This was what my friend told me 3 days ago and she is in a dilema. We have lived together under the same roof since we both got to this country five years ago. Her husband has tried more than enough time to obtain visa to join them here but he was never lucky and the worst is that he has no job and financial means to back up his application.

For almost 2 years now my friend has been the one sponsoring the family through the little she could make here. Up till now she has no savings because even her mum depends on her (meaning she caters for herself and her 2 kids here, her husband and her child back in Nigeria and her mother). Its really hard on her but at least she is still able to do that. Now the husband called her yesterday and told her specifically 'I have tried visa several times without success, i am not happy with this distance marriage and i give you up till end of June to pack your things and return home with the kids, i am fed up and i have made up my mind, nothing is going to change this so dont bother, just come back home, i need my kids and my wife under same roof with me'.

Now this man has no stable job, she pays the house rent and even sends feeding money to him some times. She does have money herself to set up something should she return home and she has been trying since then to make him see reason why this is not the right time to do this but he would not bulge, he told if she is no longer interested in the marriage she can stay back but if she is still in this marriage she should just return home for good.

What do you think? She is afraid of loosing her marriage if she refuse to go and afraid of 'hunger' should she return.

abegi, she should leave her loser husband.

misery loves company

Well, since she's scared of loosing the both, just be wise. i think she shuld ve her priority. bt i think she shuld save her marriage first, God ll always see her through. If d hubby 4gets abt travelling out he ll ve reasonable time to look out 4 job. So i suggest u go back home since he wants u back.

oyb:

abegi, she should leave her loser husband.

misery loves company

are you male or female? are you married?

So her husband has become a loser because he is unemployed? the same husband she saw and decided to get married to? has he suddenly become a loser because she is fortunate enough to get to a place where she has a job and some level of comfort?

abeg make we dey use brain o

JustGood:

are you male or female? are you married?

So her husband has become a loser because he is unemployed? the same husband she saw and decided to get married to? has he suddenly become a loser because she is fortunate enough to get to a place where she has a job and some level of comfort?

abeg make we dey use brain o

if you could use the pea you call a brain, you would decipher what the poster has written. since you can't, i will break it down for you

ayomifull:

This was what my friend told me 3 days ago and she is in a dilema. We have lived together under the same roof since we both got to this country five years ago. Her husband has tried more than enough time to obtain visa to join them here but he was never lucky and the worst is that he has no job and financial means to back up his application.

this implies that the husband's 'dry period' is roughly five years

ayomifull:

For almost 2 years now my friend has been the one sponsoring the family through the little she could make here. Up till now she has no savings because even her mum depends on her (meaning she caters for herself and her 2 kids here, her husband and her child back in Nigeria and her mother).

the woman is the SOLE provider in the family

ayomifull:

Its really hard on her but at least she is still able to do that. Now the husband called her yesterday and told her specifically 'I have tried visa several times without success, i am not happy with this distance marriage and i give you up till end of June to pack your things and return home with the kids, i am fed up and i have made up my mind, nothing is going to change this so don't bother, just come back home, i need my kids and my wife under same roof with me'.

this indicates that , for the sake of foolish pride, the man wants her to leave employment for uncertainty. if the husband had a job and was paying some of the bills he might be entitled to start complaining. are you thinking at all? when she comes home, as per his orders, will the bills house rent, children's school fees, etc pay for themselves?

the man is a proud fool taking advantage of the typical african sitauation. he's fed up with a distance marraiage. i wonder why he isn't issuing ultimatums to the employers who are spurning him

ayomifull:

What do you think? She is afraid of loosing her marriage if she refuse to go and afraid of 'hunger' should she return.

only hunger? how about abject poverty

oyb:

abegi, she should leave her loser husband.

misery loves company

I dont need this kind of talk, i didnt ask for insult but reasonable advise please keep off if you dont have anything useful to say.This same guy paid for her to get here it cost him a lot of money then. Things changed and now he is in this condition.

okay. .  let me tell you what you want to hear - come home. or even. . . better pray .

i wonder why you come here soliciting advise if you don't want to hear it. do you expect us to treat you with kid gloves like a delicate child, or start wailing with you.

"oh ma se o. . ati daran . . wetin we go do oh( hands on head) he said i must come home or marraiage is over"

you can also give us the full details. like how your husband paid. please tell us everything, instaed of this cunny cunny piecemeal info designed to put you in a good light -

_{since my answer seems to be pricking your conscienece}

save your marriage for the sake of your children and happiness.

oyb,

take it easy on the lady. she is in a very dicey situation wherein she is being forced to make impossible choices. what may seem simple, straightforward and plain common sense to you as a man may not appear that way to a woman. thats why she came here to solicit advice



@ Ayo, does your friend have her papers? Can she visit Nigeria and return without immigration wahala? pls respond and then I'll make a suggestion

oyb:

if you could use the pea you call a brain, you would decipher what the poster has written. since you can't, i will break it down for you

this implies that the husband's 'dry period' is roughly five years

the woman is the SOLE provider in the family


this indicates that , for the sake of foolish pride, the man wants her to leave employment for uncertainty. if the husband had a job and was paying some of the bills he might be entitled to start complaining. are you thinking at all? when she comes home, as per his orders, will the bills house rent, children's school fees, etc pay for themselves?

the man is a proud fool taking advantage of the typical african sitauation. he's fed up with a distance marraiage. i wonder why he isn't issuing ultimatums to the employers who are spurning him

I am glad I have a pea of a brain. You did not answer any of my questions: what happened to your mountain-sized that you did not address what I posted?

If you are married and have any brain, you'll have enough intelligence to know that responsible people dont just decide to ditch marriages.

let me answer your question , since you are too dumb to read between the lines:

only a loser will insist that his spouse leave a paid job to come home to join him in unemployment. what sort of thinking is that?

does he even love his wife? he's busy giving ultimatums -

it is the husband you should be challenging - he is the one who decided to leave - probably because his ego cannot take the fact that his wife has become with the defacto breadwinner .

oyb for president jare!

Right on the money completely

btw it's obviously that this thread is about ayofunmi herself which is why she took offence to the loser comment. All these people with their fake "friends" who need advice. Why not tell this imaginary friend to make the thread herself.

Oyb broke it down pure and simple. better than the usual bullshit of "go home and pray, all shall be well in the next 15 years". Nonsense.

Let her go back home and end up in Sabo running after cars to pay for her kids and lame husband to eat

oyb,

i agree entirely with your analysis of the situation that it makes no sense for ayo to return to financial uncertainty but your language is rather disturbing. since you were able to cotton on immediately that ayo was actually describing her own situation, do you honestly believe that this your brash, in-your-face hyper-adrenaline responses are the most appropriate or effective communication to a woman who is deeply hurt by her husband's actions and and trying to make a tough decision?

how will calling her husband a loser make her feel any better? yes, his position is wrong and his demands are not reasonable but do you have to bruise Ayo's feeling in the course of advising her? keep in mind that we are talking about her husband and not her boyfriend! would you take kindly to third parties using such language about your wife no matter how she may have offended you?

consider also that this type of harsh response may discourage others with serious emotional problems from seeking help if they feel that they will simply be mocked on account of their opening up their personal problems to nairaland

i don't expect any better from the small pikin eaglets wey never see life but i expected better from you

I think she should never have got married in the first place. Reason is that it is now obvious that money is more important than the marriage.

To call a guy a loser because he has been unable to get a job in Nigeria is totally unfair as well. There are very intelligent guys in nigeria who are unable to get decent jobs because of the state of the nation. Let's not be so hasty in judging people's conditions simply because we have never been in such conditions or because we are fortunate enough to have escaped the situations.

How can people be married and be living so far away from each other. When exactly was the last time the couple set eyes on themselves? I will advise that you divorce the man on the grounds that you'd rather stay with your economic comfort

ayo,

long distance marriage creates a lot of stress on the relationship. issues which can be easily resolved between the couple become magnified because of the distance.

if you are able to visit naija and return to your base without immigration problems, i'd suggest you try and visit - if you can spare the cash for the trip. you may find that the matter can be resolved face to face. personally, i suspect your hubby's ego is pretty low at the moment due to job and visa difficulties hence his demanding that you return to naija for good. when you visit, you can make him see reason that you need to be abroad for now but that you will visit regularly etc. he may subconsciously resent your being the breadwinner - no decent man likes to feel like a kept man - hence the sudden demand that you come home since he could not get a visa. once you understand where he is coming from, you can handle him better

also, i suspect good sex for a few days will make him see the world a little differently

Woah people. Let us be realistic. It is not that simple. The man wants his wife and children back. Is that so unreasonable. I have an uncle (very good friend of my dad) that moved to the states about 20 years ago. Has been busting his ass here and was also here illegally. He was able to go home to visit once a while back and the reception he got from his kids was cold. As a matter of fact the youngest child did not recognize her dad. Is money really worth the separation of the family. I understand the whole bread winner thing. She has been here for a few years now. Has she not learned a skill that she can use in Nigeria. She needs to be thinking at that level. Not staying here and being separated from that man and also the kids not being with him. It is torture. If she's living away from home from paycheck to paycheck then it is not working out for her either.

Is the man lazy or is he just rightfully frustrated? Your friend really needs to start asking herself these tough questions.

blacklion:

oyb,

take it easy on the lady. she is in a very dicey situation wherein she is being forced to make impossible choices. what may seem simple, straightforward and plain common sense to you as a man may not appear that way to a woman. thats why she came here to solicit advice



@ Ayo, does your friend have her papers? Can she visit Nigeria and return without immigration wahala? please respond and then I'll make a suggestion

She has papers and has been home only once in the 2 years he has the papers simply because she is not quite bouyant, she doesnt even have a full time job and you know with her responsibilities buying tickets now and then is not quite possible.

For those saying this is about me, well you all are entitled to your opinion but no one knows me here so i see no reason why i shoud be lying about this if its me, about her posting this herself well, i am on the internet from 10.30-7.15 while she is only once in a while on the internet and i am not sure she will want to discuss this on the net, i didnt even tell her i am doing this and she is not the 'internet' type.

Others with reasonable advise, thanks.

She should nt leave wh she gets her daily bread cos of a man who doesn't wish her well . Look if it's goin 2 break the marriage so be it. Hw can a man who doesn't put food on the table tell u 2 leave where u keep body & soul 2geda just 2 satisfy his selfish interest. Look open ur eyes and see the light he is self-centered and will continue 2 use u

She should nt leave wh she gets her daily bread cos of a man who doesn't wish her well . Look if it's goin 2 break the marriage so be it. Hw can a man who doesn't put food on the table tell u 2 leave where u keep body & soul 2geda just 2 satisfy his selfish interest. Look open ur eyes and see the light he is self-centered and will continue 2 use u

actually, i agree about the 'loser' part. i apologize. i should not have used that term. country dey hard.

but unless the husband has a job of his own, he has no business demanding that she come back home to unemployment. they have children now. acouple without kids can afford to leave lousy jobs at will, without anything else being available. but it is patently irresponsible to do so if you have kids. children change the equation. madam and i can drink garri, yes - but the kids? i don't want to visit that on them.

Since the woman has papers, she can go during her annual holiday (for a month) or even get another 1-2 months unpaid.

Family and marriage are far more important than anything else.

The husband should(and i beleive he must have talk through with his wife) try to reach some understanding with his wife and set a realistic timetable when they both will be together.

There is bread today and there may not be tommorrow. Anything that will not break the family and still put bread on their table is the best acceptable compromise in my opinion.

Dialogue, understanding and loving communication without some 'usual feminist nonesense' is the best approach. it is not just this two people but there are children and their interest should be equally paramount if not more.

One day the job will be finished, so she will be left with her family and likely her husband if she is wise to keep it, same goes for the man.

Good luck in applying wisdom.

That's right vigasimple.

I dont think the woman should go back home. Go back to what? Will she get a job the next day she returns?
Where will money to feed, pay rent and send the kids to school come from?

I agree with Vigasimple's point, go home on a holiday with the kids for a month or so and talk to the husband . . . perhaps he hasnt gotten a job in 5yrs because he'd put all his eggs in the visa basket. Its time for him to do more than just issuing threats, should the marriage end today he'd be the ultimate loser.

vigasimple:

Since the woman has papers, she can go during her annual holiday (for a month) or even get another 1-2 months unpaid.

Family and marriage are far more important than anything else.

The husband should(and i beleive he must have talk through with his wife) try to reach some understanding with his wife and set a realistic timetable when they both will be together.

There is bread today and there may not be tommorrow. Anything that will not break the family and still put bread on their table is the best acceptable compromise in my opinion.

Dialogue, understanding and loving communication without some 'usual feminist nonesense' is the best approach. it is not just this two people but there are children and their interest should be equally paramount if not more.

One day the job will be finished, so she will be left with her family and likely her husband if she is wise to keep it, same goes for the man.

Good luck in applying wisdom.

Well said.

Anyone who is contrary to her going back home has my full support.

@ poster
Why hasn't your husband succeeded all these years? Are you sure this isn't a sign of some imcompatibility?

If I were her I'll not go back until at least he had some sort of employment and if I were him,I'll divorce her for spousal abandonment and marry a wife I can touch and feel.
It's not as easy as some people are making it out to be.
This is just one side of the story.
His story may be entirely different
We marry for better for worse,don't we?
Now this is the for worse part,it's not supposed to be pretty.

I wouldn't want to be in her shoes.

I was once in your friend's shoes, and mine got so bad that my in laws started accusing me of infidelity- even to my face.  I eventually decided to relocate back to Nigeria on the condition that my hubby was going to help me get a job but after spending 9 months, i wasn't able to get a job with all my UK work experience.  Eventually,  i decided to pick up a trade(clothing business and catering) but i must tell you this, it wasn't easy at all - bad debts and all that.  But to tell you the truth, your marriage and family is worth more than your job and whatever money you're making there.

My advice is if you must come, come back prepared with the plans of setting up something no matter how little, so you don't get yourself to blame on the long run.  And while at that try processing your husband's papers once more who knows your being here might bring him some luck this time around.  This was what i did  and today my husband's papers been approved.
Goodluck.

Go back to him for what? his inability to provide for her and her children? inability to protect them? why should she go back to worthless thing that calls himself a man? why should she go back to sorrow and famine past?

i don tire for this naija men and their disappointments o. just because he can't obtain visa, he wants her to get back to him. . .omo, if i was your friend, i would not even consider his proposal. . .what confuses me is the reason why she should go back to him. , FOR WHAT?!!! b/c of a lil celebration called marriage they performed? the marriage that he is not even man enough to call himself a husband?
i don tire o. . .abeg, dnt let her go back to that sorrowful life, it's obvious that her husband wants her with him in his miserable life. .

But to tell you the truth, your marriage and family is worth more than your job and whatever money you're making there.

it seems a bit strange that the women is the only one being asked to sacrifice for her marriage and family.

my old man was in the middle east for 10 years from 1990 to 2000 . he came home one month in a year. my mum used to travel over there twice a year.

a lot of nigerians (men and women) had to do the same thing.
a lot are still doing it in one way or another

there is nothing new about the phenomenon of long distance marriages/relationships brought about by the financial situation in nigeria.

granted, it is not the best way to run a marriage, but you take the hand you are dealt. it was actually my mum that began harassing my old man to go to the middle east. he stubbornly held out until, enroute to lagos from ilorin in 1988, the car tire gave out. not from puncturing, it just failed. my dad had to borrow money from his inlaws to buy a new tire. i guess that was the last straw. (and my dad is a british trained general surgeon )when we got back home, he went about looking for a job in the middle east.

all in all, we mostly turned out ok.

the husband should hustle for a job, instead of visa. i think that may be where the problem is .i'm sure he has been focusing his energies solely on escaping from nigeria.

morenike09:

Go back to him for what? his inability to provide for her and her children? inability to protect them? why should she go back to worthless thing that calls himself a man? why should she go back to sorrow and famine past?

i don tire for this naija men and their disappointments o. just because he can't obtain visa, he wants her to get back to him. . .omo, if i was your friend, i would not even consider his proposal. . .what confuses me is the reason why she should go back to him. , FOR WHAT?!!! b/c of a little celebration called marriage they performed? [b]the marriage that he is not even man enough to call himself a husband?[/b]i don tire o. . .abeg, dnt let her go back to that sorrowful life, it's obvious that her husband wants her with him in his miserable life. .

This is perhaps the daftest post here.

How dare anyone refer to someone's husband as a owrthless thing!!!

This is the same guy who was her darling and they must have had good times for them to have kids. Now that it seems things are not going right for the guy, some people think it's right for the guy to be seen as worthless. Hopefully, you'll all reap the rewards of your thoughts towards others.

Nigeria is the best place to see that a man's life consists of what he has in financial terms. No wonder all the politicians want to steal whenever they get the chance. If that same husband becomes a politicaian and embezzles money to become rich, many here will sing his praises. Or if was into fraud and has successfully scammed some people, he would not be a WORTHLESS man.

We do need to grow up as a people

Any way, u are all entitled to ur opinion. my advice to your friend is that she should think back and remember all that transpired before she left for the states or wherever she is, from that, she will get a perfect answer to this question. We all do not know how it all started so we are not in the best position to give an advice. Is your work worth more than ur hubby or is ur hubby worth more than ur present status? think and give urself the answer. Good luck