I once heard a story from my Uncle’s brother’s son’s cousin’s cousin who in turn heard it from his wife’s sister’s boyfriend’s friend. He begged me fervently not to tell anyone. But you see, I have diarrhoea of the mouth and I just can’t help myself. I am now telling this tale to you. Mind you, I am not asking you to tell your enemy’s friend’s friend’s enemy. If you know you would, don’t quote me o.

Ehn ehn, as regards the story I heard from multiple sources, there was a business transaction which was ‘incorporated’ in 1914 and which has culminated in a series of wahala and brouhaha going on in a company called Naigaria today.

Story, story….. Once upon a time, there was a man named Alagba Lord Laguda. He was an Albino and was sent by one Queen from the Land of the Albinos who speak through their noses to be the guardian for some ‘people’. Alagba Laguda had a very wild moustache that he used in sipping Kai-kai, Stout and Trophy. He left his wife Mrs. Laguda in Landan and kept a concubine called Miss Flora Shawo.

One particular evening after he had taken Kai-kai mixed with Alomo, he took a trip ‘INTO’ Miss Flora Shawo (I didn’t say anything o). Not satisfied after the first trip, he took another trip there which took him 20 minutes to complete. After the two ‘tortuous’ trips, they both engaged in a discussion and the following ensued;

Miss Flora Shawo: “My dear Laguda, why don’t you compel Messer Arewa, Ndigbo, Yoruba, Ujaw, Atshekiri and the other minority guys to form a company?

Alagba Laguda; “Ah, that won’t be a funny idea o. These people have different characters and are not compatible. See, Mr Arewa is a man with very short fuse. He also believes it is his right to be in charge of everything and to LEAD. As for Mr Ndigbo, he is very greedy and obsessed with money. He cannot even remove an insect from his mother’s eye for free. Mr Yoruba believes he is the most educated person in this world. He is so arrogant and never sees anything good in others. As for the minorities like Ujaw, Atshekiri, Ababio and co, they also have strange behaviours.

Miss Flora Shawo: “You see my dear, their incompatibility isn’t our concern. Force them to start a business and you take your commission. Meanwhile, you should put Mr Arewa in charge.

Alagba Laguda: “Okay then. But what name should we called the business entity they would set up

Miss Flora Shawa: “(After thinking for a while). You know that Lake at the back of our house called Naiga? It is a beautiful name. Let us name their business after the lake and call it “NAIGARIA PLC”.

So, that was how Naigaria Plc was born.

Mr Arewa was in charge of the business. In as much as he was not very learned, he believed it was his right to be in charge. Mr Yoruba who was the most educated and who believed himself to be better than the others kept checks and balances on Mr Arewa as he ran the business. He led the opposition. However Mr. Ndigbo-himself and Mr. Arewa never liked each other. Mr Arewa saw him as someone that should never be kept in charge of money while he in turn believed Mr. Arewa to be an illiterate.

Naigaria Plc was a joint venture. Mr Arewa produced Tomatoes, Onions, Pepper and rice. Mr. Ndigbo produced Tin, Palmoil, Salt and yams. Mr Yoruba the ‘sophisticated’ man produced Cocoa and spent a lot of money educating his people by organizing free education for them. Meanwhile the minority shareholders in the business contributed little things and had no say in the scheme of things.

All these shareholders suspected each other and NEVER liked each other.

All of a sudden, Mr Ujaw and Mr Ushekiri discovered crude oil in their backyards and that was the ‘in-thing’. They started trading the oil at the international market. Mr Yoruba, Ndigbo and Arewa abandoned their native businesses because of the oil.

This meant more money for Naigaria Plc. It was expected that since they were making so much money, they should develop their homes, have portable roads, good electricity, good schools and so on. This was not to be. They got greedy and this made Naigaria to be grossly under-developed.

They then decided to be democratic in choosing the managing director of Naigaria plc. Part of the majority and the minority formed the PEOPLE DECIEVING PEOPLE (PDP) caucus. The party’s is made of a mixture of people-Intelligent, criminals, kleptomaniacs, technocrats, dumb heads, etc. Mr. Yoruba who believes he is the most intelligent person ever created by God created the ALREADY DEAD (AD) caucus. Some children of Mr. Arewa decided to float a caucus called Association for Nurturing Private Pockets (ANPP).

The PDP has been in charge of Naigaria since 1999 and things haven’t moved forward much. Yet one way or the other, they win elections. Meanwhile, because it is a caucus of many people, whoever felt offended within the PDP would cross-carpet and become a saint, especially after he has stolen from Naigaria Plc’s treasury (an example is a short mallam who is always tweeting).

The AD broke up and one frog-eyed man became the leader of the Yaribas. He later changed the AD to ACN (Association of Corrupt Nigerians).

Meanwhile, almost everybody in Naigaria has become a kleptomaniac. Some of the political parties however pretend to be saints when they are in fact ‘2 horned beasts’. A leader of one of the opposition parties imposed his wife on his people as a Senator, has his children in the Eko House of Assembly, has a Newspaper named “THEIR NATIONAL”, has a Television station called ‘Tele Vision Cable. He has no ascertainable source of income but yet he is a very wealthy man.

One of his closest associates is a Governor that has moustache like a cheap ileya ram called ‘Gisoro’ while he imposed one called Waji Oluwashola as Governor of Eko State. Mr Oluwashola is known for his hatred for the poor. Whenever he wants to close a market and the traders refuse, the market would be burnt down one way or the other and it would be blamed on the devil.

As I was saying jare, things haven’t improved in Naigaria PLC. A clueless looking man is now President and people are stealing money under him. People are however stealing money under the states controlled by the Association of Corrupt Nigerians (ACN) too. Infact, people steal money from under ALL the caucuses. One of the caucuses called CPC (Chop make Person Chop) controls only one state in the country. Not too long ago, students from the university owned by the state went on protest because their Governor had either forgotten or refused to provide them with pipe borne water. While they were protesting, they were shot by soldiers.

That caucus (CPC) is at the forefront of those that want to rescue Naigaria from the claws of the evil PDP. And yet, they can’t control the one state that rule well.

As the story goes, these others caucuses are finding it difficult to chase PDP from the post of Managing Director. They want to enjoy what the PDP is enjoying too. Like what Yaribas call ‘APAPO ELEIYE’ (Gathering of the witches), these caucuses met and decided that they should form a merger and chase the PDP from power. The money they are stealing isn’t enough for them, they need more and the PDP has to go.

Politicians from the PDP who have had their hands removed from the ‘National’ cake suddenly became political activists and crossed to the Association for Corrupt Nigerians (ACN). One of them’s name is like that of a popular milk called DANO. He is an activist and yet rides a BENTLEY of 65 MILLION Naira (Executive Activism). We also have many like him who after leaving the PDP suddenly became afflicted with ‘selective’ myopia!

The run-away thieves from the PDP, the party headed by that Yoruba man who is very rich but shouldn’t be questioned, people from Chop make Person Chop, Association for Nurturing Private Pockets suddenly came together to form a MEGA caucus called APC. Whilst some said APC means Another Problem Coming, others said it means Area People’s Congress. I think It is called Association for Progressive Corruption.

And so the story ends, the APC (thieves) wants to chase the PDP (thieves) from the post of Managing Director of Naigaria and their intention is not the quest to make Naigaria better but GREED. They want to enjoy what the PDP is enjoying.

Now that the story is over, I haven’t stopped wondering. We know those PDP people are BAD but are those in the APC better? All the vices the PDP have been accused of committing, the APC are also guilty of. Are we to trust a party led by a man who was Governor of a state of 2 terms, already a godfather in that state and has BILLIONS I can only dream about after going to bed hungry?

Are we to trust a party filled with AGIPS (Any Government in Power)? People who would praise you as long as you can ‘feed’ them but would turn out to be your worst enemies the moment you remove their hands from the pot of soup? One of them named Tom Ikimi was a close friend to General Sani Abacha. This man was close to that dictator and performed ‘deeds’ on his behalf. Now, he has become a born again democrat. Do things work that way?

Are we so cheap that a man who was once Chairman of PDP Audu Ogbeh is the same person drafting the manifesto for the APC? Isn’t he seeking for relevance? Are we going to be hoodwinked?

I have had my heart broken once. Would I trust a girl who has a history of breaking hearts to come and mend my heart for me? Of course not! Once beaten, twice shy!!

The door of your house is faulty, would you call a thief to mend it for you? Can you trust a ‘Born again’ Armed Robber to come mend it for you? Is your house safe with him? Would I entrust my daughter in the hands of a teacher who is a known ‘randy man’ to be her tutor?

So fellow Nigerians, we are in a tight corner. Who do we go with, the Thieves (PDP) or the ‘Conglomerate of thieves’ (APC)? It is like asking me to choose between walking on Bar Beach or dancing Etighi inside raging fire! …

The thought of having to choose between the two gives me acute emotional orgasms…

Till next week, I remain yours…

NB – For Barrister Enikanselu Emmanuel, my Senior at work who advised me to try a satire out.

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