A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."


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Strategic responses to the ever dangerous "Do I look Fat" question:

"No, not to Stevie Wonder."

"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your

best friend."

"Does this tie make me look stupid?"

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a

pricey hooker, so things kinda balance out."

"If I answer that question, then the

terrorists have won."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you

not focus in a negative way on the comparison

I am about to make."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests

prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a

look."

"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear

of one-legged sea captains."

"Whoa! A talking couch!!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The psychology instructor had just finished a

lecture on mental health and was giving an

oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression,

she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient

who walks back and forth screaming at the top

of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair

weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and

answered, "A basketball coach?"

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This is an actual job application a 27 year old man submitted at a Mr. Biggs's fast-food

establishment in Choba, and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Ituen Greenback

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR

RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my break yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: si barone

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares.
So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why!

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-the-rapist.

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal

morning rounds when he entered a patient's

room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the

floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in

half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by

his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was

doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see

I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The

doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2

was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my

friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks

he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and

notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your

friend, you should get him down from there

before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the

dark?"

NO WAY MAN! AM NOT RETARDED!

A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"Welcome to the family," said the man. "I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise."

The father-in-law said, "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work, too" said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

SO u don start abi?

Anyway, i just enter Abj last night cos the Flight i use been get problem. The aeroplane tire been burst so we had to come down to change it before we took off again

@ituen hope u never experience hold up in the sky

@ ituen

i never start. . . . . . i just dey begin. . . .

na only ur flight , conductor dey, hold up go dey sky. . . . .so tey. . . u buy pure water just to kool off. . . .

dem even dey stop @ every bustop. . . . kool down oh. . .

how abj?

saw colins on thurs. . . .said he was just coming into town. . . . .kano don show am shege

Collins don black sotay even im parents begin think say the boy dey ""

hehehehehehe

im don go become point 1 come back house

am sure they will be proud of him now!

Eyaa. Not too bad sha . . . tura soap and creme never finish na.

na wetin u been use?

you wan let people know your secret now abi?

why are u confusing yourself dawg!

be a man and accept your suicidal acts. . . . . . just letme know if those are what u used to bleach yourself up. . .

no wonder you are looking like tie and dye - --- adire. . . . . . .

See as you dey yahn from experience. Need I say more?
Experience na the heaviest teacher!

Is that all there is? Tell us more abeg.

Kronky the rainbow colored man.

gillgee, i would advice you go back to ur desk to read, you are staying too long on the internet, u know you have to come out with a first class upper. . . so shut down d fking pc and go to read

first class for NLD

u forget say na seum im papa dey pay school fees to. . . .

the boy must graduate. . . . make we help am abeg

abi na lie i lie?


_{lights my ganja and puffs out the smoke}

Delib, take it easy with the ganja stuff ooo. U know say u dey for yaba thread!

Thanks brodaman, ganja can do me nothing am ok with my G

Try not to smoke today just for the sake of Easter, it will make you a better person.

_{passes the rilla to naijastle}

hope u no go cough at the smoke oo

No thanks dont smoke. i've passed that level.

wat do u do now?

u sniff i guess!

Yea he sniffs cow dung.

just as you taught me.

sniffers in da house

Speaking from experience.

uhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

*gesticulates to thuglife* dont u geddit?