Larry-Sun:
Frosti, why are you doing this? You're already eating into someone else's time!

Sorry about that.

iykmora: where is Frosti na? I'm tired of refreshin d page for update instead of refreshin(quenchin) my thirst wit shine-shine bobo

It is now complete, please refresh and wet your thirst.

Very great job, Frosti. I really did enjoy reading your chapter. Revealing, suspense-filled and smooth. Kudos, sir.

I noticed some few errors, which I outlined/corrected (according to how I see them) below. Please make necessary corrections. I'll revisit the second part of your post later. Thanks.

Bless you, sir.

Frosti: Chapter 11
The Awakening
Submitted by Frosti
(The title and author's submission name should be bolded.)
____________________________________

Someplace, Sometime (bold)

He awoke with a start and tentatively opened an eye. He could not immediately place where he was and felt instantly disoriented. He felt very dry and light, like he had no real substance. It was quite eerie but yet still(yet or still, not both) sublimely peaceful. He felt at home, like he had been here before or his very being was attuned to it.

Picking himself up from where he lay, he decided to survey his environment. All around him shone white and bare. There were no trees, buildings or any sort of landmarks in sight. The was even no sun in the white sky. Just white sand on the ground stretching as far as the eyes could see into the bleak white horizon.

Where am I? Is this a dream or a nightmare? Am I dead? Where is everybody? Why is everywhere so white? What is this place? These, and a thousand and one other questions raged through his mind as he looked around him.

After sitting, contemplating and waiting for answers that were not forthcoming, he decided to explore more of his surroundings. As his bare feet crunched on the cool white sand, he walked off into the white horizon, his white robe billowing in the slight wind.
______________________________________________________

Gold Cross Hospital, Ikoyi Lagos
08:30hrs(bold)

Dr Kaboon was having a very shitty day. His wife's incessant nagging got to a new feverish pitch today just because he refused to give her money to purchase a very unnecessary piece of jewelry which she said many of her friends had possessed/bought, and which she too wants(wanted) to own. Damnable woman. Didn't she have enough jewelry already? He could remember the small fortune he spent on the diamond necklace he got her for her birthday just a few months back(earlier). And now she is giving him hell for this? His darling wife has totally changed from the soft-spoken woman he met and fell in love with(It is unethical to end a sentence with a preposition if it can be otherwise done. E.g. His darling wife has totally changed from the soft-spoken woman he had met and with whom he had falled in love). It was all he could do to hold himself and his anger and leave the house without beating her(Leaving the house was all he could do to resist beating her up). He left the house on an empty stomach.

And now this idiot Pyguru is also giving him hell. Dr. Kaboon would have given anything not to have to work under the same roof as his colleague, Dr Pynto Okuwati aka Pyguru aka Royal-Pain-in-the-Ass. His pomposity was way too high and totally undeserved. How could someone be so full of himself, yet know so little? It was a puzzle Dr. Kaboon was not sure he was ready to find out(solve/tackle/decipher) yet. Maybe he will have to ask some of his Psychology colleagues later.

“I am telling you, Kaboon, that the patient in Room 004 should be moved to ward 2. I think it will be better if he is removed from isolation."

Why must this idiot have to use his surname, Kaboon? Couldn't he just call him Tijani or even Tj as some do? To say Kaboon was irritated was a gross understatement.

"No Pyguru, the patient is in that particular room for a reason. That is the only room that has the necessary equipment to treat catatonic patients. The MRI scan of his brain shows extensive damage to his cerebral cortex. He requires close attention and monitoring."

"He is essentially a vegetable. He needs to be moved from that room so that it can be used for urgent and much more hopeful cases. Or maybe we can even transfer him to another hospital."

From which planet did this guy come from? Dr Kaboon had to focus in order to control his anger and his face passive and his voice cool. At this rate people around him were pissing him off, he wondered how long he would be able to hold himself. Maybe he should see an anger management therapist. He mentally added that to his to-do list.

"For the umpteenth time, Pyguru, that patient stays put where he is. His bills are being taken care of and they come from somewhere far above our paychecks, from the hospital Administrator(administrator, the majuscule isn't necessary). This conversation is over. You may leave now."

"What of the other matter concerning the nurses’ welfare package?"

"I have work to do now. I will take it up with the Administrator later."

Pyguru mumbled a last retort as he banged the door after him. Maybe one of these days, I will just ........(the ellipsis shouldn't contain more than three dots), thought Dr Kaboon as he buried his head in the patients reports files in his in-tray. As the head consultant out of the 6 doctors at Gold Cross Hospital, one of the perks of his high position was that he could he(delete, repitition) could overrule Pyguru and ignore his ramblings. But it also meant he was the one to peruse the patients’ reports in the morning before sending them to the required sections and doctors. And it was not light work.

He was still perusing the reports 30 minutes later when he heard a soft knock at his office door.

"Come in",(the comma should stay in the quote) he said.
And in glided a nurse. She smiled at him.
"It is time for you to do your patient rounds, Doc."
"Thank you, Nurse Veronica, lemme just tidy up".(same here) He smiled back at her. Nurse Veronica was one of his favourite nurses.
"The patient in Room 004 has really stabilized and his vitals are showing strong signals, though he is still in coma."
"Good. I will check on him too."
"Anything else I could do for you, Doc? You don't seem too bright a today."
Yes, don't quit smiling, thought Dr Kaboon.
"Yes, hold these files and accompany me on the rounds. I am having a pretty shitty day and could do with your charming presence."

He had once flirted with the dark skinned beautiful nurse and since then she had been making advances towards him. Advances he had of course refused because he didn't want to hurt his marriage and his wife and their two kids(when talking about his marriage, you're still referring to his wife and two kids, therefore, the conjunction you employed is inappropriate. Revise). Maybe it was time to revisit this other option. He smiled as an image of his nagging wife crossed his mind. Banishing the image, he decided to concentrate on the sweet smiling face before him.

"Let's go."
Locking up his office, he followed the heavy swaying hips down the hallway. Maybe the day will not be that bad after all.
____________________________________________________________________

Same morning. Police State Command Headquarters.(Bold)

Inspector David was excited. The source of his excitement could be seen flapping in his hands. It was an envelope addressed to the police Criminal Investigation Department, and in the envelope were some photocopied autopsy reports. The real autopsy reports of the death of Tracy Oluwami, Chief Koko's daughter and(not 'and' but 'who is also') Lucan's girlfriend and fiancée.

The autopsy reports showed the real cause of death to be cyanide poisoning and also showed the real time of death. It also made note of the small needle hole at the back of her head.

This new development just blew the case wide open and he could now prove the innocence of his dear friend, Lucan. He thanked his stars that whoever sent in the envelope had decided to address it to the CID, who knew what could have happened to the envelope if it was addressed to another department of the police, especially with all the corruption in the force.

He knew he had to share this information with someone he could trust. Picking up his phone, he decided to call Sharon, Lucan's Lawyer(lawyer) and his lover. He and Sharon had decided that they knew each other well enough to drop their platonic relationship and try something much more intimate. They had made love a couple of times.

Sharon picked up at the first ring.
"Sweets, I got great news! Are you currently busy?"
"Baby No(no), today has been a slow day at the Chambers here. What happened?"
"I got something great. I think Lucan's case just blew wide open(*blew wide open* the phrase is becoming to sound monotonous). I am coming right over to your office to pick you up so that we can really strategise on what to do. Am(I'm) also getting a bottle of champagne."
"Okay baby, I will be waiting." Sang Sharon.

Ten minutes later, David was easing his 3-year old dark green Toyota Carina out of the garage and into the street. In his excitement, he failed to notice the sleek black car that entered the road three car lengths behind him.
_________________________________________

Same Time. Police State Command Head Quarters(Bold)

Like Inspector David of the CID, Asst(write it out in full) Chief Inspector Jay Brown aka(alias...aka is wrong) JayB also received an envelope an envelope with the same contents. But unlike David, JayB was not a happy man. He had an open-and-shut case before him and had even shuttered investigations pending when and if Lucan recovered from his gunshot injuries. With this new unwarranted evidence, he was staring at the full possibility of having haunted a possibly innocent man to his present state. Damn you anonymous tipster. He caused(cursed) silently.

He looked at the envelope and it’s(its) contents again. It was quite a nondescript envelope, the type you could get at any bookshop for a few naira. The stamp on it showed on it(error) showed that it was posted outside Lagos (smart**Smart** bastard, he caused**cursed** again). It was addressed to the officer in charge of the case involving the murder of Chief Koko and Tracy Oluwami and had just a PO Box(P.O. Box) as the returnee's address. He instinctively knew the PO Box will(would) be fake.

Picking up the intercom, he requested Sgt(write it out) James Aproko to report ASAP.
Within the minute, Sgt Aproko was in his office and saluted smartly.

“You called sir?”
“Yes. I want you to take this envelope to Forensics department. I want them to run a complete test on it and it’s(its) contents – fingerprints, DNA, the full works. I also want you to check the PO Box on the envelope. I also(remove 'also') want a full background check done on all the workers at Dr. Suleiman’s Funeral Parlor.
“Yes Sir! But the background check will take some time”.(put the period in the quote)
Then get on it. I want to know if this is real or just some or just a plank(I want to know if this is real or otherwise). I want your report on my desk ASAP. Dismissed!”
Saluting smartly, Sgt Aproko wheeled out of the office.

JayB was indeed not a happy man. The events of the past few days had not been very favourable at all. His boss, Chief Inspector Ibe, had been killed and while he was still trying to locate the killer(s), a new boss had been fostered on. This new boss had then proceeded to close the damn case as non-solvable(unsolveable). And coupled with the half dozen homicides of recent, no sane man could be happy.

He sighed as he opened the file on his desk. Two idiots had caused a brawl during a football match involving two European clubs and had proceeded to wreck the match viewing(match-viewing, or simply viewing centre) centre. One person had died and 6 more sustained injuries of varying degrees in the fracas that ensured(ensued). He sighed again. It was indeed going to be a long day.
_________________________________________________________________________

Jakende Low-Cost Housing Estate 9:06 hours(Bold)

Tope felt good with himself. He knew he had done something noble. After successfully fending off Mrs. Ajoke by showing her a wrong envelope and telling her he had no such document, he had boarded a bus to a post office in a small town outside Lagos. There, he had made two more copies of the autopsy reports. One copy he had addressed to the police CID and then another to the officer in charge of the murder case of the girl in question. He then breathed a sigh of relief.

He was now back in his one-roomed, self-contained apartment(however, no self-contained apartment is one-roomed. Revise) and was now perusing a copy of his favourite book on the human anatomy. He knew he was going to get an A1 on his internship report. Thank you Lord for your mercies and kindness, he silently prayed.
__________________________________________________________________________

brokoto:
1) dianabol is the trade name of methandrostenolone and as such the you can either use dianabol alone with the symbol (r) attached or use methandrostenolone alone not both of them side by side like you did. Its confusing and technically incorrect.

2) dianabol is an oral steroid and the expression "took out a syringe, which he filled it
with Dianabol methandrostenolone and
injects it on his right thigh." is also technically wrong since you swallow an oral tablet not inject it.

3) both drugs, dianabol and somatropin are steroids and the impression you gave while he was using it was of someone using either psychedelic or opioid drugs. Steroids hardly cause 'highness' as they're mostly body building substances. If you must, there are other better drugs to use there e.g LSD, halothane, heroin etc.

Just for the work to be accurate though. I hope i didn't bother you too much, thanks.

I wasn't using those for him to get high and that's not the impression I gave there...you read into that because maybe your a pharmacist the only thing I implied on dianabol was one of its side effect aggressiveness and then I used HGH because of this;
Energy and sexual function increase
As a powerful aphrodisiac, HGH (Getropin) restores sexual potency and sexuality in men.

And lastly I used them as mere body builders, we are talking of a murder here and I didn't see any medical restriction that says people shouldn't use them both. And the google your always reffering me to brokoto showed me that there is a liquid dianabol

Larry-Sun:
Very great job, Frosti. I really did enjoy reading your chapter. Revealing, suspense-filled and smooth. Kudos, sir.

I noticed some few errors, which I outlined/corrected (according to how I see them) below. Please make necessary correction. I'll revisit the second part of your post later. Thanks.

Bless you, sir.

Larry? Omw! Hmmmm ok

HumbledbYGrace: I wasn't using those for him to get high and that's not the impression I gave there...you read into that because maybe your a pharmacist the only thing I implied on dianabol was one of its side effect aggressiveness and then I used HGH because of this;
Energy and sexual function increase
As a powerful aphrodisiac, HGH (Getropin) restores sexual potency and sexuality in men.

And lastly I used them as mere body builders, we are talking of a murder here and I didn't see any medical restriction that says people shouldn't use them both. And the google your always reffering me to brokoto showed me that there is a liquid dianabol

ok Ooº°˚˚˚°º‎​oO .

Thing is, if you are describing the effect a drug has on an individual it should be specific enough to avoid any ambiguity or misinterpretations. You just wrote that he enjoyed the burning sensation it gave him. That's non specific and I doubt anybody reading it would bother to check what the drugs do and would just assume that he was using them for a high. I didn't say you shouldn't use the 2 drugs you used, only that using the word Dianabol methandrostenolone is incorrect.
The detailed explanation you just gave would have made for better comprehension if it was included in the story in the first place. Nobody is an embodiment of knowledge I guess and me referring you to google was a one off thing to clear up the air on eclampsia, nothing to be pissed about.

brokoto: ok Ooº°˚˚˚°º‎​oO .

Thing is, if you are describing the effect a drug has on an individual it should be specific enough to avoid any ambiguity or misinterpretations. You just wrote that he enjoyed the burning sensation it gave him. That's non specific and I doubt anybody reading it would bother to check what the drugs do and would just assume that he was using them for a high. I didn't say you shouldn't use the 2 drugs you used, only that using the word Dianabol methandrostenolone is incorrect.
The detailed explanation you just gave would have made for better comprehension if it was included in the story in the first place. Nobody is an embodiment of knowledge I guess and me referring you to google was a one off thing to clear up the air on eclampsia, nothing to be pissed about.

ok noted

Larry-Sun:
Very great job, Frosti. I really did enjoy reading your chapter. Revealing, suspense-filled and smooth. Kudos, sir.

I noticed some few errors, which I outlined/corrected (according to how I see them) below. Please make necessary correction. I'll revisit the second part of your post later. Thanks.

Bless you, sir.

Thanks very much for the compliments, Sir. Coming from you, that's real huge. **takes a needle and punctures own swollen head**

Corrections noted.

Frosti:

Thanks very much for the compliments, Sir. Coming from you, that's real huge. **takes a needle and punctures own swollen head**

Corrections noted.

You're welcome.

Foxy_Ultimate: Na me be next?

Larry please repost the remaining writers....

Quickly please

Frosti: Chapter Eleven (March 23, 2013)

Senbonzakura_kayegoshi: Chapter Twelve (March 27, 2013)

Foxy_Ultimate: Chapter Thirteen (March 31, 2013)

Mynd_44: Chapter Fourteen (April 4, 2013)

Since we don't know Senb's whereabout, I'll suggest you begin preparing for your own time, Foxy.

This house is now boring.

Uniquexty: This house is now boring.

me think so too, but i can always find sumfin interesting to giv...

When Larry... Efe and HBG dey form boss why e no go boring. If we wan catch fun, dem go carry dia head dey come form seriousness... Mtchw

Foxy_Ultimate: When Larry... Efe and HBG dey form boss why e no go boring. If we wan catch fun, dem go carry dia head dey come form seriousness... Mtchw

oga, kul dat ya shaky body jorh

Foxy_Ultimate: When Larry... Efe and HBG dey form boss why e no go boring. If we wan catch fun, dem go carry dia head dey come form seriousness... Mtchw

why don't ya'll catch some fun?

M not bossy jeez

Rap maestro: oga, kul dat ya shaky body jorh

Nice one frosti. Oga Larry really broke it down for you. Didn't even notice anything while I ws readding.

I wonder why anty ishilove hasn't commented yet

HumbledbYGrace: why don't ya'll catch some fun?

M not bossy jeez

Actualy, u are.

Foxy_Ultimate: When Larry... Efe and HBG dey form boss why e no go boring. If we wan catch fun, dem go carry dia head dey come form seriousness... Mtchw

I don't form seriousness. I'm always serious when I need to. You cannot expect a clown in everybody.

Uniquexty: This house is now boring.

I've got a perfect reply for this statement, but the speaker wouldn't like it, so I'll pass.

Larry-Sun:

I've got a perfect reply for this statement, but the speaker wouldn't like it, so I'll pass.

Thank you

Larry-Sun:

I don't form seriousness. I'm always serious when I need to. You cannot expect a clown in everybody.

Larry-Sun:

I've got a perfect reply for this statement, but the speaker wouldn't like it, so I'll pass.

Larry-Sun:

I don't form seriousness. I'm always serious when I need to. You cannot expect a clown in everybody.

I wanted to pass too and ignore you but I couldn't help it. Everybody has his own fun side but are one serious dude that looks more like a sadist. Sorry to ask, but men... How do you make friends?

*interesting time to browse in*

Foxy_Ultimate:


I wanted to pass too and ignore you but I couldn't help it. Everybody has his own fun side but are one serious dude that looks more like a sadist. Sorry to ask, but men... How do you make friends?

If you've got any beef with me, tell it straight to my face. Stop meandering, you're older than that.

A stylish way and excuse to pull out, shey? @you

Rap maestro: A stylish way and excuse to pull out, shey? @you

At who? Me? Not in a million year! I haven't even contributed

Good job Frosti. Very interesting submission with a whole lot of intrigues developing. Kudos, man.

My observations:

First of all, it's Kabon, nigga, KABON. Not Kaboon.

Secondly, judging from the conversation between TJ and Pyguru, it is obvious that what they have is a superior-subordinate relationship. In chapter 8, we are given the distinct impression that Kabon and Pyguru are equals. Also, you elevated Kabon to chief medical consultant. This is inconsistent with chapter 8, because in that chapter, Pyguru pulled a fast one on him and he ended up working the nightshift. In my experience, senior officers don't work shifts.

"he walked off into the white horizon, his
white robe billowing in the slight wind"-Billow-blow out. Since the wind is slight, the robe will billow gently because the verb 'billow' brings to mind FORCE. It takes a certain amount of force for a piece of material to billow, and the adjective 'slight' directly negates that. Remember you are trying to paint pictures with your words.
Consider- "he walked off into the white horizon, his white robe billowing gently in the gentle wind" (I actually prefer 'breeze')

"I want to know if this is real or just some or just a plank".-Prank.

"At the center of the room was a small plastic table on which lay a tray containing several tools and implements too gross for her to try and identify and on the other side was her husband looking morose and dejected. She knew she could cut through her bonds with one of those tools, if only she could reach them."- Eno couldn't identify the the several tools on the table because they were gross, so it is rather strange that she somehow knew she could cut her bonds with the same tools which she could not identify.

"She found that she could reach now reach the legs of the table and she kicked very vigorously. The tray fell to the ground scattering it's contents as the table gave way. Using the tip of her toes, she dragged a knife towards her and picked it up with her hand." - It will be better if you try to identify some of the contents of the tray. Eno couldn't identify the objects, but suddenly a knife appears. How? How did she know the objects could serve as a source of freedom if she couldn't identify them? Was the knife there all along? Why didn't Eno feel relief when the knife in a tray of undescribable contents appeared from the blues. It is almost as if she expected the knife to be there. Don't forget she couldn't be bothered with identifying the objects. This is where you need to be a bit more detailed and descriptive because to the trained reader, this paragraph is jerky and has holes.

Try- "She found that she could now reach the legs of the table and she kicked it very vigorously. The tray fell to the ground, scattering it's contents as the table gave way. She quickly scanned fallen objects with her eyes and to her immense relief, saw a knife gleaming amidst the objects. It looked sharp and inviting. She stretched, and using the tip of her toes, dragged the knife towards her and picked it up with her left hand".

"After cutting her bonds, she proceeded to where her husband lay and cut his bonds too. Still holding her knife, they both walked to the door."- For someone who has been tied for hours and tortured, and is still wracked with pain, Jack seemed to have recovered VERY quickly. They walked to the door, as if by mutual consent. Did they plan it? Didn't they consider the pros and cons of just walking out and facing a deranged killer? Details, details. . .

"he had changed his mind when he had seen the dazzling beauty of the redhead"- . This story involves negro characters, so it is very strange that Eno is redheaded. Is she albino, mulatto or caucasian? Please explain.

"He was still smiling and whistling when something hard and sharp smashed into his skull. His last image as he lay sprawled on the floor was of a redhead beauty holding a blood-stained knife. The knife slammed into him again"- When was the first time the knife 'slammed' into him? What smashed into his skull? The knife? You don't smash a skull with a knife, unless the handle is very heavy or made of metal. Where did the knife enter? The skull?

This paragraph is ambiguos. Consider revising.

"Intermittently he took a swipe of
the hot gin or a lungful of the smoke."- The correct word here is 'sip'. You take a swipe at a fly, the butt of a naughty child or an irritating insect. You SIP a drink. You don't swipe drinks, unless you want to use it informally . Then 'swipe' could mean 'steal'. E.g, She swiped my money.

Taking a 'swipe at the gin' brings to mind children playing under falling rain.

Hold on, lemme rest my fingers.

Wow, so Pyguru was killed? Yippee!

Now if only we can kill Pyguru, the software...

Let the next set of writers keep it mind that Madam K is a serving member of government, so it should reflect in some of her activities.

All in all, a nice submission from Frosti
(You need Jesus; Sharon and David are engaging in pre-marital coi.tus )

When it comes to critiques, Ishilove is an idols. Hell! I didn't notice all those, except of course, the 'redhead'. That one was stretched a bit thin. Eno, I believe, isn't a mulatto. The red hair couldn't have come from its original source. Ask Obsession and Amigos

Larry-Sun:
When it comes to critiques, Ishilove is an idols. Hell! I didn't notice all those, except of course, the 'redhead'. That one was stretched a bit thin. Eno, I believe, isn't a mulatto. The red hair couldn't have come from its original source. Ask Obsession and Amigos

Aww, shucks!! Larry, you exaggerate

Lol@ Amigos and Obsession.

A swig could also be taken from the gin bottle, 'swipe' is...well, kleptomanially sounding