Nightly hitch hiking

This story happened a while ago in Soweto, and even when it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. (probably one of our urban legends)

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.


Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there's nobody behind the wheel.

The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. The guy, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest township. Wet and in shock, he went to a shebeen and asked for two shots of tequila.

He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and, wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the same tavern, wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing the guy who hitched a lift, the one said to the other, "Look, Mfowetu, there's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."


Finally, a gifted SA blonde!!!!

[b]A blonde walks into a bank in Johannesburg and asks for the loans dept.
She says she´s going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow R10,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a R500,000 Rolls as collateral against a R10,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank´s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the R10,000 and the interest, which comes to R141.66. The bank manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow R10,000?"
The blond replies , "Where else in Johannesburg can I park my car for two weeks for only R141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally, a gifted blonde!!!! [/b]

Questions about South Africa

[b]These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you´ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it´s only two thousand kilometres take lots of water,
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden) A: So it´s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey´s Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA) A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not, oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q:Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA) A:Face south & then turn 90 degrees.Contact us when you get here & we´ll send the rest of the directions.
Q:Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK) A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? (USA) A:Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,which is, oh forget it.Sure,the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow,straight after the Koala Bear races.Come naked.
Q:Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France) A:No,WE don´t stink.
Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA) A:Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France) A:Only at Christmas.
Q:Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany) A:Not yet,but for you, we´ll import them.
Q:Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?(Germany) A:No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless,can be safely handled & make good pets.
Q:Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A:Yes,but you´ll have to learn it first. [/b]



One Day At Tan Tock Seng Hospital

[b]One Day At Tan Tock Seng Hospital - Centre For Communicable Disease

This story was told by a nurse, and she swears this really happened on her ward.

A man suspected of SARS is lying in bed with a mask over his mouth.
A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

-* "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask,
-* "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies,
-* "I don´t know Mr ******, I´m only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask,
-*"Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies,
"I can´t tell. I´m only here to wash your face and hands."
The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
-* "Nurse," he mumbled,
-* "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted.
She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the panamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced,
-* "Nothing wrong with your testicles!!!"
At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again,
-* "I SAID, Are my TESTS RESULTS BACK , !! " [/b]

@poster
nice but the first one got me cracking up.

Nice jokes especially the Q&A

SeanT21:


[b]These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you´ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it´s only two thousand kilometres take lots of water,
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden) A: So it´s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey´s Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA) A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not, oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q:Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA) A:Face south & then turn 90 degrees.Contact us when you get here & we´ll send the rest of the directions.
Q:Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK) A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? (USA) A:Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,which is, oh forget it.Sure,the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow,straight after the Koala Bear races.Come naked.
Q:Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France) A:No,WE don´t stink.
Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA) A:Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France) A:Only at Christmas.
Q:Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany) A:Not yet,but for you, we´ll import them.
Q:Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?(Germany) A:No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless,can be safely handled & make good pets.
Q:Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A:Yes,but you´ll have to learn it first. [/b]

The first one was my fave too!!