Many people were surprised when Pope Francis appeared to set a new tone on the church’s relationship with gays, telling reporters, “If homosexuals accept the Lord and have goodwill, who am I to judge them? They shouldn’t be marginalized.”

In a church that continues to hold homosexual behavior to be a sin, his remarks on July 29 have left many local parish priests, the Catholic Church’s boots on the ground, wondering how to mesh his comments with their experiences in Rhode Island, which has just legalized gay marriage and where a startling number of Catholics now believe it’s OK for a couple to live together without getting married.

“When I was in seminary, these issues weren’t even on the radar,” says the Rev. David Thurber, pastor of St. Teresa of the Child Jesus Parish in Pawtucket, who was ordained in 2008. The Rev. John E. Unsworth, who was ordained in 1976 and is now pastor of St. Bernard Parish in North Kingstown, agrees. “Of course, when I was in seminary,” says the Wickford priest, “they didn’t teach us how to balance a checkbook, either.”

Some of the topical questions facing priests now: Should they deny communion to an unmarried couple who lives together? Should they tell gay couples that their lives are disordered and they should refrain from Communion or go elsewhere? Or should they welcome the couples with open and forgiving arms?

Interviews with Catholic priests around the state suggest most have a good idea as to what to say or do, even while they may disagree among themselves about the best approach. Most, however, are inclined toward following the lead of the new pope, even when they feel they must “speak the truth in love.”

Today, Father Thurber says he understands that “everyone is in a different spot in their place with God,” and so he tries to meet people where they are. When couples who have been living together come to see him about getting married, he says, he extends “an open arm of welcome” and leaves the question as to whether they should receive communion to their consciences and to God.

“I am not in the business of denying Communion,” he says flatly. “As Pope Francis said, it’s not fair to judge. I preach the Gospel, and whoever hears it, hears it.” But when he was asked what he would tell gay couples who request Communion, Father Thurber said he would tell them to take that question to the bishop.

Father Unsworth said he could not remember when a gay couple had come to speak with him about their situation, though he does find himself speaking about cohabitation frequently — usually after he finds that the man and woman preparing for marriage have the same address.

After praising their “courageous decision” to commit to marriage, Father Unsworth says, he tries to remind them that the “standard for moral behavior” is for sexual activity to take place within a marriage so that “God’s procreative work” can continue through them. “It’s the best way to raise a child.”

And if he were to see the couple coming up the Communion line, still unmarried? “I’m not going to stop them. I don’t know if they went to confession that afternoon, and besides, I’m not going to make judgments. We never know the heart of another person unless they share it with us.

“If I were speaking to a gay couple, I would tell them we cannot recognize them as married but they are welcome to come to church. That’s what the Holy Father means when he says we don’t make judgments. We make it possible for them to continue practicing.” Father Unsworth said people should know there is no church rule that says children of same-sex couples can’t be baptized. The sexual orientation of the parents is irrelevant, he says. But the church does not allow gays who are not celibate to serve as godparents.

The Rev. Raymond N. Suriani, pastor of St. Pius X Church in Westerly, says he would tell gay and cohabiting couples the same thing he tells everybody: “If they are in a state of serious sin, they shouldn’t receive Communion. That’s not just me saying it. It’s what the Scriptures say.” And he wouldn’t hesitate, he says, to tell gay couples what the church teaches about s*xuality. “I have to help them form their consciences properly. The challenge is to speak the truth in love. What they do with that knowledge is up to them as human beings who will one day stand before God.”

The Rev. Paul Desmarais, pastor of St. Mary Church in Charlestown, says he also usually discovers that a couple have been living together when they come to him with wedding plans. It’s then, he says, that he’ll remind them that “they are living in sin, and the first thing they need to do is confess that.” He also suggests that one of them move out while they continue the wedding plans. Couples are more ready to accept his advice when they have a good relationship with him and feel they can be open with him, he finds. “We can’t slam the door in their face, but try to help them see what the church expects of them.”

The Rev. Charles R. Grondin, pastor of Blessed Sacrament Parish in Providence, said that when he speaks to cohabiting couples, his focus is on getting them back to Mass. “I don’t spend a lot of time talking about fornication. That horse has already left the barn.” Nor does he try to pick out the people in his parish he thinks may be gay or cohabiting. “There’s nothing to be gained trying to investigate people’s lives for no reason. That would be an endless black hole.”

He also sees no need to advise certain couples about Communion, since the rules for all are already spelled out in the church’s missalette. Any Catholic who is in “serious sin” is not to go to Communion until his sins have been forgiven in confession, the rules say. Father Grodin added that in his 10 years as a priest, no one has approached him to tell him he or she is in a gay relationship and to ask if it would be OK to receive communion. His answer, he says, would be no. “But I couldn’t conceive of why anyone would say that to me unless it was to be provocative.”

[b]And to provoke is what some believe was a motivating factor in a reported incident involving Lew Pryeor, a gay-marriage supporter who ran for the state Senate in 2012, and the Rev. Brian Sistare, the recently named pastor of Sacred Heart Parish in Woonsocket. Neither Sistare nor Pryeor could be reached for comment, but they have exchanged volleys over the Internet, with Pryeor saying that Father Sistare was the first priest to tell him he could not receive Communion because he and his husband were married in Canada seven years ago. Father Sistare, he says in Facebook postings, is more a politician than priest who should be removed because of his attacks on Governor Chafee and other Democrats who have supported gay marriage. Father Sistare, for his part, wrote in a blog titled “Proud to be Catholic”: “Being a Catholic priest faithful to the teachings of Jesus Christ, … I’m considered ‘intolerant’ when I stand up for these Teachings, especially when it comes to the protection of innocent life in the womb or preserving the sacredness of marriage between one man and one woman.[/b]

Yet the same people who accuse the Catholic Church for being intolerant usually are the most intolerant themselves.” The Rev. Roman Manchester, pastor of Our Lady of Good Help in Burrillville, said he too has spoken from the pulpit against gay marriage and learned that he’s lost some parishioners because of it. He says he wishes that those who slipped away had taken a different approach, one used by two other active parishioners who struggled with what he had to say and decided to speak to him. “They came to me, and we had a very good discussion. I can’t say they agreed with me, but they are still active in the parish. I wish more people would do that. I’d like to hear from people who disagree. I don’t bite.” On cohabitation, Father Manchester says he will tell a couple it is a mortal sin for which they need to confess and receive forgiveness.

He’ll also recommend that a couple separate until they are married but says he wouldn’t ask that of a couple who’s been living together for many years and has children. “In that case, I’d ask that they abstain from sexual relations until they are married. I think most of the couples are willing to accept that.” [b]Roman Catholic Bishop Thomas J. Tobin said Tuesday that there are probably as many opinions among the priests of the Diocese of Providence as there are priests, but he generally trusts that pastors who know their people will make the right decisions. [/b]http://www.providencejournal.com/breaking-news/content/20130817-r.i.-priests-try-to-interpret-popes-remarks-on-gays.ece