See What He Did To His Landlord http://www.njuwo.com/2016/03/see-what-he-did-to-his-landlord.html

Patient: Doctor, how can I live to be a hundred?

Doctor: Well, I suggest you give up eating rich food and going out with women.

Patient: And then will I live to be a hundred?

Doctor: No - but it will seem like it.

Patient: Doctor, doctor! I've swallowed a spoon. [155 more words] http://www.njuwo.com/2016/03/nigerian-patients-and-doctors-episode-1.html

I walked into a Doctor's office and the receptionist asked me what I had. I said, "Shingles."
So she took down my name, address, medical insurance number and told me to have a seat.
A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked me what I had. I said, "Shingles." So she took down my height, weight, a complete medical history and told me to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked me what I had. I said, "Shingles." [205 more words] http://www.njuwo.com/2016/03/nigeria-patients-and-doctors-episode-2.html

POP stars of the 90's today , some not changed alot
http://www.smstv.org/fotogalerija/fotogalerija/364

Guy: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.

Friend: And did he?

Guy: Yes, I had to sell my car to pay the bill.


Man (On Phone): Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade.

Doctor: Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?

Man: Yes, I shaved with the electric razor.


Doctor: Are you an organ donor? [360 more words] http://www.njuwo.com/2016/03/nigeria-patients-and-doctors-episode-3.html

Year 1: The girl gets into the university with the feeling that she has arrived. Everyboy toasts her. She starts singing, "Should I say yes, Should I say nooo".
Year 2: She is the talk of the campus and every guy wants to have a ball with her. She feels on top of the world. She starts singing, "Let's go dancing, uh la la la."
Year 3: She has been used and dumped by campus boys. She sees them as flirts and players. She starts singing, "It must have been love, but its over now". [179 more words] http://www.njuwo.com/2016/03/diary-of-nigerian-girl-from-her-first.html

"How to Keep a Woman Happy"
It's not difficult. All you have to do is to be:

1. A friend

2. A companion

3. A lover

4. A brother

5. A father

6. A master

7. A chef

8. An electrician

9. A carpenter

10. A plumber

11. A mechanic

12. A decorator

13. A stylist

14. A sexologist

15. A gynecologist

16. A psychologist

17. A pest exterminator

18. A psychiatrist

19. A healer

20. A good listener

21. An organiser

22. A good father

23. Be very neat

24. Sympathetic

25. Athletic

26. Warm

27. Attentive

28. Gallant

29. Intelligent

30. Funny

31. Creative

32. Tender

33. Strong

34. Understanding

35. Tolerant

36. Prudent

37. Ambitious

38. Capable

39. Courageous

40. Determined

41. True

42. Dependable

43. Passionate . . . .
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly

45. Love shopping

46. Be honest

47. Be very rich

48. Don't stress her out

49. Don't look at other girls . . . .
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little for yourself

51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes . . . . IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget: *birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes.

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY!!!: [130 more words] http://www.njuwo.com/2016/03/how-to-keep-woman-happy-and-how-to-make.html

One day while Junior's dad was just getting out of the shower, Junior looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?" "Oh Junior, that's my nerve and yours will be this big one of these days," replied Junior's dad.
The next day while in school, Junior really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Aunty, I really need to go to the bathroom." "No, not yet, there's someone in the bathroom already," said his teacher. Not able to hold it in, Junior walked to the dustbin and started to urinate. [44 more words] http://www.njuwo.com/2016/03/this-is-what-you-get-when-you-lie-to.html

Exams are what 'real' grown-ups use to occupy all those aged between 5 and 25.
As soon as children start school, they are given reading tests, maths quizzes and spelling checks.
Throughout primary school, their ability is constantly monitored with a variety of in-school exams.
Then at a certain age they get exams to tell them if they are clever enough to go to a secondary school, quickly followed by real life qualification exams. Then, slap bang wallop after that, another load of exams are thrown at them. [78 more words] http://www.njuwo.com/2016/03/why-we-write-exams-in-school.html

"Knock, knock!" Mudi was alone in the
house and wasn't
expecting anyone, so he
waited for a last knock
just to be sure that
someone was really at the door. "Knock!" He opened the door and
a very hot lady
walked into his house, as he
closed the door behind
him and looked back to question the lady, the
lady was lying naked on
his couch with a sexy
posture. She stylishly
licked her lips and said,
"Hey handsome, can you teach me how to make
children?" Mudi though shocked,
quickly grasped the woman
by the hand, took her
straight to his room, sat
her on his bed, looked
hastily under his bed, scattered his wardrobe,
looked on top of his
shelve and finally, he shouted with a loud voice,
"Yes! I found it!" He turned back and went
straight to the gorgeous
naked woman on his bed
and handed over his
Biology textbook to her.

njuwo:
Hahahahaha!! I just can't stop laughing. This
is the awkward Truth About some husbands.
A group of men gathered at a church
conference on how to live in a loving
relationship with their wives. The men were
asked, "How many of you love your wife ?" All
the men raised their hands. Then they were
asked, "When was the last time you told your
wife you love her ?" Some men answered
today, some yesterday, majority didn’t
remember. The men were then told to take
their cell phones and send the following text
to their respective wives: I love you,
sweetheart...
Then the men were told to exchange their
phones so one can read the other wife's reply
to the love message.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Have you impregnated someone again
2. That was then, not now
3. You wan borrow money abi?
4. What did you do again? I won’t forgive you
this time.
5. Meaning?
6. Is that a new song?
7. Am I dreaming?
8. If you don’t tell me who this message is
actually for, you will die today!
9. U dis man!! I asked you to stop drinking.
10. Abeg na who be this?

It is true, when i said "I love you and offer some intimate kiss to my GF, she feels uncomfortable and keeps asking me what is the problem and if there is some wrong thing i done to her, God!

One man tries to pass the driving test, and when come to a road test, he saw a board said " Turn left", while he was not sure, then asked his coach, "Turn left now?", coach said" Right", then he failed this test.

Girlfriend whey No fit Sacrifice her bosom for you make you take do blood money, that one nah girlfriend?
mtchwww

12:05am Guy: Insomnia. I can't sleep. 7minutes after (1like, 0comment)

Girl: Insomia. I can't sleep. 3min after (72likes, 84comment) "Hello baby, why are you not sleeping" "Bae, watsup with you. Give me ur num lemme call u" "Sweetheart, what are you thinking about" "Baby, I can't sleep too"

It is thunder that will fire you people. If she can't sleep let her go and drink valium 4!

Girlfriend: Ofego dearie, what are your plans for this Easter?
Me: Same as Jesus. I will disappear on friday and reappear on monday.

I walked into work, and both of my ears were all bandaged up. My boss asked, "What happened to your ears?" I replied, "Yesterday I was ironing my shirt when my phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron." My boss said, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" I said, "Well, I had to call my doctor!"

A secretary received an expensive pen from her boss as a birthday present. Later she sent a text to thank him. The boss' wife read the text, became furious and packed out of the house. The boss was puzzled, he couldn't understand why, until he took his time to read the secretary's text. "Thanks boss your penis very beautiful, I like it so much". WHEN TEXTING, SPACING IS VERY IMPORTANT....

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill of 100,000 Naira. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make this much as a doctor!." The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

A man needing a heart transplant was told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agreed and the doctor transplanted the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man came for a checkup. The doctor asked him, "How are you feeling?" The man replied, "Not BAAAAAAAAD!"

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had by pass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

A man walked into a
doctor's office. He had a
cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a
banana in
his right ear.
"What's the matter with
me?" he asked the doctor.
The doctor replied, "You are not eating
properly?" A SHORT HISTORY OF
MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have
an ear ache." 2000 B.C. -
Here, eat this root.
1000 B.C - That root is
heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is
superstition, drink this
potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is
snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is in effective, take this
antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic
is artificial. Here, eat
this root!
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.
The male doctor asked her to dinner and she accepted. As they sat down at the restaurant, she excused herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing lead to another and they ended up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things got hot, the female doctor interrupted and said she had to go and wash her hands.
Once she came back they went for it. After the sex session, she got up and said she was going to wash her hands.
As she came back the male doctor said, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirmed and asked how he knew.
"Simple, you are always washing your hands."
She then said, "I bet you are an anesthesiologist."
He exclaimed, "Wow, how did you know?"
She replied, "I didn't feel anything."

I tried to follow my doctor's advice and give up smoking cigarettes and try chewing
gum instead - but the matches kept getting stuck and the gum wouldn't light. Before I went off to India for my easter holiday I asked my doctor how I could
avoid getting a disease from biting insects. He just told me not to bite any. Last tuesday I was in the doctor's waiting room and a young man came in with an expensive watch for the doctor.
'Thank you, thank you, thank you!' said the man, giving the doctor the expensive watch. 'This is a small token of my thanks for all your excellent treatment of my uncle.
'But he died last week.' said the doctor.
'I know, replied the young man. 'Thanks for your treatment I've just inherited one billion naira.'

Happy Easter.

I was sitting
at a river bank when I
saw a cat that had fallen
into the water, tossing
around, trying to save itself from drowning. I decided to save the
cat. I stretched my hand
out but was scratched by
the cat. I pulled my hand
back in pain. However, a minute later
I stretched my hand out
again to save the cat, but
it scratched me again,
and again I pulled my hand back in pain. Another minute later I was again trying for the
third time! A man, who was nearby
watching what was
happening, yelled out: "O wise man, you have not
learned your lesson the
first time, nor the second
time, and now you are
trying to save the cat a
t hird time?" I paid no
heed to that man's
scolding, and kept on
trying until I managed
to save the cat. I then
walked over to the man, and patted his shoulder
saying: "My son. it is in
the cat's nature to scratch,
and it is in my nature to
love and have sympathy.
Why do you want me to let the cat's nature
overcome mine? My son,
treat people according to
your nature, not
according to theirs, no
matter what they are like and no matter how
numerous are their
actions that harm you and
cause you pain
sometimes. And do not
pay heed to all the voices that loudly call out to you
to leave behind your good
qualities merely because
the other party is not
deserving of your noble
actions. Never regret the moments you gave
happiness to someone,
even if that person did not
deserve it.
There's always a blessing
in giving than receiving.

See What A Parachute Seller Told Me

[]

Seller: Buy this parachute and land safely On the ground during emergency.

Me: What if the parachute doesn't open when. Continue reading http://www.njuwo.com/2016/03/see-what-parachute-seller-told-me.html

Seller: Buy this parachute and land safely On the ground during emergency.
Me: What if the parachute doesn't open when needed?
Seller: You will get your money back whenever I See you.

viktagorion:
Keeper or no keeper, the Eagles will trash the Pharaohs like kilode.



Quote me anywhere.

So I quoted u in the joke section.

Last week my friend, Ogoro, was feeling terribly ill so his wife phoned the doctor's office.
"I'm afraid the doctor is busy until 10am friday," said the receptionist.
"But that's three days away! My husband is terribly ill,' pleaded Ogoro's wife. "What if he's dead by then?'
' "Well," replied the receptionist, you can always phone and cancel the appointment."

My newly wedded wife is pregnant and the following conversation ensued:

WIFE: Darling, guess what?

ME: What?

WIFE: I went for the scan today and the scan revealed that I'm pregnant with a set of twins.

ME: Really? Two babies?

WIFE: (Excited) Yes!

ME: So who is the father of the second child?
http://www.njuwo.com/2016/03/who-is-father-of-second-child.html

Wikipedia: I know everything.

Google: I have everything.

Facebook: I know everybody.

Internet: Without me you are all nothing.

Electricity: I will see about that. http://www.njuwo.com/2016/03/the-superior.html

Never marry a Software Testing girl since she always doubts You.

Never marry a DATABASE girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.

Never marry a C girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.

Never marry a C++ girl as yo u may encounter some problems in INHERITANCE.

Never marry a JAVA girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS.
Never marry a VB girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.

Never marry a UNIX girl, she always dump you with a CORE.
Never marry a PASCAL girl, she always scolds you as a rascal.

Never marry a COBOL girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.

Never marry a NETWORK girl since she may be very good in shooting troubles.

Better marry a girl not belonging to SOFTWARE FAMILY.
http://www.njuwo.com/2016/03/why-you-should-not-marry-girl-belonging.html

See The Speech This University Student Gave On His Graduation Day http://www.njuwo.com/2016/03/see-speech-this-university-student-gave.html