Think back to the last fight you had with your partner. Did you display any of these four behaviours? Picture: Thinkstock
IS it possible to predict whether or not a couple will get divorced?
Psychologists say yes.
Twenty years ago psychologist John Gottman and a team of researchers set out to determine why couples split up.
They recorded 80 married couples talking about a recent disagreement they'd had, the Scientific American reports.
Next the researchers coded the 15 minute conversations to identify all the behaviours the couples displayed when talking, such as defensiveness, anger or humour.
Fast forward 14 years. The researchers kept tabs on which couples were still together and which had divorced. And they noticed that there were four behaviours in particular that could predict which couples would divorce down the line. With 93 per cent accuracy.
1. Contempt
Couples who eventually divorced were twice as likely to express contempt during a disagreement than couples who stayed married. Contempt is described as much stronger than anger – it is anger mixed with disgust. For example talking to you partner like they are beneath you.
2. Criticism
Couples who criticised each other personally were also more likely to get divorced. The criticism went one step beyond complaining about a partner's behaviour to attack them about their personality.
3. Defensiveness
If one person played victim, did not take responsibility for their role in the conflict or tried to prove their partner was "more wrong" than them this was another sign the couple could be headed for divorce.
4. Stonewalling
If during an argument one or both partners switched off from the conversation it was a sign they were headed for divorce. But stonewalling goes beyond simply getting distracted, it often comes with physiological responses like sweating or a sped up heart rate and can be a sign a person is so stressed by a conflict that they just shut it out.
If you are thinking back to the last fight you had with your partner and you're a little worried, all hope is not lost. There are things you can do to deal with the problem behaviours in a healthy way.
Rather than criticise your partner personally, explain why their behaviour is upsetting you.
Instead of getting defensive take responsibility for your role in the conflict.
Build a "culture of appreciation" so partners treat each other with respect not contempt.
And if one person is stonewalling the other, work out if this is because they find the conversation too overwhelming. If so, work on taking deep breathes and calming down to make it easier to have an uncomfortable conversation.
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