Baby give it to me tonight, tonight; I’m going crazy tonight, tonight; let me be your pastor, yes, your pastor tonight; I want to graze your pasture, your pasture…o ya limpopo, baby baby limpopo, I say make you limpopo…’

‘Chei, these people have played into your hands! I will not hear the last of this matter. ‘

‘Heheheheheeheh! I don laff tire. This is a true case of Laff Wan Burst My Belle LWBMB. I haven’t witnessed a more ludicrous thing in my life, I swear!’

‘I don’t really think it is funny. You and those Naija Twitter people just like making a mountain out of a molehill. Our concern should be about helping a distraught young woman find closure and her self esteem again, not ridiculing her.’

‘Closure? Isn’t that rather late in the day? She should have thought about closure when opening her laps for the man of God daily for a whole week. I am not buying any of this medicine after death business, sorry.’

‘Why are you Nigerians so insistent on slut shaming? He was her pastor; he wielded power over her, and not just ordinary power…spiritual power. He took advantage of her, knowing that she was in a powerless position. We should be talking about his moral degeneration as a man of God, not casting aspersions at the helpless young woman.’

’Ta! Let me hear word jor. What nonsense helplessness? What did she think they were going to do on the open terrace, anointing service? He invited her to sit on his laps under the stars and she accepted. He invited her to kiss him, she accepted, all right under God’s nose on the penthouse terrace. At what point did she become helpless; when he sought permission to remove her bra and pant? An ‘helpless’ young woman, who confessed to have done ‘stuff’ in her life (although not for money, she insists) spends a week in a hotel with a man, has s ex with him daily (multiple rounds, we presume) for a week, without going to her school or place of work (we assume) and you call her helpless? I call her diligent.’

’So you’re saying the pastor did nothing wrong at all? You’re only interested in slut shaming the poor girl?’

’Of course he has betrayed the trust put in him by the church. Of course he has betrayed his wife’s trust. Let his wife deal with him. Let the church deal with him, and let those who find him hypocritical quit his church and say f uck you to his preaching. They wouldn’t die for it and they can find God without his help anyway. But we haven’t seen him writing about how he was tempted by a modern day serpent and fell from grace, have we? Unlike you, I don’t play God. It was s ex between two consenting adults, no more. We have only heard her side of the story; why are we dishing out sentences already? And stop this slut shaming nonsense you’re talking about. She’s not a slut. She shagged her pastor, not a battalion of the Nigerian Army.’

’And that’s all there is to the case, as far as you are concerned, right? I find you morally reprehensible.’

’Thank you, Mrs. Morals. It’s people like you that make nonsense of all the efforts of true feminists over the past half a century. Why can’t she take responsibility for her actions? Why is she playing the silly victim card? Is she a minor? Was she raped? Did he tie a rope to her neck like a goat and dragged her to the church or the hotel? Did he threaten to remove her from the Pastoral Care Unit if she refused his advances? Did you see any form of intimidation? Nonsense. See, here is what happened: She had an affair with her pastor and, perhaps, word got out. Before she’s labeled a slut for having been implanted with a graceful rod while providing pastoral care, she wrote a blog post that contains a largely one-sided story, hoping to appeal to your pity. End of discussion.’

‘She’s trying to find closure after failed attempts with this gigolo of a pastor, don’t you get it?! Do you know what torture she must have gone through, sitting there in the congregation, watching him preach against the things he had done with her? Come on, even you cannot fail to see that this is a desperate young woman trying to find restitution with her God.’

‘B.ullshit. I thought there was a part in the bible where God said he listens to prayers quietly said in the corner of a room, or something like that? That’s where she should have sought restitution with her God, preferably on her knees. At least she would be putting her knees to better use this time. This need to go public is bull crap and you know it.’

‘I shouldn’t be surprised actually. This is a typical reaction from a Nigerian male; it is always the woman’s fault. Forgive me for thinking you were better than this.’

‘Thank you. But I haven’t blamed her for anything, have I? And unlike you, I haven’t insinuated that she’s a slut. Anyway, I am going to invoke the FOI Bill and demand for the juicy details she left out of her sob story.’

’Like what exactly do you want to know?’

‘Like: what’s the sum total of the rounds of s ex they had in that hotel for a week? Was Pastor Bio Bio able to get it up all by himself numerous times daily (if yes, what kind of anointing is responsible for that?) or did he need assistance, say Viagra? How many areas of the suite were employed incoital contorsia cumkuncum during the week: bed/shower/table/chair/floor/wall/wardrobe/burglary proof/ceiling? And what positions; was it missionary all through, seeing that Pastor Bio is a MAN OF GOD? We need to know these things!’

’Shut up!’

’In fact, I am going to book an interview with Pastor Bio tomorrow. I shall publish the interview next week; I want to hear from the horse’s mouth, seeing that it’s likely not only a mouth he shares with a horse.’

‘God in heaven!’

’First of all, go down low…farabale ko gba graceful rod; abi o dayan mo? O mo Pastor Goody Goody? I say go down low, farabale ko gba graceful rod…


By Chris Ihidero
http://thenet.ng/2013/08/chris-ihidero-unedited-implanting-pastoral-care-with-a-graceful-rod/?utm_source=&utm_medium=facebook