This comment on a certain thread and my own questions of what is and what should not be births this thread..

she should say what she is needs to say and not
more than necessary. She is also not obliged
to say a word.

It was a response to how much one should tell a potential husband/wife.
We all have our pasts and have made series of mistakes but it sucks when they are used to judge us and a determinant of who gets to be in the future.
Although,i have my own opinions which is not leaving any part of one's past/hiding anything from a potential partner no matter how inconsequential it is....but i have also seen situations where one tells all and the guy/girl takes to his/her heels or its used against them in the most unpalatable ways.
.
I have a friend who had had about 3 abortions in school.She dated this guy and told him the truth to the letter.There was nothing he didn't call her and he went to lengths to slander her all over the place before he left.
Now,she's about getting married to some other guy and she has sworn not to tell him anything!
.
Another married friend with two kids now had a similar experience so she just didn't tell her husband anything about her previous abortion and they are happy together till date.
.
Now,this question goes to everyone married or not...
-How much do you think is too much to tell?
-When do you think its most appropriate to tell it all?
At the beginning of a relationship,before engagement or after engagement?
-What should or should not be left out?
To the married ones here,how much did you tell your spouse and when did you tell?

Honestly,I had a friend who told me everything about her past(a terrible past for that matter).
I just loved her for being so honest and frankly if I had to chose a wife,she will be number one on my list.Not that I would have loved to marry someone like that before we met(ofcourse I wanted someone with a clean slate just like mine),but the fact that she was honest enough to tell me.
Ofcourse, I'm 80% certain she will be honest in our marriage.
Ofcourse her past had it own consequences which I know of,I weighed my options and frankly I dont have a problem with the consequences,I'm willing to bear it with her.


So to answer your question,each partner should tell each other everything about their past early in the relationship(if he/she walks away,it's better,their is someone out there who will love you,no matter how terrible your past is)

There are certain things you should never tell a man.some truths need to be told diplomatically.

If you have skeletons in your cupboard its always best to give a "hint" early in the relationship But that should be after you've studied your partner and come out convinced that s/he is worth telling.be brief, exclude details as much as possible. Example : when asked of your uni days and you've been a player, an answer like "I'm not a saint, I was young and did things that I'm not proud of ignorantly. I dated the wrong men for the wrong reasons then but in all, I thank God I'm now wiser". A good man would understand and either stay or leave.

Be honest but be mindful of some "truths" that hurt more than lies.

Wisdom!

Due to the fact that telling your partner some of your dirty may end the relationship, some people will rather keep their mouth shut.

I feel that once you're married, you have to tell your spouse EVERYTHING.

I'll go with Ify on this; no matter how you luv your spouse, some things are better left unsaid

afam4eva: Due to the fact that telling your partner some of your dirty may end the relationship, some people will rather keep their mouth shut.

I feel that once you're married, you have to tell your spouse EVERYTHING.

Isn't that "deceit"?
How would you feel if you married someone and didn't get to know certain weighty truths until you sealed it?

If the subject is truly sorry for his/her past then there is nothing too much to tell. If u are secretive about it and it eventually boomerangs, what would be ur fate? The world is a very small world, if u think he would never know and he ends up knowing, what will u do? Have u also consider an extent a blackmailer can go. It is too risky a thing to do. Will u prefer to lose him/her now or 2days to wedding/2years after wedding? Would u allow him/her to decide now or live to distrust u after marriage? Seal ur fate, once and for all. If he leaves u, then all well and good; perhaps, that's the little pain u need to suffer too for ur error of the past. Timing and wisdom are also important in this, u may take time to pschoanalyse the person, use different analogies to convey ur message, use a third person pronoun instead of first and watch his reaction, seek for signs, ask him indirectly like what of if I had had abortions before, will u still go ahead with me? Don't just burst it, be wise about it. If eventually, he leaves, then look to God and be hopeful because there is definately somebody, somewhere that will love you, cherish you for who you are only.

As long as she is disease free and still has all her reproductive organs in place,i would rather have her keep the details and focus on our love and future.

I am not a virgin,so i wouldn't scold her or crucify her for her past.but i will not give her all the details of my previous relationships.

one of the ladies i dated in 2007 killed our love when she told me the " truth" in the name of "honesty".
She turned me off with her: " my ex had the biggest (vulgar word for male organ),and he was very muscular and respectful". He taught me how to (vulgar word for love making) because he was my first.

You guessed right,we parted ways .

Marriages are desigend for a lifetime, 50, 60, maybe 70 years. It's crazy not to be honest with someone from the very start.

For your friend who told the truth and had to endure the guy slandering and leaving her, fortunately for her that was her sign that he wasn't the one for her. Unfortunately for her, she had to learn that lesson in a painful way. I believe that sort of guy would have manifested that behaviour eventually for other reasons.

Honesty is the best policy, on the presumption that the person has truly changed. The right person for you will stay.

some things [like abortions for example] are pretty much routine these days, so i dont think a guy/girl should go into a relationship expecting the partner to NOT have a past.

it just doesnt work like that.

I don't think there is one right answer to this question. Everyone is different and while telling the whole truth may work for one person might not work for the other.

Personally opening up to your partner before you get married is important, not at the start because you are obviously still getting to know each other, serious issues like abortions, the number of sex partners one has had and like I read in a previous thread, facial reconstructive surgeries should be left for when your relationship has a solid base and ready to move forward to the next stage.

Anything involving physical health should be mentioned at the start. Genotype, inability to conceive or impregnate a woman, HIV should not be hidden because that is just wrong!

Having a damaged womb or being sterile and marrying someone that wants kids is wrong. Lying that you are a virgin when you are not is wrong. Matter of fact you have no business being with someone that wants certain requirements when you know that you don't have it. This is why you date, and get to know people. You should marry someone that will be accepting of you and whatever flaws may come with it. Outright deception on verifiable things are just wrong wrong wrong.looool.

chaircover: People have to be wise. Not everyone can deal with the truth and not everyone can deal with not being told the whole truth so you need to discern what & who to tell and what not to.

Having said that, things that you know that he/she is going to find out somehow anyday, then you have to tell your partner, things that you know will/can/are going to affect your future together, then you need to disclose it.

So if someone got their househelp pregnant when they were 16 and she had the baby or a lady had a botched abortion that damaged her reproductive organs, then this needs to be disclosed before the I do.

People however, have to be realistic in their expectations and to expect that a partner will have a past of some sort so some questions are not even worth asking.

you are correct

afam4eva: I feel that once you're married, you have to tell your spouse EVERYTHING.

[size=15]Willingly not telling certain important truths about you could nullify the validity of the marriage![/size]

https://www.nairaland.com/1086551/plastic-surgery-chinese-man-sues

If its in the past then leave it in the past.. If it is something that affects, or has a great chance of affecting the future and your relationship with your partner then it should be shared, but some stuff just shouldnt be shared.

I agree with ijebabe. this is subjective and cannot be generalized.we are all different in our actions and reactions to things.personally,I would like to be told all the secrets so I can make an informed decision.I won't find it funny if later in life,I get to discover one dirty secret hidden somewhere.your telling everything doesn't mean your partner is going to give you a hug and waive it aside.no.expect him or her to react in the most unexpected manner.if he/she stays,fine.if not,oh well,such is life.
this also brings to the fore another possible line of action.your today is your past,tomorrow.why don't you try to do things that won't bring you distress tomorrow.I mean we all know that we are screwing up exactly when we are.so whose fault is it if we get dissed tomorrow for it?
make we bleep but make e be within reason.

Ithink letting d cat out of the bag in a wrong time can be dissastrous and being too economical wt d truth may cacerous.
to evrything there is favourable time and if we can connect well with time we are bound to make right decission ahead of those we seldom regret.
just my thougt.

Every girl wants that secret of uni days be kept in the dark, what's in the past should not be left in the past. Na only una get past.
Meanwhile small hint of who u used to be to ur future husband may just save u some serious headache. Small hint I said not gory details of how u slept with 3 old men from benin

O thou sinner! Even in remorse, thine heart is still inclined unto lies!

The heart of Man! Smh

I think it's better to tell everything to lay a solid foundation for the relationship. If he or she truly loves you, they will stay despite your ugly past and if he or she goes, then there's no true love in the relationship.
That's the way i see it.

Omo forget oh, some things are better not said. Not every guy or girl can deal with ur ugly side.
First, you study d person very well..so u'll be able to know if he or she is d type to take it in good faith and move on, or if they're not the type. Don't just jump and start spewing all about your past! Question is does he/she tell u bout their own past too..i mean d really ugly ones..if yes..then i think u should too but after careful and wise consideration!

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really __̅_̅̅_̅̅̅g̲̣̣̣̥o̲̣̣̥ό̲̣̣̣̥̥̊ƌ̲̣̣̣̥♡̷̴̬̩̃̊ |"""\ /"""| to S̶̲̥̅̊
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all ur past to ur partner but if later in
Future ur partner mistakenly commit ά̲̣̣̣̥
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immorality, then, his/her past ŵȇ always come
Back I̶̲̥̅̊n̶̲̥̅̊ ur heart. Ïŧ makes U̶̲̥̅̊ thinks he/she hasn't changed A̶̲̥̅̊₪d̶̲̥̅̊ that çåñ break †ђξ relationship...

Truth is the essence of our existence on earth.
No matter how much we want to hide and lie, the truth will one day find us out and then the consequences would be worse.

Orikinla: Truth is the essence of our existence on earth.
No matter how much we want to hide and lie, the truth will one day find us out and then the consequences would be worse.

What if the relationship in question is another mistake in the making?

Truly now i believe the heart of man is truly wicked, when u are sterile u still want to marry a woman and yet do not dim it fit to tell her the thrut,and this certain woman will suffer 4 your misdeed. This is what a colleage of mine is about to do.

booqee: Omo forget oh, some things are better not said. Not every guy or girl can deal with ur ugly side.
First, you study d person very well..so u'll be able to know if he or she is d type to take it in good faith and move on, or if they're not the type. Don't just jump and start spewing all about your past! Question is does he/she tell u bout their own past too..i mean d really ugly ones..if yes..then i think u should too but after careful and wise consideration!

will u be happeir if u found out dat you are hiv+,2 months after the marraige.

Please see the story on this thread https://www.nairaland.com/1085611/quit-lying-intimate-past-does

But my general advise would be what most people today won't take anyway, and here goes :-

For ladies

If you are still young (like in your late teens), be decent, keep your legs closed. Just do it. All we guys are after is your woman hood to make us feel good with ourselves. We don't really care about you at that stage in life. We would use you and go brag about it to our friends later. If we did care, a girl who has slept with like 15, 20 or more guys in her 'playful' days shouldn't have any trouble getting a husband later. They should all be running after her, proposing marriage with the same sweet words they used when she was giving free. Guys are the biggest hypocrites in this regard, why because the inner man in every man actually wants a woman who has slept witha s few men as possible. YET we go about tryin to stick it every well rounded backside. TRUTH HURTS, DEAL WITH IT.

If you've lived a rough life in your past, UNLESS YOUR HUY SAYS HE DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW AND YOU KNOW THERE IS NO UNASSAILABLE EMBARRASMENT COMING LATER (from your past) LIKE A CHILD OUT OF WEDLOCK, YOU MUST TELL HIM ALL HE WANTS TO KNOW. THE EARLIER THE BETTER. Better not leave anything out. If you decide to have a NO tell policy, then do just that, BUT NO HALF TRUTHS. PLEASE. Half truths only add to the problem when discovered and believe a samrt guy will always discover them shortly. They call to question your 'changed status' and honesty-of-the-kind-fit-for-marriage.


GET RID of that thought that you can be a female player. There's no such thing. I don't care what cosmo and vogue tells you. Do i sound chauvinistic, well so be it. A player ALWAYS has bragging rights and respect, albeit foolishly, with his friends and sometimes even with other females. But a lady who opens it for every guy she fancies, HAS to do it in secrecy. She never goes about bragging about it (except maybe on anonymous forum like this), and even if she tells her female friends, sooner or latter such friends will still call her a slut behind her back. I ADDED THIS AST BIT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE STUCK IN THE 'TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL' ZONE IN THE FIRST PLACE.


FINALLY, i keep seeing posts on simillar topics which say a lady in a UNI who's less than 24 years of age still doesn't know what she wants yet, she's still a kid yada yada yada. SMH. Most of our moms had their first kids at or before that age, and both mother and kids turned out alright latter. the marriages also succeded. That you are a lady and in your early 20s, with Wiz-kid as your best artist and male role model, doesn't mean you should open it for any cute stud that asks.


TRUTH HURTS. You guys can insult o, I don't really care.

UmericanGirl: If its in the past then leave it in the past.. If it is something that affects, or has a great chance of affecting the future and your relationship with your partner then it should be shared, but some stuff just shouldnt be shared.

bad girl, always on the defensive.