Published on 26 Jul 2013

In the hilarious footage posted on LiveLeak and filmed in Egypt, a heavily 'pregnant' woman is seen grabbing her stomach as she staggers along a seafront promenade. Her partner anxiously tries to hold her up and calls a few men sitting on the wall for assistance as his wife goes into labour. Suddenly, she opens her legs and a small person wearing a nappy with a bald patch emerges from under her dress. The small being - which looks like a baby - then chases the men who have run away in horror at his appearance.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RztwddJku94

lol... i ran away too.

Hello Ms Fibre,

I've just had a read of your short story titled: The Man Within and here's my review.

While attempting to provide a well balanced and positive critique of your work, my overall aim as a writer too, is to be encouraging as well as being helpful, honest and supportive.

Thanks for sharing your work.


* HOW I FELT / EMOTIONS INVOKED:

Hard to say. This piece of writing felt more like a character’s muse or fighting with his inner devils.

* HOW I RELATE TO THE WRITING:

I certainly couldn’t relate to what the main character was going through as this piece seemed geared towards the protagonist’s internal battles with himself - but then, we find out that he was dreaming. It begs the question, “what’s the message being relayed?”

* TITLE:
Not bad, but it could be tweaked a little bit to read: “A Journey of self-discovery” which would be more appropriate.

* STYLE:
Descriptive writing.

* VOICE:
Ms. Fibre, you certainly have your very own unique voice which was strong and evident throughout your piece.

* PLOT:
This story is a narrative monologue based on the main character’s internal battle for self-discovery and drawing upon his inner strength to face the challenges of the real world. At the beginning of the story, we see a man described as a bitter, wandering fugitive who encounters a very old man. Next, the character is found at the roadside, propelled by a beautiful woman to go meet his creator. The character walks to the gates of heaven, meets characters best described as those in the apocalypse / revelations of the bible, and then, we find that he’s been dreaming all along. His wife wakes him up, and picking up his farming equipment, whistles happily to the farm? So what was this all about then? A deep, thought-provoking piece but the ending falls short of expectation.

* CHARACTERS:
~ The protagonist, Ezegamba – a man battling with his inner demons and embarking on a journey of self-discovery.
~ A wizened old man in a forest
~ An angelic lady at the roadside
~ Heavenly entities (angels, etc)
~ His wife

* DIALOGUE:
Very little dialogue used which left a lot of questions, rather than answers. The dialogue wasn’t engaging and left a lot to be desired.

* TIME / PLACE / SCENE/SETTING:
Somewhere in Africa. Obviously in Igbo land but there’s no indication of when (time) or what era this occurred. Most of the character’s journey happen in his head.

* MY LIKES:

A fairly good grasp of the English language, but a lot more can be achieved through constant reading and practicing. A lot of effort was obviously put into this piece, despite the extensive grammatical errors, but these can be easily worked upon.

* MY DISLIKES:

Too much narrative which bordered more on ‘telling’ rather than showing. I found myself itching to get to the ‘action’ bits of the story. I also wasn’t keen on the transition of event – wandering in the forest, to finding himself in the heavens with singing harps, violins, and trumpeting angles, and then back on earth only to discover he was asleep.

You also need to work on your dialogues to get your reader involved in your story.

* MY FAVOURITE LINE(S)

He turned to see his ever loving wife holding a mud lamp and peering into his face. He stood up gently, hearing the melody of his sister’s voice. She had already begun her morning chores of sweeping the compound. He looked at his keg of almost empty palmwine and smiled. His staff lay close to the keg. He picked the keg, the staff and collected a hug from his wife before going outside to the morning cold. He walked to the backyard, picked up his climbing rope, which he slung around his shoulder, and cutlass.

* AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

~ He looked into the piercing sunlight, shading his eyes as the rays fell into his pupil

You don’t look into the sunlight. You’ll go blind if you do. The word ‘piercing’ in that opening statement is redundant because it’s implied anyway. We all know that the rays of the sunlight are harsh, so there’s no need to tell us that. Additionally, the rays don’t ‘fall’ into one’s pupil. Unless your character is a one-eyed person, it should be ‘pupils’ and not ‘pupil’. It’s also important that you learn to start your sentences with stronger, active verbs. “Looked” is a weak verb and doesn’t do much for the imagination compared to “blinked” which gives your reader a stronger, visual image. So, rather than say: He looked into …”

Your opening sentence would be better written as: He blinked against the harsh sunlight, shading his eyes from the intense rays…

~ The trees had turned to his bed at night, the whispering crickets and noisy owls his companions for bed time.

Crickets don’t whisper, they chirp. It’s also no good telling us that the owls are noisy. What sort of noises do they make? They hoot. Finally, the ending phrase ‘for bed time’ is redundant as you’ve already mentioned these activities happen at night.
The sentence will read better as: “Using the trees for his bed at night, the chirruping crickets and hooting owls kept him company…” or something along those lines. Again, you’ll notice I’ve used an active verb opening for this sentence as opposed to a weaker, passive, opening which utilizes the word ‘had’. Try to reduce it’s overall usage, except in situations where the narrative is in the past.

~ “Croak”, the noise jolted him. He had to quickly grab a branch, stopping himself from slipping. What a frog had come to do so high up on a tree confounded his reasoning. His eyes opened to the darkness whose thickness made a Man unable to see his nose. It was more like he was sleeping but this time his breath had taken an irregular pattern. He wished he had a source of light with him. At least he would be able to chase the darkness away.

No, no, no – too many things wrong with this paragraph. Firstly, we (your readers) know that ‘croak’ is a noise made by frogs, so there’s no need to tell us that it’s a noise. Secondly, in your next sentence, you mix your verb tenses. Try sticking to one for the sake of consistency. Had (past), stopping (present), slipping (present). Also, try cutting down on ‘ly’ adverbs which do nothing to add to your write up. If ditching them won’t detract from the meaning of your sentence, then you really don’t need them. Shakespeare once mentioned that every single word used in his works counted and none could be taken without affecting the meaning. This is something we all as writers should aspire for – to make every word used, count. This way, your prose would be tighter, and more effective.

The paragraph could be better rephrased as: “A nearby croak broke his reverie, jolting him back to the present as he grabbed a nearby branch to maintain his balance. Peering into the blackness of the night, he expelled a shaky breath, wondering what a frog could be doing so high up on a tree. If only he had some light with him; to chase the darkness away …”

~ He heard a movement of leaves and tweaking of branches which made him freeze in expectation.

Again you’re telling us. We know that leaves move! You’ve got to give your readers some credence for intelligence as they prefer working things out for themselves, rather than being spoon-fed which can come across a being quite insultive. Your readers need to be involved, engaged and deeply engrossed in your story – and getting them to work things out for themselves is one way to achieve this. To do otherwise will make them lose focus and get bored easily with your write-up.

This line can be better written as: “The slight rustle of leaves and snapping branches made him freeze in expectation…” Again, notice how I’ve used ‘rustle’ as opposed to ‘movement’ and ‘snapping’ instead of ‘tweaking’. These give a stronger visual image, don’t they? The trick to achieving his is to look up the synonyms of words as an alternative. This will help increase your vocabulary and show that you took the time and effort to make your work look polished.

~ “What would a living soul with fresh blood stained with bitterness be doing so deep in the jungle?” a croaky voice asked. It was accompanied by the same croaking sound that had startled him. It seemed the owner of the voice had a bad cough which sounded like a croak.

Overuse of a word (croak) takes away your intended meaning to the reader and eventually becomes a distraction. Look for an alternative. The ending phrase, “which sounded like a croak” is redundant. You’ve told us about the croaking sound several times. No need to keep repeating it.

~ I am a Man who had been wronged
“I’m a man who’s been wronged…” (Don’t be afraid to use contractions {I’m / who’s / aren’t and so on} in your sentences, especially for direct speech.)

~ His eyes had gotten accustomed to the darkness but his nose still was the only thing he could see.
Although his eyes were only just getting accustomed to the darkness, he still couldn’t see past his nose.

~ He looked upward, hoping to catch a view of the person or creature
He looked up, hoping to catch sight of the person or creature

~ even the sky which peaked from an opening of leaves
even the sky which peaked through the leaves’ opening
(There is more than one opening through the leaves. Notice also that I’ve used the possessive plural form – leaves’)

~ He lifted it gently, using it to part the leaves directly in front of him, the same place the movement stopped. He saw the creature.

Gently lifting it, he parted the leaves directly ahead of him at the exact same spot from where the movement ceased. Then he saw it. (note: the phrase ‘Then he saw it.’ gives the end of your sentence a much more dramatic effect than simply saying, “He saw the creature.”

~ The creature appeared to be hung upside down as its long hair creased down its face. Its face had deep etches of aging, eyes deep blue and lips pale pink, wrinkled at the edges. Only a head turned upside down with the dark night hiding the rest of his body. It was the face of a Man, a very old Man with long grey hairs. The sight sent shivers down his spine. It was his first encounter with the extraordinary.

I find this paragraph very unbelievable and illogical. If the creature’s hanging upside down with it’s long hair falling past its face, how then is your character able to discern its (very specific) facial features, bearing in mind it’s so dark, he can hardly see past his own nose? You also say, only a head turned upside down. A head – so how many heads has this creature got? Replace ‘a head’ with ‘the head’.
You need to tighten up the flow of your descriptions, or rather, finish describing a particular feature before moving to the next. Here, you start off describing the creature’s face, then you tell us it’s a wrinkled old man, then you go back to describing his features (hair). This gives the impression of disjointed / illogical flow of your sentences. And finally, never leave your readers hanging in expectation from ending your sentences with clauses such as “It was his first encounter with the extra-ordinary.” Extra ordinary what?

~ He was scared, his hairs stood at attention like a magnetic surface was attracting them while his lips trembled in confusion. This was more than he had bargained for. His eyes were locked to that of the creature whose eyes seemed to be digging into the inner part of his soul.

When describing a character’s feeling of fear, make it as realistic as possible by engaging the reader’s five sensory organs (sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste). Don’t tell me he was scared! Prove to me that he was scared. What made him scared? You could reword that paragraph to read thus:

With hairs standing on end at the back of his neck, he felt the icy cold grip of fear trickle down his spine as the deafening sound of his pounding heart threatened to overcome his senses. Unable to tear his gaze from the deep, unfathomable depths of the creature’s stare, boring into the very depths of his soul, he licked his suddenly dry lips as the bitter taste of fear welled up in his mouth. Gripping his stick with clammy fingers, in a vain attempt to comfort himself, he …

See? Without telling the reader that the character was scared, the description above leaves them in no doubt as to how frightened he really was.

* MEMORABLE WRITING:
This bit really stood out for me:

“The man had gotten to the king who was standing in front of a giant mirror. He looked at his reflection on the mirror and was shocked to see he had the same countenance as the king. For once, his questions were all answered without his asking.”

A deep, thought-provoking piece, laden with meaning and a good moral lesson which is: sometimes, the answers we seek lie within us. We only need to take a closer look.

* ADDITIONAL COMMENTS:
It’s easy to see that you’ve got potential here. With a bit more practice, you’ll be well on your way there, girl. Just make sure you keep on writing, writing, and writing some more!

Wishing you all the best and keep up the good work! Well done.

Cheers,
Efe.


OMG!!!

This is so funny! Fancy seeing grown men "take off" at the sight of a baby!

Nice 1 @OP, thanks for sharing...

OLAADEGBU:



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RztwddJku94

hakunajay:


lol... i ran away too.

Did you?

EfemenaXY:
Hello Ms Fibre,

I've just had a read of your short story titled: The Man Within and here's my review.

While attempting to provide a well balanced and positive critique of your work, my overall aim as a writer too, is to be encouraging as well as being helpful, honest and supportive.

Thanks for sharing your work.


* HOW I FELT / EMOTIONS INVOKED:

Hard to say. This piece of writing felt more like a character’s muse or fighting with his inner devils.

* HOW I RELATE TO THE WRITING:

I certainly couldn’t relate to what the main character was going through as this piece seemed geared towards the protagonist’s internal battles with himself - but then, we find out that he was dreaming. It begs the question, “what’s the message being relayed?”

* TITLE:
Not bad, but it could be tweaked a little bit to read: “A Journey of self-discovery” which would be more appropriate.

* STYLE:
Descriptive writing.

* VOICE:
Ms. Fibre, you certainly have your very own unique voice which was strong and evident throughout your piece.

* PLOT:
This story is a narrative monologue based on the main character’s internal battle for self-discovery and drawing upon his inner strength to face the challenges of the real world. At the beginning of the story, we see a man described as a bitter, wandering fugitive who encounters a very old man. Next, the character is found at the roadside, propelled by a beautiful woman to go meet his creator. The character walks to the gates of heaven, meets characters best described as those in the apocalypse / revelations of the bible, and then, we find that he’s been dreaming all along. His wife wakes him up, and picking up his farming equipment, whistles happily to the farm? So what was this all about then? A deep, thought-provoking piece but the ending falls short of expectation.

* CHARACTERS:
~ The protagonist, Ezegamba – a man battling with his inner demons and embarking on a journey of self-discovery.
~ A wizened old man in a forest
~ An angelic lady at the roadside
~ Heavenly entities (angels, etc)
~ His wife

* DIALOGUE:
Very little dialogue used which left a lot of questions, rather than answers. The dialogue wasn’t engaging and left a lot to be desired.

* TIME / PLACE / SCENE/SETTING:
Somewhere in Africa. Obviously in Igbo land but there’s no indication of when (time) or what era this occurred. Most of the character’s journey happen in his head.

* MY LIKES:

A fairly good grasp of the English language, but a lot more can be achieved through constant reading and practicing. A lot of effort was obviously put into this piece, despite the extensive grammatical errors, but these can be easily worked upon.

* MY DISLIKES:

Too much narrative which bordered more on ‘telling’ rather than showing. I found myself itching to get to the ‘action’ bits of the story. I also wasn’t keen on the transition of event – wandering in the forest, to finding himself in the heavens with singing harps, violins, and trumpeting angles, and then back on earth only to discover he was asleep.

You also need to work on your dialogues to get your reader involved in your story.

* MY FAVOURITE LINE(S)

He turned to see his ever loving wife holding a mud lamp and peering into his face. He stood up gently, hearing the melody of his sister’s voice. She had already begun her morning chores of sweeping the compound. He looked at his keg of almost empty palmwine and smiled. His staff lay close to the keg. He picked the keg, the staff and collected a hug from his wife before going outside to the morning cold. He walked to the backyard, picked up his climbing rope, which he slung around his shoulder, and cutlass.

* AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

~ He looked into the piercing sunlight, shading his eyes as the rays fell into his pupil

You don’t look into the sunlight. You’ll go blind if you do. The word ‘piercing’ in that opening statement is redundant because it’s implied anyway. We all know that the rays of the sunlight are harsh, so there’s no need to tell us that. Additionally, the rays don’t ‘fall’ into one’s pupil. Unless your character is a one-eyed person, it should be ‘pupils’ and not ‘pupil’. It’s also important that you learn to start your sentences with stronger, active verbs. “Looked” is a weak verb and doesn’t do much for the imagination compared to “blinked” which gives your reader a stronger, visual image. So, rather than say: He looked into …”

Your opening sentence would be better written as: He blinked against the harsh sunlight, shading his eyes from the intense rays…

~ The trees had turned to his bed at night, the whispering crickets and noisy owls his companions for bed time.

Crickets don’t whisper, they chirp. It’s also no good telling us that the owls are noisy. What sort of noises do they make? They hoot. Finally, the ending phrase ‘for bed time’ is redundant as you’ve already mentioned these activities happen at night.
The sentence will read better as: “Using the trees for his bed at night, the chirruping crickets and hooting owls kept him company…” or something along those lines. Again, you’ll notice I’ve used an active verb opening for this sentence as opposed to a weaker, passive, opening which utilizes the word ‘had’. Try to reduce it’s overall usage, except in situations where the narrative is in the past.

~ “Croak”, the noise jolted him. He had to quickly grab a branch, stopping himself from slipping. What a frog had come to do so high up on a tree confounded his reasoning. His eyes opened to the darkness whose thickness made a Man unable to see his nose. It was more like he was sleeping but this time his breath had taken an irregular pattern. He wished he had a source of light with him. At least he would be able to chase the darkness away.

No, no, no – too many things wrong with this paragraph. Firstly, we (your readers) know that ‘croak’ is a noise made by frogs, so there’s no need to tell us that it’s a noise. Secondly, in your next sentence, you mix your verb tenses. Try sticking to one for the sake of consistency. Had (past), stopping (present), slipping (present). Also, try cutting down on ‘ly’ adverbs which do nothing to add to your write up. If ditching them won’t detract from the meaning of your sentence, then you really don’t need them. Shakespeare once mentioned that every single word used in his works counted and none could be taken without affecting the meaning. This is something we all as writers should aspire for – to make every word used, count. This way, your prose would be tighter, and more effective.

The paragraph could be better rephrased as: “A nearby croak broke his reverie, jolting him back to the present as he grabbed a nearby branch to maintain his balance. Peering into the blackness of the night, he expelled a shaky breath, wondering what a frog could be doing so high up on a tree. If only he had some light with him; to chase the darkness away …”

~ He heard a movement of leaves and tweaking of branches which made him freeze in expectation.

Again you’re telling us. We know that leaves move! You’ve got to give your readers some credence for intelligence as they prefer working things out for themselves, rather than being spoon-fed which can come across a being quite insultive. Your readers need to be involved, engaged and deeply engrossed in your story – and getting them to work things out for themselves is one way to achieve this. To do otherwise will make them lose focus and get bored easily with your write-up.

This line can be better written as: “The slight rustle of leaves and snapping branches made him freeze in expectation…” Again, notice how I’ve used ‘rustle’ as opposed to ‘movement’ and ‘snapping’ instead of ‘tweaking’. These give a stronger visual image, don’t they? The trick to achieving his is to look up the synonyms of words as an alternative. This will help increase your vocabulary and show that you took the time and effort to make your work look polished.

~ “What would a living soul with fresh blood stained with bitterness be doing so deep in the jungle?” a croaky voice asked. It was accompanied by the same croaking sound that had startled him. It seemed the owner of the voice had a bad cough which sounded like a croak.

Overuse of a word (croak) takes away your intended meaning to the reader and eventually becomes a distraction. Look for an alternative. The ending phrase, “which sounded like a croak” is redundant. You’ve told us about the croaking sound several times. No need to keep repeating it.

~ I am a Man who had been wronged
“I’m a man who’s been wronged…” (Don’t be afraid to use contractions {I’m / who’s / aren’t and so on} in your sentences, especially for direct speech.)

~ His eyes had gotten accustomed to the darkness but his nose still was the only thing he could see.
Although his eyes were only just getting accustomed to the darkness, he still couldn’t see past his nose.

~ He looked upward, hoping to catch a view of the person or creature
He looked up, hoping to catch sight of the person or creature

~ even the sky which peaked from an opening of leaves
even the sky which peaked through the leaves’ opening
(There is more than one opening through the leaves. Notice also that I’ve used the possessive plural form – leaves’)

~ He lifted it gently, using it to part the leaves directly in front of him, the same place the movement stopped. He saw the creature.

Gently lifting it, he parted the leaves directly ahead of him at the exact same spot from where the movement ceased. Then he saw it. (note: the phrase ‘Then he saw it.’ gives the end of your sentence a much more dramatic effect than simply saying, “He saw the creature.”

~ The creature appeared to be hung upside down as its long hair creased down its face. Its face had deep etches of aging, eyes deep blue and lips pale pink, wrinkled at the edges. Only a head turned upside down with the dark night hiding the rest of his body. It was the face of a Man, a very old Man with long grey hairs. The sight sent shivers down his spine. It was his first encounter with the extraordinary.

I find this paragraph very unbelievable and illogical. If the creature’s hanging upside down with it’s long hair falling past its face, how then is your character able to discern its (very specific) facial features, bearing in mind it’s so dark, he can hardly see past his own nose? You also say, only a head turned upside down. A head – so how many heads has this creature got? Replace ‘a head’ with ‘the head’.
You need to tighten up the flow of your descriptions, or rather, finish describing a particular feature before moving to the next. Here, you start off describing the creature’s face, then you tell us it’s a wrinkled old man, then you go back to describing his features (hair). This gives the impression of disjointed / illogical flow of your sentences. And finally, never leave your readers hanging in expectation from ending your sentences with clauses such as “It was his first encounter with the extra-ordinary.” Extra ordinary what?

~ He was scared, his hairs stood at attention like a magnetic surface was attracting them while his lips trembled in confusion. This was more than he had bargained for. His eyes were locked to that of the creature whose eyes seemed to be digging into the inner part of his soul.

When describing a character’s feeling of fear, make it as realistic as possible by engaging the reader’s five sensory organs (sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste). Don’t tell me he was scared! Prove to me that he was scared. What made him scared? You could reword that paragraph to read thus:

With hairs standing on end at the back of his neck, he felt the icy cold grip of fear trickle down his spine as the deafening sound of his pounding heart threatened to overcome his senses. Unable to tear his gaze from the deep, unfathomable depths of the creature’s stare, boring into the very depths of his soul, he licked his suddenly dry lips as the bitter taste of fear welled up in his mouth. Gripping his stick with clammy fingers, in a vain attempt to comfort himself, he …

See? Without telling the reader that the character was scared, the description above leaves them in no doubt as to how frightened he really was.

* MEMORABLE WRITING:
This bit really stood out for me:

“The man had gotten to the king who was standing in front of a giant mirror. He looked at his reflection on the mirror and was shocked to see he had the same countenance as the king. For once, his questions were all answered without his asking.”

A deep, thought-provoking piece, laden with meaning and a good moral lesson which is: sometimes, the answers we seek lie within us. We only need to take a closer look.

* ADDITIONAL COMMENTS:
It’s easy to see that you’ve got potential here. With a bit more practice, you’ll be well on your way there, girl. Just make sure you keep on writing, writing, and writing some more!

Wishing you all the best and keep up the good work! Well done.

Cheers,
Efe.


OMG!!!

This is so funny! Fancy seeing grown men "take off" at the sight of a baby!

Nice 1 @OP, thanks for sharing...

Thanks for spamming this thread. It is well.