easily "compartmentalize" their emotions. Woe betides the marriage of a woman whose husband is really in love with another woman.