Men say I'm not respectful. I need tips from respectful ladies. I'm opinionated and stubborn and independent, and I haven't learnt how to combine all these with respect for the opposite sex. Anybody who has ever been in my shoes should please teach me what kind of behaviour men would expect from women that would show respect.

You need to be more explicit.
Nothing wrong with being independent or sturborn as long as you are not rude, condescending and aggressive.
Sadly some men assume every woman is under them, and that isn't the case, being a man does not automatically earn you respect, Your actions do that.

If you are rude, ill mannered then stop, but if they mean you think for yourself and stand up for yourself then they need to grow up.

To get better advice you should give more details

However there is nothing wrong in being a strong woman, I have grown into one, but it is not about abusing others, its about having a mind, making your point while respecting that of others

hersweetness: Men say I'm not respectful. I need tips from respectful ladies. I'm opinionated and stubborn and independent, and I haven't learnt how to combine all these with respect for the opposite sex. Anybody who has ever been in my shoes should please teach me what kind of behaviour men would expect from women that would show respect.

you need to give us the details of 3 different scenarios where you have been told you were disrespectful - with the number of overbearing & controlling men in nigeria, they may be lying to you.

Do to others as you would others to do to you

hersweetness: Men say I'm not respectful. I need tips from respectful ladies. I'm opinionated and stubborn and independent, and I haven't learnt how to combine all these with respect for the opposite sex. Anybody who has ever been in my shoes should please teach me what kind of behaviour men would expect from women that would show respect.

I dont think there is a special respect for men that is different from women. It is either you are polite or rude and this has no gender. You do not have to respect every man out there. But there are two you need to respect. Your father and your husband. If you can be very respectful to the two, then you will be fine. As I know you are not married, try and be respectful, polite and sensitive to your boyfriend if you have one or a potential boyfriend.

Nothing bad in being opinionated and independent as long as you are not rude and overbearing. But just make sure you respect the two most important men and you will be fine.

SERIOUSLY, U NEVA SOUND LIKE YOU ARE RUDE OR DISRESPECTFUL, MAYBE YOU ARE JUST YOUUUU BUT TRUST ME SOMEBODY OUT THERE LOVES THAT ATTITUDE/BEHAVIOUR

Define yourself

What scene make ppl say you are direspectful

And what does your heart tell u

Abeg follow your heart

That's d best teacher

debrief08: You need to be more explicit.
Nothing wrong with being independent or sturborn as long as you are not rude, condescending and aggressive.
Sadly some men assume every woman is under them, and that isn't the case, being a man does not automatically earn you respect, Your actions do that.

If you are rude, ill mannered then stop, but if they mean you think for yourself and stand up for yourself then they need to grow up.

To get better advice you should give more details

However there is nothing wrong in being a strong woman, I have grown into one, but it is not about abusing others, its about having a mind, making your point while respecting that of others

Yeah, the problem is, I'm independent and stubborn, and rude and insulting all at once. I have always told every guy who complained that the only guy I owe respect is the guy I'm going to marry. But now that I finally met the guy, I find out that he too sometimes complains that I'm insulting. And I'm taking him seriously because he's not one of those guys who just need their ego massaged. Some of the things he loves most about me is that I'm independent and stubborn. I just wish I could learn how to be a bit submissive and a lot respectful all at once.

you need to give us the details of 3 different scenarios where you have been told you were disrespectful - with the number of overbearing & controlling men in nigeria, they may be lying to you

Yes, too many controlling men in Nigeria and I've gotten used to overlooking and ignoring them, but now that I've met a nice one, I can't just seem to beat the habit.

Ok just one instance:

1. I have this habit of just saying 'shut up' at intervals at people who I think are making long unnecessary speeches. I keep promising to change but I just find myself doing it again anytime I'm mad. He finds my 'shut up' insulting.

Ok, another instance. I have a habit of totally ignoring him whenever I'm angry, no matter where we are. I've tried to stop it but I find myself doing it whenever I'm pissed.

He complains about my stubbornness too but I'm not so interested in changing that. All I want to know is if there's a way I can still combine stubbornness
with respect. Because for now, my stubbornness only seems to be synonymous with disrespect.

Dnt make a mountain out of a mole hill from scenarios here cos you met a guy you are madly in love with and believe everything he tells you.

I will only comment on number 2. Sometime ago when ever I was angry I would ignore my husband or walk away. It was better for me then cos I said nothing at all that will hurt him. My husband actually suggested the idea.

Look you can never be as stubborn as I am.let me tell you now, that was what attracted my husband to me in the first place. He thinks a stubborn person is strong willed and that he likey

jennykadry: Dnt make a mountain out of a mole hill from scenarios here cos you met a guy you are madly in love with and believe everything he tells you.

I will only comment on number 2. Sometime ago when ever I was angry I would ignore my husband or walk away. It was better for me then cos I said nothing at all that will hurt him. My husband actually suggested the idea.

Look you can never be as stubborn as I am.let me tell you now, that was what attracted my husband to me in the first place. He thinks a stubborn person is strong willed and that he likey

I like this. There are more scenarios than these but these are all I can afford to share here.

I know I'm rude cuz I've been practising politeness with my friends since yesterday and I keep getting 'What's wrong with you', like they are used to the rude version of me. Its like I've been wired to say stuffs like 'so?' 'Shut up' 'That's dumb'. I answer questions with questions, get bored easily and snap at people. And you are right. I am madly in love with this guy and I don't want my attitude to cost me the guy.

He'd prefer I stay and talk when I'm mad but I've learnt from long ago that keeping quiet is my best option, yet the keeping quiet just drives him crazy. Cuz he says no matter how much he wants to talk to me, I only talk to him when I feel like, which makes it look like he's my puppet.

If you were once like me, and you are still a respectful wife to your husband, then I need to know how you did it, because right now, I desperately need to do it.

Stop beating yourself up dear... You're who you are, as long as you have clean heart, not a violent type , and considerate with everything you do I don't think being stubborn is not a bad thing atall. Don't let any man reduce you to what you aren't.. no matter how you pretend to please him in this courtship, your real self will eventually emerge if you're not comfortable with the change.

Sometimes having a mind of your own comes across as being Rude.... I get that perception a lot from Nigerians... oh she's rude, blah blah. My Father raised me good and I have a good man who loves me for who I am... ( Like Nashville said those 2 are most important ) Everybody else should go F Tslves.

hersweetness:
Yes, too many controlling men in Nigeria and I've gotten used to overlooking and ignoring them, but now that I've met a nice one, I can't just seem to beat the habit.

Ok just one instance:

1. I have this habit of just saying 'shut up' at intervals at people who I think are making long unnecessary speeches. I keep promising to change but I just find myself doing it again anytime I'm mad. He finds my 'shut up' insulting.

Ok, another instance. I have a habit of totally ignoring him whenever I'm angry, no matter where we are. I've tried to stop it but I find myself doing it whenever I'm pissed.

He complains about my stubbornness too but I'm not so interested in changing that. All I want to know is if there's a way I can still combine stubbornness
with respect. Because for now, my stubbornness only seems to be synonymous with disrespect.

it's a phase....
you would soon get over it - i take it you are still in the neighbourhood of 19-23. with time, you will grow out of it.

jidegirl12: Stop beating yourself up dear... You're who you are, as long as you have clean heart, not a violent type , and considerate with everything you do I don't think being stubborn is not a bad thing atall. Don't let any man reduce you to what you aren't.. no matter how you pretend to please him in this courtship, your real self will eventually emerge if you're not comfortable with the change.

Sometimes having a mind of your own comes across as being Rude.... I get that perception a lot from Nigerians... oh she's rude, blah blah. My Father raised me good and I have a good man who loves me for who I am... ( Like Nashville said those 2 are most important ) Everybody else should go F Tslves.

Awww,this is sweet.

Being rude is not a nice attribute for anyone....both men and women!

Learn to process your words before spewing them out.

How do you achieve this?

Listen more before you speak !

Royal Roy: Being rude is not a nice attribute for anyone....both men and women!

Learn to process your words before spewing them out.

How do you achieve this?

Listen more before you speak !

Yeah yeah pastor

Is there a special respect for a man? I thought you treat people as human beings.
If you are not rude to your parents, your boss, your sisters and brother, surely you can respect your man.
It's bad to be rude. You can pass your message across without being rude.
If you've noticed a bad character, there's nothing wrong in trying to improve yourself. I don't see anything wrong in trying to be a better person. Good luck.

coogar:

it's a phase....
you would soon get over it - i take it you are still in the neighbourhood of 19-23. with time, you will grow out of it.

I used to think that, but its not happening.

@OP
That's the problem there. Hubby did not try to change me, infact he never spoke about my attitude. I was infact I still am hot tempered, and he knew this before marriage and never judged me for it.

One day I was walking away when I suddenly stopped, sat next to him and told him I wanted to talk about it instead of walking away. But all these happened in my own time,it wasnt forced. I still walk away from people when I am mad. I walked away from my eldest sister recently, but no one says nasty things about me, they all know its my own way of avoiding a confrontation that can verbally kill someone. I still walk away when I am stark raving mad.....when I am that mad I cry because I know I want to say something but I can't because I am not one to be verbally nice to people in such situations.

I have said it on this forum that my hubby has begged me not to let go of my stubbornness and strength, cos to be honest I wouldn't be where I am today if not for that. I have seen/faced obstacles in my years on earth that is enough for me to just quit and let go but for where? I push forward. sometimes I think he tries to stir me up intentionally and laughs when I refuse to engage him

I am a raw angry looking tiger in the outside but inside my home the dove in me overshadows the tiger BUT there are times the tiger is badly needed in the house, in such instances I. Use it wisely and carefully

hersweetness:
I used to think that, but its not happening.

it will happen, don't be in a rush.
by the time you cop one heavy protruding pregnancy - all your rudeness to your man would soon be forgotten.

Well, in my small opinion, its not nice to be rude and insultive to anyone male or female.
Its good you recognised that this is something to work on.
We may not like the veiws of others but we have to respect their rights or differ respectfully.

You will have to deal with not only your husband but in laws and "annoying" elders who can go on and on.
Taking a deep breath helps, and trying to be calm to let initial annoyance pass is also good

jidegirl12:

Yeah yeah pastor

Am sure the Op is more bothered with her boyfriend's complaints reason why she is seeking help here!!
In reality, just treat people how you would wish to be treated!!

If you don't speak rudely to your dad or boss, then that means you still have some control!!

Work more on your choice of words as I think that's where your problem lies!
And always take deep breaths before replying anyone....it helps calm you down!
You will be fine!!

Being opinionated or self sufficient is worthwhile n shows a driven personality which your man likes

Calling others dumb or stewpid is indicative of a superiority complex which in itself isn't admirable

Respect begets respect

The change you want can start with you

No individual is 100 pc incorrigible

jennykadry: @OP
That's the problem there. Hubby did not try to change me, infact he never spoke about my attitude. I was infact I still am hot tempered, and he knew this before marriage and never judged me for it.

One day I was walking away when I suddenly stopped, sat next to him and told him I wanted to talk about it instead of walking away. But all these happened in my own time,it wasnt forced. I still walk away from people when I am mad. I walked away from my eldest sister recently, but no one says nasty things about me, they all know its my own way of avoiding a confrontation that can verbally kill someone. I still walk away when I am stark raving mad.....when I am that mad I cry because I know I want to say something but I can't because I am not one to be verbally nice to people in such situations.

I have said it on this forum that my hubby has begged me not to let go of my stubbornness and strength, cos to be honest I wouldn't be where I am today if not for that. I have seen/faced obstacles in my years on earth that is enough for me to just quit and let go but for where? I push forward. sometimes I think he tries to stir me up intentionally and laughs when I refuse to engage him

I am a raw angry looking tiger in the outside but inside my home the dove in me overshadows the tiger BUT there are times the tiger is badly needed in the house, in such instances I. Use it wisely and carefully

Thanks. I think this helps in the aspect of being stubborn. I already said I have no intention of changing that. He likes the fact that I'm stubborn, just that so often I combine the stubbornness with rudeness, and I want to stop that.

debrief08 :

Well, in my small opinion, its not nice to be rude and insultive to anyone male or female.
Its good you recognised that this is something to work on.
We may not like the veiws of others but we have to respect their rights or differ respectfully.

You will have to deal with not only your husband but in laws and "annoying" elders who can go on and on.
Taking a deep breath helps, and trying to be calm to let initial annoyance pass is also good

Thanks for your big opinion. I'd practice this and hope it works.

simdam500: SERIOUSLY, U NEVA SOUND LIKE YOU ARE RUDE OR DISRESPECTFUL, MAYBE YOU ARE JUST YOUUUU BUT TRUST ME SOMEBODY OUT THERE LOVES THAT ATTITUDE/BEHAVIOUR

she said she's rude and she need correction and u are here tellin her she's not did u no her before abi u nor her better dan herself

chaircover: If you tell people to shut up, then you are rude and its not nice. it doesnt matter if you say it to a man, woman or child

On how to deal with people that rub you up the wrong way; you are going to have to find a way of doing it without being rude. You do know that its easier to be rude to people than it is to take time to explain to them what they are doing/have done wrong. So if you really want to tax that brain, you are going to have to find other ways of expressing your opinions/feelings at the time

As for pressing the ignore button. I do it and I do it as a coping mechanism. I tend so say things that I regret later when I am angry. So I have learnt to walk away or ignore until such a time that I am calmer and in a better position to say my piece/deal with the situation without getting carried away

The truth is, words do hurt and if you keep on hurting a partner with your words, you are going to damage that relationship in the long run. There are some things that you say that can never be reversed not even with a million apologies, so one has to be careful with the tongue.

basically the rule is treat people the way you will like to be treated

Any other thing about stubbornness, opinionated and independent etc, That is who you are and I wouldnt advise you to change that . . . .but you can still be all that without being rude

Thanks a lot. This really helps.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

Respect means different things to different people, although there's a general baseline called courtesy which is expected in normal interaction.


I havent gone through the whole thread but if you mean you are generally rude to people ( not only men or your boyfriend), then thats different from personality issues which you may be having with him.

Ppl react to issues diffrently, u can tell me to shut up and laugh it off, and if u tell another person dat same shut up and get a hot slap! Always see yourself as nothing,by so doing you will be getting ride of that spirit in you. I blve this happens because u always see ur being independent as something, and anybody below your standard as trash. You might not noticed this but be guided. Little things count, if we dnt need ppl on our way up, we might need them on the way down. When more than one person complain sumtin,try and take note of it. #Be guided#

Please work on the "shut up". Put the "shut up" mentality in the trash.

Tell my elder bro shut up and he will shut that ur mouth up for u permanently!
Well,it depends on where u come from and how they value respect but from my side,u dare not open ur mouth and say shut up to anybody!
Highest form of disrespect.

U will hv children in no distance time, I wonder how u will react when ur child tells u "mummy, shut d fu*ck up"

For you to have admitted that you are rude means truely you are rude and your friends complains too. Pls work on it, you can always change.
Don't mind people that writes 'my husband like my stubborness' the truth is your husband/boyfriend is different and you are different from them also.
Apart from your father and your husand you also need to respect other men, you never can tell who is behind who.

jmoore: Please work on the "shut up". Put the "shut up" mentality in the trash.

You are right. it's very annoying telling someone talking to u to shut up either man, woman or a child. it shows the person is talking nonsens.