Hello Everyone,

I have observed a trend in our society (Ok, it happens all over the world) where married couples who were so happy on their wedding day to the "shame" of haters, olofofos and bad-belles become the worst enemies a few years down the line. This has got me asking questions that I think we all need to answer by discussing at length, analyse the issues raised and make suggestions on how such incidences can be reduced and how strained relationships can be improved. I would like contributions from:

1. People whose marriage has turned "sour". Why do you think this happened? Did you love your spouse at the beginning? What could have happened to kill that love if you answered yes to the last question.

2. People who have gone through a lot of turbulence in their marriage but have managed to "survive the storm", how did you do it? What is your advice for other couples.

3. Single people: what do you think marriage should do for you? What are your expectations of your future spouse? For example, do you accept that marriage confines you to be only intimate with your wife or wives if you plan to be polygamous as a man? Or do you think you owe your future spouse(s) no such obligation? Do you let the person you intend to marry know this?

4. Would you rather stay single if you don't find someone that meets your exact specifications for marriage or would you reduce your expectations and marry someone who reasonably meets your expectations going by the popular notion that "no one is perfect". If you agree to "settle for less", are you sure you won't bear grudges when the other party begins to show traits that are not so endearing to you? In other words, do you think you can you handle such a situation without straining the marriage?

5. Marriage is a part of our social make-up as human beings. Are there things that we do as a society that contribute to the increasing rate of dysfunctional marriages? How can we stop such negative societal habits to reduce the rates of divorce and unhappy marriages?

6. I might have left out an angle from this submission that is germane to this topic. Feel free to bring-it-up if it will be beneficial.

Let us refrain from personal attacks on this thread. This is the beginning of a process that I think will be beneficial for all of those who are involved as contributors or readers. Let's try and make it work.

Family section Moderators and Supermoderators, your support in this regard would be appreciated.

Thank you.

You want to start anothewr fight abi

Ujujoan: You want to start anothewr fight abi

Absolutely not! This is meant to be a serious discussion.

Ujujoan: You want to start anothewr fight abi

Uju, Hey! How are u and where have u been?

@ Topic, don't u think this topic has been over flogged and it usually leads to e-fights?

Well, we never stop learning anyways, so we can as well learn from this as well.

Tgirl4real:

Uju, Hey! How are u and where have u been?

@ Topic, don't u think this topic has been over flogged and it usually leads to e-fights?

Well, we never stop learning anyways, so we can as well learn from this as well.

What I have seen happen most of the time is that some of the issues I raised emerge when people discuss individual cases, I am attempting to look at the issues wholistically.

As for insults. I say you're Moderator here, kindly moderate. We cannot continue to be afraid that people will act dysfunctionally and refrain from creating threads to discuss issues that we think are important. Those not interested truly need not comment. It is so simple.

Hmmn......
Thread sounds promising...
Brb!

Getting married is seen as an accompishment in this part of the world so it's normal to see a couple get along pre-wedding and during their wedding but things take the opposite turn when they're now face with the reality of being married which is an aversion from the pre-marraige fanfare. Marraige requires dedication and responsibility.

afam4eva: Getting married is seen as an accompishment in this part of the world so it's normal to see a couple get along pre-wedding and during their wedding but things take the opposite turn when they're now face with the reality of being married which is an aversion from the pre-marraige fanfare. Marraige requires dedication and responsibility.

It seems you're saying that we have the wrong notion of what marriage is as a society. Are there ways you think marriage can be seen "properly" by aspiring couples and the society at large?

I might just wanna give this a go . . .

maclatunji: Hello Everyone,
1. People whose marriage has turned "sour". Why do you think this happened? Did you love your spouse at the beginning? What could have happened to kill that love if you answered yes to the last question.

Well, several people with several reasons. But mostly, people don't get the true meaning of love. Some believe the feelings/emotions will sustain their marriage.

Secondly, people go into marriage for the wrong reason. The husband believes once he is married, the next thing is to relax, sleep and wake up while the wife labours away.

Some see marriage as dictatorship kind of thing. The husband is the boss, yes, but he doesn't need to always scream it down her throat.

Also, not understanding our roles cause a lot of friction in marriage. The woman needs to take the back seat, while the hubby leads. This is not to mean that she won't participate in the running of things.

2. People who have gone through a lot of turbulence in their marriage but have managed to "survive the storm", how did you do it? What is your advice for other couples?

I guess people in this category will address this. But, if I will chip in, I would say it takes the grace of God. Marriage requires a lot of patience, tolerance and understanding. And like I always say, it takes two to make it work. If one partner is bent on frustrating all effort at making it work, there isn't much that can be done than to trust God and try all your best to remain sane. I will never support an abusive marriage.

3. Single people: what do you think marriage should do for you? What are your expectations of your future spouse? For example, do you accept that marriage confines you to be only intimate with your wife or wives if you plan to be polygamous as a man? Or do you think you owe your future spouse(s) no such obligation? Do you let the person you intend to marry know this?

Yes o. U better discuss and understand what u are going into. Most people to settle these issues before they tie the knot.

4. Would you rather stay single if you don't find someone that meets your exact specifications for marriage or would you reduce your expectations and marry someone who reasonably meets your expectations going by the popular notion that "no one is perfect". If you agree to "settle for less", are you sure you won't bear grudges when the other party begins to show traits that are not so endearing to you? In other words, do you think you can you handle such a situation without straining the marriage?

If you don't find that person, please don't compromise. It brings problems in the future.

5. Marriage is a part of our social make-up as human beings. Are there things that we do as a society that contribute to the increasing rate of dysfunctional marriages. How can we stop such negative societal habits to reduce the rates of divorce and unhappy marriages?

I will say too much expectations, hypocrisy, insincerity, insecurity and greed contribute more to the problem we have on ground. Everyone should live according to their principles or the principles that guide them. Don't go into marriage for the wrong reasons, so when it fails u won't languish in self-pity. Shikena!


Sincerely, we have too much stress in the world already. Let's not add marriage stress to it. If you are not cut down for long time commitment, don't bother getting married. Once you are married, people just expect you to drop your life and turn into something else. I tell ya, this kills the marriage faster than anything else. Any choking relationship is unhealthy. In marriage, u should be able to be yourself. Live for real and allow yourselves breath.

maclatunji:

It seems you're saying that we have the wrong notion of what marriage is as a society. Are there ways you think marriage can be seen "properly" by aspiring couples and the society at large?

Marraige is a responsibility and therefore requires maturity. It's unfortunate that most people who go into marriage these days are going to it because everyone else is doing it and not necessarily because they're mature for it or know what it's all about. People always look forward to their wedding but ignore that after the wedding comes the marriage which is the KOKO.

afam4eva:
Marraige is a responsible and therefore requires maturity. It's unfortunate that most people who go into marriage these days are going to it because everyone else is doing it and not necessarily because they're mature for it or know what it's all about. People always look forward to their wedding but ignore that after the wedding comes the marriage which is the KOKO.

You are right. And maturity doesn't come with age.

Single people: what do you think
marriage should do for you?

I don't understand this question..

What are your
expectations of your future spouse? For
example, do you accept that marriage
confines you to be only intimate with your
wife or wives if you plan to be polygamous
as a man? Or do you think you owe your
future spouse(s) no such obligation? Do you
let the person you intend to marry know
this?

Whoever i end up with has to be someone that shares the same or almost the same values,beliefs and perceptions with me from all angles and i expect that it should be what guides the course of the marriage.Yes,i also accept that marriage confines me to be intimate with one person for the rest of my life and i would expect that my partner accepts the same against all odds.

Would you rather stay single if you don't
find someone that meets your exact
specifications for marriage

Yes,i would.My ideal specifications are not overboard or beyond the ordinary and possible so if i don't find that someone,i'd happily remain single.

or would you
reduce your expectations and marry
someone who reasonably meets your
expectations going by the popular notion
that "no one is perfect". If you agree to
"settle for less", are you sure you won't bear
grudges when the other party begins to
show traits that are not so endearing to
you? In other words, do you think you can
you handle such a situation without
straining the marriage?

Yes,no one is perfect and i have never sought out looking for a perfect person but some things are just too important to wave aside when it surrounds one who i plan to spend the rest of my life with.
I almost settled for less once but after some deep-thinking and soul-searching,i just knew inside that i would be frustrated and hate myself forever if i made that choice.
So,No. "settling for less" is not going to be an option!

afam4eva:
Marraige is a responsible and therefore requires maturity. It's unfortunate that most people who go into marriage these days are going to it because everyone else is doing it and not necessarily because they're mature for it or know what it's all about. People always look forward to their wedding but ignore that after the wedding comes the marriage which is the KOKO.

D bible says its nt gud 4 a man to be alone, We shd all aspire 2 get married,

The foundatn is d root cause of most crises in marriages, d bible says if d foundatn b destroyed what can a righteous do. Marriage cnt be on a deceit, cheating, lies & so on & u expect 2 excel. A marriage without christ is in crises. It is only d fear of God that can make marriage. Wife submit ur self unto ur husband, husband love ur wife. It is only when dis is inplace, that marriage can be succesful. so my advice marry in d Lord, it pays

bjcole: D bible says its nt gud 4 a man to be alone, We shd all aspire 2 get married,

Always support your argument with a proof=Bible

4 those having issues in marriage, i dont advocate divorce at all, i ve had so many issues in my marriage too, becos i didnt set d right foundatn & we wedded wit pregnancy & too many physical attraction & little or no spritual at all. She also has admitted dat we need work on our marriage spiritualy, which we r doing. So i tell people dont get divorced, u can make dat marriage to work, if only u r determined, lets nt copy d western world, theres is a failure as far as marriage is concerned.

bjcole: D bible says its nt gud 4 a man to be alone, We shd all aspire 2 get married,

That is not true. Just just mis-quoted and mis-interpreted scriptures.

Jesus and Paul actually said in the bible that it is better not to marry. 1 Corthians 7

I personally believe it is as impossible to find answers to "why some marriages don't work" as it is to "why are some people unhappy". Though I have no evidence to back it up, the more I learn about life, marriage and other things, the more I believe that people who are unable to make themselves happy alone will still be unable to be happy once married and that most people unhappy in their marriages would still be unhappy if they were to leave their partner.

Now, that sounds harsh, but when I see people unable to maintain healthy relationships with others (friends, family, workplace...) or unable to just [i]be [/i]happy, going into marriage, I don't have much hope for their marriage's future.

Some people will make the best out of their situation, no matter what and be able to find true happiness and contentment while other will spend their lives miserable most of the time... that's the way it is, marriage doesn't change a thing.

Nice topic!
A.) We ve said it b4 that marriage is for matured minds but unfortunately we see ppl dabble into it for some irrelivant reasons like

1. My parents need grandchildren and want me to marry(Parent Pleasers)

2. My mates are all getting married (The Imitators)

3. If I don't marry ppl will look down on me (society pleasers wanting to boost self worth)

4. It will ease off my financial problems (Mostly ladies but men too)

5. Looking for who to assist in domestic chores(Especially men who believe women to be their slave) SAD

B.) For the guys, we often say women pretend a lot but I say NO they are the easiest ppl to read BUT based on emotions, we tend to ignore some tell-tales in the relationship eg your spouse exhibits a particular habit which you know you don't like but instead of correcting the person you laugh at it hoping she/he will stop it on their own (believe me once you accept it in friendship it becomes difficult to change in marriage)

LETS BE OURSELVES
Don't go into marriage to please anyone not parents, not partner
DON'T TRY TO FIT INTO A SOCIETY WHEN U DON'T FEEL UP TO IT (The society will always ve its standard beware)
Pls MARRIAGE IS PARTNERSHIP DON'T PARASITE ON YOUR PARTNER, DON'T TURN THEM INTO SLAVES(they are not)
also MARRIAGE IS BTWN TWO PPL(PLS be mindful of the extra luggage in the name of family)

BEFORE MARRIAGE, Communicate with your partner about those minor things you are not comfortable with(It might get worse after)Songs Of Solomon "Remove the little foxes that destroy the vine"

AFTER MARRIAGE, avoid the "EX", keep third parties away, correct with love, BUDGET AND PLAN TOGETHER, in my marriage as well as marriage classes i ve handled so far, I ve seen that money is the highest killer in marriages(U might ve the money in excess yet its utilization bring trouble ALSO average or little and its management kills the marriage)

BEFORE AND AFTER, BE FAITHFUL TO YOUR PARTNER COS UNFAITHFULNESS CAN TURN GREAT EXPECTATION INTO GREAT REGRET!

@ We all not really addressing the OP's concern.

lecturerdabo: Nice topic!
A.) We ve said it b4 that marriage is for matured minds but unfortunately we see ppl dabble into it for some irrelivant reasons like

1. My parents need grandchildren and want me to marry(Parent Pleasers)

2. My mates are all getting married (The Imitators)

3. If I don't marry ppl will look down on me (society pleasers wanting to boost self worth)

4. It will ease off my financial problems (Mostly ladies but men too)

5. Looking for who to assist in domestic chores(Especially men who believe women to be their slave) SAD

B.) For the guys, we often say women pretend a lot but I say NO they are the easiest ppl to read BUT based on emotions, we tend to ignore some tell-tales in the relationship eg your spouse exhibits a particular habit which you know you don't like but instead of correcting the person you laugh at it hoping she/he will stop it on their own (believe me once you accept it in friendship it becomes difficult to change in marriage)

LETS BE OURSELVES
Don't go into marriage to please anyone not parents, not partner
DON'T TRY TO FIT INTO A SOCIETY WHEN U DON'T FEEL UP TO IT (The society will always ve its standard beware)
Pls MARRIAGE IS PARTNERSHIP DON'T PARASITE ON YOUR PARTNER, DON'T TURN THEM INTO SLAVES(they are not)
also MARRIAGE IS BTWN TWO PPL(PLS be mindful of the extra luggage in the name of family)

BEFORE MARRIAGE, Communicate with your partner about those minor things you are not comfortable with(It might get worse after)Songs Of Solomon "Remove the little foxes that destroy the vine"

AFTER MARRIAGE, avoid the "EX", keep third parties away, correct with love, BUDGET AND PLAN TOGETHER, in my marriage as well as marriage classes i ve handled so far, I ve seen that money is the highest killer in marriages(U might ve the money in excess yet its utilization bring trouble ALSO average or little and its management kills the marriage)

BEFORE AND AFTER, BE FAITHFUL TO YOUR PARTNER COS UNFAITHFULNESS CAN TURN GREAT EXPECTATION INTO GREAT REGRET!

Well said sir.

Tgirl4real:

Uju, Hey! How are u and where have u been?

Hey yourself . . . I'm good dearie, tns for asking. How's your family? Hope everything's ok?

Tgirl4real: That is not true. Just just mis-quoted and mis-interpreted scriptures. Jesus and Paul actually said in the bible that it is better not to marry. 1 Corthians 7

we need 2 understand d bible when we read it, God precisely in Gen said it is nt gud a man to be alone, dats why eve was created, God created a woman out of a man, if there was no need 4 an help, women woudnt be existing. Now paul was talking as an advice nt by law, & its 4 those dat can abstain, contd.....

contd........ Nt a man that has plenty girlfriends, or a lady that is sleeping around. He also said if u cannot hold ur body get married, becos every act of fornication destroys one in marriage. U cant eat ur cake & ve it. Our forefathers had gud marriages becos they faithful 2 one another & wit little or no sex b4 marriage. Pls lets preach d right thing, i m nt saint, i made lots of mistakes too b4. But thats d way 2 get it right. too much civilisatn is just killing us.

Why is everyone preaching here?
Isn't this thread supposed to be about addressing the questions the op asked as it applies to one?

slimyem: Why is everyone preaching here?
Isn't this thread supposed to be about addressing the questions the op asked as it applies to one?

In order not to argue unnecessarily, people should be allowed to respond to the topic from whatever angle they choose as long as they seek to address the theme of this thread at least on a basic level.

We want to learn about the different mindsets people have about marriage, how it is supposed to function and how to make it a successful institution in our lives.

I hope you get my drift.

Ujujoan:

Hey yourself . . . I'm good dearie, tns for asking. How's your family? Hope everything's ok?

We are going great. Thanks for asking. When are u granting ur interview.

Maclatunji, soweey.

maclatunji: In order not to argue unnecessarily, people should be allowed to respond to the topic from whatever angle they choose as long as they seek to address the theme of this thread at least on a basic level.

We want to learn about the different mindsets people have about marriage, how it is supposed to function and how to make it a successful institution in our lives.

I hope you get my drift.

okay!

sufferhead marriage ba gaskiya, who wan marry finish come dey chop bonga fish ogbono and okra soup?

marry a guy with great personal hygiene, willingness to allow you domesticate him and who can bring home fat bacon.

uwa d'egwu.
SemperFI

#3
#4

Our courtship was short, so she didn't know me too well, plus I have this double personalities sometimes - extremely angered at one moment, cool at some other time. My major lowpoint is anger. I easily get angry and overreact.

At some other times, when we sat down and discussed our plans and future, she gets a great impression of me.

So at the early stages of our marriage, she struggled to cope with my anger, but she has understood me very well now.


Personally, inasmuch as infidelity is not there, I can overlook virtually every other thing.