Your Thoughts - Family - Nairaland
Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / Your Thoughts (1129 Views)
Do You Believe In Karma? Share Your Thoughts And Experiences. / The Fatoyinbo Dilemma, Your Thoughts..... / iPod, iPad & iPaid - Parents Your Thoughts? (2) (3) (4)
| Your Thoughts by chayooh(f): 11:09am On Aug 29, 2013 |
Dear Nairalanders, Especially married folks is it right for the woman to bear the bulk of the responsibility of bread-winning and making MOST of the purchases in the home while her husband is engaged in full-time employment? Also who comes first to a husband? - his siblings and parents or his wife and children? |
| Re: Your Thoughts by jaybee3(m): 11:14am On Aug 29, 2013 |
Issues about financial management within marriages has been trashed out on this site countless of times. Each relationship is unique and no right or wrong answer to your question. I personally favor a sharing formula where the partner that earns the most pays the larger share of the total expenditure. As for who comes first, your immediate family (your wife/husband and children) comes first. |
| Re: Your Thoughts by Nobody: 11:18am On Aug 29, 2013 |
How did the wife take up that responsibility in the first place? What was the initial arrangement? If you want comprehensive advice give a comprehensive story. |
| Re: Your Thoughts by bellong: 11:23am On Aug 29, 2013 |
You summarized your story, I will also summarize my response.....   Your husband is working full time but you are the de-facto bread winner. I want to assume its your arrangement you agreed to, hence it is right. Who are we to go against a mutual agreement in your home. The question of who comes first to a husband is ambiguous with no straight answer. However in an ideal situation, the immediate family (Wife and children) should come first. |
| Re: Your Thoughts by chayooh(f): 11:44am On Aug 29, 2013 |
Thanks for the responses but there was no agreed formula for sharing responsibilities. Obviously the man is supposed to take most of the responsibility for the expenditure in the home but where he feels he can use "his money" the way he likes and there are children involved what is the woman supposed to do? Sit back and watch the children starve? About the other issue of who comes first, is a husband supposed to give top priority to his siblings above his family especially when those siblings are all graduates and are fit to take up paid employment? Imagine a scenario where a man's unmarried elder bro borrows most things from his married younger bro's house and the wife must not make any input?  |
| Re: Your Thoughts by bellong: 11:49am On Aug 29, 2013 |
^^^ Have you discussed this non-chalant attitude to his home with him? Have you shared your deepest concern about the kids' welfare with him. Although, he needed not be told of his responsibilities but in situation when he is becoming indifferent to tasks at hand, you have to voice out to him rather than dying within. arrange a heart-heart discussion about this issue to finding a compromise in your home's financial matters. |
| Re: Your Thoughts by afrobaby(f): 11:49am On Aug 29, 2013 |
Let's be frank, in an IDEAL situation, it is the husband that is suppose to be the breadwinner, provide fd, clothing , shelter even if the wife earns higher but it is also a fact that there is nothing like IDEAL in marriage, what is IDEAL is determined by the parties involved. Most Nigerian women, especially working class women, tend to want to feel independent, thriving hard to get everything they need without asking their husbands or expecting their husbands to be a mind reader to know what is needed and when he should provide without asking, but my dear,what our men think of, in their little heads is by far greater than them(am referring to resonsible men). wont act as the breadwinner of my family if its killing or making me uncomfortable, act as the helper, let your husband be aware of every tangible needs in the house, ask him for the money and let him be aware of the ones you've already taken care of without being arrogant, (men always want to be in control) and always appreciate the burden he is bearing, afterall he is doing it for 'US'. And to the second question, for any right-sensed man, it is the WIFE AND CHILDREN that comes first, not just first, but first to the tenth, parents and siblings occupies from eleventh position, yes, it sounds selfish, but that is the truth 1 Like |
| Re: Your Thoughts by EveryLadY(f): 11:56am On Aug 29, 2013 |
chayooh: Thanks for the responses but there was no agreed formula for sharing responsibilities. Obviously the man is supposed to take most of the responsibility for the expenditure in the home but where he feels he can use "his money" the way he likes and there are children involved what is the woman supposed to do? Sit back and watch the children starve? Just like in another thread in family section this morning,the first mistake was lack of planning.When u folk were preparing for ur marriage ceremony,u never prepared nor plan for ur marriage.sitting down to plan what will our family look like?what values are we to uphold? What should be our family's priority when more needs are gunning for our limited resources. Assumption deos never help in homes.It's never too late.U can still sit down with hubby to plan about these things.Only u will need enough dose of wisdom and patient this time around. good luck. |
| Re: Your Thoughts by Nobody: 11:57am On Aug 29, 2013 |
Well, this should have been trashed out but it was not done during courtship, so moving forward. 1. I disagree that the man is "Obviously" supposed to take care of everything, It is a joint responsiblity in my opinion and both parties should work out something practical. For starters reduce the things you pay for, Light bills, TV bills and food rations, but talk about it first, don't let him enjoy you taking all the responsibility while he does nothing. 2. You can't make him value you more than his sibblings that is his decision, again these for unmarried couples are things to watch out for, how he presents you to his family and how they accept you. Building your relationship with him should be your priority and not competing with his sibblings. Beacuse you take on so much he will feel free to divert his resources else where same way a man who pays all the bills and some wives will hide and be buying houses while he is toiling to pay house rent. Marriage is team work, marriage does not benefit from one parties selfishness but when both humble themselves and work to the benefit of the home. Pride has no place in love and marraige For future couples good planning is everything, prepare for worst case scenerios and hope for the best but always prepare. Also, remember bitterness, anger and rudeness doesn't do any good, it only hurts he/ she holding those feelings. Talking when tempers are down is a good way to address these issues. |
| Re: Your Thoughts by deols(f): 12:38pm On Aug 29, 2013 |
He thinks you are capable of providing. He got used to it. Some men are father christmas or father to all nation but not to their family. I think issues like this should have been ironed out b4 marriage. I dislike men like this with a passion. Please sit him down and let him see reason why he needs to take care of his family. The wife can start presenting a list of the family need to him every month. |
| Re: Your Thoughts by Nobody: 12:40pm On Aug 29, 2013 |
You need to stop doing the things you are doing automatically. You see what needs to be done and you probably just go ahead and do it. Well the problem is that an irresponsible man will take the opportunity and leave it all for you to do. Start asking him to do it! For big bills you guys should draw up how much each will contribute, for the little things, do it sometimes and ask him to do it sometimes. Everybody needs to pull their weight not someone taking advantage of the other person's niceness. The more you keep doing it all, the less he will contribute to the home. If you're waiting for him to realize on his own and start being responsible, you are on a long thing. Some men have zero qualms with your scenario. They will shelve the responsibility completely. So talk about it and start sharing up the responsibilities. 2 Likes |
| Re: Your Thoughts by Nobody: 3:11pm On Aug 29, 2013 |
^^ That's the main point 'irresponsibility' .... I mean what's wrong with doing things automatically when you have a supportive and a responsible man as your partner who will use his initiative and take over other bills?? It all boils down to shinning ones eyes wella before saying I do... You can't change anybody .. sad but its a Fact. OP It's non of my business how your man worships his family. You saw that before you married him. And NO a man's not supposed to take any major role IMO ... If you earn more that automatically gives you more responsibilities . Enough local mentality. |
| Re: Your Thoughts by EfemenaXY: 3:55pm On Aug 29, 2013 |
chayooh: Dear Nairalanders, The question here is: Why are you bearing the bulk of responsibility in your home? And making most of the purchases? Your post is too ambiguous. Better add more meat to the bone else you'll get ambiguous answers here too. |
| Re: Your Thoughts by chayooh(f): 4:25pm On Aug 29, 2013 |
@ Jidegirl the wife in this case does not earn more. Her hubby probably feels she can take responsibility since she is "madam organizer". Like I asked earlier if a husband neglects his responsibility as a man is the woman supposed to sit and watch especially when children are involved? The story is not mine though I have a very close family facing the issue. Left with me, I might give her an extreme advice because she's too nice to be going through this headache  Later they would start talking about how women are parasitic. He's suffering from FIV Financial Irresponsibility Virus. To further compound the problem, they had a very brief courtship. |
| Re: Your Thoughts by EfemenaXY: 8:33am On Aug 30, 2013 |
chayooh: @ Jidegirl the wife in this case does not earn more. Her hubby probably feels she can take responsibility since she is "madam organizer". Like I asked earlier if a husband neglects his responsibility as a man is the woman supposed to sit and watch especially when children are involved? Whose problem? Yours?? Thankfully, you're not the one in question here, so stop meddling in other people's marriage affairs. You aren't in the room with them so you can't say for certain what really goes on behind closed doors with them. Did you hear the husband's side of the story before casting asperations and judging him? Are you a marriage councellor? What gives you the right to even think of giving her an extreme advice? And I'm guessing, by extreme, you mean telling her to take a walk and leave the marriage? So when she ends up with a broken home because of your "extreme advice", are you gonna pick up the pieces? Would you share her bed at nights? Or look after and bring up her children? What really is your stake in this matter? How e take concern you?? Or you think marriage is a boyfriend-girlfriend thing? It involves sacrifices - sacrifices done for the greater good of the family. If she feels it's more than she can bear, then advice her to discuss with her husband and if that fails, they should seek help from a neutral party, possibly a marriage councellor or in the absence of that, an elderly married couple whom they both hold in high regard...and not advice from a biased friend. Mind your business and learn to stop taking panadol for other people's headache. You aren't the one wearing the shoes. |
| Re: Your Thoughts by Nobody: 1:51pm On Aug 30, 2013 |
Chei Efe |
| Re: Your Thoughts by chayooh(f): 5:27am On Aug 31, 2013 |
Efe, you did not provide any solution to the issue raised. Instead, you compounded the problem to create traffic on the thread. As to whether I am a "Counsellor" yes i am a certified professional. But as far as ethics go, I may not handle the issue from a balanced viewpoint because i'm related to the lady in question. That's why doctors don't carry out major procedures on their close relatives. She is not my client so I had to refer her to a colleague. By extreme advice, i didn't mean a divorce. I am married too and would not advocate for that yet. Thanks to all who have made constructive contributions. 1 Like |
| Re: Your Thoughts by judii(f): 6:06am On Aug 31, 2013 |
@ op, I've come 2 understand over time that what most people do, are things they grew up in. Maybe the guy grew up in a home where the mother did everything 4 them even while their father was alive and earning salary. Such a man wouldn't see anything wrong in what he does except with God's intervention. I suggest your friend continues 2 look after her children as best as she could, she would reap from them very soon. 1 Like |
| Re: Your Thoughts by Nobody: 7:33am On Aug 31, 2013 |
This is serious o! Somebody said wifey should reduce work load.I agree. It might be hard cos she is used to such but she don't hv a choice. Open an account and fix d money there. The hardest is d children's part.chei! To say d truth,I don't know if I can pull this off myself. But we r looking at d long run. She can make arrangement with her children's school teachers, pay school fees and what hv u, still pretend that nothing happened. Yes, school can write them about school fees and she will present it to hubby, no talking,no grumbling. Assuming its school that send pupils away,let d children stay at home for sometime. She can now ask him how far. If no show,then she can involve people. I just used this method so an opportunity will present itself where she can involve his or her people or even a neural person If she has been fuelin d gen,stop it.feeding,she can continue cos of d kids but concentrate more on d kids. As for his family, she should better ignore them completely. But they should not come to ur house borrowing what u bought with ur money. Buckle up. The earlier d better. Cos I can c hbp coming and d bobo shinnin with better afo beer as time goes on. Goodluck 1 Like |
(1) (Reply)
A Woman Who Doesn't Wear Perfume Has No Future / SHOCKING: Woman Hires Boyfriend To Kill Her Husband. / .....
(Go Up)
| Sections: politics (1) business autos (1) jobs (1) career education (1) romance computers phones travel sports fashion health religion celebs tv-movies music-radio literature webmasters programming techmarket Links: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10) Nairaland - Copyright © 2005 - 2024 Oluwaseun Osewa. All rights reserved. See How To Advertise. 44 |