Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not remembering our anniversary. Our three week anniversary.
Today, my dad watched his first Lord of the Rings marathon. Now he keeps randomly spouting lines from the movies, and thought it'd be funny to hide in my closet, just to jump out at me while screaming,"My precious!"
Today, I discovered that my 20-year-old son has been using my bras for his jerk-off sessions
Today, after buying 3 new alarm clocks, I finally decided to video tape myself all night to figure out if my alarm clock was broken or if I was oversleeping. Turns out I wake up around 4am each day and turn them off without remembering.
Today, I accidentally hit someone's car while at the supermarket. I left a note, went shopping, and when I came back my windows were shattered, my tires were slashed and"f you"was written on my windshield.
Today, I realised half my underpants were missing. In related news, my slob of a housemate hasn't washed hers in several weeks, and has been stealing mine.
Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to"choke"her like I did last night. I was at work last night.
Today, as I was getting out of my car, an old and obese lady walked up to me and called me an"inconsiderate heartless bitch"for using the last handicap parking spot. I guess she didn't see my wheelchair.